SigH

O_O *shocked*

What are you guys doing here? I mean, I didn’t tag you. How..*sigh* Ah well, who am I kidding? You subscribed, saw the link yeah?

This here is just me letting out inner steam, this post isn’t funny in any way so douse that desire and wipe that expectant grin off your face. Infact, I really don’t care if you are disappointed when you’re done reading.

You might as well stop here and leave!

I’m bored, I’m tired. Nothing excites me anymore. Not Twitter, Not Blogging, Not PS3 games, Not movies, Nothing. Zilch. Nada! Don’t ask me how or why, its not your business. Infact shebi I said you should go away?

I hate that everytime you come here you expect to read something humorous. What do I look like? A friggin’ clown? You just expect that I’m gonna succeed in making you laugh? Isn’t that what BasketMouth and his Cohorts are there for? And yes, this blog award has made it all the more demanding. I have to live up to ‘standard’. Well, guess what? I can’t! Nope!

I’ve got issues like everyone else and sometimes (like right now) I’m totally blank and no funny ideas, posts or even tweets come to mind. This blog was created as a get-away from some heart issues I was facing, I don’t know how it turned to online laughter zone ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯
I guess what I’m saying is..shit! I really don’t even know what I’m saying ‘cos I’m not writing this to pass a message to you but to release the thoughts on my inside. I salute the writers out there..the Tula’s, the Panda’s, the Afrosays, the Ada’s, the Bule’s , Mia’s, Koro’s..all of you. I respect your art. Me, I’m just tired sha…

The pressure, here, even on my paper articles..”Kelvin, where’s your article?” “This isn’t funny enough..” Mehn, I sometimes wonder if I go around with a red nose, juggling balls on a cycle..

All I want is to be me, hate me or love me..I’m bored, tired..I need a new thrill.

And if you suggest weed or women. You might as well just..ah well, fuck it. What are you still doing here?

 

iN thE NewS

Good Morning/ Afternoon/ Evening.
Welcome to the Twitter news at 7. Here are the headlines:
New vocabulary added to the English Language.
Popular Musician dies.
Twitter Oracle releases plans for Amnesty Programme.
Enigma mania grabs Nigeria And in Style…
We look at what went wrong at the Harsh party.
And now the details…

Language, like change, is a constant variable and this is evident daily as new words spring up and seemingly find their way to our everyday vocabulary. This has been evident in the month of July as lots of words have surfaced and subsequently submerged their predecessors. If you are still using words like superstar, mermaid, hills, self esteem etc then you are so old school and you really need that Upgrade that Beyoncé so generously offered. These words amongst others have been replaced thus:
Superstar—> Soup or Star
Mermaid—-> Marmade
Hills—> heels (interchange at will)
Self Esteem—> selves of steam
Finna—> (I still don’t get this one, sounds really retarded to me)
Do well to inculcate this into your lingo and avoid carrying last.

Popular musician, Emily Wineshack dies mysteriously. As usual, lots of theories surrounding the circumstances of her death have risen. Some say she was on her way to popular club in Lagos ‘rehab’ when she met rapper Overdose, There was ‘a diction’ misunderstanding and then in the scuffle that ensued, she inhaled her last breath…(Bollocks) …Another school of little thought says she decided to go underground for a while, ended up in the cellar of her house and like her surname shows, that wasn’t a safe place to be!
We join millions of people on Twitter and BBM who knew her all of a sudden and we say RIP sister Emily.

Public Enemy no 1 on Twitter, Mazi Oracle has done it again. Information reaching us indicate that this potential father who gets off while engaging 19 year old girls in Tweetfights has instituted a new programme. This program called TAP (Twitter Amnesty Programme) is aimed at granting pardon to some people he had previously blocked!
Ok! Hold it jare! What is it sef? This thing is entering this dude’s head too much. first he torments us with dumb ass questions on the regular, then his brain touches and he tweets dumber ‘facts’ gotten from his left toe, and then regularly ‘fights’ with girls but keeps mute when guys get at him…aaarrrggh *pulling imaginary hair out* taps chest, All iz vell, All iz vell*
But ‘TAP’ though? Someone better tell this dude to stop taking Twitter too seriously and concentrate on the job we hear he has. Or he should just apply to Twitter to be Nigerian branch president. TF!!! TAP my ass! Literally o!

Nigerians woke up on one day like that to the gist of a $2000 prize for anyone who can drop the tightest rap on the Enigma beat dropped by none other than producer extraodina-BabaJay (no free adverts here). As the news spread like Sharon stone’s legs in Basic instinct, every Obinna, Mufutau and Taofeek ‘jumped on the beat’ and attempted to churn out a masterpiece. The aftermath has been amazing ranging from classic WOW’s to the downright ‘#UdonMeanIt’. Some people sha, God will forgive you for the links you tweeted. If Shouting is your idea of rap, then our bus conductors are madly Talented. Yes! This is a news sub!
As for Vic-O, Why? #ThatIsAll
However, here is a sample of my favorite so far, its by @DaviDamage Listen, be blessed and be illuminated

http://bit.ly/q21kOU

In style and entertainment, we wanted to bring you pictures of the Harsh party that went down recently in the city of Lagos. However, we did not want to be responsible for the images that could ruin your belief in the youth and their fashion sense.
We had superman visit (never knew he was black), we had university bastards in attendance, girls dressed as their favorite food (wrapped moin moin), sweaters and knee high boots (I’m guessing just incase there was a flood) boys in cropped pants looking all gay and shiii, and the oracle even graced the human event.

Maybe it was the red carpet concept that disillusioned many as the outfits are better seen than explained. Check out the pictures here

On the colourful night when #Hashtag rocked Lagos!

And that has been the newsround this hour, be sure to visit your Timeline often for more Breaking News and Trends. As long as the lord is on the ‘thrown’ we will do our best to keep you abreast.
This broadcast was brought to you by Maltina..My name is @KevinWithanL

If you have any latest words we can add to the dictionary, please use the comment box to share. Additional news snippets are also welcome.

 

MusT ReaD

Wow! What a weekend!!! I don’t know where to start, how to proceed or even where to drop anchor (lol)…but anyways, allow me say here that y’all made my weekend most memorable. For those visiting here for the second time (many visited on saturday), here’s the bell of bless 4u..*gbagaun gbagaun* 😀 ..to all new followers on Twitter, do hola for a follow back 😀 #TeamSawaleh you guys rock pieces! S/0 to @FreshPrinzVick @MallamSawyerr @OlaToxic @SlimSiren @StephHailey @d3ola and all those who came through (the rains and flood) @Thetoolsman weldone o! Shebi TheToolswoman ‘rocked your boat’..you shall be summoned!

Anyway, I ain’t writing today..lol..nice catchy Topic eh? 😀 …here’s a piece from a great guy and brother..potential Sawaleh recruit..calls himself the “Love Doctor” hmm…Ladies, Gentlemen and things we can’t describe..its @bule_jr

Firstly let me thank @kevinWithanL for giving me an opportunity to add a scroll to this scroll.I was brought up well and taught to introduce myself whenever I was in front of a new audience if not na slap go follow, so I am Oluwafemi Adebule but from here on @bule_jr will be preferable.My Dear Rosebuds. *picks up pen from basket of Love*Kelvin has the funniest blog around and I write on relationships so when I got this invite I thought, I have to mix both of them with this blender of a brain I’ve got and what came out was #theawkwardmoment.On Twitter this #haRsh# tag has been thoroughly bastardised and half of those tweets are not even awkward, anyway that is not my forté, let Kelvin write on that another day.

But I am not talking about that. I am talking about those little awkward moments before you get intimate for the first time with someone you REALLY like. *if it wasn’t awkward for you, it means you are a very good badt guy and you shouldn’t be reading this post, you need a baba/uselu to pray for you* *adjusts halo and sips holier than thou juice*You don’t know what I’m still on about? Let me give you a few Seeeeenarios.

1. You have chased this girl for months, and after ‘catching’ her and hanging out a number of times you feel the need to err get ‘closer’ and exchange the product of your salivary gland. You drive her home and as you start to lean in, you decide to go left and she goes right and your foreheads do the first kissing *OUCH*. She says goodnight and giggles away. You drive home with not only a bruised head but a deflated spirit. Try again next time. :p

2. Lets assume you get beyond first base. As its your first kiss you are in deep thought whether to ‘tap current’ or not. You don’t want to be to forward and look like a desperate kind of guy. Your hands end up being in the ‘planking position’ throughout. That’s #winning.

3. Or you have planned the entire day in your head. Go to the spa for a massage, have some Chinese lunch, a movie and a nice dinner at the waterfront and then over some red wine you guys magically share that kiss and VOILA the Chinese you had for lunch gives her food poisoning and you have to cut everything short and take her home. #moneyhaswastedAnyway, these things happen. If they never did happen to you, it means you became a very bad guy at a young age and your case is now in the hands of the gods. 

Moving on, Let me do a bit of my stuff.  I have tried with the humour abi? If you don’t think its was funny, go plank on a hard set of nails. L. you’ve hurt my E.G.O.Talking about E.G.O.I was very late in reading Thetoolsman post on E.G.O and didn’t want to share a comment since I though it should drive a discussion I will share a few things.

By the way my close friend @banxman(afro says) calls me the love doctor, let me see if I can prove him right.Intelligence, Intelligence, Intelligence. What does it mean? How is it measured?  There are no intelligence scales on which you can weigh up a potential P and know whether you or the other person are compromising on who is more intelligent, or who has a vast depth of knowledge.The only thing that should count at the onset for me is chemistry and physical attraction.

After meeting and hanging out, you then find out what’s on the inside and whether the P is worth setting.I’ve seen people go to Ivy league schools home and abroad who are Olodos so trust me, there is no way of telling from a Facebook profile page oo. Eh ehn!! You have been warned.There’s a theory that in all relationships there is a reacher and a settler.Reacher: someone that is obviously ‘reaching’ for someone above their league.Settler: someone that’s settling for another below their usual standards.I say: BOLLOCKS. Absolute BOLLOCKS.Cant people just like one another and their social status and standing not be a factor?No 2 people are ever going to be on the same level. #dontarguejustacceptitCan you have equal intelligence? Equal Finances? Equal Travel experience? Equal knowledge? NOT POSSIBLE.

What makes a relationship for me is that you find someone in whom you do not have to form with and at all times you can just be you.Who cares if she has more money than you? As long as she ‘Genuinely’ likes you and doesn’t rub it in your face and respects and understands you, it shouldn’t ideally bring up any problem.You can see I said Ideally right? Because I know it doesn’t work that way.But as long as you have a plan for yourself and know are going somewhere you will and should be fine.

The problem is the upbringing we have had ensured that too much is expected from the man and women were expected to sit back and just watch. Times have changed albeit slowly but it has so catch up and stop living in the 19th century. By the way, CHI isn’t dead to me. Its in  an ice chamber cooling off.She likes Africa Magic and you are willing to watch a few ‘pointless’ Nollywood movies with her? And so?  If she watches the EPL with me walahi talahi we are cool and good to go.Guys: Do NOT go for a bimbo, you will tire soon enough. Find a girl that challenges you, a girl that will make you want to get more knowledge and upgrade yourself. Such that even if it ends you will easily look back and know the next girl that gets you is getting a better person.Girls:

Many admitted to liking a guy that is more intelligent, my advice is: its cool but don’t just sit there and waste away. Learn something from him. Find out what he likes that’s totally out of character for you and seek to understand it e.g. soccer, superbowl, NBA and Tennis. Trust me we really like the effort put in, and even though you might still not get it, you will have a whole new meaning to us. 😀

So I’m done. Two distinct issues but very entertaining to discuss.My take on the 2nd issue is fact, don’t argue with me, you can never win oh. Just concur and get gala and la caséra.So what awkward moments have you had when about to be intimate?What’s your take on the whole relationship issue?Feel free to share them. Its supposed to be fun. Or so I am told.

Please no comments like ‘First’ or (Y).. say something. You can’t be that boring. 😀 @bule_jr / love doctor signs out. *drops pen into basket of love*.Fades into sunset.Bye Rosebuds

 

All i Do Is…

*Slow Drumroll* IK stares into Camera…

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment is here, here in my hand is the envelope containing the name of our winner. Would Miss Tekela Lome of our leading Consultants Alexander Forbes please step forward?…Miss Lome, looking good, can you confirm that the name in this envelope has been verified by Alexander Forbes?”…”Yes it has!” Thank you Miss Lome, muchu ishgina gafelmili kazelucleweza (gibberish for “hang around backstage for me , will ya?”

Ladies and Gentlemen, the award for Most Humorous blog for the year 2011 goes to…

*snaps back to reality from planking position*

Hey Guys, yeah its me o! As you can see, I’m seriously rehearsing to displace IK from his BBA anchor job. I’m getting close so keep watching..I can do better and hey! I’m not even married so hey! Shhhh!!! Lowkey, we don’t wanna hear no sirens up in here…lol.

Why are we here *straight face* So I did a round up of some blogs last night and I came up with a resolve. The 4 I read seemed to be carrying the same message and I was deterred not to be left behind.so I texted my ‘editor’ and told her what I wanted to do. So I got to writing…read and understand…

*seriously now though*

Dear Blog fam, I want to heartily appreciate all of you guys for being here all this while, reading and enduring through my every post, taking out time to comment, criticize, suggest, praise and insult (Thank you Preying Mantis-God go make you bigger, maybe a moth/butterfly or something lol). But really, I’m grateful..to my Twitter fam for the RT’s, my fellow bloggers for the mentions, recommendations and RT’s, my #TeamSawaleh (I’m just a floor member o)..for everyone..I’m always overwhelmed by the comments and mentions I get after each post..The feeling is hard to describe..its inbetween an orgasm and the feeling of that sh!t coming out after you’ve held it in so long…*sigh* I’m humbled! What started off as an avenue for me to vent out my pain and hurt has turned into a source of laughter to many.

Because of you, I am. And because of you, I have been NOMINATED in the Nigerian Blog Awards 2011 *insert round of applause here, while I wipe tear*

I have been nominated in category number 26: Most Humorous Blog. Our work isn’t done! It is now time to take responsibility into our HANDS and CLICK (vote). I sound like a politician eh? All na preparation…I encourage you to come out en masse, and click, tell your Twitter followers, Broadcast to your BBM contacts, write it on your facebook wall, tell your friends, workmates, classmates to CLICK..the blog name is “My Scroll, You Scroll”

Here’s the link to vote: http://bit.ly/jGeCOj

Just follow the instructions and you’re done!
While there, do vote for your other fave blogs, some of mine are thetoolsman blog (@thetoolsman), Chronicles of Dania (@Ms_Dania), Theater of my mind (@_ThinkTank_), Thoughts from a mavericks perspective (@CapoeiraPanda) and Afrosays (@banxman n @Uberbetty)…the choice is yours guys. Let’s make this happen. YES WE CAN!!!

*sidenote: This post was inspired by this writer’s visit to the other nominees blogsites..this writer was surprised to see that other nominees had already started blog campaigns while he was dulling chasing girl up and down…so as not to carry last (literally), this post became a necessity..afterall, “if you can’t beat them, ensure you at least partook in the fight and at least bite some ear”

*Miss LaCasera comes to share her merchandise*

 

WorD oF MoUtH

*intro music plays* “The Lazy Song”…writer waltzes to center of stage and perfectly choreographs the pelvic region bumping sequence, audience goes nuts! (Pun intended), all scream, some faint, others die, some throw items of inner clothing, writer dodges a measly boxer, WTF?!

*Applause Applause*

Goodevening Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to your favorite TV programme: “The KevD show” My name is Kevin With an ‘L’ and I shall be your host as usual…So I discovered that I’ve been writing about lots of relationship stuff of recent. This has caused me to question my sanity and check from whence I have fallen. One of the voices in my head tells me its as a result of my present status, I beg to differ though, but that’s gist for another day.
Today, we shall look into the phenomenon of CONVERSATION as it affects dating and relationships! Please note that I am not an authority and most of what I’m saying might be gibberish, I’m under the influence of the torture of listening to Kel attempting to sing abi rap abi moan (I’m not sure sef!)

Moving H’on…

WAIT!!! Before we move, this isn’t an attempt to lay down any rules but then again it is! This isn’t me giving you advise but then again it is…you know what they say about advise..you don’t? I don’t too…

Moving H’on…

WAIT!!! Oh they say “take my advise, I don’t use it anyway!”

Mov… (Yeah, u get it..)

A lot of guys/girls will agree with me when I say that your inability to hold convos is one of the quickest way to end a relationship. Infact many prospective relationships end on the first date because of this problem. So what causes it n how can it be solved? Yes! That is why I’m here, I think…

Point 1. NEVER set a date without having successfully held conversation for at least One hour! Yes! One hour!! Sharrap! I didn’t say you should ga’an buy #1500 credit and burn it like that o..Thank God for things like Midnight calls, wait! Before u will be squeezing your face as if u don’t do it, sharrap! There is no shame in making midnight calls, get your skanky head outta your ass! The thing is a 5 min call isn’t enough to convince yourself that you are ready to sit with someone for 4hours and successfully hold conversation..sadly enough we never prepare for how convos would go…Practice makes PERFECT you first class nitwit!!! A 5 min call doesn’t give you the required confidence..NOTE: I didn’t say CHAT o! I said CALL…

A lot of you think chatting on the phone ie BBM, WhatsApp or 2go (dies!!) Is the same as real talk..but How? Are you really this dumb or aiming for the Olympic gold in dumbness?

This is how a convo goes on let’s say BBM…

Kev: Hi, its finally nice to have u on my BBM
Sexyhawt: lol..
Kev: so tell me about yourself…
Sexyhawt: ah! I don’t know how to answer this question, just ask me anything and I’ll answer…lol
Kev: err..ok…a/s/L?
Sexyhawt: *BBM confused smiley*
Kev: PING!!!
Sexyhawt: brb…

I mean, are you facking kidding me? Age/sex/language in 2011? Oh she’s 15, she’s a MALE and she’s from friggin’ Cambodia speaking english…*sigh* *sips sprite to relax*

*sidedbar* Most guys go from the “tell me about yourself” part to the intimates “tell me about him”, “who’s the lucky guy” line—-> FAIL!!!!

But this does happen! On a 3min call though, it sounds like this:

Kev: Hello…hey! Its me kev, whatsup?
Simi: hey, I’m ok jare…just chilling nuthin much..how was ur day?
Kev: oh! Twas just there..urs?
Simi: well, stayed home, did my laundry. Cooked…the works sha
Kev: oh ok..(Here your brain freezes for 7secs and then you say something STUPID like..)…so nothing much happened today eh?
Again?! Paraphrased? Sheeeshh..DIE!!!

So how then should conversation proceed and be sustained? Remember the golden rule though.

“Be comfortable on PHONE with the person FIRST before agreeing to a date!”

2. Organise your thoughts well before calling, have a goal in mind. Eg a call to check how your day is going, a call to share breaking news, a call to remind of something! Don’t just call because you have credit and end up saying nothing!
Prior to setting a date, dedicate time to getting to KNOW this person..on phone, don’t say “tell me about yourself” ask Specific questions : “how many are u in the family, wat position are u? What do your siblings do? These prolong convos and hidden in them are keys to unlocking other questions that make the conversation interesting..

3. Listen…this is an art! We grow up in life taught how to talk but no one teaches us to listen so majority of peeps don’t know the importance of listening. Listening isn’t silence by the way, its respect!

Listening is different from hearing what a person is saying…for example…when you play an MI cd, you listen to the words he says BUT slot in TerryG and then you can hear all the ‘Tileh Tileh..freeMeNow…’ But you don’t exactly dedicate effort to listen and get meaning. Capisce?

So now u’ve passed the One hour phone test and a date is set, you’re looking all dapper in your starched and ironed TM.Lewin shirt and jeans with your Terre D’Hermes perfume oozing confidence…she’s sexily clad in a lovely short LV black dress and killer heels. Now its time to open your mouth…(Your heart is mashing yam in your chest)…you compliment her (“you’re looking good/Thanks for coming..”)…you pull out her chair (if your sense reach like that)…then you sit and then BAM!!!, You discover all that comes out next is “so tell me about yourself!” Oh! This happens a lot! You know why? Because the foundation wasn’t there..if u have done point 1-3 though, this will be a stroll in the park!

Lemme tell u what I do sha, as a very good bad guy, if I have successfully engaged you in previous convos and we meet, I’ll do my best to make sure you’re the shy one! (Truth is, both parties are shy and nervous at first meet but someone’s gotta have the balls) A good score is to get the other person to LAUGH! Laughter relaxes…I didn’t say you should start reciting Nite of a 1000 laffs o! Just light humor..if it doesn’t come naturally, abeg just park! You should use the One hour phone call to practise.. If you can’t make her laugh steady, you’re not ready!

So, the setting of the date also determines how conversation goes, a dinner date requires more intimate, intellectual communication, informal dates like house visits, movies etc are easier but still require good skills. Rather than say “tell me about yourself”, you could play a game called “tell me who you think I am”…and laugh over the responses..see? Laugh? SCORE! #WINNING
Talk about the location of the date “I hope you like this place/ hope you’re comfortable”, Talk about others, just ensyre you’re both eased in and relaxed.

Basically peeps, there isn’t any set rule to convos, just have genuine interest, laced with humor, be comfy in your own skin (everytime I say this, I always remember Wande coal’s picture) , don’t be forming phoneh when u naturally speak Wizkid (yes its a language, axe somborri)…maintain eye contact (NOT stare!! It shows interest and that you’re listening) and I sad EYE contact NOT BREAST contact, watch body language (topic for another day)…and have fun!
Pls I did NOT say that after you do all of this the girl will not be looking at you like a Mannequin, I only came to share what has worked for me…but then again, I’m the SI unit of charm and elegance so *shrugs*

Err well, now that you’re here..you can still exercise your fundamental human rights,.Click http://www.nigerianblogawards.com/register.php to NOMINATE your fave bloggers at the Nigerian blog awards, (use blog web address). Share on your TL and tell your friends, Nominations end on Friday!

Thanks for reading, the comment section will cater to questions, contributions, rants, other blog posts insults etc…

*picks up that measly Boxer and throws it back to the crowd, gathers the Thongs and bras #winning*

#exit music plays “All I do is Win”*

 

SeNseAbLE

“I need a girl to ride, ride, ride, I need a girl. to be my wife, I need a girl who’s mine all mine, I need a girl in my life!”

Familiar song eh? Yeah! P.diddy aka puff daddy aka Dirty money aka Swag ft Usher and Loon from way back….a lot of us rocked to this song back in the day. One day recently, I stopped again to listen to the words and in my twisted manner I came to the conclusion that its no wonder Diddy is the way he is. He just wants a girl to ‘RIDE?’…smh!

Brings me to the issue of the day, I wrote an abridged version of this in my newspaper article but I decided to expantiate here for my beloved blog peeps (yes I’m nice like that, *in joey’s voice*I see you baby, I love u too,,Mwah!) This isn’t a ‘P’ setting class, Prof @capoeirapanda is doing a great job facilitating that, this is a “im-gonna-slap-you-in-the-face-so-hard-you’ll-hate-me” post and its directed to my GUYS! Ladies you’re gonna love this, hit me up afterwards #Lowkey “don’t let my girlfriend know”

Yes! Eyin boys! So u think u have learnt the skills of the game and now u’re ready to play ball (pun intended). Yes you could be as skillful as Messi on a good day (eg the Champs league final day) buhahaha *sidebar* that was a great day…but you and I know that you can’t get on the field without your jersey aka naked or nekkid (as I like 2pronounce it)…just incase u’re still lost as to what the heck I’m talking about (yes u’re slow like Kanu swimming in a pool of okro), I’ll spare you the misery and cut to the chase…and this isn’t about FOOTBALL!

So you finally develop liver to approach that beauty with no pimples, two dimples, *ahem* nipples that gives u goosepimples, there are few things you should know..Do you think GOD gave u 5 senses just because He felt like it? NO! He did because the 5 are essential. Yes! Humans use all 5, well except some sha (I won’t mention people like Mr.ibu or some of you here) it therefore is necessary to have all these locked down when u approach so as not to be reproached n squashed like a cockroach…(Haha! Praise the lord!!!)

Incase u don’t know what the 5 senses are, please close this page, find a rock and pummel yourself to …

1. SIGHT: “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder/Beerholder” as the case may be…Dude if you cannot take care to ensure you look good, there might be a problem.( Pls NOTE that the lady I have in mind as I write this post is the 2011 version of the female specie, someone like emm…”MM” )…if you’re trying to date Biliki the ewa-agoyin seller then u can ignore this post! So u’ve gotta look good. Sight guys! As much as you can, let her see your EyES on the first date! The eyes never lie, she will see truth in ur eyes as u speak, if u’re going to deceive her sha, then those RayBans would work…also if u have ‘Utomic’ or half-past eyes (that type that can focus on 2things at once) emm….I dunno sha!
Sight also includes how u look, don’t be chasing a classy chic and u be looking all trashy, bone o, this is naija NOT hollywood. If ure keeping a FRO, be sure its neat and not some lice estate. Yeah guys, beards are in vogue and if u can rock it nicely and NEATLY like I do, that’s a score right there but if you get all Osama on her, she just might wanna reconsider!

2.SMELL: people turn heads for different reasons, its either cos you look good or smell funny! Guys! The last time I checked, it was a crime to smell worse than a skunk..you know that smell of dried sweat on your unbathed for 2days body? U don’t? Ok remember the smell of that conductors armpit as he stretched his hand over your head to collect money? Yes! Brothers, body spray is cheap..as low as #200, but its quite ineffective when you are nuturing a mini rain forest under your arms…I’m quite hairy and as often as often, I SHAVE! Its called BODY spray not hair spray, so shave.. Get perfumes, its nice to have a signature scent that your chic knows you by. (Although this can put u in trouble too) smell good always, it boosts confidence, trust me I know, it makes her wanna nibble on your neck and…ok, kelvin! FOCUS!

3. SOUND: what is the difference between Wande coal and Terry G? pls I’m not talking about size..Exactly! the way they sound…I’m not saying u should start getting all ‘phoneh’ and things but be comfortable in your skin (haha! The Wande photo just ‘popped’ up in my head) don’t be a Chris Okotie + Obahiagbon mix, ladies aren’t moved by the dexterity of your grammatical command or the magnaminity of your expressive ability (I don’t knw wtf I just said)…in the same vein, don’t be a facebookian in lingua, saying things like “your magic is love and seeing you is I loves you” PLEASE, if english is hard, stick to pidgin or local dialect. This is why you must cut your suit according to your size!

4.TOUCH: konji is a bastard, hunger is his sister, broken heart is their cousin, what a fackin family picture!…yes, so u meet the damsel and you wonder whether to shake her, hug or peck one cheek then the other as u see them do in the movies. All this constitutes physical touch. Here guys, u have to control your urges and read her body language..(as an aside, I have a book on this)…how free/open.she is determines..if she doesn’t open up or relax for a hug as u approach her, then don’t hug! If she extends her hand out,take it and shake gently, don’t squeeze or grip tightly, do not SNAP fingers and please don’t do any of that secret message palm rubbing thing!
In d course of the date or meeting, also no matter how bad the Konji is hooking u, don’t act till u sense the feeling is mutual (space won’t allow me share on how to know when the mood is right)…a good way though is ‘jokingly’ saying what u want to do eg saying something like “U’re talking and I’m watching ur lips wondering how they taste” if she giggles and/or blushes or says “stop jor, ure silly (with a smile), its Game ON!
Also the scenario of the date determines whether you should even consider a good-bye kiss…did she have fun? Does she wanna do it again sometime? You know this is 9ja and the odds of walking her to her house is ZERO esp if she lives at Ketu and you live at iju. So that front door movie kiss thing doesn’t apply. FORGERRIT!

5. TASTE: this refers to the aftermath of touch, where there might be need for lip-synching and exchange of saliva address for next visits…I used to be scared of bad breath and it kinda made me shut up a lot, as I grew though, I realised a shut mouth is one of d causes of hailtosis (bad breath) so I worked on that..brush your MOUTH well esp your TONGUE! That’s what determines whether you have ammonia breath or….also on ur way out, take mints-they help u feeling fresh.. I am a good kisser (yimu to u too) and I pride myself in it but nothing spoils the taste than a partner who tastes like garlic! Kill me already! She doesn’t by the way…
Yes! If you kiss and she doesn’t open her lips, don’t be forming jack Bauer with the secret unlock code! Respect that and hope for better things next time.

So there you have it guys, though there’s so much more like dresscode, conversation etc, I’m just gon’ stop here..please add your personal opinions, experiences and/ or questions in the comment section..Gracias….I remain your boy,

PS: I’ve got ONE juicy gist coming up soon…

*hits play on iPod…#np Ne-Yo “one in a million”

 

NoLovE 2

WARNING: This post is LONG!

Disclaimer: The characters in this post are real BUT I did NOT mention any names o! I repeat: I DID NOT MENTION ANY NAMES. Any names implied are at the readers risk. Any attempted attempt to harm this writer should be ‘rethunk’ Yes ‘RETHUNK!” I walk around with a pen knife and I know Kung-Fu, Taekwando, Su-Shi and 10 other dangerous languages!
You have been warned!

The bloggers listed below are some of the plenty that swarm your TL on the regular. All of you know that you have beef for them but fear did not let you talk. Yes I shall be the ‘scapeGoat’ and I shall talk. I may not mention all since almost every seun, ifunnaya and Rasaki attempts to blog. These however are some of the ‘big fish’ as far as I’m concerned and I HATE ’em more than others!

For ease, I shall refer to their twitter handles for description purposes. If u can’t decipher them, you can like to go on a date, camping with Harold, he’ll take u to d end of the world!

*1. This one is an EXperienced School geek. If my sources are correct, she has been writing since 2003! Tori Olórun, why? Ahn ahn, her mates were dancing to sisqo and Dru Hill, she was blogging..she dey write sha!! Even voted Nigerian blogger of d year smtym ago..if she handle your matter eh? Hian! She’s a blogger celeb somebody, even interviewed on Channels that year alongside my hero ‘NaijaFineboy’…see why I hate her?

*2. I don’t know if this one missed his way as an electrician/Technician seeing as he’s always carrying a TOOLbox everywhere. He now ended up in blogsville. This one writes regularly sha, he even has names for d days of his posts and I HATE this guy on a federal level, always having the highest no of comments..small thing that he will write o, 120 comments, then me I will write project and get 7 comments…mtscheeew. He’s like my oga and u know that boys hate their ogas so…

*3. This lepa lady has a twitter handle with initials like a genotype. She’s a sicko, yelzz. How will somebody just wake up and be writing about éléran (meat seller) and somebody’s trouser? Worrahell? And u people will be encouraging her to write more. I once did a collabo with this chic, u know how Eminem murdered JayZ on the renegade song…that’s what she did to me…That’s why I HATE her!!! She gives good ‘mindgasms’ tho and well, lemme just stop!

*4. This biafran lady also shares initials with the aforementioned genotype. Adding an ‘O’ to her first name makes her similar to one terrorist buried at sea, no wonder she’s a sea creature too. She just appeared from where I don’t know and started talking about the gods: Zeus and co.. She doesn’t fear o! Now all the boys are just lining up and her avatars on Twitter ehn esp one backview like that…I HATE her! Nuff said!

*5. Have u seen a polar bear with a chieftaincy title complete with the ‘CAP’ and things? Well this brotha is all that and more..this one is just amazingly intelligent. Little wonder he runs a summer sch presently which I attend sef (can u imagine?) Yes I beef him, no one man should have that much..warrever…*hilzz*

*6. You will think that tall people are all length and no brain, only good for fixing light bulbs since the ones in their heads are constantly faulty but NO! This one, he’s just a blog ashewo. He’s like the lil’ wayne of blogville (jumping fm one blog to another). Some call him prof. His handle sounds like the eBOLA virus..talkin about viruses, He can write about sex and all those bed room stuff but u know what they say now, “empty barrels…”

*7. I think this lady grew up watching too much Titanic and sad endings. Her writing can make onions cry ahn ahn! And OMG! I have NEVER spotted a punctuation error in her articles!! I HATE YOu!! She bears the name of d typical IGBO first daughter with an ‘nia’ at the end. Based on the way she writes, I won’t be surprised if she takes the IGBO stuff too…

*8. This other igbo first daughter is the senior sister of Razz, as in eh ‘Jenifa’ ain’t got nuthin on dis chic. She has facial cheeks that make Sasha look like Asa. This one eh, she writes about the oddest stuff like pepper, the relationshp between illuminatti and cowbell advert. Very annoying! Yeah her handle is the igbo name with ‘hna’

*9. They say “Shayo na Bastehd” so feel free to call dis one bastehd…some call him skilobo, abija (what kind of name is skilobo?). He is a landlord with a tenant called Morufu, a weyrey sha. When he writes sef, it seems he’s under d influence, but his disclaimers ehn? No be here sha, I couldn’t afford his fee for this post so deuces! I HATE u!

*10. Her handle sounds like teleTUBBY. This one can confuse you with her post. D other day she wrote about rainbow, im like WTF? ROYGBIV? WGAF? She keeps complaining that my posts are long so I put her down here to suffer her, yels ke..its all HATE!

*11. Because u yellow no mean say u fine. I don’t know who’s deceiving this one that he’s FRESH or a PRINCe…confirmed ashawo blogger, its the salvation he has that just keeps him, if not his posts will be R30..be eyeing all d girls, I see u o!

*12. As far as I know, this one is a confused AFRO carrying BANK man..he will just be beating gong up and down. Where dyu think you are 1960? I’m sorry for u o! You better wake up and smell the paraga…this dude can write deep things—WELL! Gerrit? U don’t? *hilzzz*

*13. This refugee MALLAM has brought his craze here on blogville, this one is undoubtedly the no 1 blog commentator, ah ah!! He shd be working with NTA sports or sth..he writes crazily too though and of course, any threat in my dept is definitely hated so do the math…

There are more but what is it sef? Na me hate pass? And this post is getting too long, but here’s what it is people..for all these guys and lasses and the plenty others not mentioned here, eg ( cece, Adm3on, Mscantfindaname, Olatoxic, cikko, chukyJ, JCPhoenixx, thinkThank, mia, awizii, ekwem) etc..whether we hate ’em or not, they have somehow added value, educated us, shared experiences and stuff…
I hate Bloggers (the lazy ones with boring stuff and nuthin to say), they just join the seeming crowd yet have nothing to offer. I don’t claim to have arrived, and I do support everyone expressing themselves but like they say at Christ Embassy, make sure its “worth hearing/reading as d case is.

I love these PEOPLE though…ma familia… For details of the blog addresses for the abovelisted peeps, hit me up on Twitter, yeah?

*takes a bow* not bow as in bowing but bow as in ready to shoot anyone who steps to me*

 

NoLovE

Yo mortals, what’s happening? Its been a minute yeah? My bad! Thing is I’ve been on a kinda tour so I figured I’d sit back, relax and put my feet up for a bit…so how are you doing my lil’ chums? Is all well? As long as u’re reading this, you definitely ain’t in Heaven, that’s for sure! You probably expect I’ll do a Post-end-of-the-world post right? Eh ya! Kpele, I’m gonna pass on that (for now, I guess)

Oh! But for those celebrating the seeming fact that the rapture didn’t occur, hold your horses, it’s still gonna…and you know the best part? No one’s gonna prepare you for that, so you better be ‘camped’ and ready whenever. Yeah back to this…

Of recent, I was on ‘summer vacation’ in lag and all I can say is it was worth every minute. I’ll probably share that with you all on some later post. In the meantime though, why are we here? Yes! This is the question! And I have the answer!

Our once normal world is being taken over, Look around you, they are everywhere, they are male and female in kind, they reside mostly on Facebook and Twitter, some of them in Papers and Magazines, they appear on your TL without your permission, you get cc’ed to RT their stuff, they cajole you sweetly by telling you to Read and Pls RT their stuff, who do they think they are? What makes them think I care what they have to say? Why can’t they just ‘dey their lane’ and leave me alone #YesMichaelJackson (I miss you mehn), Some of them even think they are some kinda authority or gods. Such a bunch of ‘I’m too good for my own good smarty pants’. “Who are they?” Are you kidding me? I mean with all the description I’ve given! Are you from the milky way or are you just doing an excellent imitation of being stupid?

They are Bloggers and I HATE THEM!

Yes! I HATE THEM!

Wonder why? See you in my next post…

 

Re-TURN

It’s Friday evening, 5pm according to his swatch. He trudges in reluctantly, head bowed, trying as much as possible to blend in unnoticed. That was next to impossible because who wouldn’t notice a man who was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders? He settled down wearily into a seat by the entrance, head still bowed this time with hands acting as supports..a million and one thoughts flooding through his ‘headquarters’ at neck break speed. He feared his skull might burst open at any time (actually that was the least of his worries).How did he get here? No, maybe he should be thinking “how do I get out of here?” “do I really want to get out of here?” The questions seemed unending, the answers: far-fetched. “what am I doing here?” he all of a sudden became aware of his surroundings. It must be a church. *sigh* the last time he was in church, he was a little kid with no say. Churches were for those who were helpless and needed someone to handle their problems, a place for sissy’s. he was no such, he was “the man”. he wasn’t going to give in…wait! That was it!! EUREKA!!! it seems he had found the answer. In a place very less likely, he came here to seek help, to lay it all down, he looked up the aisle and beheld the ‘man on the cross’ , he smiled-he wasn’t going to end up like that. Someone might though, he walked out, exhaled deeply, head held high…he looked at his swatch, it was 5.35pm…

Oh! Wow!! You guys are here, jeez! Forgive my manners, I didn’t notice your presence already.. So what’s good my peeps? Its been a minute yeah? you missed me? I know, I missed me too..i mean your pathetic lives must have been all the more pathetic as a result of my absence, I know right?… heiya, oya come and take hug (ladies only please, no side hugs thank you). Yeah, you like that huh? That’s how I do! Thanks to all y’all who ‘checked’ on me in my absence, all who DM’d, BBM’d asking me to come back *sniffs* U’re all far too kind *blows snort*… Ok, so a lot has happened since my ‘absence’…believe me, a whole lot but that’s gist for another day jare, in the meantime we’ve gotta fuckus sorry focus on why we are here! I really do not know why we are here sha, lemme not lie but whatever I feed you, just take it like that.*winks*

At this point though, its only normal I explain why I have been absent BUT there really isn’t anything normal about me so we are gonna skip that and act like I never went anywhere. But just incase someone asks you, a good explanation is that I experienced writer’s bloc or in this case, blogger’s bloc (a chronic scientific malady that causes the voices in the heads of writers to pack out for periods ranging from days to months) yes! That’s my story and im sticking to it, if u have a problem with that, please keep reading and if u don’t, keep reading!
So during my hiatus, I had such a blast reading stuff from various bloggers and im so excited to see that there are really great writers out there. I mean if you haven’t read @thetoolsman , @slimsiren, @Ms_Dania, @RealistXX, @sandiePandie, @adahna @jibolaL ,@Adm3on, @elceedutchess (sexpert) , @FreshPrinzVick amongst others then you are on a long thing with a cap and you need to get your ass off that ‘thing’ and go and read..oya! halele!!! And yeah, not only are there great writers, there are great illustrators as well. If you haven’t been to the redonions blog then *sigh* smh4u (and this is just me being honest) ok, enough of the adverts, you all know the bank account. Thank you very much. So I read a lot and I must say that Nigeria has got talent, whaaat? You think its only singing, dancing and to win BigBrother we sabi? We badt ga’an…

Moving on though, its no news that soon (May 29th), we will have a ‘new’ president sworn in (Re: May 21 though) and everyone has their expectations and stuff, mehn ‘eff’ all that jare..im sure I speak the minds of a lot of youths when I say that our needs can be characterized into 3 categories: Light, communication and Entertainment. Dear Mr president, if you/can read this please take note of our 3-point agenda for your govt:

1. We know that it is almost impossible to have steady power in the next 2 years, so we ask that as you resume office, please reduce the prices of generators so that we can overcome the stigma called ‘I better pass my neighbour’. Yes we know that fuel price will not reduce, we have plans to keep bursting pipelines so don’t worry about that. We have also just recently discovered how to siphon from parked cars and tankers. So bother not, we shall cater to that need.
2. On the issue of communication, your excellency, pls WARN MTN o! as in WARN THEM before I open my eyes. On behalf of my brothers and sisters on that network, I beseech you (shebi you understand). We pay for BIS basically to Tweet and chat on BBM, send our naked pics to each other, free voicenotes and videos etc.Nowadays, to send one full sized naked pic will take 30mins and by then the excitement ‘aroused’ in anticipation of the pic would have ‘died down’…MTN is killing our potential and existing relationships faster than Dame Patience murders Queens English!!
We don’t want to make calls, we don’t want to text sef..they should just allow us enjoy our BIS o or you send them back to their country. Sir, if you don’t do something, we will take matters into our hands and you know what we can do. Shey you are hearing? Ehen!
3. Then entertainment, first sports, Sir please change the name of our national team from super eagles to Baby pigeons so that we wont expect much from them and also so that our opponents will have mercy on us..for our local league, you can scrap that sir. We are ok watching and supporting the premiership and La liga. Thank you.
Onto music things, sir I don’t know if you have teenage or adult kids but if you do im sure you might have noticed their flair for music, if they don’t have then something is really wrong with them and they need deliverance (I recommend TBJ, he has more big men and foreigners as clients so your kids will easily fit in) well sha, daddy, we want to ask that you ban some people from coming to 9ja again, #1. R.kelly .sir, information reaching me has it that Mr kels has started a structure somewhere around Car wash bus stop at Dopemu. Further aproko has shown that it is to be a ‘Center for female development’ well sir, Pls look into it asap… #2. Rick Ross…your excellency, except we are prepared for a famine, I don’t understand why we will let 3men carrying one passport into our country (yes hes 3 in 0ne o)… Ive heard from a reliable source (names withheld) called xymon adeyale aka @BragginRightz that Chukwuike Romanus Osondu aka rick ross is related to Oliver D’Coque and is overseeing and acquiring some property for their family at Upper Iweka, Onitsha. I hear he wants to start his own market… Sir pls intervene for the good of our land (consider his effect on our land..pun intended yels). Lastly sir increase the price of weed/kush/shisha…if u cant ban it completely, increase d market price. Let it be packaged (packaging enhances value) and sold only at shoprite. It will stop people like TerryG and Timaya from having anyhow access and thus reduce the level of rubbish we hear in the name of music. Youths too will reason before they spend 3k (BIS money) to buy a nicely packaged pack of kush from shoprite. Mtscheew…nonsense and ingredients

In other news though, nothing mega has been happening around me, life seems to be trudging on gently, boring at times, fast-paced for a bit and then back to normal tempo. I miss the days of living on the edge. #NoMTN I can’t begin to explain it all in this post ‘cos its going to be a long thing, it is already abi? But when I can see clearly, I’ll let you guys in on it. By the way, I have secured a blog writing job with Daily Times online http://dailytimes.com.ng (I write a bit more seriously there though), I’m also on my way to radio (#Lowkey), I also just finished a 2 week training for a company…its been a great year so far, I hope it turns out greater though for us all.

There still are lots of issues that I face, a lot of water has gone under my life bridge this year, times where I’ve wished I would just die (u know that feeling too, yeah?), times where I feel no one cares, times where I feel we are all in one big game and someone is catching trips watching us. Sigh. At times like this, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder. Confusion and blur take over my faculties and thinking is directly proportional to worrying. But then again, worry has never solved any problem. What am I even saying? How did we get here? No seriously…We were laughing and smiling some sentences above, how come its all gloomy now? Is this the sequence of life? Is this how joy easily becomes sadness? How love becomes indifference? Sigh again. Lots of questions, little or no answers. *head on hands* But wait!! If I was able to switch moods just now and even successfully switch yours too, doesn’t this mean we choose how we act or react to situations? EUREKA!!! That’s it!! Its been there all along.. I realize I determine my reaction to circumstances..i smile, I’m “the man” afterall.

*stands up, stretches, checks swatch…5:35pm*

*sidebar: at this point, u’re most likely confused about this post, don’t be! Its not a sub in any way, it’s a real time, real-life occurrence, just try and put the pieces together… buhahaha!!!! Thanks for reading jare…if I did confuse you, then I can boldly say “I’M BACK!” Please be kind enough to let me know what you think in the comments section.

*cripwalking out to the ‘Kush’ song by Dre*