RSS

Category Archives: FicKtioN

TemPtaTioN

*Removes cobwebs around blog* Hey guys, yes I know I’ve been MIA. Well let’s say I’m off everything for a while. My brain haff knock. Seeing as I was absent during the week, I’m going to have two guest writers. This one and one tomorrow to make up for it 😀
This post you’re about to read is my BEST in Twisted Humor. The PUNch lines are just on point..damn. I had to beg the writer to let me share it here. Pls do not be offended by the content or the length. Its purely emm…twisted humor (lol)
Ladies, Gentlemen and Weird MC likes, its @cikk0
———————————————————–

“I may be the saviour of mankind and all, but today you breathe your last. If you actually breathe that is.” And with that, he took aim, steadied and struck.

Killing the bug on his arm instantly.

It had been a particularly awful day. The heat in these parts was beyond searing. He was hungry and parched. Being without food and water for nearly six weeks could do that to anyone. Son of God or not. Having all these awkward insects and spiky leaves for company didn’t exactly help lift those spirits. He swatted again. Today, the bug-fair must be doing a major exhibition because they were certainly out in numbers, he thought.

And to think that this was just the beginning.

“Hi.” The Messiah looked up from where he was squatting to see a smiling man.

He was dressed… differently. He wore what looked to be at least four articles of clothing: from his waist to his feet, he wore long trousers but the cut was unlike anything he’d seen before. Of similar material was a kind of dress – if he could call it that – that took care of the man from the waist up. This one had two visible buttons. And then there was a very attractive rope around his neck…

Observing Christ’s inquiring stare, the man spoke again. The texture of the man’s voice was almost sonorous and quite manly at the same time. But it somehow unnerved Christ as he spoke:

“The word you’re looking for is ‘suit.’ My name is Lewis and you’re Chris aren’t you?”

“Not Chris, CHRIST. THE Christ. Chris is the overweight kid with glasses clacking away in the background for record purposes.”

“Uh.” The Tempter showed his understanding by rolling his eyes toward some nondescript corner of the bushes where he assumed the clacking was taking place.

“So you’re SURE that you’re Christ?” Lewis inquired again. Jesus could practically taste the sarcasm. This made Him angry.

“Do you have a learning impediment or something? Did I not just say that?!!”

“Chill man, chill. No need to get all grumpy on me.”

“Oh I’m sorry,” Christ started, “I forgot that going three score and four days without food or drink actually serves to lighten a man’s mood!” Lewis laughed and shook his head.

“That’s the thing,” Lewis started, “you look gaunt and hungry. I’m looking around at these little rocks…” as he said this, he gestured by opening his hands and vaguely pointing to the ground, “…and I’m thinking: If you’re THE Christ, couldn’t you feed yourself adequately by turning a few of them into, say, spaghetti?”

The question hung in the air for a second while Lewis proceeded to stare Christ down. A response wasn’t forthcoming.

“Aren’t you gonna say something?” Lewis offered.

“What the heck is spaghetti?!” came the bewildered retort.

“What year are we in?” Lewis asked as he looked at some object strapped around his left wrist, “Ooh. I’m coming from 2015. The Italians haven’t gone flour crazy here yet, have they? I forget. Okay then. Something more common. Can you turn these into … bread perhaps?”

“Uggh. Bread alone isn’t enough to sustain anyone.”

“Exactly. That’s why I suggested spaghetti! You should try it with meatballs and…”

“That’s not what I meant,” Christ interrupted. “I meant that there is a substance more filling than bread: the word of God.”

“Word of what? Sorry pal. Not my style.”

Christ caught sight of something,suddenly realized who his newest acquaintance really was and immediately went on the offensive: “Lewis, you’re Satan, aren’t you?”

“Hell no!”

“’HELL no?!’” Christ mocked, “We were talking about your identity not your address. Don’t change the subject. And I am sure you’re the devil.”

The Tempter was keen to hold on to every last shred of anonymity: “How come?”

The reply was quick: “Dude, it’s only 27 AD,”

“Yeah?”

“Well you’re wearing Prada!”

“Oh my, you must really be Jesus! Or how else could you know that I’m donning Prada?”

“The tag’s sticking out, dumbo.” As the Christ said this, he pointed to the cuff end of the Tempter’s left sleeve where a piece of plastic was peeking out. It was quickly yanked out and tossed away. The Tempter straightened up and tried to get on with his actual purpose.

“Well you’re mistaken. I’m not the devil. I’m a friend and I came here to cut you a deal. A great deal.”

“Why would I want to make a deal with you?”

“’Cuz we’re family, bro.” As the Tempter said this, he walked towards Christ and put his left arm across the other’s shoulder. At close quarters, Jesus found Lewis’ scent to be quite unnerving. His stomach voiced His disapproval.

“And how are we family?” the Christ inquired. His curiosity evidenced by the angle his eyebrows had curled into.

“Well, we’re both of Jewish descent.”

“Really? Who’s your daddy?” For some reason, Lewis chuckled audibly, and then answered:

“Same question Hitler asked me a few nights ago. Phew! COMPLETELY different circumstances though.” He rolled his eyes as he muttered: “Freaky bastard…”

“I beg your pardon…”

“Oh sorry. Got lost there. My dad’s name is Dong Choo Fa; D. C. Fa for short. Dad made me take his middle and last names.”

Christ broke the mini-embrace to inspect the man by his side and try to get some distance from that awful fragrance. “That’s a weird name for a Jew,”

“I’m adopted,” was the reply. And before Christ could get another word out, Lewis announced: “I want to show you something,” and snapped his fingers…

At once, they were at another locale. At the top of a cliff. Jesus looked down from where they stood and saw a tiny spot of red on the ground. “What’s that bit of red I’m seeing?” Jesus asked,

“Ah… let me see.” Lewis stretched his neck to look. ”That’s a small pond. Nothing major.”

“So no large water bodies beneath us then?”

“Nope. If any regular man falls, he’s toast. Well, mangled toast but toast anyway. But you’re not just anybody are you? You’re Jesus for Christ sakes!”

“Did you just hear yourself???”

“Hehe. I know. I’m on fire with the puns today. But my point is, your daddy has promised to send His trusty angels to catch you in case of a fall. You could actually… jump! Or you could follow me. You know, join me in a partnership!”

“You fool! You’re asking ME to choose between the Devil and a…” Jesus looked down again then continued, “…shallow red pond?!” Jesus blasted, “How dare you! You shall not tempt the Lord! Never! It’s not your place to do so, neither is it mine. His will is supreme and you best learn that it stays that way! Are we clear?!” Christ was fuming.

“Okay, okay. Calm down man. Take it easy!” Lewis pleaded. He paused for a second then exclaimed again: “Jesus!”

“What do you want now?” inquired Christ,

“I wasn’t calling you. I was cussing, man.” Instantly Lewis felt the ground tipping under him. He tried to steady himself but was helpless to stop from falling. To his knees at least. Bewildered, he looked at Christ and asked: “What was that?”

“Oh, didn’t you hear?” Jesus deadpanned, “Apparently, at the sound of My name, knees tend to bow and stuff. I thought you read the Bible, Lewis?”

“Only the Old Testament mate. You’re still trying to live into the new one, remember?”

In the absence of a reply, Lewis now tried to pick himself up. As he did so, music erupted from his breast pocket.

“And what’s that?”

“A telephone,” Lewis answered. “Necessary for communicating across eras.” Lewis now pulled out a small rectangular device from his celebrated Prada suit pocket. The tune was now more audible and Lewis sang along: “Suffer suffer for world (a-men), enjoy for heaven…”

“How does that work?” Inquired the Messiah.

“I talk from this end, they hear at the other. You know what? Let me put this on speaker to demonstrate. It’s probably my agent calling about another acquisition.” He now pressed a button and spoke into the device.

“Hello. Lou speaking, can I help you?” Lewis began.

“Hi,” started the voice on the other end. Jesus could hear the voice quite clearly. “My name is John. I’m calling from the Jehovah’s Witness hotline and I’m concerned about your spiritual life.”

“Heh,” Lewis began, “and what about it?”

“I’d like to know: do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ our Lord and saviour?”It was Lewis’ turn to feel ire:

“I take offence! This lanky guy? Look, I only did Hitler a couple of nights ago cuz he asked nicely, okay? Now could you sod off please?! He’s totally not my type!” He pressed another button and the device became quiet. But Jesus wasn’t. His laughter echoed everywhere.

“What’s so funny?”

“What do you think?” Jesus had tears in His eyes. Lewis looked at his wrist again.

“Hmph. I have a business meeting about now. You might as well tag along.” Again, Lewis snapped his fingers; again, the location was altered. Now, they found themselves on a major, buzzing street. It was nighttime but visibility was perfect.

“I got tricks,” bragged Lewis, “and then some,” he continued. “Look around you,”

As Christ obeyed, his eyes were met by a daunting, glorious sight: rows and rows of buildings. Tall magnificent buildings with the shiniest, most attractive flashing lights you ever saw.

“Neat.” Offered Jesus.

“More like Vegas, baby!!!” Not altogether astonishingly, Lewis deemed it an appropriate time to put his arm around Jesus’ shoulder. As before, his fragrance tormented the Messiah enough to make His stomach turn.

“You don’t say.” A wincing Jesus croaked.

“And all yours to own and to rule forever.”

“Really? And what’s the catch?”

“Well, nothing major. Just a cursory bow to me and an acknowledgement of my awesomeness. Preferably now. Or a book deal.” He paused then added, “Like the one I’m about to do now.”

“Just like that? A curtsy? A book deal? That’s all?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Well, no. I AM Jesus you know. Besides, we all are supposed to bow to my Dad and my Dad only…” the rumbling in his abdomen became worse and Christ doubled over slightly.

“Are you alright there?” Lewis asked.

“I’ll be fine as soon as you get away from me.” Christ now found Lewis’ scent completely unbearable.

“Oh don’t be so mean. Look, here comes my client. Be nice, okay?” Looking into the distance, Christ made out the frame of an approaching woman. Lewis waved her over. Once she was close enough, Christ saw she was very heavily made up. And she wore very revealing clothes. Clearly a lady of easy virtue.

“Hello Miss,” Christ greeted.

“Hi. I Am Shagger Fierce. And you?”

“Jesus.” She was taken aback for a second then shrugged and faced Lewis.

“Hey.” Lewis chimed.

“Hey.” She replied.

“Do you have my merchandise?” Lewis asked,

“You have my money?” she countered,

“Yes.”

“Alright then, yes I do have your stuff.” She handed Lewis a hardback book. Lewis looked it over, reached into his trousers and produced an envelope.

“Cheque?” she asked,

“Always. Nice doing business! Now hobble away before you get salvation on my watch!” She left hurriedly, trying to pry open the envelope as she went.

“Ah…” exhaled Lewis, “Another satisfied client.”

“What was that about?” A bemused but still very uncomfortable Jesus asked.

“Business. She sold me exclusive rights to her book.”

“What book?” Lewis showed Jesus the front of the hardback. Emblazoned in gold were the words:

MY SOUL

By

Shagger Fierce

“I can already hear her bragging to her friends: “I sold ‘My Soul’to Lou!” Isn’t that awesome?” Lewis chirped “Why don’t you want to do business bro? I’m offering everything you can see right now. Everything! It’s like the best deal ever!”

Then Lewis heard the noise from Jesus’ stomach again. This time, it was louder and Jesus was left clutching his midsection.

“Get thee behind me Satan!” Jesus groaned.

“Why?”

“Because I need to find a toilet right now!”

“Ooh, can’t argue with you there. And if that isn’t the true definition of a ‘Holy crap’ I don’t know what is! Look, I’ll be back soon. But here, take my card.” Lewis hurriedly slipped a piece of plastic into Christ’s palm. Once he was sure that Jesus had it firmly within His grasp, he turned and peeled away.

Soon, Christ straightened up; the rumbling in His stomach suddenly gone. He read the heading of the card before throwing it away:

“LOU C. FA

Deceiver, Tempter, Snake on a Tree”

Matthew 4:11; Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him.

***********IMPORTANT***************************************

1. If you caught the Beyonce reference, it’s not evidence of any views about her beliefs. I just thought it was funny to play on those words.

2. I’m just catchin’ cruise: If e pain you, too bad…

Advertisements
 
46 Comments

Posted by on August 13, 2011 in FicKtioN

 

BanKs’ AccOunT

DISCLAIMER: first of all, I am not @thetoolsman, second, this is NOT @thetoolsmans blog, third everybody chill..breathe in and out, Fourth, long comments are ok (within 100 words), textbooks, handouts and fellow blog posts should be reserved for @thetoolsman, fifth , this post isn’t about @thetoolsman…

Moving on…so why are we here? Good question…well, following the news making the rounds everywhere concerning the SCAMdal involving the erstwhile speaker of the House and seeing as everyone was quick to crucify our dearly beloved speaker, me being the angel I am, *rotates halo* decided to do some inception things and speak from the ‘horses’ mouth…neigh! I didn’t just call our ex honourable a horse!

What you are about to read is…fack it! Read anyway or abort!

*in spiffy, flawless Queen’s English*

My name is Vivian chukwurah, I’m chwenny Chree years and I’m representing Gombe state, you should vote for me because I want to project the name of our country in overseas and because I like traveling I can do this very well. my number is V15, that’s V one- five…Sh!t!!! Wrong script people…

*my bad*

Fellow Nigerians
My name is DeeTwo Banks and I was the erstwhile speaker of the House of Reps! Yeah! I just recently handed over the reigns of power, yeah?! I’m not gonna go into details of my history, except that 69 was a very good year and is a very good position…go figure you nitwits. I’m a history maker, that’s what I do, little wonder I was the youngest ever elected speaker of the house at age 37, As it seems presently too, I’m making history as the latest speaker to be caught in a web of fraud and funds mismanagement! But HOW? HOW can I, Alhaji DeeTwo Banks, the son of Alhaji Banks, Husband to Alhaja Tinu Banks be accused of such? These ingrates don’t know anything! I mean…I studied Public Finance at the prestigious Harvard University after graduating from Oxford! They are jealous of my ability to ‘manage’ public finance codedly. I tell you, my enemies are at work. Let me tell you the truth as it is!

First sha, you know all that phoneh I speak on TV and stuff, that’s for show. Allow me to get into my normal razz mode here, ehen! Correct!!!

It all started in 2007 *sigh* (picture Nollywood style flashback)

The speaker at the time, that hairdresser was involved in a serious scandal. She had made history as the first ever female speaker in this country, she allowed it get to her head…hahahaaha…Hairdresser,get to her head..Mo badt ga’an…so sha sha, based on who we be, we were allocated some money to renovate our accomodation and stuff. Can you imagine, they gave us each 4 bedroom qtrs at Apo, fully air-conditioned , fully furnished but who told them that its everybody that likes Leather chairs and sofas? So we moved a motion (I like saying this thing eh, I don’t know what it really means sha)..so we moved a motion for furniture allowance and we got it! Long story short sha, Speaker Hairdresser used only N628 million for her renovation (we were the ones that approved the motion, but we wanted to finish her, so we leaked it to the press)..so now, she was impeached and I was humbly exalted to the seat.

Since I climbed this seat, mehn its not easy o! Choi!!! There’s money in this country. As Nigeria’s number 4 citizen, doesn’t this make me Nigeria’s number 4 labourer? You know the saying about a labourer and his wages? Well that’s crap! The bible also says something about “not nozzling the Ox while its treading the corn” paraphrasing, “na where man dey work Im dey chop”..Ol’ boy as I entered my office first day! See AC! See persian rug! I lay on that rug for 2hrs first..when my secretary entered, I formed as if I was sprawled out in reverence to the Most high! My table? Sh!t…italian upholstery toh kwoliti..if I wanted, I would do my secretary there all day everyday..isn’t that what is meant by “attending to pressing issues?” (Don’t investigate this o! This isn’t E!) It was heaven on earth o! Emi D.banks, speaker?! You go fear fear nah..
.
So I set about, fitting into my role, I had to upgrade my wardrobe (bone o! Speaker and megaphone no be d same thing)..I first got a new Dolce & Gabbana Wooden Leather wardrobe imported from italy..small money..then I set about filling it up. Strictly on some native things, I got my tailor flown to abuja, bought him a house and set him to work..shey you know that its an abomination to repeat cloth twice? You don’t know? Hian ask Mr. President nah.. So idris my tailor was in work for at least 260 days every year.

Me I didn’t know that all these bad belle people had started talking o! Its all of us that were enjoying together.they wanted to put sand-sand in my garri. That’s how they woke up one day and started asking for NYSC certificate! Awón Alakoba!! Where did they want me to find that one? Oh! Because I’m young abi? Dem fit produce their own? Well thank jah for “that place in Lagos where you can get any certificate” I won’t advertise here..God pass dem..I scaled that hurdle! As a bad guy sha, I didn’t bother. I continued serving myself and my country. That’s how I travelled in 2009 and came back, next thing-ACCUSATION! “Speaker spends N52bn on travel expenses!”

See this people o! Don’t they know that the glory of the latter is GREATER than the former? I don’t get it! Madam hairdresser rocked her birthday in the UK with about N11m, me I travelled and my expenses totalled N52bn…what’s the difference? People will just be talking anyhow. Do you know what was in the list my wife gave me? Or the one my siblings did? You think travelling is beans or shopping is paid for by name? Bone! I can account for that N52bn, yeske…

FastForward to today my fellow Nigerians, here I am no longer above the law, no immunity…my house was infiltrated by policemen (these same policemen that I used to settle! Choi! Life is a female dog!) They say I resisted arrest for four hours? Na wa o..I was in the toilet when they came, afterwards, we all decided to have dinner because they couldn’t resist the aroma from the kitchen (some iyan and gbegiri things)..we then rested a while washing our mouths with White wine…tell me how this is resisting arrest? They even said I wanted to flee the country through an illegal route..I didn’t know there was road from my compound to the UK…and NO! I wasn’t going to dress like a woman, who do I look like? Denrele?
Sigh* I’m being charged with “conspiring to inflate the cost of TV’s, PC’s, Printers, photocopiers etc…shuo! When you go to the market, do you plan to go with little money or big money? I’m only being careful with the small small N100m I put on each of these items, just for safety reasons. I was going to return the change, I swear!
*Rigging the bid for bullet proof Range Rovers and 3 Benz jeeps… See ehn, I knew where we could get very strong bullet proof vehicles at good prices, u know as Rita in Koko Mansion said “in Nigeria, we do Jazz and Demons” most of the bullets nowadays have demons and jazz that can penetrate most of these vehicles, I was only trying to help..as for rigging the bid, well..isn’t rigging what brought us here? What’s new? *shrugs*

Well, just when I thought I had scaled that yam head lawyer’s accusation..LWKM, shey you know Fest kaYAMu has yam head sha, lol…just when I thought I had escaped all the charges, EFCC brought their own..which kain tin be dis naw? Which kain first class winch be dis ehn *wails* baba, who haff I offend? Baba iyabo? Who? I wasn’t even given a chance to cry and apologise like that Weiner guy in yankee, I would have done it well complete with catarrh dripping and all…

Fellow Nigerians, the end is near…guilty or not guilty? My only plea in the matter is that if I’m found guilty, I should be placed in the kind of ‘jail’ that Alhaji Mustapha is: complete with DSTV, king sized bedding and weekend meals delivered to me from home. YES!

May I live long (wetin u want make I talk before? Federal republic never live long reach?)

And oh yeah…just incase I’m incarcer…na wa for english, just incase I’m locked up abeg, pls someone hook me up with Wizkid’s album…I’m into fuji! God go make you BIGGER!

 
62 Comments

Posted by on June 22, 2011 in FicKtioN

 

EOW 101

“…although we’ve come to the end of the world, still I can’t let you go, its so natural, u belong to me, I bel…”

CRAP!!! Wrong song *insert any Enya song* maintain slow tempo *

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are watching this video now, then it is exactly 7 days (one week) to the end of the world. I have been away in solitary confinement in a place far far away (somewhere close to Abbottabad) to prepare myself for this great event. I have had to ensure that my body, soul and mind are devoid of any corruption hence you would have noticed my absence from Twitter over some days…yes, I had to spiritually purge and prepare myself. In my time away also, I have connected with ‘highly’ placed spiritual bodies that have given me first hand Insight into how to make sure you are not left behind as we approach the end of the world *inflates eyeballs.*coughs* I am here to share these with you…

First of all, if you know anyone close to you who is still NOT on Twitter as you read this, stop reading and get them to open an a/c…and of course FOLLOW ME! I am the chosen fore-runner (kinda like JTB..john the Baptist, though my handle is @KevinWithAnL). The first prerequisite for making it to heaven is having at least 12 followers like our Lord did in His time..I’m sure you all do, fine!!! I’m sorry for those on FB..my sources said something about how they don’t want ‘pokers’ in Heaven, seeing as we will all be dressed in white garments with NO undergarments.

So next, information reaching me says that what we shall hear won’t be a Trumpet per say (err..is this how its spelt? Oh fack it! This is a video recording) yeah…so what we WILL hear in 9ja will be the instrumental of Sauce Kid’s “Under G” I mean what better way to announce the event than with some Sinzu/ Don baba J beats.. But just incase Dj Angel Micky can’t get the ordered copy from Alaba on time, 2face’s “Implication” is the 2nd choice theme song for D-day (its St. Steven’s favorite song) so keep your ears to the sky as the case is..buhahaha!

For those who don’t know, May 21st is D-day, as for the time, 8pm is the unofficial time. This is because, the guys in Heaven want to be done with supper by 7pm to avoid having to cater for a mighty influx of people. The Kitchen dept have had their proposal accepted so 8pm is ‘Arice’ time…eat before that time ‘cos no dinner will be served and breakfast? What??? I hear they don’t ‘break’ their ‘fast’ there so you may wanna pack some box noodles or Agege bread. Don’t worry, there’s enough milk and honey from one certain river like that!

Before the ‘Under G’ things though, there are some necessary things you must do or undo to ensure you are ‘take-away’ able..

-Ladies if there is a guy you have been styling for who has been toasting you since he knew what the word ‘toast’ meant, this period will be a good time to allow him get some ‘action’..don’t let the verse “DO unto others as you will have them DO unto you” be used against you.

– Remember Absalom? David’s son who got stuck in a tree because of his long hair? Yes!!! Ladies, Brazilian, Peruvian, Taliban or HorseTailian hair will NOT get you there, infact, it disqualifies you automatically. So u better revert to Team Natural (ask @Ms_Dania) for some tips.. Or you could go all skin afterall, there is no male or female there….

– I know we all will want to look good on our last day on earth and some of us have started our shopping but PLEASE, whatever you wear, do NOT wear PRADA!!! Incase you don’t know, “the Devil wears Prada” so, do the math *shrugs* also anything with illuminatti insignia is a bit too cocky or heady as the case may be!

-Guys Skinny jeans!!! Seriously, MJ had enough problems getting in, Twas the moonwalk performance that granted him entry, u need to see him do it on d streets of gold, its Heavenly! Oh yeah!! So no skinnies, D’banj and @WaleGafar be warned!!!

-Bling Bling!!! For crying out loud, this is heaven for Chrissakes (hehe! How apt), we’ve got pearly gates, streets of gold, diamond banisters, and you think your $1000 necklace is anything to feel cool about? You should see Solomon’s collection. So ditch the blings ok? I’m sorry for those with platinum teeth and stuff, I’m sorry, hell awaits you.

-Also, just as it is in big companies, Govt. Agencies and institutes where connections take you far, the same applies in Heaven to…to get to Heaven, its who you know that matters! So you better follow Jesus and NO! Not the spoof a/c on Twitter. But you should follow me on Twitter being the forerunner like I said earlier.

A good verse to live by in these times is “Lay down the weight that so easily besets…” Remember that, the plan is to levitate as the ‘trumpet’ sounds, if you are too heavy (more than 80kg) this might be a problem. Now will be a good time to lose that weight. Also “narrow is the road to eternal life, wide is the path to destruction..” That’s another verse to BUTTress the fact of your weight…ehn? Do something! If you are at the Gym when the ‘trumpet’ sounds, forget it..keep lifting your weight.

So my people, these are the words I bring to you out of my place of solitude and deep meditation…Hearken to them or face earthly damnation…oh yeah! Less I forget..the following types of people on Twitter will not make it so don’t bother…

-if you’ve ever said KSB is a good musician
-if you RT @Tundeednut’s joke attempts and add LWKMD
-if you’ve told @odinabarbie she looks like heaven
-if you partake in the daily display of high level display of displayed mumuism displayed daily by one who calls him/herself @TweetOracle, then forgerrit! U will never make it! Not ever!! NEVER!!!
-if Im following you and you are NOT following back, how on EARTH do you expect to make HEAVEN?
-lastly, if u watch BBA…it is clear you don’t wanna miss a moment. You are granted freedom to stay. Heaven is not for you.

That will be all my people. I have recorded this and sent out via internet, pls share with your family and friends. The end has come. It has been fun knowing you. See you naked as we rise. Its your boy…

*play Kumbaya here*

 
78 Comments

Posted by on May 14, 2011 in FicKtioN

 

The Conspira’SEA’

Yes! Yes! I know what I said about my next post being serious but I just couldn’t resist the urge to do this..let’s call this a ‘Pre serious Post interlude’ shall we? Ok, thanks *jumping*
Well, its no longer news that O.B.L(herein referred to as Sammy) is dead, it’ll be news though if you get your news from NTA or The Sun newspaper (Nigerian version). You will hear about it tomorrow. But if u are reading this, then u know already! So how did this happen? I mean here’s a man who has been hunted down for 10 years and then all of a sudden, he is killed on May 1st (workers day) when he was probably resting after a long day ‘at work’.
Its not fair..yes! Its not, why did they wait for a public holiday? Ehn! What? Its not a public holiday in jand? Abegii…anyways sha, the man with the most popular beard in history is now dead.(Who are we bearded people gonna emulate now that beard are in fashion…ah well, Fally Ipupa still dey)
So, What went wrong? Well, information reaching me points to two theories..
#Theory 1: after discovering that he wasn’t invited for the Royal wedding on friday, Osama logged into Twitter and began to rant using the handle @Queen_UK as a decoy. Unfortunately for him, he forgot to turn off his location!
#Theory 2: while looking for a next target, Osama’s son comes into the room and says “dad, foursquare is gradually becoming a large gathering of people! U should consider it as a target”…and so uncle Sammy logs into foursquare (not knowing his son was referring to the church) and before you know it, the CIA gets a pop up notification..”Sam (his codename) is at Abottabad”…
Without wasting time, President Oby was contacted, he was busy with Michellin as they were having their usual “oh-bama, what’s my name” sessions..he gave the go ahead and asked Jack Bauer to be briefed.
Jack and Chuck Norris were summoned and the rest is history..they took out ALL the terrorists and then shot sammy in the head.
Reports say that Sammy was engaged in Call of Duty, BLACK OPS when the 2 men stormed the mansion. He thought it was virtual reality so he didn’t pay it much attention! It was when his young wife asked for Jack Bauer’s autograph that he got jealous and grabbed his rifle!
So now, CNN breaks the news, Uncle Barry gives a speech, Americans are jubilant. Michellin is mad horny, Donald is looking for new accusations to ‘trump’ up, Nigerians are happy that there’s sth better to tweet/talk about rather than Karen’s future falling of our hand in the BBA house! But wait a minute! Now we are told that sammy has been sent to a water bed?
Why?
Why give someone who brought pain to many such comfort? I mean, most of the 9/11 victims were buried in rubble and sammy gets a water bed?! WTF!!! Now him and his 70 male virgins can have water bed sex which is a fantasy for most of us..sorry..most of you (without d male virgins sha)! Yes! This is a conspira’sea’..I mean I’m at sea as to why he wasn’t just burnt or killed again…yes o! I’m heartless like that!
They say Hitler died on May 1, Sammy too May 1..my conclusion? The evil that men do catches up with them on may 1..abeg when did Habacha die again? America has so many secrets, we would never know the true story of 1/5/11…haha! Here’s another conspiracy, I just thot this one up o, so gimme d credit (Etisalat preferrably)

Using BoredMaths
1/5/11 = (1+5)/11 = 6/11…turn the 6 around = 9/11 …yay!!! All that twitter maths, I knew it was for something!

So is sammy dead or not? We might never know, except Kanye stumbles on some top secret ish or Chloe O’brien can be forced to talk (but we all know she’s in love with jack so..shrugs)…ah well, the bottomline is Barry shall get re-elected after such a feat, Donald’s ambitions are trumpcated…we are going to need a new world villain..oh no need sef! The world ends in 19days, then d antichrist shall come, yeah he’s d one! *exhales* like I tweeted “some said when Arsenal beats ManU and Osama is caught, then d world is surely ending”…emmm…need more proof? Scared yet?
Till my serious post comes, which is soon..its Your Bwoi…

*continues playing Call of duty with Mutallab*

 
44 Comments

Posted by on May 2, 2011 in FicKtioN

 

Fellow 9Ggerians..

“Tum tum tum tumunununnunun”..”Parara ra ra ra RAAA…” *insert National Anthem jor* while screen shows picture of flag..that same flag since 1990…Anthem ends, frame switches to man sitting on chair…CUT!!!!
“Oh! Can’t u see that his hat is not sitting well on his head?” Hian! Oga pls keep your head straight and look directly at the camera!”
“Young man, uneasy lies the head that wears this hat o! And I thot u said I should read from the teleprompting something?”…
Ok, take 2! Action!!!
*national anthem plays, flag flies*

“Fellow Nigerians..”
It is with joy in my heart and deep gratitude that I address you today. Our country has just successfully gone to the polls and for once in our history, we can boast of having a free and fair election..*whispers* ol’boy I’m not feeling dis tele thing..imma just freestyle up in here, Obama style ayt?”
Ehen! My fellow Nigerians, we went to the polls and some of you still didn’t vote for me! I don’t understand o! Are u people alright? Do u know how much I spent daily on the campaign? Millions o! I have requested for all the ballot papers and I will track down all of u, I will show u in this country..some of u sef, collected our bag of rice, our aso-ebi, even the 5k for vote and u didn’t still press ur hand for me…imagine the wayo! That’s corruption! I don’t just understand! Go and thank your stars that I still won o if not, I swear the phrase “johnny just come” will have a dangerous meaning!

Anyway sha, I’ll like to thank some people who made this election a success: I want to thank my ‘name’sake..prof GEJA for conducting an organised election. Everything went according to the script! My wife who smartly increased my popularity among the women and youth. If there is anything she has taught me, it is PATIENCE! U cannot imagine how my life is daily..I pay my wife 2b quiet and anytime I travel and I’m not around, she will open her mouth and add a new word to d dictionary. She has taught me LONGSUFFERING. In bed, we don’t have pillow talk o! Pillow talk ke? Her words “kill me softly but surely.” That part of the bible “I die daily” was written bcos of me *sobs* and u people will be bombarding me with problems everyday. U don’t know what I’m facing *sigh, sniffs*
Let me thank D’banj for being a great help..oga u’re the koko juh, that interview was Toh bad..haha! I liked ur sweggs mehn.. Nothing do you. You know I told you to nod if you didn’t understand anything? Ur nodding throughout showed that I really put you on a ‘long thing’ haha! See as I’m using all d slangs and then people will think I’m not endowed..filê juh!!!

Fellow 9jas (screw ‘Daro’) I got a letter from one @Kevinwithanl and I shall attend 2d issues raised. (If u didn’t read the letter, read the previous post)..He raised d issue of power and generators..Me sef I am tired of NEPA. Here in Aso Rock, we have light 24/7 its annoying! You ask the butler to get u a drink and they are all frozen, we have to bring soup out of the fridge 2days before so it can defrost and patty (my pet name for d firstlady) isn’t so patient… The AC’s are always refilled with gas cos they are on all day and night..I’m tired of all the light. My aides are angry cos we don’t buy diesel often and they don’t see small small ‘change’ to pocket! Even my kids are compaining because there’s always something to watch on TV. If there was no light, they would be sleeping. I promise to look into the problem and ask NEPA abi PHCN to take light more…for bringing d price of generators down, don’t worry we will eradicate the “I better pass my neighbour” by removing it fm d mkt..only Mikano plants will be allowed. That way all neighbours shall be equal..its either you are rich and can afford Mikano or u rest! By doing this, a lot of you will sleep better without the noise of generators!! Thank you!

On the issue of MTN , hold on let me make a call *engaged dial tone* hmm..let me call customer care *music playing* Ehn ehn! So this is what they do? So u mean you can’t send naked pictures? Wow! That’s bad o! But I suggest NIPOST, at least you know your pics will arrive and if MTN is doing anyhow, just get a NITEL line..I assure you, your calls will always connect, the network isn’t jammed and customer care? As they have few customers, they will be happy to get your call, sometimes sef, they will call you! We can’t send MTN away o, ah! Do you know how many yellow polo shirts they give me? Abeg o..

Sports and entertainment…those boys that call themself Super Eagles, they are just a disgrace..me too I am tired. I’ve asked The president of NIGER republic to come and buy them, he’s pricing $2000 , I told him $3500. Let’s be watching sha but $3400 is my last price jalé….for the local league, as long as its Egbon Mike Adenuga that is sponsoring it, na dem sabi..I can’t be bothered by that!
The writer @kevinwithanl mentioned something called ‘kush’..I was confused o..it was the VP’s nephew that told me Kush is ‘igbo’ ..I laughed (what a ‘cushioning’ name) so I liked d suggestion of packaging it and increasing the price. Someone told me that the child ‘Wizky’ smoked it and then decided to leave school and pursue ‘greener pastures’ LWKM..ok! I agree to do as kelvin asked. We shall package kush, issue NAFDAC number and sell it at shoprite wt a price of #3000 for a wrap..

So my people, thanx again for the next 4yrs. I shall enjoy it to the fullest, I promise you. I shall not be a weist. I will include youth in my cabinet PS ‘youth’ is the coded name for palm wine..and for those that don’t like my face, Ntoi!! Yimu!! If its paining u, volunteer yourself as Suya…

God bless the federal Republic

*man screams from background, “Sir, I just let u finish, but Fash will be d greatest President we shall have*

This post was done as a follow up to my last. Apparently, my dad read it and said “you should write the president’s reply”..so this one is for you dad! Err..please don’t come here again, stick with the newspaper version eh? Thanx man, and now that I’ve granted your request, u might wanna consider Atlanta again…

 
27 Comments

Posted by on April 23, 2011 in FicKtioN