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Monthly Archives: April 2011

Fellow 9Ggerians..

“Tum tum tum tumunununnunun”..”Parara ra ra ra RAAA…” *insert National Anthem jor* while screen shows picture of flag..that same flag since 1990…Anthem ends, frame switches to man sitting on chair…CUT!!!!
“Oh! Can’t u see that his hat is not sitting well on his head?” Hian! Oga pls keep your head straight and look directly at the camera!”
“Young man, uneasy lies the head that wears this hat o! And I thot u said I should read from the teleprompting something?”…
Ok, take 2! Action!!!
*national anthem plays, flag flies*

“Fellow Nigerians..”
It is with joy in my heart and deep gratitude that I address you today. Our country has just successfully gone to the polls and for once in our history, we can boast of having a free and fair election..*whispers* ol’boy I’m not feeling dis tele thing..imma just freestyle up in here, Obama style ayt?”
Ehen! My fellow Nigerians, we went to the polls and some of you still didn’t vote for me! I don’t understand o! Are u people alright? Do u know how much I spent daily on the campaign? Millions o! I have requested for all the ballot papers and I will track down all of u, I will show u in this country..some of u sef, collected our bag of rice, our aso-ebi, even the 5k for vote and u didn’t still press ur hand for me…imagine the wayo! That’s corruption! I don’t just understand! Go and thank your stars that I still won o if not, I swear the phrase “johnny just come” will have a dangerous meaning!

Anyway sha, I’ll like to thank some people who made this election a success: I want to thank my ‘name’sake..prof GEJA for conducting an organised election. Everything went according to the script! My wife who smartly increased my popularity among the women and youth. If there is anything she has taught me, it is PATIENCE! U cannot imagine how my life is daily..I pay my wife 2b quiet and anytime I travel and I’m not around, she will open her mouth and add a new word to d dictionary. She has taught me LONGSUFFERING. In bed, we don’t have pillow talk o! Pillow talk ke? Her words “kill me softly but surely.” That part of the bible “I die daily” was written bcos of me *sobs* and u people will be bombarding me with problems everyday. U don’t know what I’m facing *sigh, sniffs*
Let me thank D’banj for being a great help..oga u’re the koko juh, that interview was Toh bad..haha! I liked ur sweggs mehn.. Nothing do you. You know I told you to nod if you didn’t understand anything? Ur nodding throughout showed that I really put you on a ‘long thing’ haha! See as I’m using all d slangs and then people will think I’m not endowed..filê juh!!!

Fellow 9jas (screw ‘Daro’) I got a letter from one @Kevinwithanl and I shall attend 2d issues raised. (If u didn’t read the letter, read the previous post)..He raised d issue of power and generators..Me sef I am tired of NEPA. Here in Aso Rock, we have light 24/7 its annoying! You ask the butler to get u a drink and they are all frozen, we have to bring soup out of the fridge 2days before so it can defrost and patty (my pet name for d firstlady) isn’t so patient… The AC’s are always refilled with gas cos they are on all day and night..I’m tired of all the light. My aides are angry cos we don’t buy diesel often and they don’t see small small ‘change’ to pocket! Even my kids are compaining because there’s always something to watch on TV. If there was no light, they would be sleeping. I promise to look into the problem and ask NEPA abi PHCN to take light more…for bringing d price of generators down, don’t worry we will eradicate the “I better pass my neighbour” by removing it fm d mkt..only Mikano plants will be allowed. That way all neighbours shall be equal..its either you are rich and can afford Mikano or u rest! By doing this, a lot of you will sleep better without the noise of generators!! Thank you!

On the issue of MTN , hold on let me make a call *engaged dial tone* hmm..let me call customer care *music playing* Ehn ehn! So this is what they do? So u mean you can’t send naked pictures? Wow! That’s bad o! But I suggest NIPOST, at least you know your pics will arrive and if MTN is doing anyhow, just get a NITEL line..I assure you, your calls will always connect, the network isn’t jammed and customer care? As they have few customers, they will be happy to get your call, sometimes sef, they will call you! We can’t send MTN away o, ah! Do you know how many yellow polo shirts they give me? Abeg o..

Sports and entertainment…those boys that call themself Super Eagles, they are just a disgrace..me too I am tired. I’ve asked The president of NIGER republic to come and buy them, he’s pricing $2000 , I told him $3500. Let’s be watching sha but $3400 is my last price jalé….for the local league, as long as its Egbon Mike Adenuga that is sponsoring it, na dem sabi..I can’t be bothered by that!
The writer @kevinwithanl mentioned something called ‘kush’..I was confused o..it was the VP’s nephew that told me Kush is ‘igbo’ ..I laughed (what a ‘cushioning’ name) so I liked d suggestion of packaging it and increasing the price. Someone told me that the child ‘Wizky’ smoked it and then decided to leave school and pursue ‘greener pastures’ LWKM..ok! I agree to do as kelvin asked. We shall package kush, issue NAFDAC number and sell it at shoprite wt a price of #3000 for a wrap..

So my people, thanx again for the next 4yrs. I shall enjoy it to the fullest, I promise you. I shall not be a weist. I will include youth in my cabinet PS ‘youth’ is the coded name for palm wine..and for those that don’t like my face, Ntoi!! Yimu!! If its paining u, volunteer yourself as Suya…

God bless the federal Republic

*man screams from background, “Sir, I just let u finish, but Fash will be d greatest President we shall have*

This post was done as a follow up to my last. Apparently, my dad read it and said “you should write the president’s reply”..so this one is for you dad! Err..please don’t come here again, stick with the newspaper version eh? Thanx man, and now that I’ve granted your request, u might wanna consider Atlanta again…

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27 Comments

Posted by on April 23, 2011 in FicKtioN

 

Re-TURN

It’s Friday evening, 5pm according to his swatch. He trudges in reluctantly, head bowed, trying as much as possible to blend in unnoticed. That was next to impossible because who wouldn’t notice a man who was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders? He settled down wearily into a seat by the entrance, head still bowed this time with hands acting as supports..a million and one thoughts flooding through his ‘headquarters’ at neck break speed. He feared his skull might burst open at any time (actually that was the least of his worries).How did he get here? No, maybe he should be thinking “how do I get out of here?” “do I really want to get out of here?” The questions seemed unending, the answers: far-fetched. “what am I doing here?” he all of a sudden became aware of his surroundings. It must be a church. *sigh* the last time he was in church, he was a little kid with no say. Churches were for those who were helpless and needed someone to handle their problems, a place for sissy’s. he was no such, he was “the man”. he wasn’t going to give in…wait! That was it!! EUREKA!!! it seems he had found the answer. In a place very less likely, he came here to seek help, to lay it all down, he looked up the aisle and beheld the ‘man on the cross’ , he smiled-he wasn’t going to end up like that. Someone might though, he walked out, exhaled deeply, head held high…he looked at his swatch, it was 5.35pm…

Oh! Wow!! You guys are here, jeez! Forgive my manners, I didn’t notice your presence already.. So what’s good my peeps? Its been a minute yeah? you missed me? I know, I missed me too..i mean your pathetic lives must have been all the more pathetic as a result of my absence, I know right?… heiya, oya come and take hug (ladies only please, no side hugs thank you). Yeah, you like that huh? That’s how I do! Thanks to all y’all who ‘checked’ on me in my absence, all who DM’d, BBM’d asking me to come back *sniffs* U’re all far too kind *blows snort*… Ok, so a lot has happened since my ‘absence’…believe me, a whole lot but that’s gist for another day jare, in the meantime we’ve gotta fuckus sorry focus on why we are here! I really do not know why we are here sha, lemme not lie but whatever I feed you, just take it like that.*winks*

At this point though, its only normal I explain why I have been absent BUT there really isn’t anything normal about me so we are gonna skip that and act like I never went anywhere. But just incase someone asks you, a good explanation is that I experienced writer’s bloc or in this case, blogger’s bloc (a chronic scientific malady that causes the voices in the heads of writers to pack out for periods ranging from days to months) yes! That’s my story and im sticking to it, if u have a problem with that, please keep reading and if u don’t, keep reading!
So during my hiatus, I had such a blast reading stuff from various bloggers and im so excited to see that there are really great writers out there. I mean if you haven’t read @thetoolsman , @slimsiren, @Ms_Dania, @RealistXX, @sandiePandie, @adahna @jibolaL ,@Adm3on, @elceedutchess (sexpert) , @FreshPrinzVick amongst others then you are on a long thing with a cap and you need to get your ass off that ‘thing’ and go and read..oya! halele!!! And yeah, not only are there great writers, there are great illustrators as well. If you haven’t been to the redonions blog then *sigh* smh4u (and this is just me being honest) ok, enough of the adverts, you all know the bank account. Thank you very much. So I read a lot and I must say that Nigeria has got talent, whaaat? You think its only singing, dancing and to win BigBrother we sabi? We badt ga’an…

Moving on though, its no news that soon (May 29th), we will have a ‘new’ president sworn in (Re: May 21 though) and everyone has their expectations and stuff, mehn ‘eff’ all that jare..im sure I speak the minds of a lot of youths when I say that our needs can be characterized into 3 categories: Light, communication and Entertainment. Dear Mr president, if you/can read this please take note of our 3-point agenda for your govt:

1. We know that it is almost impossible to have steady power in the next 2 years, so we ask that as you resume office, please reduce the prices of generators so that we can overcome the stigma called ‘I better pass my neighbour’. Yes we know that fuel price will not reduce, we have plans to keep bursting pipelines so don’t worry about that. We have also just recently discovered how to siphon from parked cars and tankers. So bother not, we shall cater to that need.
2. On the issue of communication, your excellency, pls WARN MTN o! as in WARN THEM before I open my eyes. On behalf of my brothers and sisters on that network, I beseech you (shebi you understand). We pay for BIS basically to Tweet and chat on BBM, send our naked pics to each other, free voicenotes and videos etc.Nowadays, to send one full sized naked pic will take 30mins and by then the excitement ‘aroused’ in anticipation of the pic would have ‘died down’…MTN is killing our potential and existing relationships faster than Dame Patience murders Queens English!!
We don’t want to make calls, we don’t want to text sef..they should just allow us enjoy our BIS o or you send them back to their country. Sir, if you don’t do something, we will take matters into our hands and you know what we can do. Shey you are hearing? Ehen!
3. Then entertainment, first sports, Sir please change the name of our national team from super eagles to Baby pigeons so that we wont expect much from them and also so that our opponents will have mercy on us..for our local league, you can scrap that sir. We are ok watching and supporting the premiership and La liga. Thank you.
Onto music things, sir I don’t know if you have teenage or adult kids but if you do im sure you might have noticed their flair for music, if they don’t have then something is really wrong with them and they need deliverance (I recommend TBJ, he has more big men and foreigners as clients so your kids will easily fit in) well sha, daddy, we want to ask that you ban some people from coming to 9ja again, #1. R.kelly .sir, information reaching me has it that Mr kels has started a structure somewhere around Car wash bus stop at Dopemu. Further aproko has shown that it is to be a ‘Center for female development’ well sir, Pls look into it asap… #2. Rick Ross…your excellency, except we are prepared for a famine, I don’t understand why we will let 3men carrying one passport into our country (yes hes 3 in 0ne o)… Ive heard from a reliable source (names withheld) called xymon adeyale aka @BragginRightz that Chukwuike Romanus Osondu aka rick ross is related to Oliver D’Coque and is overseeing and acquiring some property for their family at Upper Iweka, Onitsha. I hear he wants to start his own market… Sir pls intervene for the good of our land (consider his effect on our land..pun intended yels). Lastly sir increase the price of weed/kush/shisha…if u cant ban it completely, increase d market price. Let it be packaged (packaging enhances value) and sold only at shoprite. It will stop people like TerryG and Timaya from having anyhow access and thus reduce the level of rubbish we hear in the name of music. Youths too will reason before they spend 3k (BIS money) to buy a nicely packaged pack of kush from shoprite. Mtscheew…nonsense and ingredients

In other news though, nothing mega has been happening around me, life seems to be trudging on gently, boring at times, fast-paced for a bit and then back to normal tempo. I miss the days of living on the edge. #NoMTN I can’t begin to explain it all in this post ‘cos its going to be a long thing, it is already abi? But when I can see clearly, I’ll let you guys in on it. By the way, I have secured a blog writing job with Daily Times online http://dailytimes.com.ng (I write a bit more seriously there though), I’m also on my way to radio (#Lowkey), I also just finished a 2 week training for a company…its been a great year so far, I hope it turns out greater though for us all.

There still are lots of issues that I face, a lot of water has gone under my life bridge this year, times where I’ve wished I would just die (u know that feeling too, yeah?), times where I feel no one cares, times where I feel we are all in one big game and someone is catching trips watching us. Sigh. At times like this, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder. Confusion and blur take over my faculties and thinking is directly proportional to worrying. But then again, worry has never solved any problem. What am I even saying? How did we get here? No seriously…We were laughing and smiling some sentences above, how come its all gloomy now? Is this the sequence of life? Is this how joy easily becomes sadness? How love becomes indifference? Sigh again. Lots of questions, little or no answers. *head on hands* But wait!! If I was able to switch moods just now and even successfully switch yours too, doesn’t this mean we choose how we act or react to situations? EUREKA!!! That’s it!! Its been there all along.. I realize I determine my reaction to circumstances..i smile, I’m “the man” afterall.

*stands up, stretches, checks swatch…5:35pm*

*sidebar: at this point, u’re most likely confused about this post, don’t be! Its not a sub in any way, it’s a real time, real-life occurrence, just try and put the pieces together… buhahaha!!!! Thanks for reading jare…if I did confuse you, then I can boldly say “I’M BACK!” Please be kind enough to let me know what you think in the comments section.

*cripwalking out to the ‘Kush’ song by Dre*

 
22 Comments

Posted by on April 17, 2011 in RantDom

 

>Di-Vision

>"Variety is the Spice of life"… "it can also easily lead to death"—-kelvin

You know that feeling of wanting something so much that you become ecstatic when you get it? Well, that's not what this post is about.
This right here is about making choices between things you want so much and whether variety actually helps make the decision easier..ah well, I really don't know the idea behind this post, I can only say that its different from any I've written because I write this from a hard place where my emotions can only be poured out and expressed as words on your screen.
I don't even know how to put this codedly so you dear reader won't know I'm talking from personal experience but since I got u here, I must as well just blurt it all out, abi? Well here goes,

I'm a go-getter kind of guy because I normally get anything I set my heart or sights on. (The 'Secret' is one book/Movie that does work for me).. and so as the year started, like I said in a previous post, I didn't set any goals, I just decided to flow with d tide. As my birthday (in January) approached, I became engrossed with something that I really wanted. I wasn't clear as yet if this was a 'want' or a 'need' and so I decided to allow 'Time' work its magic.
Its a common saying in this part of the world that "Time waits for no man..or woman", I daresay I learnt this the hard way. While I was waiting for some conviction as to whether I should 'pursue' this want/need, I was totally oblivious of the fact that as long as an item is displayed in a 'showglass', every other person can see it and they also might have equal desire to get it! Heck! That's why its called a showglass innit?

Here I was on a window shopping spree, but now staring at the one thing that had totally captured my heart. It was/is beautiful, heavenly, I could hear the 'ave maria' just beholding its beauty. It called out to me "take me kelvin" and I longed to heed that call. I began scheming on how I was going to turn this desire to an acquisition, transfixed as though under a spell…my senses conspired in one great conspiracy. The general consensus was clear:"I just had to get this!" but…

"Focus creates Blindness"… "but the blind can't focus"—–kelvin

If you've ever window shopped, you'll agree with me that u're faced with several options and more than one can catch your eye. Blindness is not necessarily the lack of sight but rather the absence of vision. And when you're 'shopping', variety of choices often causes a di-vision (which of course is divided vision) There's always that 'first' option and the 'second' or 'next best thing'. I had seen the 'second' but was hell bent on getting the 'first'. Nothing else mattered, it was get it or die trying. Nevertheless though, the 'second' had registered as it always does in my subconscious. So, I successfully pooled my resources together and headed back to the shop after a week to give myself the best birthday present ever. I skipped happily all the way, already imagining how beautiful life was about to become. The sky looked bluer, the grass greener and not even the annoying bus conductor could wreck my historic day. I got to the shop, walked in briskly, head high, turned to look at the spot where my prized desire was and then I saw it : "SOLD OUT…OUT OF STOCK!"

"WTF!" (What's This For?) "WTH!" (What's This Here?) "SHIT!" (Shaking Head In errr…*insert any appropriate T word*)

"When the desirable isn't available…" "omo, na to relax sure pass o!"—-kelvin

'Sold out!' 'Out of Stock?' how? When? Why? Have you ever seen those kids that were flogged and are 'crying', mouth open but no words or tears come out? Just a squeezed, contoured face? Yeah… that's how I felt..Did this deter me in my attempt to get my 'desire'? YES! It did..how can you even ask such a question? And then like clockwork, my brain did a quick refresh and switched like a Tv channel to that subconscious option..the 'second' and so I strolled home downtrodden and thinking of what might have been. I didn't like the emptiness so I decided to 'replace' it immediately…with the second.
Much as I tried, my 'love' for my 'first love' didn't diminish, rather the craving increased..i was like an addict devoid of his drugs, I pictured, imagined, thought of how life would be beautiful if only…I hung on, believing…but who was I deceiving? I made up my mind, My first love is gone…I should 'purchase' the second choice, I had 'counted the costs' and was about to go back to the shop when I had a discussion with my 'conscience'..I knew that 2nd can never be first…Long story short and months later, the desire for the first had even grown stronger…nothing else mattered! It was first or nothing! I was going to bid my time..and hope!

"Hope springs eternal"… "just don't stay hoping till eternity, that's a LONG thing"—–kelvin

So here as I write this, I write with mixed feelings because now the 'first' is 'available' and I definitely am not going to dull this time..I'm not exactly ecstatic but I'm deeply excited…waiting for something can either increase your desire or tire you out as a result of the wait duration. In my case though, this is a wait worth waiting…soon, hopefully I can tap myself on the back and say that "patience and persistence pays"

I really don't know why I'm writing this, it just came in the spur of the moment and what better place to pen it for posterity sake than here on blogville.

Rejoice with me guys, I'm happy I waited for the Slim PS3 rather than settle for the Xbox!

"Don't judge the beginning or content till you get to the end"—-kelvin

*sidenote: Happy birthday tomorrow (April 6th) to Blogville's finest laide @exschoolnerd Olabode…

..

Sent from my BlackBerry® Smartphone, from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed internet service with Etisalat easy net, available at all our experience centres

 
9 Comments

Posted by on April 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

>Her Reply

>*Yup..No Post..Run along…U've been fooled* #keepItLowkey..Do share d link…buhahaha

Sent from my BlackBerry® Smartphone, from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed internet service with Etisalat easy net, available at all our experience centres

 
5 Comments

Posted by on April 1, 2011 in Uncategorized