All i Do Is…

*Slow Drumroll* IK stares into Camera…

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment is here, here in my hand is the envelope containing the name of our winner. Would Miss Tekela Lome of our leading Consultants Alexander Forbes please step forward?…Miss Lome, looking good, can you confirm that the name in this envelope has been verified by Alexander Forbes?”…”Yes it has!” Thank you Miss Lome, muchu ishgina gafelmili kazelucleweza (gibberish for “hang around backstage for me , will ya?”

Ladies and Gentlemen, the award for Most Humorous blog for the year 2011 goes to…

*snaps back to reality from planking position*

Hey Guys, yeah its me o! As you can see, I’m seriously rehearsing to displace IK from his BBA anchor job. I’m getting close so keep watching..I can do better and hey! I’m not even married so hey! Shhhh!!! Lowkey, we don’t wanna hear no sirens up in here…lol.

Why are we here *straight face* So I did a round up of some blogs last night and I came up with a resolve. The 4 I read seemed to be carrying the same message and I was deterred not to be left behind.so I texted my ‘editor’ and told her what I wanted to do. So I got to writing…read and understand…

*seriously now though*

Dear Blog fam, I want to heartily appreciate all of you guys for being here all this while, reading and enduring through my every post, taking out time to comment, criticize, suggest, praise and insult (Thank you Preying Mantis-God go make you bigger, maybe a moth/butterfly or something lol). But really, I’m grateful..to my Twitter fam for the RT’s, my fellow bloggers for the mentions, recommendations and RT’s, my #TeamSawaleh (I’m just a floor member o)..for everyone..I’m always overwhelmed by the comments and mentions I get after each post..The feeling is hard to describe..its inbetween an orgasm and the feeling of that sh!t coming out after you’ve held it in so long…*sigh* I’m humbled! What started off as an avenue for me to vent out my pain and hurt has turned into a source of laughter to many.

Because of you, I am. And because of you, I have been NOMINATED in the Nigerian Blog Awards 2011 *insert round of applause here, while I wipe tear*

I have been nominated in category number 26: Most Humorous Blog. Our work isn’t done! It is now time to take responsibility into our HANDS and CLICK (vote). I sound like a politician eh? All na preparation…I encourage you to come out en masse, and click, tell your Twitter followers, Broadcast to your BBM contacts, write it on your facebook wall, tell your friends, workmates, classmates to CLICK..the blog name is “My Scroll, You Scroll”

Here’s the link to vote: http://bit.ly/jGeCOj

Just follow the instructions and you’re done!
While there, do vote for your other fave blogs, some of mine are thetoolsman blog (@thetoolsman), Chronicles of Dania (@Ms_Dania), Theater of my mind (@_ThinkTank_), Thoughts from a mavericks perspective (@CapoeiraPanda) and Afrosays (@banxman n @Uberbetty)…the choice is yours guys. Let’s make this happen. YES WE CAN!!!

*sidenote: This post was inspired by this writer’s visit to the other nominees blogsites..this writer was surprised to see that other nominees had already started blog campaigns while he was dulling chasing girl up and down…so as not to carry last (literally), this post became a necessity..afterall, “if you can’t beat them, ensure you at least partook in the fight and at least bite some ear”

*Miss LaCasera comes to share her merchandise*

 

BeinG BuYsexuaL

Hey Guys, here’s a ‘little’ *snickers* something from a twisted friend of mine who stars as my Guest Blogger today @SlevinCalevra *insert applause here* . It seems the post by @MsCantFindaName got to him eh…enjoy!

*Saunters into Kelvin’s blog smelling like a mothafucker…*

“Oh ye daughters of Eve, I come in Piss”.

Ehenn?! I said daughters of Eve because I know that you lot constitute majority of the audience here anyway. Here’s proof. I bet you 1000 bucks that one of our jewels of inestimable pride has already gone ahead to be the first to comment on the blog. La casera and gala? No! Alomo and groundnuts, yes! 😀

************************************************************************************************************************************

This post is dedicated to you.

I love materialistic girls. The gold-diggers. I like to call them buy-sexuals.

Materialistic girls are the most insecure bunch of girls out there. The ladies who want the Jimmy Choo , Stuart Wietzman, Tory Burch and Steve Madden shoes. The ones who rock the Gucci purses, Louis Vuitton bags and want to get married wearing a Marchesa dress. The same ones who want to fly out on shopping sprees toParis,Dubai,Milanand New-York. Vacationing in the South of France, Saint Tropez! The CarribeanIslands. Barbados!! TheMiddle East.Yemen!!

Mtscheeeuw! “You go old!”

The word buy-sexual is a multi-faceted word which means someone who gets turned on by, or derives sexual pleasure from, shopping or being taken shopping. It also means some one who collects money for sex (prostitute) or someone who dates another just for money the other will spend on them. (Gold-digger)

Therefore by simple logic, we can infer the following

A gold digger = Buy-sexual = Prostitute.

To every gold-digger: You are a like a road side whore. Only smarter but eventually end up worse. I prefer a bad girl who is good enough to admit that she is bad than the bad girl who isn’t and continues to pretend that she is what she isn’t.

Same ol’ same ol’

You see Larry Sushey loves ‘buys’. You ask why? Well, because they are the easiest girls to get. Show me a ‘buy’ and I’ll show you her panties. I will come back to this.

A person who needs to upgrade definitely has to start somewhere yeah? For example, a baby doesn’t begin to run immediately after birth. It has got to crawl first, then stand, then walk before learning how to run. You cannot be a village ‘omalicha’, new in a city and then decide to hook up with Paddy Adenuga! You’ve got to climb up the ladder. Say from the neighbourhood gangster who has an okada (Note: The okada being the main attraction to him) to the next guy, the young undergraduate with the 1991 coupe Honda – accord (Levels don change now, but the principle remains the same, the car being the main attraction). The next guy is a Yahoo boy with a yellow hummer (Hummer and Yahoo money being the main attraction, still, the same principle). And so on…

Now in every relationship the so called boyfriend pounds you likeBenuepounded yam and gives you money to make your hair. You climb up the ladder to collecting money to buy designer jeans, shoes and other accessories and so on till you finally reach the level of traveling abroad on shopping sprees and the like.

Progression you say? Regression or at best, stagnation I say.

You see, I am a BroKe Bloke. A proud one at that but do not forget that I am just a step in the ladder I described in the last paragraph. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon but it sure ain’t wooden.

I went to school. I have a job. I have a six figure salary (if you remove the decimal point). *looks away, six digits noni* And I will always have a buy-sexual looking to take a substantial chunk of the little I have. Because there is some “plantain seller” out there who thinks I’m a gold mine. And so it is for every step of the ladder you go. As long as you enter a relationship with a man for his money, you have already belittled yourself and whether he does it consciously or not, you will always remain his little ‘plantain seller’. The little ashawo. Another downside for the buy-sexual is that all blokes, broke or not always like to look out to the better girl (By better, I mean the one who has her own). The one who offers a lot more than just great sex and taking your money. Once we find that person, out the window you go. You might even take the house in Lekki along with you and the BMW X6 but guess who the real winner here is. You are 38, single, jobless and just got promoted to the next step on the ladder.

Yayyy!

Now you can go ahead and look for the richer guy who will buy you a jet maybe? In Geography they say the higher you go the cooler it becomes. In this case the higher you climb the more difficult it is to score.

I laugh in Cantonese.

Money is not the root of all evil. Money is the root of all wealth. Therefore Women, there is nothing wrong with chasing after money, as long as you do so by working for it. What I find disturbing is chasing after men with money. The valuable time used in gold – digging could be put into getting your own paper.

I am a broke bloke. I said before that I love ‘buys’. Show me one and a bell rings in my head * Ashawo alert* All i need to get the attention of one is a ruse. Hide behind a smoke screen. You know the difference between a rich dude and a broke bloke like me is the C letter word.

Not Chedda(h)r dumbass! That’s cheese. I mean CONFIDENCE. (Not the Big Brother housemate)

An air of confidence exudes success. Smelling good gives that air of confidence so I always smell great. Buy-sexuals cannot really tell the difference between myself and Katung Aduwak when I walk into a room. I walk with “swheggz”. I don’t mean walking in a half bounce like a disgruntled Tony Tetuila. I mean walking in with a cocky gait. Slightly arrogant. This is important because it gives me an air of mystery. When I talk to a buy-sexual I always maintain eye contact. I talk to their brains; their souls and they will unconsciously begin to convince themselves that I am Mr. Tiger Woods. This act is called ‘washing’. I will wash you and talk you to places you have never been before. No lies o, that is the buy-sexual’s job. The average buy-sexual will lie to herself every time.

Maybe five drinks and a cigarette…

*N.B There is no need cramming all these moves because it will still work for you.* I even have scientific proof.

A Sunday Times article I dug up from some time in 2009 stated that scientists had found that supposedly wealthy men give women more orgasms.

“Women’s orgasm frequency increases with the income of their partner,” said Dr Thomas Pollet, theNewcastleUniversitypsychologist behind the research.

Orgasm + Riches? Bill Gates’wife must be in heaven then…

He believes the phenomenon is an “evolutionary adaptation” that is hard-wired into women, driving them to select men on the basis of their perceived quality. Key word being ‘perceived’.

The study is certain to prove controversial, suggesting that women are inherently programmed to be gold-diggers.

Who would you rather have an orgasm with? Katung or Flava Flav?

Note that the quotes never actually mentioned money being a factor rather it pointed to ‘perceived quality’ and ‘high quality’ as pre requisites. Define High quality how you want, the important thing is that the ‘buy-sexual’ perceives you to be rich and you are on a home run.

Truth is most buy-sexuals end up hanging with broke blokes like me. We will buy you shawarma and perfume, but we always take it all back in some form and then use you as a stepping stone to get a new whore. You know what they say, women do not want a man no other woman wants. At the end of the day, I win again.

Okay, let us assume that the woman actually finds some rich bloke. Responsible, handsome, down to earth, God fearing, athletic bla di bla di bla. The perfect man. I suggest that the woman wake up from that dream and slap yourself. “I doesn’t exist.”

The key to actual progression for a woman is to actually be with the ‘broke bloke’ who is always willing to give you more than he gets from you. Yes I will sing it o…*Clears throat…Ahem. “Whether na one naira…”

“If it is too good to be true, it probably is. A man who will lavish expensive gifts on you at your every whim if not under your spell is a ritualist, scam artist, assassin, drug dealer, armed robber or Nigerian politician. When the toilet explodes and shit hits the fan you will now remember Jesus.

Hian!!!

Women who still think they are attracted to the money are either immature or buy-sexual. N.B. Maturity doesn’t necessarily come with age. Ask Confidence Haugen.

To be fore warned is to be fore armed. Find a broke bloke today.

Here’s a download link to the song I listen to whenever this broke boy dumps another gold-digger.

http://www.4shared.com/get/Uhzxs8P_/Havent_met_you_yet-Micheal_Bub.html

Side note: The reason I smell of piss by the way is cos the buy-sexual I was with last night went ghetto on me when I told her I didn’t have money and asked her if she would take cheques. The b*tch emptied a bucket of pee on me.

I wonder why she kept a bucket of pee anyway. She probably doesn’t have plumbing.

Larry Sushey.

 

BanKs’ AccOunT

DISCLAIMER: first of all, I am not @thetoolsman, second, this is NOT @thetoolsmans blog, third everybody chill..breathe in and out, Fourth, long comments are ok (within 100 words), textbooks, handouts and fellow blog posts should be reserved for @thetoolsman, fifth , this post isn’t about @thetoolsman…

Moving on…so why are we here? Good question…well, following the news making the rounds everywhere concerning the SCAMdal involving the erstwhile speaker of the House and seeing as everyone was quick to crucify our dearly beloved speaker, me being the angel I am, *rotates halo* decided to do some inception things and speak from the ‘horses’ mouth…neigh! I didn’t just call our ex honourable a horse!

What you are about to read is…fack it! Read anyway or abort!

*in spiffy, flawless Queen’s English*

My name is Vivian chukwurah, I’m chwenny Chree years and I’m representing Gombe state, you should vote for me because I want to project the name of our country in overseas and because I like traveling I can do this very well. my number is V15, that’s V one- five…Sh!t!!! Wrong script people…

*my bad*

Fellow Nigerians
My name is DeeTwo Banks and I was the erstwhile speaker of the House of Reps! Yeah! I just recently handed over the reigns of power, yeah?! I’m not gonna go into details of my history, except that 69 was a very good year and is a very good position…go figure you nitwits. I’m a history maker, that’s what I do, little wonder I was the youngest ever elected speaker of the house at age 37, As it seems presently too, I’m making history as the latest speaker to be caught in a web of fraud and funds mismanagement! But HOW? HOW can I, Alhaji DeeTwo Banks, the son of Alhaji Banks, Husband to Alhaja Tinu Banks be accused of such? These ingrates don’t know anything! I mean…I studied Public Finance at the prestigious Harvard University after graduating from Oxford! They are jealous of my ability to ‘manage’ public finance codedly. I tell you, my enemies are at work. Let me tell you the truth as it is!

First sha, you know all that phoneh I speak on TV and stuff, that’s for show. Allow me to get into my normal razz mode here, ehen! Correct!!!

It all started in 2007 *sigh* (picture Nollywood style flashback)

The speaker at the time, that hairdresser was involved in a serious scandal. She had made history as the first ever female speaker in this country, she allowed it get to her head…hahahaaha…Hairdresser,get to her head..Mo badt ga’an…so sha sha, based on who we be, we were allocated some money to renovate our accomodation and stuff. Can you imagine, they gave us each 4 bedroom qtrs at Apo, fully air-conditioned , fully furnished but who told them that its everybody that likes Leather chairs and sofas? So we moved a motion (I like saying this thing eh, I don’t know what it really means sha)..so we moved a motion for furniture allowance and we got it! Long story short sha, Speaker Hairdresser used only N628 million for her renovation (we were the ones that approved the motion, but we wanted to finish her, so we leaked it to the press)..so now, she was impeached and I was humbly exalted to the seat.

Since I climbed this seat, mehn its not easy o! Choi!!! There’s money in this country. As Nigeria’s number 4 citizen, doesn’t this make me Nigeria’s number 4 labourer? You know the saying about a labourer and his wages? Well that’s crap! The bible also says something about “not nozzling the Ox while its treading the corn” paraphrasing, “na where man dey work Im dey chop”..Ol’ boy as I entered my office first day! See AC! See persian rug! I lay on that rug for 2hrs first..when my secretary entered, I formed as if I was sprawled out in reverence to the Most high! My table? Sh!t…italian upholstery toh kwoliti..if I wanted, I would do my secretary there all day everyday..isn’t that what is meant by “attending to pressing issues?” (Don’t investigate this o! This isn’t E!) It was heaven on earth o! Emi D.banks, speaker?! You go fear fear nah..
.
So I set about, fitting into my role, I had to upgrade my wardrobe (bone o! Speaker and megaphone no be d same thing)..I first got a new Dolce & Gabbana Wooden Leather wardrobe imported from italy..small money..then I set about filling it up. Strictly on some native things, I got my tailor flown to abuja, bought him a house and set him to work..shey you know that its an abomination to repeat cloth twice? You don’t know? Hian ask Mr. President nah.. So idris my tailor was in work for at least 260 days every year.

Me I didn’t know that all these bad belle people had started talking o! Its all of us that were enjoying together.they wanted to put sand-sand in my garri. That’s how they woke up one day and started asking for NYSC certificate! Awón Alakoba!! Where did they want me to find that one? Oh! Because I’m young abi? Dem fit produce their own? Well thank jah for “that place in Lagos where you can get any certificate” I won’t advertise here..God pass dem..I scaled that hurdle! As a bad guy sha, I didn’t bother. I continued serving myself and my country. That’s how I travelled in 2009 and came back, next thing-ACCUSATION! “Speaker spends N52bn on travel expenses!”

See this people o! Don’t they know that the glory of the latter is GREATER than the former? I don’t get it! Madam hairdresser rocked her birthday in the UK with about N11m, me I travelled and my expenses totalled N52bn…what’s the difference? People will just be talking anyhow. Do you know what was in the list my wife gave me? Or the one my siblings did? You think travelling is beans or shopping is paid for by name? Bone! I can account for that N52bn, yeske…

FastForward to today my fellow Nigerians, here I am no longer above the law, no immunity…my house was infiltrated by policemen (these same policemen that I used to settle! Choi! Life is a female dog!) They say I resisted arrest for four hours? Na wa o..I was in the toilet when they came, afterwards, we all decided to have dinner because they couldn’t resist the aroma from the kitchen (some iyan and gbegiri things)..we then rested a while washing our mouths with White wine…tell me how this is resisting arrest? They even said I wanted to flee the country through an illegal route..I didn’t know there was road from my compound to the UK…and NO! I wasn’t going to dress like a woman, who do I look like? Denrele?
Sigh* I’m being charged with “conspiring to inflate the cost of TV’s, PC’s, Printers, photocopiers etc…shuo! When you go to the market, do you plan to go with little money or big money? I’m only being careful with the small small N100m I put on each of these items, just for safety reasons. I was going to return the change, I swear!
*Rigging the bid for bullet proof Range Rovers and 3 Benz jeeps… See ehn, I knew where we could get very strong bullet proof vehicles at good prices, u know as Rita in Koko Mansion said “in Nigeria, we do Jazz and Demons” most of the bullets nowadays have demons and jazz that can penetrate most of these vehicles, I was only trying to help..as for rigging the bid, well..isn’t rigging what brought us here? What’s new? *shrugs*

Well, just when I thought I had scaled that yam head lawyer’s accusation..LWKM, shey you know Fest kaYAMu has yam head sha, lol…just when I thought I had escaped all the charges, EFCC brought their own..which kain tin be dis naw? Which kain first class winch be dis ehn *wails* baba, who haff I offend? Baba iyabo? Who? I wasn’t even given a chance to cry and apologise like that Weiner guy in yankee, I would have done it well complete with catarrh dripping and all…

Fellow Nigerians, the end is near…guilty or not guilty? My only plea in the matter is that if I’m found guilty, I should be placed in the kind of ‘jail’ that Alhaji Mustapha is: complete with DSTV, king sized bedding and weekend meals delivered to me from home. YES!

May I live long (wetin u want make I talk before? Federal republic never live long reach?)

And oh yeah…just incase I’m incarcer…na wa for english, just incase I’m locked up abeg, pls someone hook me up with Wizkid’s album…I’m into fuji! God go make you BIGGER!

 

WorD oF MoUtH

*intro music plays* “The Lazy Song”…writer waltzes to center of stage and perfectly choreographs the pelvic region bumping sequence, audience goes nuts! (Pun intended), all scream, some faint, others die, some throw items of inner clothing, writer dodges a measly boxer, WTF?!

*Applause Applause*

Goodevening Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to your favorite TV programme: “The KevD show” My name is Kevin With an ‘L’ and I shall be your host as usual…So I discovered that I’ve been writing about lots of relationship stuff of recent. This has caused me to question my sanity and check from whence I have fallen. One of the voices in my head tells me its as a result of my present status, I beg to differ though, but that’s gist for another day.
Today, we shall look into the phenomenon of CONVERSATION as it affects dating and relationships! Please note that I am not an authority and most of what I’m saying might be gibberish, I’m under the influence of the torture of listening to Kel attempting to sing abi rap abi moan (I’m not sure sef!)

Moving H’on…

WAIT!!! Before we move, this isn’t an attempt to lay down any rules but then again it is! This isn’t me giving you advise but then again it is…you know what they say about advise..you don’t? I don’t too…

Moving H’on…

WAIT!!! Oh they say “take my advise, I don’t use it anyway!”

Mov… (Yeah, u get it..)

A lot of guys/girls will agree with me when I say that your inability to hold convos is one of the quickest way to end a relationship. Infact many prospective relationships end on the first date because of this problem. So what causes it n how can it be solved? Yes! That is why I’m here, I think…

Point 1. NEVER set a date without having successfully held conversation for at least One hour! Yes! One hour!! Sharrap! I didn’t say you should ga’an buy #1500 credit and burn it like that o..Thank God for things like Midnight calls, wait! Before u will be squeezing your face as if u don’t do it, sharrap! There is no shame in making midnight calls, get your skanky head outta your ass! The thing is a 5 min call isn’t enough to convince yourself that you are ready to sit with someone for 4hours and successfully hold conversation..sadly enough we never prepare for how convos would go…Practice makes PERFECT you first class nitwit!!! A 5 min call doesn’t give you the required confidence..NOTE: I didn’t say CHAT o! I said CALL…

A lot of you think chatting on the phone ie BBM, WhatsApp or 2go (dies!!) Is the same as real talk..but How? Are you really this dumb or aiming for the Olympic gold in dumbness?

This is how a convo goes on let’s say BBM…

Kev: Hi, its finally nice to have u on my BBM
Sexyhawt: lol..
Kev: so tell me about yourself…
Sexyhawt: ah! I don’t know how to answer this question, just ask me anything and I’ll answer…lol
Kev: err..ok…a/s/L?
Sexyhawt: *BBM confused smiley*
Kev: PING!!!
Sexyhawt: brb…

I mean, are you facking kidding me? Age/sex/language in 2011? Oh she’s 15, she’s a MALE and she’s from friggin’ Cambodia speaking english…*sigh* *sips sprite to relax*

*sidedbar* Most guys go from the “tell me about yourself” part to the intimates “tell me about him”, “who’s the lucky guy” line—-> FAIL!!!!

But this does happen! On a 3min call though, it sounds like this:

Kev: Hello…hey! Its me kev, whatsup?
Simi: hey, I’m ok jare…just chilling nuthin much..how was ur day?
Kev: oh! Twas just there..urs?
Simi: well, stayed home, did my laundry. Cooked…the works sha
Kev: oh ok..(Here your brain freezes for 7secs and then you say something STUPID like..)…so nothing much happened today eh?
Again?! Paraphrased? Sheeeshh..DIE!!!

So how then should conversation proceed and be sustained? Remember the golden rule though.

“Be comfortable on PHONE with the person FIRST before agreeing to a date!”

2. Organise your thoughts well before calling, have a goal in mind. Eg a call to check how your day is going, a call to share breaking news, a call to remind of something! Don’t just call because you have credit and end up saying nothing!
Prior to setting a date, dedicate time to getting to KNOW this person..on phone, don’t say “tell me about yourself” ask Specific questions : “how many are u in the family, wat position are u? What do your siblings do? These prolong convos and hidden in them are keys to unlocking other questions that make the conversation interesting..

3. Listen…this is an art! We grow up in life taught how to talk but no one teaches us to listen so majority of peeps don’t know the importance of listening. Listening isn’t silence by the way, its respect!

Listening is different from hearing what a person is saying…for example…when you play an MI cd, you listen to the words he says BUT slot in TerryG and then you can hear all the ‘Tileh Tileh..freeMeNow…’ But you don’t exactly dedicate effort to listen and get meaning. Capisce?

So now u’ve passed the One hour phone test and a date is set, you’re looking all dapper in your starched and ironed TM.Lewin shirt and jeans with your Terre D’Hermes perfume oozing confidence…she’s sexily clad in a lovely short LV black dress and killer heels. Now its time to open your mouth…(Your heart is mashing yam in your chest)…you compliment her (“you’re looking good/Thanks for coming..”)…you pull out her chair (if your sense reach like that)…then you sit and then BAM!!!, You discover all that comes out next is “so tell me about yourself!” Oh! This happens a lot! You know why? Because the foundation wasn’t there..if u have done point 1-3 though, this will be a stroll in the park!

Lemme tell u what I do sha, as a very good bad guy, if I have successfully engaged you in previous convos and we meet, I’ll do my best to make sure you’re the shy one! (Truth is, both parties are shy and nervous at first meet but someone’s gotta have the balls) A good score is to get the other person to LAUGH! Laughter relaxes…I didn’t say you should start reciting Nite of a 1000 laffs o! Just light humor..if it doesn’t come naturally, abeg just park! You should use the One hour phone call to practise.. If you can’t make her laugh steady, you’re not ready!

So, the setting of the date also determines how conversation goes, a dinner date requires more intimate, intellectual communication, informal dates like house visits, movies etc are easier but still require good skills. Rather than say “tell me about yourself”, you could play a game called “tell me who you think I am”…and laugh over the responses..see? Laugh? SCORE! #WINNING
Talk about the location of the date “I hope you like this place/ hope you’re comfortable”, Talk about others, just ensyre you’re both eased in and relaxed.

Basically peeps, there isn’t any set rule to convos, just have genuine interest, laced with humor, be comfy in your own skin (everytime I say this, I always remember Wande coal’s picture) , don’t be forming phoneh when u naturally speak Wizkid (yes its a language, axe somborri)…maintain eye contact (NOT stare!! It shows interest and that you’re listening) and I sad EYE contact NOT BREAST contact, watch body language (topic for another day)…and have fun!
Pls I did NOT say that after you do all of this the girl will not be looking at you like a Mannequin, I only came to share what has worked for me…but then again, I’m the SI unit of charm and elegance so *shrugs*

Err well, now that you’re here..you can still exercise your fundamental human rights,.Click http://www.nigerianblogawards.com/register.php to NOMINATE your fave bloggers at the Nigerian blog awards, (use blog web address). Share on your TL and tell your friends, Nominations end on Friday!

Thanks for reading, the comment section will cater to questions, contributions, rants, other blog posts insults etc…

*picks up that measly Boxer and throws it back to the crowd, gathers the Thongs and bras #winning*

#exit music plays “All I do is Win”*

 

BroKe BlokeS

Hey Guys, its been a minute…yeah, thing is I’m neckdeep in my certification exams this month and its crayzee. Its not beans trying to balance all that I have on my plate at the moment. Please bear with me. I couldn’t stay away totally though for the love of y’all, so I’ve contacted a couple of blogger friends of mine who will keep the blog rolling in my ‘absence’ I hope you find them as interesting as I do. Today we shall enjoy from one of my ladies. She’s @MsCantFindAname on Twitter…

Oh! By the way, nominations for the Nigerian Blog awards are on going. Pls visit http://www.nigerianblogawards.com/register.php and nominate me using the blog address https://kevinwithanl.wordpress.com/ Don’t forget to also nominate your other favorite bloggers in other categories as well…(Yeah, I’m nice like that)
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Hello folks. The name is Bee. When Kelvin told me he’d been considering me guest-writing on his blog, I wondered if there was anything wrong with him. I mean we all know him as that dude with one or two bolts out of place but to leave me in charge of his audience for a day, even my mother would question that decision. But hey, it’s been finalised, he can’t back-track now. Besides, who wouldn’t jump at the chance? I feel honoured to be here, at the service of you beautiful folks, and the not-so-beautiful ones too.all join!! So here goes.

Money they say is the root of all evil. I say money is.umm.actually I have no deep philosophical adage to coin here besides that without money, you are pretty screwed mate! Money is good. I love money, you should too. There’s no greater feeling than walking into a mall and just picking items off the railings without looking at the price tag. I mean, forget that you are broke for a second and just picture it. I trust my naija peepz – oppression galore.

Only people destined to be broke throughout their lifetime say such dumb things as ‘money is not everything’. I for one can never date a broke guy in my life.ever again. Oh yes, I’ve done it before. The old tale of love. The Jack and Jill syndrome. But Jack and Jill though? Did those two date? They weren’t siblings were they? They could have been you know. Hmm.some incestual goings-on in that nursery rhyme none of us ever noticed. You see, you learn everyday.You are welcome!

Moving on.

What I’ve noticed is that a lot of broke guys swear by MI’s One Naira. Some have gone as far as making the ‘.whether na one naira, whether na one million, baby you got me’ line their anthem. That’s how you know the ones that won’t be going far in life. One million though? Is that all you aspire to? In naira again, can you imagine? Four thousand pounds pere! That won’t make me milk in my panties honey! You gotta aim higher mehn. You gotta famz with USD, GBP, JPY – although they all sound like abbreviations of venereal diseases but these letters rule the world. Tell me, how do you expect people to take you serious when you’ve never seen dollars before? And err.no, $1 notes don’t apply here!

Yes, I’d never in my life date a broke guy ever again. If you are asking me out, I need your account statements for the past 3 months to shortlist your application before even going though the rigorous accent screening. I may be coming across as a bitch but giving a fxck is the least of my priorities right now. Seriously, there’s gotta be a law which requires broke men to never live among the regular lot. If you’re approaching a lady, respect yourself and deal within your means. If you approach a Bose or Chinwe, chances are you’d get an easy ride. But Beckys and Debbies? Even you gotta pay just to form association with those names. Bose/Chinwe can ask you credit for her Alcatel OT222 but Debbie has to know that the iPad2 is one of your least expensive toys at the moment. Bose may be cool with your ‘o samo’ lingo but if you as much as omit the words ‘finna’ and ‘innit’ from your vocabulary in your wooing speech to Becky, just terminate yourself. No chance in hell bro!

What I find so laughable is when people compare suitors to one’s father. Just because I asked that he be driving at the least, a 2009 model of any car, reside in a house which has a minimum of three bedrooms, preferably in the SW London area, a very healthy account balance and a Royal Bank of Scotland ‘Black Card’ credit card and I’ve been deemed a gold digger. ‘Is he your father?’ I hear them ask. But my father’s not trying to get in my pants, is he? Well, I can assure you he’s not. If that makes me a gold digger, then yeah lemme dig away. I’d rather you tell me you’re cheating on me after an expensive 3-course meal at The Savoy or that’s it over after my three-week trip through the Swiss Alps. Tell me you don’t love me anymore after you’ve signed that car to my name and I won’t even as much as flinch. Have a good life, I’d tell you. But that I’d hop on these grimy London buses with you, put up with numerous McDonald’s dates, most of which you paid for with vouchers, be stricken down with Pneumonia because you couldn’t afford heating in your tiny studio apartment in Kidbrooke and then be dumped for something that looks like what even Amadioha would reject as sacrifice, is stupid on my part. Never again. Thank you very much Ade!

You men gotta wake up and smell the coffee. We women love money. Don’t mention love, it’s got nothing to do with this. Thank you Tina Turner. We love spending. We love rubbing it in our friends’ faces when we get something we know they’d love to behold. Don’t come at me if you know you can’t live up to my expectations. Some call them unrealistic, I tell them to go find a cow in heat and make it happy. I’m a girl that takes pride in her appearance. My grooming bills are high but hey, these firm butts don’t come cheap. You’d like to squeeze them, right? Grope the righteousness out of them innit? Same way I feel about that bulge in your trousers. Go on, take it out, let’s have a look.the wallet, not the.ermm.tool!

I cannot work hard to look this good and you’ll just come and reap the benefits and walk away with your oblong head intact.no way Jose! You say you want a woman that looks good but you don’t want to pay for sh*t – any chance you might be high? As Yoruba people say, ‘obe to dun, owo lo pa’. Translation – a thick delicious soup has dollar signs swimming in it. You want something good, you gotta pay for it. No Pay, No Lay. I know that sounds like the service policy of a registered ‘adult-leisure’ company but really though, can you enjoy an excellent ‘service’ in good conscience knowing that you never ‘enhanced’ it in any way? You can? Really? Selfish git!

Broke guys? I laugh in Swahili at those two words. Some of them are brave though, as in you just gotta respect their hustle. Only a brave broke guy will make an elaborate effort to hide his empty-wallet condition by attempting to make you dinner at home so he doesn’t have to take you out to a paid one. He serves you what he calls ‘Le Garria la Vivre’ which you find has a very distinct flavour. He tells you not to worry, it’s an acquired taste, he says. A closer inspection of the dish and you realise the buffoon just served you a 4-day old eba, garnished poorly. Garria though?? Kunle, I curse you every time I remember this incident. May you never again experience the joy of morning wood.

I did not come here to laden my sob stories on you. Rather, I want to educate my fellow boob-carriers in the house. Girls, forget love, it doesn’t do sh*t. Your honey pot is your power house. With that, you can compel even the world’s most powerful to bend to your wishes. But gawk not, not every girl has that golden triangle that can disengage a man’s brain from the rest of his anatomy. That’s achievable though, but that’s one for another time.

It’s been lovely infiltrating your cranial box for the past couple of minutes. Again, you’re welcome. See you soon! Signing out.peace!!

 

Do YOU?

This post is very impromptu, disorganised and is the result of the demand from the people for a post (Now I know How Moses felt when they asked for water) *sigh*

Its common knowledge that the most ignored part of most negotiations is the ‘Terms of Agreements’ especially if its almost 10 pages long (which is mostly the case). Many partnerships have failed, businesses have crashed and people have felt cheated all because they didn’t have the patience to read through 10 paged small print of legal jargon.

Who can blame them though?

This right here though, is a MUST read! Yes! If you don’t, well (I’ll try compose a BC to that effect)…Every business , transaction or interaction between 2 people normally has terms of Agreement n this binds the parties involved once they agree.. So I was thinking, it won’t be a bad idea to have dating terms of Agreements signed by both parties before they embark on the relationship…remember that verbal agreements hold no water so this will be typed out and signed by both ‘dater’ and ‘datee’

Feel free to download and use after reading.

DATING TERMS OF AGREEMENT BETWEEN _________ and ___________ dated this _____ day of______ 2___

His part.

1. I am the man in this relationship, whether I wear pants, boxers or G-string, I am still the man and should be treated as such.
2. I shall NOT be compared to any other man living or dead, especially your Ex.
3. I am your boyfriend NOT your Father, so he is responsible for bringing you up and maintaining you. I am responsible for bringing ‘me’ up and maintaining yours..#GoFigure
4. I love you BUT I love my boys too #NoHomo so do NOT interrupt when you see me with them, it falls hand.
5. Never ask me where I am at 10pm, I will lie or talk nonsense.
6. You see me with any girl, let your default thought be “oh wow! A new sister”
7. Do NOT discuss our sex life (if existent) with your friends except you’re suggesting a threesome
8. Movies, Credit, Lunch and all that fun stuff shall last 3 weeks into the relationship after that we will buy #150 dvd, make our own chicken etc
9. You will NOT move more than 4 articles of. Clothing to my room/house. These are Towel, panties and bra…the fourth is a french maid apron thingy 🙂
10. In the event of arguments, do NOT smash any of my plates or ornaments. Walahi, you will pay for them o!
11.Because I have a car doesn’t make me YOUR driver, and the front seat isn’t your right, get over yourself!
12. You cannot have more than 10 male BBM contacts, 5 must be from your family, 4 from your church..then I.
13. If you EVER ‘lol’ ‘lmao’ etc at any guys tweets. Prepare to explain why…
14. You CANNOT follow TweetOracle…#ThatIsAll
15. Don’t EVER be fooled, girls DON’T run the world! Except the world is a synonym for kitchen
16. We are dating. This is NOT marriage, we will NEVER wear the same cloth material.
17. I have sole access to ALL parts of your body, others should NOT even get a full hug. Handshake or side hug kpere!
18. Money will be given to you as I deem necessary, I do NOT work in a bank, even if I do #IsItMyMoney?
19. If u want to give me a nickname, names like Stud, The Rock, ChuckNorris etc are cool, NEVER! I repeat NEVER call me your TeleTubby or ChubbyWobby…
20. If by mistake you ever catch me on top of or underneath another woman, don’t break the flow, wait till I’m done then verbally attack.

Her Part

1. I am the Woman, I am NOT weak in sex or any other thing..don’t make me prove it.
2. In every argument, I have the LAST word, whatever else you say will start a new one apart from ‘Yes Dear!’
3. Whatever you did while toasting me, you better make sure you continue cos face it, there are others waiting to get on this bus!
4. I will cook when I’m hungry, you will buy US take-away when YOu are hungry.
5. If/when I come to your house for the weekend, the remote is mine and we will ‘do’ if I feel like ‘doing’
6. Bags, BIS , Brazilian hair etc are your responsibility…prove you can take care of me.
7. NEVER take any of my friends out
8. In the club, you dance with only me or any of my ugly, harmless friends I send your way cos I wanna grind some hot guy.
9. When I ask you ‘how I look?” Any answer apart from “beautiful” might make you lose me
10. I’m a late comer, NEVER on time… #goFigure
11. If you do NOT use my/our picture on your BBM DP at least 4 times in a week, its over!
12. What is yours is mine, what is mine is mine!
13. If you invite your friends over without telling me, prepare to attend to them cos either way I’ll have somewhere to go
14. Whenever I say I’m on my period, accept it like that.
15. You will celebrate every occasion for me: childrens day, workers day, eid-el-maulud, Good friday, Martin Luther King day, ALL…with gifts!

I have read and hereby agree to these terms of agreement…bla bla bla…

Signed
________________ and. ________________

Pls peeps, this is just a figment of my imagination NOT my stance o! Abeg don’t koba me o! Anyway, do share the points you would love to have in a potential TOA form use the comment box…adios!

PS: I’ll be doing the Female version of ‘SensEablE’ on a friend’s blog as a guest…so watch out for that and other exciting ish too…VERY SOON