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SeNseAbLE

31 May

“I need a girl to ride, ride, ride, I need a girl. to be my wife, I need a girl who’s mine all mine, I need a girl in my life!”

Familiar song eh? Yeah! P.diddy aka puff daddy aka Dirty money aka Swag ft Usher and Loon from way back….a lot of us rocked to this song back in the day. One day recently, I stopped again to listen to the words and in my twisted manner I came to the conclusion that its no wonder Diddy is the way he is. He just wants a girl to ‘RIDE?’…smh!

Brings me to the issue of the day, I wrote an abridged version of this in my newspaper article but I decided to expantiate here for my beloved blog peeps (yes I’m nice like that, *in joey’s voice*I see you baby, I love u too,,Mwah!) This isn’t a ‘P’ setting class, Prof @capoeirapanda is doing a great job facilitating that, this is a “im-gonna-slap-you-in-the-face-so-hard-you’ll-hate-me” post and its directed to my GUYS! Ladies you’re gonna love this, hit me up afterwards #Lowkey “don’t let my girlfriend know”

Yes! Eyin boys! So u think u have learnt the skills of the game and now u’re ready to play ball (pun intended). Yes you could be as skillful as Messi on a good day (eg the Champs league final day) buhahaha *sidebar* that was a great day…but you and I know that you can’t get on the field without your jersey aka naked or nekkid (as I like 2pronounce it)…just incase u’re still lost as to what the heck I’m talking about (yes u’re slow like Kanu swimming in a pool of okro), I’ll spare you the misery and cut to the chase…and this isn’t about FOOTBALL!

So you finally develop liver to approach that beauty with no pimples, two dimples, *ahem* nipples that gives u goosepimples, there are few things you should know..Do you think GOD gave u 5 senses just because He felt like it? NO! He did because the 5 are essential. Yes! Humans use all 5, well except some sha (I won’t mention people like Mr.ibu or some of you here) it therefore is necessary to have all these locked down when u approach so as not to be reproached n squashed like a cockroach…(Haha! Praise the lord!!!)

Incase u don’t know what the 5 senses are, please close this page, find a rock and pummel yourself to …

1. SIGHT: “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder/Beerholder” as the case may be…Dude if you cannot take care to ensure you look good, there might be a problem.( Pls NOTE that the lady I have in mind as I write this post is the 2011 version of the female specie, someone like emm…”MM” )…if you’re trying to date Biliki the ewa-agoyin seller then u can ignore this post! So u’ve gotta look good. Sight guys! As much as you can, let her see your EyES on the first date! The eyes never lie, she will see truth in ur eyes as u speak, if u’re going to deceive her sha, then those RayBans would work…also if u have ‘Utomic’ or half-past eyes (that type that can focus on 2things at once) emm….I dunno sha!
Sight also includes how u look, don’t be chasing a classy chic and u be looking all trashy, bone o, this is naija NOT hollywood. If ure keeping a FRO, be sure its neat and not some lice estate. Yeah guys, beards are in vogue and if u can rock it nicely and NEATLY like I do, that’s a score right there but if you get all Osama on her, she just might wanna reconsider!

2.SMELL: people turn heads for different reasons, its either cos you look good or smell funny! Guys! The last time I checked, it was a crime to smell worse than a skunk..you know that smell of dried sweat on your unbathed for 2days body? U don’t? Ok remember the smell of that conductors armpit as he stretched his hand over your head to collect money? Yes! Brothers, body spray is cheap..as low as #200, but its quite ineffective when you are nuturing a mini rain forest under your arms…I’m quite hairy and as often as often, I SHAVE! Its called BODY spray not hair spray, so shave.. Get perfumes, its nice to have a signature scent that your chic knows you by. (Although this can put u in trouble too) smell good always, it boosts confidence, trust me I know, it makes her wanna nibble on your neck and…ok, kelvin! FOCUS!

3. SOUND: what is the difference between Wande coal and Terry G? pls I’m not talking about size..Exactly! the way they sound…I’m not saying u should start getting all ‘phoneh’ and things but be comfortable in your skin (haha! The Wande photo just ‘popped’ up in my head) don’t be a Chris Okotie + Obahiagbon mix, ladies aren’t moved by the dexterity of your grammatical command or the magnaminity of your expressive ability (I don’t knw wtf I just said)…in the same vein, don’t be a facebookian in lingua, saying things like “your magic is love and seeing you is I loves you” PLEASE, if english is hard, stick to pidgin or local dialect. This is why you must cut your suit according to your size!

4.TOUCH: konji is a bastard, hunger is his sister, broken heart is their cousin, what a fackin family picture!…yes, so u meet the damsel and you wonder whether to shake her, hug or peck one cheek then the other as u see them do in the movies. All this constitutes physical touch. Here guys, u have to control your urges and read her body language..(as an aside, I have a book on this)…how free/open.she is determines..if she doesn’t open up or relax for a hug as u approach her, then don’t hug! If she extends her hand out,take it and shake gently, don’t squeeze or grip tightly, do not SNAP fingers and please don’t do any of that secret message palm rubbing thing!
In d course of the date or meeting, also no matter how bad the Konji is hooking u, don’t act till u sense the feeling is mutual (space won’t allow me share on how to know when the mood is right)…a good way though is ‘jokingly’ saying what u want to do eg saying something like “U’re talking and I’m watching ur lips wondering how they taste” if she giggles and/or blushes or says “stop jor, ure silly (with a smile), its Game ON!
Also the scenario of the date determines whether you should even consider a good-bye kiss…did she have fun? Does she wanna do it again sometime? You know this is 9ja and the odds of walking her to her house is ZERO esp if she lives at Ketu and you live at iju. So that front door movie kiss thing doesn’t apply. FORGERRIT!

5. TASTE: this refers to the aftermath of touch, where there might be need for lip-synching and exchange of saliva address for next visits…I used to be scared of bad breath and it kinda made me shut up a lot, as I grew though, I realised a shut mouth is one of d causes of hailtosis (bad breath) so I worked on that..brush your MOUTH well esp your TONGUE! That’s what determines whether you have ammonia breath or….also on ur way out, take mints-they help u feeling fresh.. I am a good kisser (yimu to u too) and I pride myself in it but nothing spoils the taste than a partner who tastes like garlic! Kill me already! She doesn’t by the way…
Yes! If you kiss and she doesn’t open her lips, don’t be forming jack Bauer with the secret unlock code! Respect that and hope for better things next time.

So there you have it guys, though there’s so much more like dresscode, conversation etc, I’m just gon’ stop here..please add your personal opinions, experiences and/ or questions in the comment section..Gracias….I remain your boy,

PS: I’ve got ONE juicy gist coming up soon…

*hits play on iPod…#np Ne-Yo “one in a million”

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44 Comments

Posted by on May 31, 2011 in RantDom

 

44 responses to “SeNseAbLE

  1. cecenostockings

    May 31, 2011 at 2:52 am

    FIRSt!!! *fist pump*

     
  2. cecenostockings

    May 31, 2011 at 3:23 am

    Kelvin oh! In your mind now, you can flow. Mscheeew.

    Very on point with everything, but may I also point out that in the aspect of ‘touch’ we know when that bum/boob grazing is acccidental and when it isn’t. Stop it, or use more sense when tapping current.

    Also, I would like to use this opportunity to appeal to those of you that now enjoy rocking coloured skinnies. *kneeling* Biko. N’aha Chukwu. Stop. It’s not friendly to the eyes at all. Please.

     
    • Kelvin

      May 31, 2011 at 3:27 am

      Lol…I’m an ill rapper like that o! Watch out!
      Oh! How could I have left out the body contact ‘moves’?’ Yeah, there are professional ways of tapping current , PHCN has taught me that!
      And as for the skinnies, IMO, its death to all whether coloured or black or white!

       
  3. Adahna

    May 31, 2011 at 3:32 am

    This one is not my concern…abi..? Except I want to hook up with another babe..of course I’m not..! (Don’t get me wrong oh.Lesbians are Hot..! 😐 ) anyhoo..the Big juicy story is what I want..Hmmphh..! 😀

     
  4. ekwe

    May 31, 2011 at 6:51 am

    it seems cecenostockings has a fetish for commenting…hmmm.

    nice post…yeah, how did u forget touch and dressing?

     
  5. @YesVs

    May 31, 2011 at 6:56 am

    This was a fun read, yeah “body contact” you know, playful shoving…nice one

     
  6. jemieyt

    May 31, 2011 at 7:06 am

    Nice 1. Lemme gaan read older posts

     
  7. miz pee

    May 31, 2011 at 7:13 am

    So dis iz my 1st time ever reading any ov ur blog posts nd I gotta say, I’m impressed.
    D msg here is pretty clear nd tho it’ll take a lot more to get a date, @ least uve got her attention.
    One thing I cnt stand tho is d map ov Africa in d under arm region ov a man’s shirt…major turn off. U may still smell nice tho bt dat sweat mark is jst nt sexy.
    I know a few guys who need to read dis post… *now accidentally sending link*

     
    • Kelvin

      May 31, 2011 at 7:18 am

      Thanx for the kind words…and yup! Send the link by mistake..hehehe

       
  8. ibetapassmyneighbour

    May 31, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Buahhahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahhah….

    Funny post!!!!!!!!!!

    I wu apari!!!!

     
  9. Spiffy

    May 31, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Nice post Kelvin…and God bless you for telling guys to SHAVE! We don’t find that rain forest attractive.

     
    • Kelvin

      May 31, 2011 at 9:52 am

      Death to rain forests!!!

       
  10. Dr Michael Ohiku

    May 31, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Lmao! *Rolling* As funny as it is, this is actually a serious something oh! Guys need to hear this stuff! Next stop -> Quarterly Seminars! 🙂

    *Thumbs up* Nice one, fam! 🙂

     
  11. dammydiva

    May 31, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Hahahaha, nice post…a must read…:D *nw hitting u up* #lowkey 😉

     
  12. musingsofagidimallam

    May 31, 2011 at 8:27 am

    Nice one bruv…more detailed than the newspaper piece n definitely more humorous…true talk all through bruv…
    Now we await d post from d “dark side” *sips shilled Zobo Imperial n looks askance at Darth Vader then nods*

     
  13. Delphine

    May 31, 2011 at 8:30 am

    You go fear hygiene lessons na! LOL! I hope them boys have taken heed. As much as this post is funny, I hope the guys caught the underbelly of seriousness in it…
    Kelvin, your humour is intoxicating! (Y)

     
    • Kelvin

      May 31, 2011 at 9:47 am

      I hope so too o! There’s lotsa truth said mostly in jest…
      Glad u like hun!

       
  14. HUGOverified

    May 31, 2011 at 8:31 am

    Lucky Me 🙂

     
  15. MzLucyM

    May 31, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Hahaha I loove dis,I must RT dis agn! Dis is a Must read!

     
  16. Niro

    May 31, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Yet another nice article by the legend himself for us ‘single guys’.

     
  17. Slim

    May 31, 2011 at 9:31 am

    Lol, Oga Kelvin, you harsh gan o…
    But o, in this 21st century shaa, you couldn’t find a more recent song for the opening lines?? Smh. OLD MAN.
    Funny post, as usual. Nice nice…

     
    • Kelvin

      May 31, 2011 at 9:39 am

      Aunty,
      The song was a means to an end! I probably should have used Flavour’s “nwa baby remix” eh? Is that recent enuff for u?
      Bush gehl…
      Tnx for the comment tho

       
  18. debola

    May 31, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Buahahahahahahahahahahah very funny post, avnt stopped laffin.u r sooo on point n I cnt wait for d conversation bit cuz in my opinion if a guy looks n smells good bt his ability to converse properly is zero den evry thin is lost
    Very nice read!

     
  19. Sick_Sage

    May 31, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Sensible post, turns out I’ve got all 5 senses. . .even the 6th sense too, who’s the man? *puts on cape and tight pants*

     
  20. SlevinCalevra

    May 31, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Nice post bro! Na to go bath remain. Small wonder i’m single. Haven’t had a bath in years…
    But wait, our neighbours house geh still likes me like that o! *shrugs*

     
    • Kelvin

      May 31, 2011 at 9:57 am

      *covers nose* what is good for the goose, is good for the goose!

       
  21. kblewin

    May 31, 2011 at 10:03 am

    “konji is a bastard, hunger is his sister, broken heart is their cousin, what a fackin family picture!” hahaha.. nice one bruv.
    for ur mind u be feeling like Hov with those slick flows… ehn Kelvin?
    …. but really, u shud hv done something on conversation. Keeping a convo lively and interesting pass jamb for some guys.
    Anyways, can u do som’n like this for the girls? 😀 it will be fun

    Nice post bro

     
    • Kelvin

      May 31, 2011 at 10:50 am

      Now u’ve given me an idea…I just might…maybe a typical conversation or the ladies version…
      *looking for thinking cap*

       
  22. a_lil_xtra

    May 31, 2011 at 10:52 am

    iLike…a lot…#nuffsaid 🙂 i gotta go read d older posts tho’…*now hitting u up* #lowkey

     
  23. kitkat

    May 31, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    “So you finally develop liver to approach that beauty with no pimples, two dimples, *ahem* nipples that gives u goosepimples”–ahahahaha!! U jst killed me right there 😛
    & yea, whoever invited that secret message palm rubbing thing shld jst slap himself!, it’s ridiculous!,lol
    Lovely post kevin :’)

     
  24. naijabelle

    June 1, 2011 at 5:35 am

    Lmao!….rainforest indeed…ur on point kelvin!….waiting 4 de nu gist

     
  25. eibeedee

    June 1, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Lmao!

     
  26. darkchic

    June 1, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Really nice post KeviL!!! I loved every bit of it.The hair in the pits is the one that I’ve never been able to get over! It’s dis-gust-ing! I yhink its ultra sexy when a guy has a particular scent he uses.There was one guy I knew by his Hugo Boss & another I knew by his 212Men.There’s this essence of freshness it gives and its just very sexy.Touch…yes touch.Very important.I’ve not been out with guys who immediately wanted to touch my lips but it’s kinda annoying if after giggling at every joke (dry & undry),I don’t get a hug.Skinnies are just juvenile as far as I’m concerned.Its the first tell-tale sign of a chewing gum boy.All in all,these pointers are very apt.There are a lot of other things but for this little that you have done for the female folk,Kevil…we hail you!

     
  27. cikk0

    June 1, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    preach it bro! preach it!

     
  28. BragginRightz

    June 1, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    Any else I have to add here wld be me braggin’!! NuffSaid.. Nice post.

     
  29. awizi

    June 5, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Kelvin you’re the man. I like the bit on bad breath and body odour…people need to realise the need to shave and spray that shit….I mean how can any self-respecting man be comfortable walking around leaving a trail of “evil” behind? Your hit the “iso” on the “ori” nice one son.

    lol at “konji is a bastard, hunger is his sister, broken heart is their cousin, what a fackin family picture”…you’re crazy for that one man.

     
  30. samanthasiren

    June 6, 2011 at 6:24 am

    Please may we add razor bumps to “touch”
    and receding hairlines to “sight”
    So necessary!

     
  31. Ope Wealth Adebayo

    June 8, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    * Catching Breathe*
    This is so funny.

     
  32. Ope Wealth Adebayo

    June 8, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Guys with hair on their chest should button up biko! not sexy.

     
  33. belinda

    July 13, 2011 at 1:16 am

    This is the first blog I’ve read,seriously! *now coverin face in shame* dnt wory i hav officialy become a blog reader,esp after dis mehn!but dis is crazy,n an eye opener for guys,esp d accidental boob/ass grazin part,i just hate when guys do that?lik when i aint feelin a dude,dnt graze my boob U̲̅ fucktard! Dats tacky as hell..anyways we girls hav our flaws too sha,so it’l only b fair to do d female version f dis…cheers :). Ps: i wil check ur older posts m sure they’l b jus as insightful n hilarious

     
  34. terdoh

    October 10, 2011 at 10:23 am

    “Pls NOTE that the lady I have in mind as I write this post is the 2011 version of the female specie, someone like emm…”MM””

    MM??
    Minnie Me?
    (E)M in (e)m?
    Mickey Mouse?
    Marshall Mathers? (Tautology…I know)
    Mandy Moore?
    Mandy Miller?
    Michael Madsen?
    Marshall Manesh?
    Michael McKean?
    Mikk Mikiver?
    Millard Mitchell?
    Matthew McConaughey??

    Don’t even mention Marilyn Monroe…she’s been dead since, and there was no replacement! I’m taking this personal!

    My Conclusion: You are gay.

     
    • keLvin

      October 11, 2011 at 4:04 pm

      MM is none of the abovementioned..I even had to think about who I was referring to when I wrote this. *sigh*™

       
  35. terdoh

    October 10, 2011 at 10:25 am

    Nice post by the way.

    I know this is the worst comment anyone can drop…that “nice post” ish just…

    *walks away licking Strepsils*… I talk too much.

     

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