SeNseAbLE

“I need a girl to ride, ride, ride, I need a girl. to be my wife, I need a girl who’s mine all mine, I need a girl in my life!”

Familiar song eh? Yeah! P.diddy aka puff daddy aka Dirty money aka Swag ft Usher and Loon from way back….a lot of us rocked to this song back in the day. One day recently, I stopped again to listen to the words and in my twisted manner I came to the conclusion that its no wonder Diddy is the way he is. He just wants a girl to ‘RIDE?’…smh!

Brings me to the issue of the day, I wrote an abridged version of this in my newspaper article but I decided to expantiate here for my beloved blog peeps (yes I’m nice like that, *in joey’s voice*I see you baby, I love u too,,Mwah!) This isn’t a ‘P’ setting class, Prof @capoeirapanda is doing a great job facilitating that, this is a “im-gonna-slap-you-in-the-face-so-hard-you’ll-hate-me” post and its directed to my GUYS! Ladies you’re gonna love this, hit me up afterwards #Lowkey “don’t let my girlfriend know”

Yes! Eyin boys! So u think u have learnt the skills of the game and now u’re ready to play ball (pun intended). Yes you could be as skillful as Messi on a good day (eg the Champs league final day) buhahaha *sidebar* that was a great day…but you and I know that you can’t get on the field without your jersey aka naked or nekkid (as I like 2pronounce it)…just incase u’re still lost as to what the heck I’m talking about (yes u’re slow like Kanu swimming in a pool of okro), I’ll spare you the misery and cut to the chase…and this isn’t about FOOTBALL!

So you finally develop liver to approach that beauty with no pimples, two dimples, *ahem* nipples that gives u goosepimples, there are few things you should know..Do you think GOD gave u 5 senses just because He felt like it? NO! He did because the 5 are essential. Yes! Humans use all 5, well except some sha (I won’t mention people like Mr.ibu or some of you here) it therefore is necessary to have all these locked down when u approach so as not to be reproached n squashed like a cockroach…(Haha! Praise the lord!!!)

Incase u don’t know what the 5 senses are, please close this page, find a rock and pummel yourself to …

1. SIGHT: “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder/Beerholder” as the case may be…Dude if you cannot take care to ensure you look good, there might be a problem.( Pls NOTE that the lady I have in mind as I write this post is the 2011 version of the female specie, someone like emm…”MM” )…if you’re trying to date Biliki the ewa-agoyin seller then u can ignore this post! So u’ve gotta look good. Sight guys! As much as you can, let her see your EyES on the first date! The eyes never lie, she will see truth in ur eyes as u speak, if u’re going to deceive her sha, then those RayBans would work…also if u have ‘Utomic’ or half-past eyes (that type that can focus on 2things at once) emm….I dunno sha!
Sight also includes how u look, don’t be chasing a classy chic and u be looking all trashy, bone o, this is naija NOT hollywood. If ure keeping a FRO, be sure its neat and not some lice estate. Yeah guys, beards are in vogue and if u can rock it nicely and NEATLY like I do, that’s a score right there but if you get all Osama on her, she just might wanna reconsider!

2.SMELL: people turn heads for different reasons, its either cos you look good or smell funny! Guys! The last time I checked, it was a crime to smell worse than a skunk..you know that smell of dried sweat on your unbathed for 2days body? U don’t? Ok remember the smell of that conductors armpit as he stretched his hand over your head to collect money? Yes! Brothers, body spray is cheap..as low as #200, but its quite ineffective when you are nuturing a mini rain forest under your arms…I’m quite hairy and as often as often, I SHAVE! Its called BODY spray not hair spray, so shave.. Get perfumes, its nice to have a signature scent that your chic knows you by. (Although this can put u in trouble too) smell good always, it boosts confidence, trust me I know, it makes her wanna nibble on your neck and…ok, kelvin! FOCUS!

3. SOUND: what is the difference between Wande coal and Terry G? pls I’m not talking about size..Exactly! the way they sound…I’m not saying u should start getting all ‘phoneh’ and things but be comfortable in your skin (haha! The Wande photo just ‘popped’ up in my head) don’t be a Chris Okotie + Obahiagbon mix, ladies aren’t moved by the dexterity of your grammatical command or the magnaminity of your expressive ability (I don’t knw wtf I just said)…in the same vein, don’t be a facebookian in lingua, saying things like “your magic is love and seeing you is I loves you” PLEASE, if english is hard, stick to pidgin or local dialect. This is why you must cut your suit according to your size!

4.TOUCH: konji is a bastard, hunger is his sister, broken heart is their cousin, what a fackin family picture!…yes, so u meet the damsel and you wonder whether to shake her, hug or peck one cheek then the other as u see them do in the movies. All this constitutes physical touch. Here guys, u have to control your urges and read her body language..(as an aside, I have a book on this)…how free/open.she is determines..if she doesn’t open up or relax for a hug as u approach her, then don’t hug! If she extends her hand out,take it and shake gently, don’t squeeze or grip tightly, do not SNAP fingers and please don’t do any of that secret message palm rubbing thing!
In d course of the date or meeting, also no matter how bad the Konji is hooking u, don’t act till u sense the feeling is mutual (space won’t allow me share on how to know when the mood is right)…a good way though is ‘jokingly’ saying what u want to do eg saying something like “U’re talking and I’m watching ur lips wondering how they taste” if she giggles and/or blushes or says “stop jor, ure silly (with a smile), its Game ON!
Also the scenario of the date determines whether you should even consider a good-bye kiss…did she have fun? Does she wanna do it again sometime? You know this is 9ja and the odds of walking her to her house is ZERO esp if she lives at Ketu and you live at iju. So that front door movie kiss thing doesn’t apply. FORGERRIT!

5. TASTE: this refers to the aftermath of touch, where there might be need for lip-synching and exchange of saliva address for next visits…I used to be scared of bad breath and it kinda made me shut up a lot, as I grew though, I realised a shut mouth is one of d causes of hailtosis (bad breath) so I worked on that..brush your MOUTH well esp your TONGUE! That’s what determines whether you have ammonia breath or….also on ur way out, take mints-they help u feeling fresh.. I am a good kisser (yimu to u too) and I pride myself in it but nothing spoils the taste than a partner who tastes like garlic! Kill me already! She doesn’t by the way…
Yes! If you kiss and she doesn’t open her lips, don’t be forming jack Bauer with the secret unlock code! Respect that and hope for better things next time.

So there you have it guys, though there’s so much more like dresscode, conversation etc, I’m just gon’ stop here..please add your personal opinions, experiences and/ or questions in the comment section..Gracias….I remain your boy,

PS: I’ve got ONE juicy gist coming up soon…

*hits play on iPod…#np Ne-Yo “one in a million”

 

NoLovE 2

WARNING: This post is LONG!

Disclaimer: The characters in this post are real BUT I did NOT mention any names o! I repeat: I DID NOT MENTION ANY NAMES. Any names implied are at the readers risk. Any attempted attempt to harm this writer should be ‘rethunk’ Yes ‘RETHUNK!” I walk around with a pen knife and I know Kung-Fu, Taekwando, Su-Shi and 10 other dangerous languages!
You have been warned!

The bloggers listed below are some of the plenty that swarm your TL on the regular. All of you know that you have beef for them but fear did not let you talk. Yes I shall be the ‘scapeGoat’ and I shall talk. I may not mention all since almost every seun, ifunnaya and Rasaki attempts to blog. These however are some of the ‘big fish’ as far as I’m concerned and I HATE ’em more than others!

For ease, I shall refer to their twitter handles for description purposes. If u can’t decipher them, you can like to go on a date, camping with Harold, he’ll take u to d end of the world!

*1. This one is an EXperienced School geek. If my sources are correct, she has been writing since 2003! Tori Olórun, why? Ahn ahn, her mates were dancing to sisqo and Dru Hill, she was blogging..she dey write sha!! Even voted Nigerian blogger of d year smtym ago..if she handle your matter eh? Hian! She’s a blogger celeb somebody, even interviewed on Channels that year alongside my hero ‘NaijaFineboy’…see why I hate her?

*2. I don’t know if this one missed his way as an electrician/Technician seeing as he’s always carrying a TOOLbox everywhere. He now ended up in blogsville. This one writes regularly sha, he even has names for d days of his posts and I HATE this guy on a federal level, always having the highest no of comments..small thing that he will write o, 120 comments, then me I will write project and get 7 comments…mtscheeew. He’s like my oga and u know that boys hate their ogas so…

*3. This lepa lady has a twitter handle with initials like a genotype. She’s a sicko, yelzz. How will somebody just wake up and be writing about éléran (meat seller) and somebody’s trouser? Worrahell? And u people will be encouraging her to write more. I once did a collabo with this chic, u know how Eminem murdered JayZ on the renegade song…that’s what she did to me…That’s why I HATE her!!! She gives good ‘mindgasms’ tho and well, lemme just stop!

*4. This biafran lady also shares initials with the aforementioned genotype. Adding an ‘O’ to her first name makes her similar to one terrorist buried at sea, no wonder she’s a sea creature too. She just appeared from where I don’t know and started talking about the gods: Zeus and co.. She doesn’t fear o! Now all the boys are just lining up and her avatars on Twitter ehn esp one backview like that…I HATE her! Nuff said!

*5. Have u seen a polar bear with a chieftaincy title complete with the ‘CAP’ and things? Well this brotha is all that and more..this one is just amazingly intelligent. Little wonder he runs a summer sch presently which I attend sef (can u imagine?) Yes I beef him, no one man should have that much..warrever…*hilzz*

*6. You will think that tall people are all length and no brain, only good for fixing light bulbs since the ones in their heads are constantly faulty but NO! This one, he’s just a blog ashewo. He’s like the lil’ wayne of blogville (jumping fm one blog to another). Some call him prof. His handle sounds like the eBOLA virus..talkin about viruses, He can write about sex and all those bed room stuff but u know what they say now, “empty barrels…”

*7. I think this lady grew up watching too much Titanic and sad endings. Her writing can make onions cry ahn ahn! And OMG! I have NEVER spotted a punctuation error in her articles!! I HATE YOu!! She bears the name of d typical IGBO first daughter with an ‘nia’ at the end. Based on the way she writes, I won’t be surprised if she takes the IGBO stuff too…

*8. This other igbo first daughter is the senior sister of Razz, as in eh ‘Jenifa’ ain’t got nuthin on dis chic. She has facial cheeks that make Sasha look like Asa. This one eh, she writes about the oddest stuff like pepper, the relationshp between illuminatti and cowbell advert. Very annoying! Yeah her handle is the igbo name with ‘hna’

*9. They say “Shayo na Bastehd” so feel free to call dis one bastehd…some call him skilobo, abija (what kind of name is skilobo?). He is a landlord with a tenant called Morufu, a weyrey sha. When he writes sef, it seems he’s under d influence, but his disclaimers ehn? No be here sha, I couldn’t afford his fee for this post so deuces! I HATE u!

*10. Her handle sounds like teleTUBBY. This one can confuse you with her post. D other day she wrote about rainbow, im like WTF? ROYGBIV? WGAF? She keeps complaining that my posts are long so I put her down here to suffer her, yels ke..its all HATE!

*11. Because u yellow no mean say u fine. I don’t know who’s deceiving this one that he’s FRESH or a PRINCe…confirmed ashawo blogger, its the salvation he has that just keeps him, if not his posts will be R30..be eyeing all d girls, I see u o!

*12. As far as I know, this one is a confused AFRO carrying BANK man..he will just be beating gong up and down. Where dyu think you are 1960? I’m sorry for u o! You better wake up and smell the paraga…this dude can write deep things—WELL! Gerrit? U don’t? *hilzzz*

*13. This refugee MALLAM has brought his craze here on blogville, this one is undoubtedly the no 1 blog commentator, ah ah!! He shd be working with NTA sports or sth..he writes crazily too though and of course, any threat in my dept is definitely hated so do the math…

There are more but what is it sef? Na me hate pass? And this post is getting too long, but here’s what it is people..for all these guys and lasses and the plenty others not mentioned here, eg ( cece, Adm3on, Mscantfindaname, Olatoxic, cikko, chukyJ, JCPhoenixx, thinkThank, mia, awizii, ekwem) etc..whether we hate ’em or not, they have somehow added value, educated us, shared experiences and stuff…
I hate Bloggers (the lazy ones with boring stuff and nuthin to say), they just join the seeming crowd yet have nothing to offer. I don’t claim to have arrived, and I do support everyone expressing themselves but like they say at Christ Embassy, make sure its “worth hearing/reading as d case is.

I love these PEOPLE though…ma familia… For details of the blog addresses for the abovelisted peeps, hit me up on Twitter, yeah?

*takes a bow* not bow as in bowing but bow as in ready to shoot anyone who steps to me*

 

NoLovE

Yo mortals, what’s happening? Its been a minute yeah? My bad! Thing is I’ve been on a kinda tour so I figured I’d sit back, relax and put my feet up for a bit…so how are you doing my lil’ chums? Is all well? As long as u’re reading this, you definitely ain’t in Heaven, that’s for sure! You probably expect I’ll do a Post-end-of-the-world post right? Eh ya! Kpele, I’m gonna pass on that (for now, I guess)

Oh! But for those celebrating the seeming fact that the rapture didn’t occur, hold your horses, it’s still gonna…and you know the best part? No one’s gonna prepare you for that, so you better be ‘camped’ and ready whenever. Yeah back to this…

Of recent, I was on ‘summer vacation’ in lag and all I can say is it was worth every minute. I’ll probably share that with you all on some later post. In the meantime though, why are we here? Yes! This is the question! And I have the answer!

Our once normal world is being taken over, Look around you, they are everywhere, they are male and female in kind, they reside mostly on Facebook and Twitter, some of them in Papers and Magazines, they appear on your TL without your permission, you get cc’ed to RT their stuff, they cajole you sweetly by telling you to Read and Pls RT their stuff, who do they think they are? What makes them think I care what they have to say? Why can’t they just ‘dey their lane’ and leave me alone #YesMichaelJackson (I miss you mehn), Some of them even think they are some kinda authority or gods. Such a bunch of ‘I’m too good for my own good smarty pants’. “Who are they?” Are you kidding me? I mean with all the description I’ve given! Are you from the milky way or are you just doing an excellent imitation of being stupid?

They are Bloggers and I HATE THEM!

Yes! I HATE THEM!

Wonder why? See you in my next post…

 

EOW 101

“…although we’ve come to the end of the world, still I can’t let you go, its so natural, u belong to me, I bel…”

CRAP!!! Wrong song *insert any Enya song* maintain slow tempo *

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are watching this video now, then it is exactly 7 days (one week) to the end of the world. I have been away in solitary confinement in a place far far away (somewhere close to Abbottabad) to prepare myself for this great event. I have had to ensure that my body, soul and mind are devoid of any corruption hence you would have noticed my absence from Twitter over some days…yes, I had to spiritually purge and prepare myself. In my time away also, I have connected with ‘highly’ placed spiritual bodies that have given me first hand Insight into how to make sure you are not left behind as we approach the end of the world *inflates eyeballs.*coughs* I am here to share these with you…

First of all, if you know anyone close to you who is still NOT on Twitter as you read this, stop reading and get them to open an a/c…and of course FOLLOW ME! I am the chosen fore-runner (kinda like JTB..john the Baptist, though my handle is @KevinWithAnL). The first prerequisite for making it to heaven is having at least 12 followers like our Lord did in His time..I’m sure you all do, fine!!! I’m sorry for those on FB..my sources said something about how they don’t want ‘pokers’ in Heaven, seeing as we will all be dressed in white garments with NO undergarments.

So next, information reaching me says that what we shall hear won’t be a Trumpet per say (err..is this how its spelt? Oh fack it! This is a video recording) yeah…so what we WILL hear in 9ja will be the instrumental of Sauce Kid’s “Under G” I mean what better way to announce the event than with some Sinzu/ Don baba J beats.. But just incase Dj Angel Micky can’t get the ordered copy from Alaba on time, 2face’s “Implication” is the 2nd choice theme song for D-day (its St. Steven’s favorite song) so keep your ears to the sky as the case is..buhahaha!

For those who don’t know, May 21st is D-day, as for the time, 8pm is the unofficial time. This is because, the guys in Heaven want to be done with supper by 7pm to avoid having to cater for a mighty influx of people. The Kitchen dept have had their proposal accepted so 8pm is ‘Arice’ time…eat before that time ‘cos no dinner will be served and breakfast? What??? I hear they don’t ‘break’ their ‘fast’ there so you may wanna pack some box noodles or Agege bread. Don’t worry, there’s enough milk and honey from one certain river like that!

Before the ‘Under G’ things though, there are some necessary things you must do or undo to ensure you are ‘take-away’ able..

-Ladies if there is a guy you have been styling for who has been toasting you since he knew what the word ‘toast’ meant, this period will be a good time to allow him get some ‘action’..don’t let the verse “DO unto others as you will have them DO unto you” be used against you.

– Remember Absalom? David’s son who got stuck in a tree because of his long hair? Yes!!! Ladies, Brazilian, Peruvian, Taliban or HorseTailian hair will NOT get you there, infact, it disqualifies you automatically. So u better revert to Team Natural (ask @Ms_Dania) for some tips.. Or you could go all skin afterall, there is no male or female there….

– I know we all will want to look good on our last day on earth and some of us have started our shopping but PLEASE, whatever you wear, do NOT wear PRADA!!! Incase you don’t know, “the Devil wears Prada” so, do the math *shrugs* also anything with illuminatti insignia is a bit too cocky or heady as the case may be!

-Guys Skinny jeans!!! Seriously, MJ had enough problems getting in, Twas the moonwalk performance that granted him entry, u need to see him do it on d streets of gold, its Heavenly! Oh yeah!! So no skinnies, D’banj and @WaleGafar be warned!!!

-Bling Bling!!! For crying out loud, this is heaven for Chrissakes (hehe! How apt), we’ve got pearly gates, streets of gold, diamond banisters, and you think your $1000 necklace is anything to feel cool about? You should see Solomon’s collection. So ditch the blings ok? I’m sorry for those with platinum teeth and stuff, I’m sorry, hell awaits you.

-Also, just as it is in big companies, Govt. Agencies and institutes where connections take you far, the same applies in Heaven to…to get to Heaven, its who you know that matters! So you better follow Jesus and NO! Not the spoof a/c on Twitter. But you should follow me on Twitter being the forerunner like I said earlier.

A good verse to live by in these times is “Lay down the weight that so easily besets…” Remember that, the plan is to levitate as the ‘trumpet’ sounds, if you are too heavy (more than 80kg) this might be a problem. Now will be a good time to lose that weight. Also “narrow is the road to eternal life, wide is the path to destruction..” That’s another verse to BUTTress the fact of your weight…ehn? Do something! If you are at the Gym when the ‘trumpet’ sounds, forget it..keep lifting your weight.

So my people, these are the words I bring to you out of my place of solitude and deep meditation…Hearken to them or face earthly damnation…oh yeah! Less I forget..the following types of people on Twitter will not make it so don’t bother…

-if you’ve ever said KSB is a good musician
-if you RT @Tundeednut’s joke attempts and add LWKMD
-if you’ve told @odinabarbie she looks like heaven
-if you partake in the daily display of high level display of displayed mumuism displayed daily by one who calls him/herself @TweetOracle, then forgerrit! U will never make it! Not ever!! NEVER!!!
-if Im following you and you are NOT following back, how on EARTH do you expect to make HEAVEN?
-lastly, if u watch BBA…it is clear you don’t wanna miss a moment. You are granted freedom to stay. Heaven is not for you.

That will be all my people. I have recorded this and sent out via internet, pls share with your family and friends. The end has come. It has been fun knowing you. See you naked as we rise. Its your boy…

*play Kumbaya here*

 

Bye-LinE

Ok, this is the last of the ‘Seriousness’ ahn ahn “why so serious?”…here’s something sent to me as a result of the pain and hurt felt by one of us as she read the previous pieces.

By @ThelmaTweets

Why do we girls equate an orgasm with feelings? Why cant we just do it for the high of it like the boys? Wouldn’t that be swell? Lemme tell u some stories.

Cool headed Frank was flirting with Nike and heating things up on twitter and bbm. They were compatible and Nike thought she’d found that special person that made her feel sweet -soul mates! But oh! that was before the AY Show and the 2 rounds of sex right after that and the ominous silence that followed thereafter.
Same could not be said about Tessy, who had been dating Chijoke since their 3rd year in the University and they had a beautiful Non-Sexual-Relationship aiming at an altar-bound future…well, that was before they joined Twitter where some girls asked Chi for a meet and greet. In no time, Chi asked Tess to close her twitter account, but he didn’t know Frank (referred to above). Frank, who sends strictly DM’s to Tess and does not tweet @ her. Frank had surreptitiously given her more attention than Chijoke had and even opened her mind to sexual possibilities. Frank, eventually frankly penetrated and moved on.
But here I am! With Frank! Who does not tweet @ me because everything we do is between Yahoo messenger and DM’s. He says he loves our convo and when I asked why, he said he wants to put it on me! So, right now, Frank imagines doing naughty things to my body while Tessy cries to me on bbm on how to revive what she had with Chijoke and how Frank ‘soiled’ her but Frank is unaware of the salient fact that I know and cry with Tessy some nights….

I may have changed the names but these are true stories. As girls, we need to realize and embrace the fact that while attraction translates to feelings for us, it only leads to sex for dudes. SEX- its their Testosterone, has got nothing to do with logic or reasoning.
There’s this huge line between Sex and Love. Those stories were shared so as to help us make less mistakes. Mistakes we may never recover from. Yes, I know that it takes a lot of observation to know if the guy wants sex or wants you as a whole, so, always ask what the objective of the liaison is. Even when he says love, remember, it is far easier for a guy to suppress his feelings…so, don’t go falling unnecessarily as you may never know his real intention.

The single thread shared by Tessy, Ify and Nike is not that they have been used and dumped, they have been lied to, heartbroken and now trying to pick back the pieces of their lives but they will never remain the same! They are speaking out to help us, warn our sisters, friends and loved ones to exercise just a little caution, a little reasoning and to know that love is easier said than given!
And if you’ve been in such a precarious situation before, know that, no mistake, no heartbreak can take away what you are meant to be and that verily, in each tear, there’s surely a lesson!

Yes, that most people are not worth wasting your feelings on. Its futile. Don’t go there! Ask them if they want Sex or a Relationship and when you venture into pure sexual ish, set your emotions accordingly and hope your head and heart obeys you. And of course, you can always say NO! And let go of the orgasm. Better ones are yet to come. It is not love. Do not get it mixed up.

And guys, yes I’m aware boys will be boys and being truthful all d time won’t get d girls.. Don’t go professing love wen u just wanna have sex. Be a little clearer from the onset. Don’t pretend you are interested in their life and a relationship when u just wanna get laid! Trust me, you won’t consider it cool when the tables are turned! Who do you think you are? Leaving scars scattered everywhere.

Karma is a bitch, I tell u!

 

SeRIOuslY 2

I know its said that you should remove the speck in your eye before attempting to remove the log in another’s. What you are about to read isn’t someone’s account or information received by virtue of study. This right here is me sharing stuff that I (Dizzle) has done Yup! so it was really easy getting into the mind of the guy in this ‘story’

I’m no Saint.. ain’t much of a Sinner either

I’ll probably be crucified after this but *shrugs*, call me Jesus.

*BB headphones blaring at maximum volume* “Oleku! Tell me shawty wey I no fit screw, do not open this sir…she’s feeling this boy”….

*doing the choc-boy sway*

Yessir! That has been my theme song for the past month because it so aptly describes my conquests. Oh yes! I’m a conqueror, NO! Scratch that, I’m MORE than a conqueror! Its fun being me, don’t give me that eye, a lot of you will give anything to be where I am..for the sake of those who just came from MySpace, Mars or Bounty, the name is Dizzle. Its no use saying again that “I’m your LADIES man! She must have told you that already. Or you must have heard/read about me. Yes! When it comes to ladies and me, be afraid…be VERY afraid!

Oh, fuck you too!

*knock on the door* “NIPOSTman”

“A letter, who the ‘ell writes letters in 2011? This person must either be old fashioned, miserly or its some spam letter ish. I hope its not those ‘Awake’ bulletins o…I can like to give iya Ruki down the road to fry her akara..I’m sure by the time I give her 100 copies, she will trust me when I ask her to let Ruki come to my place and pick some more, of course, I will ‘awake’ in Ruki something she hasn’t experienced before she leaves”

*snaps back to reality, opens letter, sees sender, heart skips, skips again, sinks 2d floor*

“What the fuck?! I’m not reading this letter ahn ahn, this babe abeg free me…”

*paces around room, screams silently*

“Why is she on my case? Is she the first? That’s why I don’t like all these smallies!” Fuck! Fuckitty! Fuck!!!

*reminscing* It started on Twitter…

I can’t find any humble words to say “I’m blessed”. That’s the ‘humblest’ I can go. I’m blessed with looks, a voice to make traffic lights stay on green and a brain that works overtime, constantly churning out sarcasm, wit and creative rubbish at speeds that most minds can’t conceive…throw in Tech savvy, cool and trendy and yup! That’s your man: Dizzle…it was only normal I joined Twitter.

9 months after and 62,000 tweets in d bag, I had become a kinda icon. Everyone knew ‘Diz’-the ladies man..I used my wit so easily I charmed d ladies easier than a flute playing snake charmer. Of course, it wasn’t hard..I tweet funny stuff, they RT, I reply with a “MWAH!” And they get all wet..yup!

Easy as A,B see?

Its not news that we guys are moved by what we see (avatars) and girls are moved more by the things they hear/read (in this case). I look out for the daring avatars, the sexy, attractive ones..then i monitor your words: how ‘vocal’ you are with words like ‘fuck’, ‘dick’ etc…yeah i like that!! Like an enemy in the sight of cross hairs, i fix my aim and prepare to squeeze the trigger…

I hardly miss..nah! I DON’T miss!

Then I saw her…she had the sexiest avatar I had seen in a while, while others were trying hard, downloading boobs from the net and pouting like hooked fishes in front of toilet mirrors, she was a natural! Yeah, her top two buttons were undone so I could see the heave, the bulge (OMG! Its so vivid)…she RT’d a tweet of mine..and I replied with my normal *MWAH!* we got into light convo and then she did the norm “#nwff dizzle, pls ff back!”. Now I don’t ff back just ‘cos you follow me but..I followed her and immediately DM’d saying “I would follow you to the end of the world babe”…she giggled..

I knew I had her.

She became the object in my DM’s..I’d check up on her early in the morning, flirt with her, Tweet at her, sub her, the whole 140 characters aka 9 yards…then 2 days later, I said “babe 140 xters aint allowing me express my desires, gimme ur pin”. Test of her tripping..she didn’t even object..this was gonna be easy.
After plenty Voice Notes, picture sending, videos and chats, I told her I ‘loved’ her and she said she felt the same. That was IT! JACKPOT!! (This word ‘love’ seems to be the key to their hearts! I don’t get it but it works for me..ha!) we decided to meet..Before then though, I had made sure the content of our discussions were mostly sexual..we had played Truth or Dare..she had sent me a half nude picture (with her top and bra off), I had sent her a pic of my ‘kini’, I had shared all my sexual escapades with her (mostly fantasies and lies)..in her mind, I was a god! This was so that when we meet, she’ll have those thoughts clog her mind and it will be easy to make my move..

TL—>DM—>BBM—>MOVIES—>SEX—>on to the next tweep

That’s my cycle… 3 weeks after she followed me on Twitter, I had her follow me to a hotel room, Fuck! I had followed her for 3 weeks, I normally seal the deal in a week. I had been patient enough. Oh! The sex was good. She loved d way I ‘handled’ her, I could tell cos she moaned ‘dizzle’ (try saying that in the height of pleasure, you see?) That night, we went four rounds..I had to make sure I was totally satisfied. I slowly took her to ‘heaven’. We stopped along the way a couple of times just to ensure that the crave for the euphoric feeling was worth it..

I had promised to “follow her to the end of the world”. We had just got there.

*Another one bites the dust*

That’s how I roll, that’s what I do on Twitter..relationship? Nigga What??? Nah..Its strictly sex, but they don’t know that! There have been plenty others, a whole lot! Don’t be judging me, Love hasn’t been kind to me. I realize that the only place or time I can have any feelings whatsoever is at marriage-if i get there… Till then though, its still Dizzle burning up your TL

There are more now since I won “most popular tweep, @sexy_lipsss is my latest”

*BB beeps*

DM From: @sexy_lipsss
Sent: May 4th, 2011 20:28

Baby, been pinging u! What time do we meet at d hotel? Pls reply..I love u

And this one is writing me letter…she should fucking go and deal with her insecurities!

*tears letter*

So friends, here’s the general thought pattern of the normal Twitter flirt. .sound familiar? Do let me know your thoughts in the comment box…cheers!

 

SeRIOUslY?

The post you are about to read is much more than a post. It is a real occurence.Names have been changed for security and privacy reasons yet the emotions expressed here are as real as they come. Written from a shared experience and “acted” out by the writers, I present to you scene 1: “HerStory”

Written by @SlimSiren

The sun was burning hot.
People climbed up and down, looking at the crazy black girl sitting on the sunny side of stairs. “Wouldn’t you step into the shade, madam?” “Madam, would you like some sunscreen?” One even gave me a bottle of cold water. These oyingbo people sef. When did they stop minding their business?
Couldn’t they see? I needed it. I needed its warmth to seep through my skin, to pervade my cold, cold, being. I needed to roast, I needed my emotions to stew and run like boiling lava down my system. Would they flow like tears from my eyes? Perhaps it would help me wash my insecurities away.

Ha.

Burn me, dammit!

All it did was prickle my skin like sharp, tiny pins. It didn’t matter. I welcomed the pain too.

Get rid of your insecurities. Get rid of your insecurities. Get rid of your…shut up! Fuck you!!

My insecurities are YOU, bastard!

Did I have insecurities before you came into my life? Did you see insecurities tattooed on my forehead when you perused my twitter avatar?
Mr Dizzle. Answer me. Did you smell insecurities when you mentioned me in that tweet, that tweet that made my heart dance and hair curl? “Perhaps, I should let one my followers know already. Miss @Ifeomatics, you are one hell of a dime and some!”
And those DMs. The proud feeling I got every time one of your thirsty followers questioned your ensuing absence from their timelines, because you were filling my own time with your colorful, panty-dropping lines. The half-a-dozen xoxo’s you sent every time I slept, for each hour you missed me.

Lol. I’m smiling. Damn you, Seye.

How I wish I could roll back to the time you asked for my blackberry pin, and erase that reply that held it. That pin punctured everything beautiful, everything sacred. You became too available, easily readable. I loved that I could talk to you 24/7, until I realized that you didn’t have 24 hours a day to share with me. I didn’t worry too much, was too happy you were there at all. Who wouldn’t want The Dizzle on their BBM list?
It didn’t take too long for me to notice eventually. I wish I never figured it out, I swear. All those BRB’s and never coming back. The different beauties on your display picture every other day. Why wouldn’t I get worried? They were each more beautiful than I was. I was jealous of every one of them, I wanted to rub charcoal on their wide toothed smiles and scream, get your filthy hands off my man!! I had to cinch the deal. When you mentioned us meeting and I jumped at it saying I was free that exact same period, you thought it was coincidence. Hmm. Coincidence indeed.

I wipe the moisture coursing down my face. What, My lava? Oh no. No, please don’t evaporate yet. I’m not out of steam. Please, be sweat.
My Dizzle. The Dizzle. What did I do to you? Where did I go wrong? We had fun at the movies, didn’t we? You laughed so much, tears ran from your eyes and salted the popcorn. I ate them, savoring the taste of you. You taste so beautiful, did you know? When we made love that night, I ran my tongue around your groin, drinking in every bit of you, the sweat, your sperm, my tears…
Did they all do that? Did they hold you while you slept, shivering and babbling incoherent residues from your haunting nightmares? I loved you, Dizzle. Yes. I. Loved. You. Why did you leave? Where did you go? All those read BBM pings and no replies, all those unanswered mentions. More beautiful display pictures. Less xoxo’s.

Until they disappeared all together.
It’s starting to get cold. I look at my wrist watch; its evening already. The cold bottle of water that guy with the mole gave me is still sitting next to me, untouched. I open it and take a swig, get up and dust my behind. Its late, but I’m not in a hurry to go home to Ngozi’s mocking eyes again. Yes, I dated a guy I met online. Yes, I’m in love with a guy I met on twitter barely three weeks ago. Yes, I’m stupid.
Stupidly in love.

I gather my back pack and books together, ready to go home. I don’t bother to check my phone, I know there are no missed calls. He blocked me from every social network- Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo, Blackberry Messenger…

Its not that easy though, Seye. I can’t let him go like that. I would write him a letter.

…So people, this is scene 1, I’m sure some can relate to this. Remember though, this was borne out of the pain one of ‘us’ felt…you may have advice for her or want to share your own experiences as I know she’s reading this.pls drop it in the comments box and also your opinions on @SlimSiren’s character portrayal… Scene 2 should be up tomorrow…

 

The Conspira’SEA’

Yes! Yes! I know what I said about my next post being serious but I just couldn’t resist the urge to do this..let’s call this a ‘Pre serious Post interlude’ shall we? Ok, thanks *jumping*
Well, its no longer news that O.B.L(herein referred to as Sammy) is dead, it’ll be news though if you get your news from NTA or The Sun newspaper (Nigerian version). You will hear about it tomorrow. But if u are reading this, then u know already! So how did this happen? I mean here’s a man who has been hunted down for 10 years and then all of a sudden, he is killed on May 1st (workers day) when he was probably resting after a long day ‘at work’.
Its not fair..yes! Its not, why did they wait for a public holiday? Ehn! What? Its not a public holiday in jand? Abegii…anyways sha, the man with the most popular beard in history is now dead.(Who are we bearded people gonna emulate now that beard are in fashion…ah well, Fally Ipupa still dey)
So, What went wrong? Well, information reaching me points to two theories..
#Theory 1: after discovering that he wasn’t invited for the Royal wedding on friday, Osama logged into Twitter and began to rant using the handle @Queen_UK as a decoy. Unfortunately for him, he forgot to turn off his location!
#Theory 2: while looking for a next target, Osama’s son comes into the room and says “dad, foursquare is gradually becoming a large gathering of people! U should consider it as a target”…and so uncle Sammy logs into foursquare (not knowing his son was referring to the church) and before you know it, the CIA gets a pop up notification..”Sam (his codename) is at Abottabad”…
Without wasting time, President Oby was contacted, he was busy with Michellin as they were having their usual “oh-bama, what’s my name” sessions..he gave the go ahead and asked Jack Bauer to be briefed.
Jack and Chuck Norris were summoned and the rest is history..they took out ALL the terrorists and then shot sammy in the head.
Reports say that Sammy was engaged in Call of Duty, BLACK OPS when the 2 men stormed the mansion. He thought it was virtual reality so he didn’t pay it much attention! It was when his young wife asked for Jack Bauer’s autograph that he got jealous and grabbed his rifle!
So now, CNN breaks the news, Uncle Barry gives a speech, Americans are jubilant. Michellin is mad horny, Donald is looking for new accusations to ‘trump’ up, Nigerians are happy that there’s sth better to tweet/talk about rather than Karen’s future falling of our hand in the BBA house! But wait a minute! Now we are told that sammy has been sent to a water bed?
Why?
Why give someone who brought pain to many such comfort? I mean, most of the 9/11 victims were buried in rubble and sammy gets a water bed?! WTF!!! Now him and his 70 male virgins can have water bed sex which is a fantasy for most of us..sorry..most of you (without d male virgins sha)! Yes! This is a conspira’sea’..I mean I’m at sea as to why he wasn’t just burnt or killed again…yes o! I’m heartless like that!
They say Hitler died on May 1, Sammy too May 1..my conclusion? The evil that men do catches up with them on may 1..abeg when did Habacha die again? America has so many secrets, we would never know the true story of 1/5/11…haha! Here’s another conspiracy, I just thot this one up o, so gimme d credit (Etisalat preferrably)

Using BoredMaths
1/5/11 = (1+5)/11 = 6/11…turn the 6 around = 9/11 …yay!!! All that twitter maths, I knew it was for something!

So is sammy dead or not? We might never know, except Kanye stumbles on some top secret ish or Chloe O’brien can be forced to talk (but we all know she’s in love with jack so..shrugs)…ah well, the bottomline is Barry shall get re-elected after such a feat, Donald’s ambitions are trumpcated…we are going to need a new world villain..oh no need sef! The world ends in 19days, then d antichrist shall come, yeah he’s d one! *exhales* like I tweeted “some said when Arsenal beats ManU and Osama is caught, then d world is surely ending”…emmm…need more proof? Scared yet?
Till my serious post comes, which is soon..its Your Bwoi…

*continues playing Call of duty with Mutallab*

 

ANNOUNCEMENT!

Hey guys,
A happy new month to you and all…glad to have you on here once again. Its been a minute shey? Have mercy on your boy. I’ve been cooking up something quite different from my norm so I had to ensure it tastes better than my real culinary outcomes .
This here is just to whet your appetite. Its been a fun 2weeks, first with the ‘penis monologues’ and then the ‘vagina monologues’..fesity stuff I must say, top notch reads..as a fall out of that, a lot of bloggers have touched on some of the deep issues in an attempt to shed more light on them, and the comments on each of the series brought to fore some hidden pain that exists.
Ah well, you all know I’m not serious sha as in (writing-wise ni o) but I couldn’t help but try to. After my scene 5 role as ‘Dizzle (the ladies man), I got some DM’s and calls and one strongly emotional DM conversation with a tweep birthed in me great pain and d idea of this post. After she shared her story, I knew I had to give her a ‘voice’ because there are so many like her in similar circumstances… Since I’m not normally serious, it probably would have been hard to do it by myself (and I also don’t know exactly how ladies think) so I enlisted the help of one of my favorite bloggers to aid in this ‘project’..I hope that the message is passed effectively and we can all learn and turn the mistakes of others into valuable lessons that help shape our future…

It is Based on a True Story…

It is Coming SOON…

as in SOOn…so stay tuned

You can leave now though…

Yeah, I’m done, spit spot!!!