ThE 411

😀 *sitting on rocking chair, cuban in mouth #ImaBawse* Gotcha! Didn’t I? Oh the thirst! This is me just feeling your pulse…You’re still scrolling down? Nothing here..YET…you can run along now. See you soon.
*puffs out* 😀

 

BurN afTer ReAdinG

Ha! Did this Twitter message bring you here: “The Post you are about to read shall be up for only 3 hours after which it shall be subsequently taken down! Enough said.RT for general good ”
If it did, first tell youself “I’m a gbeborun”, second, applaud my “get them to read tactics”, third, it feels like April 1st all over again innit? Buhahaha…

Anyways, great to have you here again. The piece below ought to have come up on saturday but well…I wasn’t done and 2. I was ‘moved’ to do the ‘Winning’ post based on the blog awards thingy. Here’s thanking everyone who voted and made this possible. Y’all rock…here we go then…

“Water, e no get enemy!” Famous lyrics of a very famous song! However, recent occurrences have caused me to wonder about the truth in these words. Am I saying that the famous Fela was a false prophet? NO!! I just don’t know any fella called Prophet Fela…do you? I thought not!

So, it was a Sunday morning and as early as 6am, the heavens began to weep! What started off as just normal sobs eventually turned out to be something akin to a Mushin raised child crying because he stole meat from the pot that morning, was caught and was told the dreaded words: “Wait till your father gets back!” You know that feeling right? When you know your father will beat the hell out of you and the thought of it makes you cry from the moment you hear it till the moment he walks in! Yup that’s how the rain ‘cried’ all day.

It didn’t even help that it was a Sunday and church choirs couldn’t just decide to be smart…they decided to go ‘with the flow’, singing songs like “Open the Floodgates of heaven”, ‘Let the rain of your presence fall”, “Showers of blessings” amongst others…As the rains increased, I’m sure these choristers must have felt ‘at sea’ with the effect they had made. However, I doubt even their faith could have prepared them for what lay ahead.

*PAUSE*REWIND*

SATURDAY

Yeah, we’ll get back to Sunday but let’s review the events of epic Saturday, shall we? The saturday when a certain blogPost shook the foundations of the Twitter community..For those of you last carriers who didn’t get to read it, fear not! Its not deleted, its privatised. Once we get sponsors, we’ll put it out again (and wow,, them voltrons went in hard on the comments mayne..lol).. I’ve been asked for my side of d story too often, what’s here is an abridged summary though..

Woke up in the morning and I get off my feet, say a Thank you prayer and I grabbed my phone to tweet…(lyrics fail me here).. .moving on… then I saw the subs…Ha!!! They were like missiles from left, right and center..”…sore Loser withanL” WOW! This is what Libya must feel like, I thought to myself. So I walked to the dining area and settled to breakfast, scrolled through my TL and took it all in with a pinch of salt…lol. Them subs kept coming and now even more directly.”Na me be this? Oh Lawdy Lawd!”. Here’s the thing yeah?

“Power isn’t determined by how hard you hit when pushed to the wall, but how well you can refrain from hitting!”

Let’s just say that I could be a good power horse advertiser..haha! Through all the insults and abuse, my concern was for Slim and how she must be handling it, oh! She was strong through it all, though she almost cracked and wanted to respond at some point! (Me too sef)..safe to admit that some things written in the post could have been avoided (no doubt) but I ain’t/wasn’t gonna cower and leave her to herself. HECK NO!!! (But mehn, you guys can yab sha! I mean from whence came all the creativity?) Some people who hardly tweet became all so vocal, it was really nice to see..Kai! There were some who changed handles! Jeez!! I was too slow, woulda claimed ’em!!
Oh! It was a good day, I got calls from strangers, some applauding, some threatening, one revealing *wink*, Pings every second, my blog had its highest visit count ever 3241 in a day and she had 5425 at last count. More people subscribed, and as is common in cases like this, follower count increased..S/O to all new followers..God go make you Bigger!

Unfortunately for me, my battery ‘died’ at about 1pm (curse you BB!) and I missed out..i returned much later after charging to see that #WithAnL was trending…yay! Me!!! It wasn’t just trending in lagos, it was trending WORLDWIDE (Check Trendsmap.com for details)…haha. I wonder if this was what the Bible meant when it said “your name will go places your feet haven’t” (paraphrased). While all this was going on, my ‘boys’ were eating at some wedding reception (weldone o! Vic, Femi and Toks) , my own voltrons were missing, basically non-existent (please how can I recruit voltrons? Pls apply within abeg). Slim and I felt like Bonnie n’ Clyde..it was “we against the Tworld” and the Tworld seemed to be winning *sniffs* S/O to @SamanthaSiren for having our backs though!

Anyways sha, there were lessons learnt, friends, haters and enemies revealed. yeah! I see you…the most painful was when someone who I considered a ‘friend’ took so much pleasure in cc-ing me into some particular tweets and subbing the shit outta me! (Yeah you) E pain! I no go lie!!! I’m off that though but the ‘friendship?’…nah, don’t think its worth it!

Anyway, like every other Twitter issue, we are on to the next one! And oh! The theories that arose were just hilarious..PS: My post ‘SERIOUSLY 1 and 2’ has NOTHING to do with TPN.

*FAST FORWARD*PLAY*

So, the rains poured down all day and the whole of VI looked like the scenery for TITANIC 2. I’m like WTF? (What tha flood?) Someone had asked “God why?” and I wonder if God was thinking, “if I could just find one Noah in VI to build an ark”… but do you know anyone by the name Noah in this time and age? My thoughts exactly! Its funny though cos while many were stranded as a result of the floods, many others in the comfort of their homes were making good use of the weather! S/O to the kids that will be born on April 20th 2012. Me I was at GET Arena literally chilling with my boys (@freshPrinzVick, MallamSawyerr, OlaToxic and jonNeski), girls (stephHailey, d3ola, boukkieO) and my girl (Slim))…Details of this ‘adventure’ coming to a blog near you (not mine!)

Life is funny you know. Somehow, disorganization seems to reveal who we really are. Guys, if you want to know that chic for real, wait till she’s in a messy situation. I saw chics who normally will strike me as those that never fart or eat beans and stuff. You know them now, they’re all over The palms…yeah! Those heel wearing, cat walking, BB pressing types. You should have seen what they morphed into…heels in hands, muttering words that had no semblance to their usual ‘yeah’ ‘finna’ and ‘innit’…stuff sounded like “iru ojo wo leleyii gaan” and if you as much as said ‘Hi’, you’ll get something like “ab’oloshi ni e nii?”

Babes were not smiling o! Brazilian hair and wigs gone ‘down the drain.’ haha! One lady’s wig developed a mind of its own and was far ahead of her in the flood..she was caught between the wig and the deep brown flood! Eventually, she decided to ditch the wig (some guy will remedy that afterall)… And for the guys, it didn’t matter if you were in a Range or a G-class, if it wasn’t a 180horsePowered, wooden interior, alloyed paddle CANOE, then you were not winning! You couldn’t pick the chics cos no one wants to push in the event you enter a hole or the car just stops.

*sidebar* I’ve ordered my neighborhood carpenter Monsuru (who sits in a corner wearing Dolce & Gabanna) to get on the canoe making job for me..i cant carry last!

Ok, at this point, I’m wondering where I’m going with this…errrmm..I should just stop, yeah? Yup! I thought so too! You could have told me earlier that you were tired though, *shrugs* ah well..wrapping up…I just wanna…oh fack it.

*drops BB*

 

BodY taLK

Hey people, thanks for dropping by, before we drop further into the post, please take time out to vote me (“My Scroll, You Scroll)” for ‘Most Humorous Blog’ at the Nigerian Blog Awards. Pls click here http://bit.ly/jGeCOj to vote me and all your favorite bloggers. Remember to check your inbox/spam/junkmail folders for a confirmation email to validate your vote. Thanks guys…

DISCLAIMER: This post is one of those ‘what tha hell’ kinda posts! If you are able to read and make sense out of this then…you are officially as…ah well, it was inspired by an old post done long ago by @exschoolnerd

Have you ever wondered how life would be if all parts of your body could talk? What would they say and stuff? Well there was a meeting in ‘HeadQuarters’ recently..if you don’t know what ‘headquarters’ is about, please scroll dowwwwnnn and read the post ‘In my Head’…so, me, myself and I decided to see how this would work. Here is the result.

“Ladies and Gentlemen and beings that we can’t really place (eg Weird MC), welcome to Left Side brain, I am the most important part of the body and I shall be your guide. My name is Mouth!
Eye: “You are the most important ke? Guy yimu! How dare you claim relevance where I exist? Can’t u see that without me the whole body is useless?
Mouth: Ode! U’re asking me if I can’t see, isn’t that your ONLY function? Oya what else do you actually do? Ehn? Answer now ‘lukman!’
Eye: *eyes mouth* bone o! I am the window to the world, Eye see things..you you’re just there to pout and stuff! *attempts to hiss, realises its not mouth*
Mouth: haha! Oya hiss now! Mtscheeew…look at this one..its paining u because I get all the goodies, the kisses, the food, lipstick, I get to go to places you have only seen but can’t touch!
Hands: Taaa!!!! Hold it right there, who’s talking about touching? You ehn! Na mouth you just get…
Mouth: duhhhh *attempts to roll eyes, realises its not eye*
Eye: Buhahaha! Oya roll now! Wannabe!
Hands: both of you should calm down, why are we even having this argument? Ok, shake hands and make up…
*realises futile statement*
Ok…kiss and…
*eyes roll* *mouth hisses and yimu’s*
Mouth: Hands go and rest inside one pocket somewhere jare…sensible parts are talking, you sef you’re forming involved.
Hands: I will slap you o!
Cheeks: heysss! Hol’ it o! Shey you know everytime you slap, its actually me you hit. I wonder what it is with your aim sef!
Mouth: *giggles* Slap now! And cheek remember what the bible says o…
Cheeks: will you shut your mouth?! Oh! I should stand and watch while he slaps me and then I should give him the other cheek eh?
Legs: well actually, its my job to stand…
Eyes: and mine to watch…
Cheeks: Fuck you all!
Penis: *rises to the occasion* did someone call?
Mouth: trust you to show up…
Penis: *nods* why so serious mouth? Miss me already?
Mouth: you know very well I don’t do your type…
Penis: yeah yeah, you don’t sound like it when you’re singing Lil’ Wayne’s ‘No Love’ though..
Ears: did I just hear sound?
Penis: *Nods and whispers* what’s up, apart from me?
Ears: oh down boy! Let’s not get all excited…so mouth you were saying?
Mouth: I was just talking about how I’m the most important part
Ears: Ehn! If I hear it?
Mouth: You just did duhhh…are you deaf?
Eyes: shey you see?
Ears: who me? How the heck am I supposed to see, isn’t that YOUR job?
Mouth: you all stink!
Nose: do I smell sarcasm eh? You know this because…???
Mouth: dude, free me jare…
Nose: no o! You will tell me what you know about stench today. Do you know what its like down below while you are ‘blowing’ things?
Penis: oh wow! I’ve gotta hear this…
Ears: yeah, I’m all ears…
Hands: *rubs together*
Nose: answer me mouth or have you lost your tongue?
Mouth: No comment!
Nose: no you must talk o! You just put your mouth everywhere, kissing other ‘lips’..I bear the pain and stigma of odours you will never know…
Mouth: well, what can I say? Come to think of it sef, who is responsible for sexual desires? As in who causes the desire to arise?
Hands: *points to eyes*
Eyes: what? So u’re saying Stevie has no sexual desires? #noWonder… All I do is look juh…*raises eyebrow*
Mouth: well they say “the eyes NEVER lie,” so I believe you…I guess I stimulate the physical act though, along with hands…
Hands: ah well…I no get mouth!
Penis: and I only come ‘in’ when mouth and hands are done…
Nose: eeeewww…y’all are just messed up!

*PuUUURRRHHHH*

Mouth: what the fuck?
Nose: oh here we go again…
Ears: choi!!!
Hands: *covers nose*
Penis: deflates

Ass: Y’all need to sit down…my MESSage: “True relevance isn’t found in the multitude of your words but the silence that accompanies your presence!”

*a fart makes all the difference!”

Who runs the world? Fart in a room and see

 

BeinG BuYsexuaL

Hey Guys, here’s a ‘little’ *snickers* something from a twisted friend of mine who stars as my Guest Blogger today @SlevinCalevra *insert applause here* . It seems the post by @MsCantFindaName got to him eh…enjoy!

*Saunters into Kelvin’s blog smelling like a mothafucker…*

“Oh ye daughters of Eve, I come in Piss”.

Ehenn?! I said daughters of Eve because I know that you lot constitute majority of the audience here anyway. Here’s proof. I bet you 1000 bucks that one of our jewels of inestimable pride has already gone ahead to be the first to comment on the blog. La casera and gala? No! Alomo and groundnuts, yes! 😀

************************************************************************************************************************************

This post is dedicated to you.

I love materialistic girls. The gold-diggers. I like to call them buy-sexuals.

Materialistic girls are the most insecure bunch of girls out there. The ladies who want the Jimmy Choo , Stuart Wietzman, Tory Burch and Steve Madden shoes. The ones who rock the Gucci purses, Louis Vuitton bags and want to get married wearing a Marchesa dress. The same ones who want to fly out on shopping sprees toParis,Dubai,Milanand New-York. Vacationing in the South of France, Saint Tropez! The CarribeanIslands. Barbados!! TheMiddle East.Yemen!!

Mtscheeeuw! “You go old!”

The word buy-sexual is a multi-faceted word which means someone who gets turned on by, or derives sexual pleasure from, shopping or being taken shopping. It also means some one who collects money for sex (prostitute) or someone who dates another just for money the other will spend on them. (Gold-digger)

Therefore by simple logic, we can infer the following

A gold digger = Buy-sexual = Prostitute.

To every gold-digger: You are a like a road side whore. Only smarter but eventually end up worse. I prefer a bad girl who is good enough to admit that she is bad than the bad girl who isn’t and continues to pretend that she is what she isn’t.

Same ol’ same ol’

You see Larry Sushey loves ‘buys’. You ask why? Well, because they are the easiest girls to get. Show me a ‘buy’ and I’ll show you her panties. I will come back to this.

A person who needs to upgrade definitely has to start somewhere yeah? For example, a baby doesn’t begin to run immediately after birth. It has got to crawl first, then stand, then walk before learning how to run. You cannot be a village ‘omalicha’, new in a city and then decide to hook up with Paddy Adenuga! You’ve got to climb up the ladder. Say from the neighbourhood gangster who has an okada (Note: The okada being the main attraction to him) to the next guy, the young undergraduate with the 1991 coupe Honda – accord (Levels don change now, but the principle remains the same, the car being the main attraction). The next guy is a Yahoo boy with a yellow hummer (Hummer and Yahoo money being the main attraction, still, the same principle). And so on…

Now in every relationship the so called boyfriend pounds you likeBenuepounded yam and gives you money to make your hair. You climb up the ladder to collecting money to buy designer jeans, shoes and other accessories and so on till you finally reach the level of traveling abroad on shopping sprees and the like.

Progression you say? Regression or at best, stagnation I say.

You see, I am a BroKe Bloke. A proud one at that but do not forget that I am just a step in the ladder I described in the last paragraph. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon but it sure ain’t wooden.

I went to school. I have a job. I have a six figure salary (if you remove the decimal point). *looks away, six digits noni* And I will always have a buy-sexual looking to take a substantial chunk of the little I have. Because there is some “plantain seller” out there who thinks I’m a gold mine. And so it is for every step of the ladder you go. As long as you enter a relationship with a man for his money, you have already belittled yourself and whether he does it consciously or not, you will always remain his little ‘plantain seller’. The little ashawo. Another downside for the buy-sexual is that all blokes, broke or not always like to look out to the better girl (By better, I mean the one who has her own). The one who offers a lot more than just great sex and taking your money. Once we find that person, out the window you go. You might even take the house in Lekki along with you and the BMW X6 but guess who the real winner here is. You are 38, single, jobless and just got promoted to the next step on the ladder.

Yayyy!

Now you can go ahead and look for the richer guy who will buy you a jet maybe? In Geography they say the higher you go the cooler it becomes. In this case the higher you climb the more difficult it is to score.

I laugh in Cantonese.

Money is not the root of all evil. Money is the root of all wealth. Therefore Women, there is nothing wrong with chasing after money, as long as you do so by working for it. What I find disturbing is chasing after men with money. The valuable time used in gold – digging could be put into getting your own paper.

I am a broke bloke. I said before that I love ‘buys’. Show me one and a bell rings in my head * Ashawo alert* All i need to get the attention of one is a ruse. Hide behind a smoke screen. You know the difference between a rich dude and a broke bloke like me is the C letter word.

Not Chedda(h)r dumbass! That’s cheese. I mean CONFIDENCE. (Not the Big Brother housemate)

An air of confidence exudes success. Smelling good gives that air of confidence so I always smell great. Buy-sexuals cannot really tell the difference between myself and Katung Aduwak when I walk into a room. I walk with “swheggz”. I don’t mean walking in a half bounce like a disgruntled Tony Tetuila. I mean walking in with a cocky gait. Slightly arrogant. This is important because it gives me an air of mystery. When I talk to a buy-sexual I always maintain eye contact. I talk to their brains; their souls and they will unconsciously begin to convince themselves that I am Mr. Tiger Woods. This act is called ‘washing’. I will wash you and talk you to places you have never been before. No lies o, that is the buy-sexual’s job. The average buy-sexual will lie to herself every time.

Maybe five drinks and a cigarette…

*N.B There is no need cramming all these moves because it will still work for you.* I even have scientific proof.

A Sunday Times article I dug up from some time in 2009 stated that scientists had found that supposedly wealthy men give women more orgasms.

“Women’s orgasm frequency increases with the income of their partner,” said Dr Thomas Pollet, theNewcastleUniversitypsychologist behind the research.

Orgasm + Riches? Bill Gates’wife must be in heaven then…

He believes the phenomenon is an “evolutionary adaptation” that is hard-wired into women, driving them to select men on the basis of their perceived quality. Key word being ‘perceived’.

The study is certain to prove controversial, suggesting that women are inherently programmed to be gold-diggers.

Who would you rather have an orgasm with? Katung or Flava Flav?

Note that the quotes never actually mentioned money being a factor rather it pointed to ‘perceived quality’ and ‘high quality’ as pre requisites. Define High quality how you want, the important thing is that the ‘buy-sexual’ perceives you to be rich and you are on a home run.

Truth is most buy-sexuals end up hanging with broke blokes like me. We will buy you shawarma and perfume, but we always take it all back in some form and then use you as a stepping stone to get a new whore. You know what they say, women do not want a man no other woman wants. At the end of the day, I win again.

Okay, let us assume that the woman actually finds some rich bloke. Responsible, handsome, down to earth, God fearing, athletic bla di bla di bla. The perfect man. I suggest that the woman wake up from that dream and slap yourself. “I doesn’t exist.”

The key to actual progression for a woman is to actually be with the ‘broke bloke’ who is always willing to give you more than he gets from you. Yes I will sing it o…*Clears throat…Ahem. “Whether na one naira…”

“If it is too good to be true, it probably is. A man who will lavish expensive gifts on you at your every whim if not under your spell is a ritualist, scam artist, assassin, drug dealer, armed robber or Nigerian politician. When the toilet explodes and shit hits the fan you will now remember Jesus.

Hian!!!

Women who still think they are attracted to the money are either immature or buy-sexual. N.B. Maturity doesn’t necessarily come with age. Ask Confidence Haugen.

To be fore warned is to be fore armed. Find a broke bloke today.

Here’s a download link to the song I listen to whenever this broke boy dumps another gold-digger.

http://www.4shared.com/get/Uhzxs8P_/Havent_met_you_yet-Micheal_Bub.html

Side note: The reason I smell of piss by the way is cos the buy-sexual I was with last night went ghetto on me when I told her I didn’t have money and asked her if she would take cheques. The b*tch emptied a bucket of pee on me.

I wonder why she kept a bucket of pee anyway. She probably doesn’t have plumbing.

Larry Sushey.

 

Do YOU?

This post is very impromptu, disorganised and is the result of the demand from the people for a post (Now I know How Moses felt when they asked for water) *sigh*

Its common knowledge that the most ignored part of most negotiations is the ‘Terms of Agreements’ especially if its almost 10 pages long (which is mostly the case). Many partnerships have failed, businesses have crashed and people have felt cheated all because they didn’t have the patience to read through 10 paged small print of legal jargon.

Who can blame them though?

This right here though, is a MUST read! Yes! If you don’t, well (I’ll try compose a BC to that effect)…Every business , transaction or interaction between 2 people normally has terms of Agreement n this binds the parties involved once they agree.. So I was thinking, it won’t be a bad idea to have dating terms of Agreements signed by both parties before they embark on the relationship…remember that verbal agreements hold no water so this will be typed out and signed by both ‘dater’ and ‘datee’

Feel free to download and use after reading.

DATING TERMS OF AGREEMENT BETWEEN _________ and ___________ dated this _____ day of______ 2___

His part.

1. I am the man in this relationship, whether I wear pants, boxers or G-string, I am still the man and should be treated as such.
2. I shall NOT be compared to any other man living or dead, especially your Ex.
3. I am your boyfriend NOT your Father, so he is responsible for bringing you up and maintaining you. I am responsible for bringing ‘me’ up and maintaining yours..#GoFigure
4. I love you BUT I love my boys too #NoHomo so do NOT interrupt when you see me with them, it falls hand.
5. Never ask me where I am at 10pm, I will lie or talk nonsense.
6. You see me with any girl, let your default thought be “oh wow! A new sister”
7. Do NOT discuss our sex life (if existent) with your friends except you’re suggesting a threesome
8. Movies, Credit, Lunch and all that fun stuff shall last 3 weeks into the relationship after that we will buy #150 dvd, make our own chicken etc
9. You will NOT move more than 4 articles of. Clothing to my room/house. These are Towel, panties and bra…the fourth is a french maid apron thingy 🙂
10. In the event of arguments, do NOT smash any of my plates or ornaments. Walahi, you will pay for them o!
11.Because I have a car doesn’t make me YOUR driver, and the front seat isn’t your right, get over yourself!
12. You cannot have more than 10 male BBM contacts, 5 must be from your family, 4 from your church..then I.
13. If you EVER ‘lol’ ‘lmao’ etc at any guys tweets. Prepare to explain why…
14. You CANNOT follow TweetOracle…#ThatIsAll
15. Don’t EVER be fooled, girls DON’T run the world! Except the world is a synonym for kitchen
16. We are dating. This is NOT marriage, we will NEVER wear the same cloth material.
17. I have sole access to ALL parts of your body, others should NOT even get a full hug. Handshake or side hug kpere!
18. Money will be given to you as I deem necessary, I do NOT work in a bank, even if I do #IsItMyMoney?
19. If u want to give me a nickname, names like Stud, The Rock, ChuckNorris etc are cool, NEVER! I repeat NEVER call me your TeleTubby or ChubbyWobby…
20. If by mistake you ever catch me on top of or underneath another woman, don’t break the flow, wait till I’m done then verbally attack.

Her Part

1. I am the Woman, I am NOT weak in sex or any other thing..don’t make me prove it.
2. In every argument, I have the LAST word, whatever else you say will start a new one apart from ‘Yes Dear!’
3. Whatever you did while toasting me, you better make sure you continue cos face it, there are others waiting to get on this bus!
4. I will cook when I’m hungry, you will buy US take-away when YOu are hungry.
5. If/when I come to your house for the weekend, the remote is mine and we will ‘do’ if I feel like ‘doing’
6. Bags, BIS , Brazilian hair etc are your responsibility…prove you can take care of me.
7. NEVER take any of my friends out
8. In the club, you dance with only me or any of my ugly, harmless friends I send your way cos I wanna grind some hot guy.
9. When I ask you ‘how I look?” Any answer apart from “beautiful” might make you lose me
10. I’m a late comer, NEVER on time… #goFigure
11. If you do NOT use my/our picture on your BBM DP at least 4 times in a week, its over!
12. What is yours is mine, what is mine is mine!
13. If you invite your friends over without telling me, prepare to attend to them cos either way I’ll have somewhere to go
14. Whenever I say I’m on my period, accept it like that.
15. You will celebrate every occasion for me: childrens day, workers day, eid-el-maulud, Good friday, Martin Luther King day, ALL…with gifts!

I have read and hereby agree to these terms of agreement…bla bla bla…

Signed
________________ and. ________________

Pls peeps, this is just a figment of my imagination NOT my stance o! Abeg don’t koba me o! Anyway, do share the points you would love to have in a potential TOA form use the comment box…adios!

PS: I’ll be doing the Female version of ‘SensEablE’ on a friend’s blog as a guest…so watch out for that and other exciting ish too…VERY SOON

 

ANNOUNCEMENT!

Hey guys,
A happy new month to you and all…glad to have you on here once again. Its been a minute shey? Have mercy on your boy. I’ve been cooking up something quite different from my norm so I had to ensure it tastes better than my real culinary outcomes .
This here is just to whet your appetite. Its been a fun 2weeks, first with the ‘penis monologues’ and then the ‘vagina monologues’..fesity stuff I must say, top notch reads..as a fall out of that, a lot of bloggers have touched on some of the deep issues in an attempt to shed more light on them, and the comments on each of the series brought to fore some hidden pain that exists.
Ah well, you all know I’m not serious sha as in (writing-wise ni o) but I couldn’t help but try to. After my scene 5 role as ‘Dizzle (the ladies man), I got some DM’s and calls and one strongly emotional DM conversation with a tweep birthed in me great pain and d idea of this post. After she shared her story, I knew I had to give her a ‘voice’ because there are so many like her in similar circumstances… Since I’m not normally serious, it probably would have been hard to do it by myself (and I also don’t know exactly how ladies think) so I enlisted the help of one of my favorite bloggers to aid in this ‘project’..I hope that the message is passed effectively and we can all learn and turn the mistakes of others into valuable lessons that help shape our future…

It is Based on a True Story…

It is Coming SOON…

as in SOOn…so stay tuned

You can leave now though…

Yeah, I’m done, spit spot!!!

 

>Di-Vision

>"Variety is the Spice of life"… "it can also easily lead to death"—-kelvin

You know that feeling of wanting something so much that you become ecstatic when you get it? Well, that's not what this post is about.
This right here is about making choices between things you want so much and whether variety actually helps make the decision easier..ah well, I really don't know the idea behind this post, I can only say that its different from any I've written because I write this from a hard place where my emotions can only be poured out and expressed as words on your screen.
I don't even know how to put this codedly so you dear reader won't know I'm talking from personal experience but since I got u here, I must as well just blurt it all out, abi? Well here goes,

I'm a go-getter kind of guy because I normally get anything I set my heart or sights on. (The 'Secret' is one book/Movie that does work for me).. and so as the year started, like I said in a previous post, I didn't set any goals, I just decided to flow with d tide. As my birthday (in January) approached, I became engrossed with something that I really wanted. I wasn't clear as yet if this was a 'want' or a 'need' and so I decided to allow 'Time' work its magic.
Its a common saying in this part of the world that "Time waits for no man..or woman", I daresay I learnt this the hard way. While I was waiting for some conviction as to whether I should 'pursue' this want/need, I was totally oblivious of the fact that as long as an item is displayed in a 'showglass', every other person can see it and they also might have equal desire to get it! Heck! That's why its called a showglass innit?

Here I was on a window shopping spree, but now staring at the one thing that had totally captured my heart. It was/is beautiful, heavenly, I could hear the 'ave maria' just beholding its beauty. It called out to me "take me kelvin" and I longed to heed that call. I began scheming on how I was going to turn this desire to an acquisition, transfixed as though under a spell…my senses conspired in one great conspiracy. The general consensus was clear:"I just had to get this!" but…

"Focus creates Blindness"… "but the blind can't focus"—–kelvin

If you've ever window shopped, you'll agree with me that u're faced with several options and more than one can catch your eye. Blindness is not necessarily the lack of sight but rather the absence of vision. And when you're 'shopping', variety of choices often causes a di-vision (which of course is divided vision) There's always that 'first' option and the 'second' or 'next best thing'. I had seen the 'second' but was hell bent on getting the 'first'. Nothing else mattered, it was get it or die trying. Nevertheless though, the 'second' had registered as it always does in my subconscious. So, I successfully pooled my resources together and headed back to the shop after a week to give myself the best birthday present ever. I skipped happily all the way, already imagining how beautiful life was about to become. The sky looked bluer, the grass greener and not even the annoying bus conductor could wreck my historic day. I got to the shop, walked in briskly, head high, turned to look at the spot where my prized desire was and then I saw it : "SOLD OUT…OUT OF STOCK!"

"WTF!" (What's This For?) "WTH!" (What's This Here?) "SHIT!" (Shaking Head In errr…*insert any appropriate T word*)

"When the desirable isn't available…" "omo, na to relax sure pass o!"—-kelvin

'Sold out!' 'Out of Stock?' how? When? Why? Have you ever seen those kids that were flogged and are 'crying', mouth open but no words or tears come out? Just a squeezed, contoured face? Yeah… that's how I felt..Did this deter me in my attempt to get my 'desire'? YES! It did..how can you even ask such a question? And then like clockwork, my brain did a quick refresh and switched like a Tv channel to that subconscious option..the 'second' and so I strolled home downtrodden and thinking of what might have been. I didn't like the emptiness so I decided to 'replace' it immediately…with the second.
Much as I tried, my 'love' for my 'first love' didn't diminish, rather the craving increased..i was like an addict devoid of his drugs, I pictured, imagined, thought of how life would be beautiful if only…I hung on, believing…but who was I deceiving? I made up my mind, My first love is gone…I should 'purchase' the second choice, I had 'counted the costs' and was about to go back to the shop when I had a discussion with my 'conscience'..I knew that 2nd can never be first…Long story short and months later, the desire for the first had even grown stronger…nothing else mattered! It was first or nothing! I was going to bid my time..and hope!

"Hope springs eternal"… "just don't stay hoping till eternity, that's a LONG thing"—–kelvin

So here as I write this, I write with mixed feelings because now the 'first' is 'available' and I definitely am not going to dull this time..I'm not exactly ecstatic but I'm deeply excited…waiting for something can either increase your desire or tire you out as a result of the wait duration. In my case though, this is a wait worth waiting…soon, hopefully I can tap myself on the back and say that "patience and persistence pays"

I really don't know why I'm writing this, it just came in the spur of the moment and what better place to pen it for posterity sake than here on blogville.

Rejoice with me guys, I'm happy I waited for the Slim PS3 rather than settle for the Xbox!

"Don't judge the beginning or content till you get to the end"—-kelvin

*sidenote: Happy birthday tomorrow (April 6th) to Blogville's finest laide @exschoolnerd Olabode…

..

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>Her Reply

>*Yup..No Post..Run along…U've been fooled* #keepItLowkey..Do share d link…buhahaha

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>Letter To Her

>*silence* door cringes, its 5am in d morning, huddled on a chair neckdeep in scribbling is this author…and then…a phone rings "…play any TerryG chant here* aaaarrrgh!!! There goes my epic intro…darn!!!

Hey y'all, welcome again to what promises to be a 'worth it' 10minute read..yeah, let's get str8 2d point————–> .
Ok, 2 of my fave bloggers did a post recently that inspired this.. @exschoolnerd wrote a letter to her unborn girl child view here http://exschoolnerd.net and @nobsdasluushkid did one for his unborn son…since I was out of options n didn't wanna be cliche, I'm hereby writing this letter to my wife-to-be..

At Home (which is benin for now but will definitely change to Abuja (1st choice), New Lagos (2nd choice)

Hey sweetness, hon, babe, darlin, how u doing this beautiful day..yes I shall refer to u as any of d above n more most often, names like mama ____ will not be allowed in our home. What u will call me is up 2u as long as its not papa ___ or 'tomato jos' or 'jollof rice' Anyway, I'm sure u'll be too posh for that! So how are u? I'm going to skip the initial list of my preferences (tall, short, black, yellow, busty, slim etc) and go straight 2d issues..u can come from any part of d country although I seem to tend 2wds my type (no offense)..ok sweets, I know u're waiting for me somewhere, don't worry, I'm doing all I can to ensure that I'm with u in no distant time (say 'X'yrs from now) in the meantime, I hope u are not following men o! I hope nobody is 'doing' u…see I'm 'keeping' myself for u so u berra be doing d same. If uve been 'doing' tins, then u shd stop IMMEDIATELY u finish this note! Ahn ahn! No wife of mine would have shared things with every Punk, Dick and Horny that pays for BIS for her or takes her to GoldenGate..so u berra stop o! Ehen!!
Ok love, I'm a sucker for beauty I mean, look at me-u shd be able to complement all of this (yes)..this means I appreciate u looking good like always! Even in d house, I don't care how many wrappers ur mum n family friends gave u, they shd remain IN THE BOX they came with. The only wrapping u shd tie around d house is d duvet..ehen! Bum shorts are totally welcome, just ensure that u don't wear it in d presence of visitors (I don't want them drooling on our persian rug). Then hairnets, baybee I have no problem with them, as long as they don't smell like a skunk curled up in there and died..and err, u don't need to wear em all d time we r home.I love running my hand thru ur hair..ehn? What? Its Brazilian?! Ehen?? So brazilians don't run their hands..what rubbish! Behave o! *exhales*..
Yeah, pls ensure u spice up your underwear collection, Victoria Secret is definitely in (I can't wait to 'reveal' d secret) don't buy Victor's secret o! Ehen. Granny things are OUT! G-strings, C-strings even No-strings are allowed! Just be Hawt! Hawt! Hawt!!!
Alright babes, u know how ladies say "men are liars and cheats?" Here's d deal: I WILL lie to u! Yes I will!! Relax, calm down first naw, lemme explain! Haba!! Ehen! U should be happy I'm giving u dis heads up before time sef..yes as I was saying! I will lie to u..whenever we have a function to attend, know that I will reduce d time by 2hrs so that we will get there on time still, taking into consideration how u ladies need about 2hrs to fix your face but still to avoid delay, I'll make sure you have your own car so you can meet up..Also B, pls know that on days when I'm tired or ure delaying, my 'default' answer to d question "how do I look?" Will be "fine"….and Yes, I will cheat you..I don't know how yet, but I'm working on something and it doesn't involve another woman…or man! Maybe eating from your chicken when u ain't looking or something like that!
Now let's talk cooking..they say d way to a man's heart is his stomach, well that doesn't apply to me sha. I don't see why u shd go thru d stress of passing d stomach 2d heart when u can just go thru d chest…Anyways, (u'l get that if ure smart..I'm sure u are)…so yeah, I'm not so much of a food freak but I love 'eating'. I will come 2d kitchen often, help u slice stuff here n there, watch u waltz around with nothing but the CD player on..hehe..and then we can have interval 'snacks' *winks* while we await d food..(Yes its our house n we can parry where we wanna)..does this make me a sex freak? My dear, do u buy a BB and leave it without BIS all thru d yrs? Hian!! See groove o! U think I've been torturing myself watching spartacus for nothing? U think I read Nackson and Better Lover those days just bcos I loved reading? We musto do utunnu, everywhere..living room, kitchen, library/study, terrace, bathroom, visitor's room…be prepared o! How did we leave d issue of food and enter sex sef? Ah well, its a common progression. I'm sure u will get used to it.
Alrighty then, to d issue of kids..err..well, its d 21st century so having kids like rabbits is so old fashioned, I'm thinking we do a maximum of 3, I'm just thinking sha, ehen! But during our first year of marriage, we aint gonna be 'doing' for kids o! Abeg, I don't want no baby sucking from the same milk factory yet, after one year she/he can join! I'm selfish? Oh yes! Leaf it like dat!!! Moving on cupcakes, this part is quite sensitive so we must tread with caution. It concerns the REMOTE! Yes that object used to control the TV…well, naturally its a male toy and we get the best from it when we hold it, it just makes the world more beautiful..whenever I'm with it, I'd appreciate if u just quietly come and cuddle beside me, play with my chest hairs and whisper sweet nothings into my ear..telling me to get the door or help u get sth at dat time is a No-No! If I'm watching footie, oh! That's like new year service, hard to miss…also babes, pls get some PS3 or Xbox experience cos we definitely are gonna have that in our home..imagine me thrashing u in FIFA or both of us teaming up in Call of Duty..mad stuff, and when we r victorious, we can have mad, steamy sex..*oh get a grip kelvin* anyway, u catch my drift yeah? In our home there shall be no 'do me, I do you' so don't expect me to sit n watch AfMagic with u..I can endure desperate Housewives and Cougar Town but jim Iyke n Tonto Dike? Hell NO!!! What kinda name is Tonto Dike sef? Take out 2 letters from d name and u have a whole new meaning…smh..
Oh! BTW, I'm a good repairman, I can change bulbs and fix in batteries, that's it! The fact that I studied engineering doesn't mean I can fix d TV or d generator or the blender/toaster…let's not be greedy, let d money go round.
Okay love, I've written a lot and I'm sure with these few points of mine, I've been able to paint a clear pic..let's not go into how we'll treat inlaws n stuff, joint accounts etc..we'll yarn that one during d honeymoon..and yeah, just incase ure one of d expectant 'wedding night action' ladies, errr…pls bear with me if I sleep off based on stress, heck! We've got our whole lives ahead of us…I love u already B, u can like to show up now in girlfriend form..emm..if ure in unilag now, there might be a problem, covenant uni is a plus but a graduating 'test' will have 2be done 2ensure that goods invested in are in perfect condition.

This letter is written with love and sealed with a kiss.
XXXXXXXXXXX <——–shebi this is kiss?

Ok peoples, the letter has been sent, not by NIPOST sha, so that she gets it on time..Meanwhile, allow me to welcome to Blogsville my *clears throat* darling @SlimSiren . You should please check out her stuff on http://slimsiren.blogspot.com She's one helluva writer and pls carry your brains along when reading her stuff, u know here we just drop 'em n read along but u're gonna need 'em there! Heehee

Its a wrap people, if this blog has inspired u to do great things and explore your hidden potentials to make this world a better place, pls share with your family and friends and help them tap their untapped strength, dormant ability…oh shut up kelvin! U're not THAT good!!!

*walks away, pen in mouth*

 

>Fruits and Friends…

>Yes o! My people…nuttin dey happen! *kelvin! Behave, be posh!!!…ok sorry..hey people, I got this beautiful piece from a dear friend of mine and I feel its something I should share with y'all..I couldn't have thought this up myself so I'm not even gonna try take the credit (but then again, I use etisalat o if ure led)..its a piece on friendship done by @ThelmaTweets …enjoy

I had an enlightening convo wit a new 'friend' the oda day. It went diz way:
'I recoil when I'm lied to', I said to him and my new friend replied, 'I'm sure you don't have many friends'. And yes, how right he was/is. I don't have many friends but I have people that consider me their friends because I am the-go-to-person-when-you-need-an-advice-or-serious-talking, aka Shrink. And Yes, doctor/patient confidentiality is absolute with zero naira charge. And yes, I love being that friend.
I'm not writing this to tell you about my deplorable friendships and the commendable ones, nah!!! Let's just go on a cheap friendship bus ride. Seeing dat I seldom have friends, talkless of ones that care about me, I mean, 'come on Thelma, u r the strong smart one, u don't need care', I feel poorly equipped to maneuver this steep, sloppy, yet difficult terrain but endure my tirade, please? I have always been the giver and had always been contented wit that (a case of how do you miss what you've never had) until I fell sick the other day.
Incidentally, my two friends (Friend A and Friend B- classed according to their advent) learnt of my ill health thru the same source @ approximately the same time and of course, both threw their pity my way. Excellent!!! But the latter, (friend B) checked in,again and again and again – oh, have u seen a doc, what drugs did u buy, then he continually reminded me to take my meds morning and night till it finished. The former, well, the former forgot.
In friendship, we have d givers n d takers. When two givers befriend, it grows and sprouts in different directions and becomes a meaningful bond dat can be looked back upon in d future wit a glint in d eye, beautiful memories and smiling lips.
When a giver befriends a taker, the former cares, strives, suffocates, resuscitates, crumbles and the taker just nods like the proverbial proud Lizard that compliments itself after a jump…but how long can he really keep trying? And the friendship is lost in the never ending sea of maybe, if, wudda, shudda, cudda.
I know u may have an argument- oh yes, friendship is like a tree- it grows, blossoms, bears sweet, sour, beautiful, jaw slapping fruits, then it withers and dats d end- but, aint we forgetting d fruits? Cuz I love fruits – juicy, fleshy, high in vitamins which is vital and indispensable to our overall health- u get the picture?
The two friends mentioned earlier are both special but each with his unique idiosyncrasy and depth. Sometimes, we have so many friends and some just fall by d wayside. That's the natural- but – aided -by -u -progression, afterall, just one call could have cheated nature out of it.
But, what kind of a friend are you?
…That listens but don't hear,
hears but don't care,
takes and don't give.
When you cant give immaterial things , I just wonder about the material.

Be the oak your friends can rely on.
Be the voice of reason in despair.
Be the smile on a hellish day.
Be the gentle breeze that soothes.
The loving arm of strength who chides and encourages.
Be that friend and more.
Yes, Friendship is a long snake like road, but the knowledge that you'll meet me halfway hardens my resolve to persevere. Do not let it wilt away.

As I close this, permit me, in d indefatigable spirit of friendship to send warm tots yet again to @vivisleek who lost a dear friend that got me weeping incessantly and @KevinwitAnL whose Uncle passed away thankx to an unfriendly health sector. May their souls rest in perfect peace as they rest wit the lord.
This is dedicated to my BFF – Oludotun Olaoye @xxi_v and Queeneth Eyoita @Qblundie – How wonderful my life is, now that both of you are in it.

@ThelmaTweets

Aww…u see, I told u this was a great piece. Now I'm wondering what kinda friend I am. We've all gotta make adjustments somewhere to make things better. Don't be a stiffneck, be flexible…ok! Till d next post which promises to be totally mad, take care of yourself and each other…

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