“Tum tum tum tumunununnunun”..”Parara ra ra ra RAAA…” *insert National Anthem jor* while screen shows picture of flag..that same flag since 1990…Anthem ends, frame switches to man sitting on chair…CUT!!!!
“Oh! Can’t u see that his hat is not sitting well on his head?” Hian! Oga pls keep your head straight and look directly at the camera!”
“Young man, uneasy lies the head that wears this hat o! And I thot u said I should read from the teleprompting something?”…
Ok, take 2! Action!!!
*national anthem plays, flag flies*
It is with joy in my heart and deep gratitude that I address you today. Our country has just successfully gone to the polls and for once in our history, we can boast of having a free and fair election..*whispers* ol’boy I’m not feeling dis tele thing..imma just freestyle up in here, Obama style ayt?”
Ehen! My fellow Nigerians, we went to the polls and some of you still didn’t vote for me! I don’t understand o! Are u people alright? Do u know how much I spent daily on the campaign? Millions o! I have requested for all the ballot papers and I will track down all of u, I will show u in this country..some of u sef, collected our bag of rice, our aso-ebi, even the 5k for vote and u didn’t still press ur hand for me…imagine the wayo! That’s corruption! I don’t just understand! Go and thank your stars that I still won o if not, I swear the phrase “johnny just come” will have a dangerous meaning!
Anyway sha, I’ll like to thank some people who made this election a success: I want to thank my ‘name’sake..prof GEJA for conducting an organised election. Everything went according to the script! My wife who smartly increased my popularity among the women and youth. If there is anything she has taught me, it is PATIENCE! U cannot imagine how my life is daily..I pay my wife 2b quiet and anytime I travel and I’m not around, she will open her mouth and add a new word to d dictionary. She has taught me LONGSUFFERING. In bed, we don’t have pillow talk o! Pillow talk ke? Her words “kill me softly but surely.” That part of the bible “I die daily” was written bcos of me *sobs* and u people will be bombarding me with problems everyday. U don’t know what I’m facing *sigh, sniffs*
Let me thank D’banj for being a great help..oga u’re the koko juh, that interview was Toh bad..haha! I liked ur sweggs mehn.. Nothing do you. You know I told you to nod if you didn’t understand anything? Ur nodding throughout showed that I really put you on a ‘long thing’ haha! See as I’m using all d slangs and then people will think I’m not endowed..filê juh!!!
Fellow 9jas (screw ‘Daro’) I got a letter from one @Kevinwithanl and I shall attend 2d issues raised. (If u didn’t read the letter, read the previous post)..He raised d issue of power and generators..Me sef I am tired of NEPA. Here in Aso Rock, we have light 24/7 its annoying! You ask the butler to get u a drink and they are all frozen, we have to bring soup out of the fridge 2days before so it can defrost and patty (my pet name for d firstlady) isn’t so patient… The AC’s are always refilled with gas cos they are on all day and night..I’m tired of all the light. My aides are angry cos we don’t buy diesel often and they don’t see small small ‘change’ to pocket! Even my kids are compaining because there’s always something to watch on TV. If there was no light, they would be sleeping. I promise to look into the problem and ask NEPA abi PHCN to take light more…for bringing d price of generators down, don’t worry we will eradicate the “I better pass my neighbour” by removing it fm d mkt..only Mikano plants will be allowed. That way all neighbours shall be equal..its either you are rich and can afford Mikano or u rest! By doing this, a lot of you will sleep better without the noise of generators!! Thank you!
On the issue of MTN , hold on let me make a call *engaged dial tone* hmm..let me call customer care *music playing* Ehn ehn! So this is what they do? So u mean you can’t send naked pictures? Wow! That’s bad o! But I suggest NIPOST, at least you know your pics will arrive and if MTN is doing anyhow, just get a NITEL line..I assure you, your calls will always connect, the network isn’t jammed and customer care? As they have few customers, they will be happy to get your call, sometimes sef, they will call you! We can’t send MTN away o, ah! Do you know how many yellow polo shirts they give me? Abeg o..
Sports and entertainment…those boys that call themself Super Eagles, they are just a disgrace..me too I am tired. I’ve asked The president of NIGER republic to come and buy them, he’s pricing $2000 , I told him $3500. Let’s be watching sha but $3400 is my last price jalé….for the local league, as long as its Egbon Mike Adenuga that is sponsoring it, na dem sabi..I can’t be bothered by that!
The writer @kevinwithanl mentioned something called ‘kush’..I was confused o..it was the VP’s nephew that told me Kush is ‘igbo’ ..I laughed (what a ‘cushioning’ name) so I liked d suggestion of packaging it and increasing the price. Someone told me that the child ‘Wizky’ smoked it and then decided to leave school and pursue ‘greener pastures’ LWKM..ok! I agree to do as kelvin asked. We shall package kush, issue NAFDAC number and sell it at shoprite wt a price of #3000 for a wrap..
So my people, thanx again for the next 4yrs. I shall enjoy it to the fullest, I promise you. I shall not be a weist. I will include youth in my cabinet PS ‘youth’ is the coded name for palm wine..and for those that don’t like my face, Ntoi!! Yimu!! If its paining u, volunteer yourself as Suya…
God bless the federal Republic
*man screams from background, “Sir, I just let u finish, but Fash will be d greatest President we shall have*
This post was done as a follow up to my last. Apparently, my dad read it and said “you should write the president’s reply”..so this one is for you dad! Err..please don’t come here again, stick with the newspaper version eh? Thanx man, and now that I’ve granted your request, u might wanna consider Atlanta again…