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The Conspira’SEA’

02 May

Yes! Yes! I know what I said about my next post being serious but I just couldn’t resist the urge to do this..let’s call this a ‘Pre serious Post interlude’ shall we? Ok, thanks *jumping*
Well, its no longer news that O.B.L(herein referred to as Sammy) is dead, it’ll be news though if you get your news from NTA or The Sun newspaper (Nigerian version). You will hear about it tomorrow. But if u are reading this, then u know already! So how did this happen? I mean here’s a man who has been hunted down for 10 years and then all of a sudden, he is killed on May 1st (workers day) when he was probably resting after a long day ‘at work’.
Its not fair..yes! Its not, why did they wait for a public holiday? Ehn! What? Its not a public holiday in jand? Abegii…anyways sha, the man with the most popular beard in history is now dead.(Who are we bearded people gonna emulate now that beard are in fashion…ah well, Fally Ipupa still dey)
So, What went wrong? Well, information reaching me points to two theories..
#Theory 1: after discovering that he wasn’t invited for the Royal wedding on friday, Osama logged into Twitter and began to rant using the handle @Queen_UK as a decoy. Unfortunately for him, he forgot to turn off his location!
#Theory 2: while looking for a next target, Osama’s son comes into the room and says “dad, foursquare is gradually becoming a large gathering of people! U should consider it as a target”…and so uncle Sammy logs into foursquare (not knowing his son was referring to the church) and before you know it, the CIA gets a pop up notification..”Sam (his codename) is at Abottabad”…
Without wasting time, President Oby was contacted, he was busy with Michellin as they were having their usual “oh-bama, what’s my name” sessions..he gave the go ahead and asked Jack Bauer to be briefed.
Jack and Chuck Norris were summoned and the rest is history..they took out ALL the terrorists and then shot sammy in the head.
Reports say that Sammy was engaged in Call of Duty, BLACK OPS when the 2 men stormed the mansion. He thought it was virtual reality so he didn’t pay it much attention! It was when his young wife asked for Jack Bauer’s autograph that he got jealous and grabbed his rifle!
So now, CNN breaks the news, Uncle Barry gives a speech, Americans are jubilant. Michellin is mad horny, Donald is looking for new accusations to ‘trump’ up, Nigerians are happy that there’s sth better to tweet/talk about rather than Karen’s future falling of our hand in the BBA house! But wait a minute! Now we are told that sammy has been sent to a water bed?
Why?
Why give someone who brought pain to many such comfort? I mean, most of the 9/11 victims were buried in rubble and sammy gets a water bed?! WTF!!! Now him and his 70 male virgins can have water bed sex which is a fantasy for most of us..sorry..most of you (without d male virgins sha)! Yes! This is a conspira’sea’..I mean I’m at sea as to why he wasn’t just burnt or killed again…yes o! I’m heartless like that!
They say Hitler died on May 1, Sammy too May 1..my conclusion? The evil that men do catches up with them on may 1..abeg when did Habacha die again? America has so many secrets, we would never know the true story of 1/5/11…haha! Here’s another conspiracy, I just thot this one up o, so gimme d credit (Etisalat preferrably)

Using BoredMaths
1/5/11 = (1+5)/11 = 6/11…turn the 6 around = 9/11 …yay!!! All that twitter maths, I knew it was for something!

So is sammy dead or not? We might never know, except Kanye stumbles on some top secret ish or Chloe O’brien can be forced to talk (but we all know she’s in love with jack so..shrugs)…ah well, the bottomline is Barry shall get re-elected after such a feat, Donald’s ambitions are trumpcated…we are going to need a new world villain..oh no need sef! The world ends in 19days, then d antichrist shall come, yeah he’s d one! *exhales* like I tweeted “some said when Arsenal beats ManU and Osama is caught, then d world is surely ending”…emmm…need more proof? Scared yet?
Till my serious post comes, which is soon..its Your Bwoi…

*continues playing Call of duty with Mutallab*

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44 Comments

Posted by on May 2, 2011 in FicKtioN

 

44 responses to “The Conspira’SEA’

  1. Nugwa

    May 2, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Nice… now i can go to bed…

     
    • Kelvin

      May 2, 2011 at 9:39 am

      Aww..tanx for d persistence! Try not to have ‘wet’ dreams!

       
  2. MzLucyM

    May 2, 2011 at 9:12 am

    still lmaooooo great stuff….1st time im commetn on any of ur blog posts…lemme just say, ur blog is awesome…

     
  3. @dapsins

    May 2, 2011 at 9:13 am

    This is so hilarious…u always deliver.

     
    • Kelvin

      May 2, 2011 at 9:40 am

      Bro, I try but thanks be to God for creativity and tnx for reading..

       
  4. annie

    May 2, 2011 at 9:23 am

    may 1st is worker’s day 4 every1…incl workers in jand.

     
    • Kelvin

      May 2, 2011 at 9:28 am

      Tnx..

       
      • annie

        May 2, 2011 at 7:39 pm

        always a pleasure 😉

         
  5. sonia

    May 2, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Niceeeee aya tak credit:D

     
  6. mexm

    May 2, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Hilarious

     
  7. @osinubi

    May 2, 2011 at 10:16 am

    this is a damn good read! With all due respect, you are quite, quite mad.
    (Off to follow!)

     
    • Kelvin

      May 2, 2011 at 10:19 am

      Oh! Quit the respect, mad is a compliment for me..haha, tnx mayne

       
  8. uncle lanre

    May 2, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Nice stuff cool stuff funny stuff creative stuff. Thumbs up bruv

     
    • Kelvin

      May 2, 2011 at 10:25 am

      Tnx so much bossman..

       
  9. @Kemmiiii

    May 2, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Nicely done! *thumbs up*

     
  10. 'Niro

    May 2, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Wonderful post, got me smiling from start to finish. *high five*

     
    • Kelvin

      May 2, 2011 at 10:43 am

      Tnx bro *hi5*

       
  11. xbone

    May 2, 2011 at 10:48 am

    seriously….if i added anymore compliments ur head will jst burst (poof!!!)…we cant afford that so…yea…it kinda sucked!!!

     
  12. SlevinCalevra

    May 2, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Nice read bro! Sammy shoulda been killed again(I mean, Saddam didn’t even do half of what Sammy did and see how they humiliated him). Since uncle Barry didn’t deem it fit to incinerate his remains, I smell plenty “gbig gbig fish” maybe that’s y he was thrownin the sea… In other news, I guess PDP have a hand in this. Obasanjo has started consulting for Oby… I should stop now.

     
    • Kelvin

      May 2, 2011 at 11:24 am

      Hahahaha!!! ObJ , OBM and OSM…o! What’s the similarity? Hmmm…anyways, ur own conspira’sea’ ehn na unto The Crime channel things o…tnx for stopping by man! Lol

       
  13. deraflamz

    May 2, 2011 at 11:10 am

    dis is effin humourous mahn…nice piece

     
  14. Slim

    May 2, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Lmao! Read this with my friend…hilarious stuff. You’re as crazy as …
    In fact you’re just crazy. Can’t wait for the serious post o!

     
    • Kelvin

      May 2, 2011 at 11:36 am

      Oh! I should be d one using the ‘I can’t wait..’ Line…and as for crazy…SEAn!!!
      S/O to ur friend for reading too…

       
  15. ibetapassmyneighbour

    May 2, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    It was about time….ahaaan…ve been waiting for a post from you siiiiinnnnceeeee….dat I even had to get “4orgasim” from dat monologue’s remix….very well done!! Funny stuff! Dnt waste tym as u kno we hav about 19days more!

     
    • Kelvin

      May 2, 2011 at 2:25 pm

      Haha..so sorry, like I said, d delay is just temporary..we are almost good to go with d post, just a lil tweaking here n there..it’ll def come ds week..tnx for checking in..

       
  16. pheary

    May 2, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    All i can say is i Loled at this…. Nice… nd ‘BOREDMATHS’ smh**

     
  17. Nugwa

    May 2, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    @ Annie… The US doesnt observe workers day…
    @Kev… Your craze na unto Cele cane flogging deliverance sessions or seven day MFM dry fasting things #ThatIsAll

     
    • annie

      May 2, 2011 at 7:42 pm

      @nugwa – the man said jand…& i ain’t in the US

       
  18. Joy Suo

    May 2, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Kelvin!!! This maths na die o! I enjoyed every line. You’re seriously brilliant!! Seriously!!!

     
    • Kelvin

      May 2, 2011 at 3:38 pm

      Oh wow! Thanx joy…brilliant? Wow!*faints*

       
  19. BragginRightz

    May 2, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Ur imagination ran wild on this one… The fact that it was a spur of the moment thing makes it more imterestin’…. How do I say this? You done did it?? Nice one.

     
  20. kblewin

    May 2, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    i agree with @BragginRightz… Nice one bro… err, can u use ur ‘inside’ knowledge to find out if they gave Jack and Chuck the $25mil bounty that was placed on Sammy’s head? Thank u 😐

     
    • Kelvin

      May 2, 2011 at 6:30 pm

      Hey bro, intel reaching me as at 1900hrs shows that the funds are being wired back to the white office as both men said they have no need for money…lol..tnx bruv

       
  21. @N01JADE

    May 2, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    One word…ODEH!!!

     
  22. samanthasiren

    May 2, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    LMFAOOOO!!!! Kevo. I love this dude.
    First of all…why is Osama’s name “Sammy” now? I don’t want to share my name with that demon 😦

    President OBY? 70 virgins on WATER BED? Lmfao
    You’re too funny dude. I really enjoyed this

     
    • Kelvin

      May 2, 2011 at 7:12 pm

      Haha! Thanks so much sammy..oh! Samantha..don’t worry, he dead now, uve got exclusive rights…Mwah!! Love u trés much!

       
  23. @chinietwit

    May 2, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    Haha! Funny write up! I like!!!

     
  24. freshprinz

    May 2, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    hillarious…sometimes i worry for u with all the things floating around in that head of urs….lol

     
  25. musingsofagidimallam

    May 2, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    Well…e don tey wey I kno sey u no well…meanwhile…*Riley Freeman mode activated*…Y’all better belee my nigga Obeezy don killed dat terrorist nigga Osama…yeah we wasted his arse…n we didn’t want no crazy ass terrorist bitches makin em shrine like things at his grave so we don made him swim wit em fishes…u kno how we do…yeah shoutout to my nigga Jackeezy, n my oda nigga Chucky…deyz da shit mehn…yeah…*drops mic*

     
    • Kelvin

      May 3, 2011 at 4:37 am

      U’ve said it mayne..that’s what it is! Haha!!

       
  26. naijabelle

    May 3, 2011 at 6:46 am

    Errm,its funny in a serz kinda way!….lol….i love de part dat says ‘oh-bama,wats my name’?….ur creativity amaze me…big ups swh…

     
  27. slimMariam

    May 3, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    what a funny post! love it, boredmaths 9/11, wow! Hilarious

     
  28. mjhainee

    May 4, 2011 at 12:07 am

    Well all’ been said…..*thumbs up*

     
  29. MzzShadyy

    May 4, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Lmao!! The way this ur mind works ehn?..lav ettt!!

     

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