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Category Archives: Life

EncorE

“To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under Heaven,
a time to be born, and a time to die,
a time to plant, and a time to pluck that which was planted…
a time to tear, and a time to sew,
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak…”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-7 (The Maxwell’s leadership bible)

The story you are about to read is Based on a True story (yes leave it like that). It is still a true story. I have shared this story with just one person of recent and summarized it briefly to about a gathering of 11. Today, however, for the sake of posterity, I shall share it here on my blog.

The date was October 3rd 2003.

That was all I remembered.

Rewinding back a bit, I’m back in UNIBEN and had just finished from my routine dance rehearsals with FLAMES. I couldn’t rehearse properly because I was feeling feverish and so I left for my room located off campus (osasogie for those who know Uniben). The next day was a Saturday and still having signs of the fever, I proceeded to my friend’s house in town for proper medical care seeing as they are all doctors in the house. As God will have it, I got to the gate of the house, pressed the bell and slumped.

Everything written from this point is as I was told.

I was found on the floor foaming from the mouth and was rushed to the University of Benin Teaching Hospital (UBTH). I spent 8 days in the hospital with my family by my side and all this while, I was connected to an oxygen ‘machine’ (actually, a gas cylinder with a pipe leading to my nose/mouth). I couldn’t recognize anyone. My mum daily reading bible passages to me. She never left my side. And on the 7th day, it happened. All vital signs ceased. I was wheeled into the emergency ward and 2 hours later certified dead. Yup. D-E-A-D!. My dad was called to the doctor’s office and told this news, he wept like a baby but had to man up and tell my mum, my elder brother and sister as well as my kid sis. As I type this now, I realize how hard this must have been for him and I’m shaking all over, Tears are actually forming in my eyes. My mum screamed and wailed “No! NO! NOOOO!!!”
Meanwhile, I was put in a body bag enroute the morgue. My brother (steveHarris) told me later on that he requested to see me and he and my elder sister came to where I lay lifeless and cried their eyes out while muttering short prayers. That same day, the Union of Doctors embarked on a nationwide strike and being a federal hospital, UBTH had to join in. a circular was released to the effect of families coming to relocate their loved ones to other hospitals. My parents had to move their son in a body bag back to Lagos for burial.

8 hours after, the death certificate was prepared. (I should take a picture of it someday). The room where I lay was open. A nurse was passing by and then she let out a loud scream. The body bag was moving! My folks ran in and there I was gasping for air..i was immediately put back on oxygen and the emotions all around were better experienced, unfortunately, I missed out and as such can’t explain it here explicitly. This oxygen contained in a small gas cylinder was going to last just a short while and all doctors were on strike. (only student doctors-in-training were present) I had to be moved to lagos asap. Long story short, I was arranged to be transferred to Havana hospital and getting to berger in Lagos, the oxygen finished. Yup. I died again. No breathing, no nothing. I was in the back seat lying between my mum and a student doctor (my fellowship pastor) who had accompanied us at the risk of losing his medical status if anything went wrong. With major traffic at Berger, we got to Havana specialist hospital after about 45mins. I was told that I opened my eyes as we got to the entrance of the hospital. Another miracle, right? I stayed at Havana for 3 months. Actually, I was in a coma for 3 months and all that time, my mum and family never left my side. (well, my lil sis had to go write GCE sha 😀 )

After all was said and done, I was diagnosed as having “Viral Encephalitis” (my knowledge of medicine is lame so..¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯ ) but it has to do with inflammation of the brain and causes memory loss etc (I couldn’t recognize people after treatment so I had my friend go everywhere with me in school to avoid ‘that awkward moment when someone says, “Kelvin, whats up?” And I’m like “do I know you?”)
I was also taught to walk again because I was bed ridden for 3 months. Dammit my leg muscles were dead. I have a scar on the right part of my head, where my skull was drilled to access some liquid in my spine or something. At the point of discharge, we were told some sad news.

“those who survive Viral encephalitis are prone to some form of permanent disability. Blindness, deafness, or body paralysis”..well not my portion and definitely not me. Nothing of that sort happened to me but then again, that must have been how I lost my mind.. 😀

Now, to the essence of this post.

I Thank God for keeping me and no one needed to tell me to give my life to Him afterall, He had proven that whatever is kept in His hands, He’s able to keep. Yes, like Mr Virgin ‘toxic’. I’m proudly Team Jesus all the way. Now, that ‘death experience’ made me better. Gave me more reason to live. For there to be life, there has to be death. Where am I going with this?

I’m quitting this blog.

I’m not closing it down like I wanted to but I’m officially off till whenever..(I started blogging when I read NaijaFineboy’s blog. Though he doesn’t blog again, he didn’t close it)…you can view it here , so there’s the possibility someone might read this someday and be inspired.

Here’s my reason though: there are so many blogs out there and we can’t deny that quality has become questionable. Content is drab and we now have nothing to write on but Twitter and about people on twitter. To a large extent, I KNOW that I contributed to this phenom and I’m not in any way pleased about it. Allowing my personal life on there was a big lesson (which I’ve learnt) and even the “In the NEWS” section of my blog still contains IMO low content and quality. I know I’m better than this. I would rather associate myself with good writers under one blog (like Afrosays or The Naked Convos) rather than churn out stuff not ‘tight’ enough. This is a time to better myself, sit at the feet of the masters and learn.

You may wonder how quitting my blog will aid or stop this. Well it may not, heck! No one will even notice BUT I will always feel good knowing I wasn’t part of the problem but among those who sought a solution, and what better way to spew better posts than bettering oneself?

I do hope to feature on blogs as Guest whenever I’m invited. (invite me please) I must apologise to all those who may frown at this decision but I plead that you allow me do this for me. For those who have sent me posts for ‘Sunday Guest’, I’m so sorry. I can forward them to any blogger friends of mine if you desire..*sigh*™

Ah well, this is my swan song. Hopefully, others who are ‘contaminating’ Blogsville will realize their folly and take a cue. While everyone is entitled to write whatever, do so with creativity, writing skill, love and respect. But even if they don’t, those with quality blogs will yet again shine through.

I ‘resurrected’ after three months back then in 2003 and came back better, it could happen again.

And oh! This doesn’t make me the ‘sacrificial lamb’ oh. I’m definitely not trying to be a martyr (is that spelt right?) Or ‘die’ for anyone’s ‘sins’..I’m just doing what my heart and head tell me to do now.

“…except a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone: but if it dies, it produces much grain…” John 12:24

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102 Comments

Posted by on September 11, 2011 in Life

 

RuLeS oF enGagEmenT

*Beats by Dare blaring mad sounds as this author jerks off…Lyrics playing “…My left hand weak, I put the right in”* Lord, my readers are such pervs! What were you thinking? Jerking off? Left hand? Father purge them.

Welcome guys, Men, I can’t begin to tell you how busy I’ve been/being (sideeye @ Olatoxic). I can’t claim to have writer’s block like Larry Sushey or that terror Terdoh, nah..more like writer’s burn-out, what with the recent features on @bule_jr’s “date days” and Afrosays “Decades” coupled with my weekly newspaper writing schedule and all, men I felt like a slacked pant. And so I took a lil’ break from Twitter and Blogsville for a bit. But I’m BACK! 😀 No applause? Ok, straight to why we are here.

Today guys, we are just gonna talk about the Do’s and Don’ts of Twitter Fights, Twitter Scandals And Voltronism. I was literally rolling during the last Twitter brouhaha featuring Dammiesmalls and her ‘(w)horde’. Having been in the eye of the storm myself, I just thought I’d share these with ya!

TWITTER FIGHT RULES.
1.If you’re both girls and you decide to share stories of your conquests and stupidity, please include names and handles. Whoever mentions names wins.
2.Make sure your avatar is worth looking at (after we get handles of fighters, we ALWAYS check out your picture).
3.Ensure that your spellings are correct and you don’t abbreviate. If you write like a retard, we just conclude that you are. Stuff like “yur jez a feckin gehl, I kent be ngagin yu” No! NO!!!
4.Have solid, original punch lines (things like “your brideprice is one expired sperm, you look like menstruation blood etc :D) Thank you Asabzy!
5.Do NOT delete your account afterwards. (That just makes ‘courage the cowardly dog’ more courageous than you are b!tch)
6.Aunties, if you can back up your tweets with pictures, we will definitely ‘dey your back’
7.For guys, the more intellectual your punches are, the better. (don’t tell us the size of your schlung. We don’t care)
8.Guys, it’s a chicken move to bring family members into your fights. Face the person mano-a-mano. Don’t insult their family
9.Never, NEVER google insults. NEVER!!! *tears shirt and enters sackcloth aka bag of rice*
10.Sometimes, silence does wonders! But not when you started it o!

Moving on, so I was BBming with my boy, @FreshPrinzVick and he had some things to say in addition to these, especially for the broads who are either into aristoism or are sidechics and find themselves in these fights, here are some useful points you should note:
*points in parenthesis are mine*

1.If u must shag anyone and his father, make sure they are both filthy rich. Two generation of wealthy sperm is definitely #winning. (make sure you brag about it. Add it to your Twitter bio, handle and professional CV sef).
2.Keep your medical history to yourself. Even if the V.D sounds like it should be on a breakfast menu. It can and will be used against you when the time is right. (Or when your yansh is being opened *literally)
3.If you’re a side chick or used to be one, NEVER make random discriminatory remarks about other side chicks EVEN if they try to steal your man. #Hypocrisy is a privilege granted only to S.U’s (go figure!)
4.Lastly but MOST importantly, have NO friends! You don’t want to be involved in every catfight. This is bad for business and your true value (per night) might be revealed. (you think Odina has friends?)

Thanks Vic. Incase you’re wondering how Vic knows all these, emm…he ‘was’ an Ex-whore. Oh! He blogs too at http://www.freshprinz.wordpress.com (Nigguh, u gon’ pay for this)

TWITTER SCANDALS
Unlike Twitter fights, these do not necessarily involve back and forth confrontation, But a situation where the ‘whole Twitter’ gets on your gist and you are the recipient of several subs, direct insults etc. Emmm, who can I use as example now *thinking deeply* Oh yeah! do you guys remember that chic that wrote a blogpost about her boyfriend #withAnL? You do, yeah? You don’t? ahn ahn…The one with the Ugwu leaves naw? Aha! You remember now abi? E-diots! Well, that right there was a Twitter scandal of epic proportions. Another example was the ‘somti’ issue and then the case of the leaked underwear picture 😀 Lets learn some lessons from these shall we?

1.Like Twitter fights, ensure your AVATAR is worth looking at. This is the first thing that would be checked out (good thing the Siren chic in the #withanL issue was worth looking at, if not…*sign of the cross* the guy has a big nose but I’m sure big is his default size so ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯ )
2.Do NOT try to defend yourself. It’s Twitter. We don’t want an explanation. We want the entertainment.
3.When in the spotlight, your ‘friends’ are revealed. Most will even join and yab you sef. The true ones stay true but for the snakes, (pray that their time comes too and when it does, rub the pepper in well!)
4.Make light humor out of it all. If you can laugh at yourself, the subs and/or hits won’t hurt that bad (but no lie sha, e can pain!!)
5.If you decide to engage your ‘attackers’, ensure you have the intellectual depth to do so. Be witty and smart or just shut the hell up! (Also ensure your battery is full and you have good network reception)
6.That is NOT the time to tweet stuff totally unrelated to the subject.

VOLTRONISM
There are people who will naturally come to your aid whenever sh!t hits the fan. Your team, Your ride-or-die ohon nigguhs. In Twit-lingo, we call them Voltrons. There are some rules regarding voltronism as well. We shall use the most recent fight as case study

1.The AVATAR. This point cannot be over emphasized. Did you see what became of Mr P? Did you see how quick the tables turned on him? Dude was having fun RT’ing and stuff but he ignored the number 1 rule: “Ensure that you have an avatar worth looking at.” If you don’t, remain an egg, don’t use your picture and just hush up!
2.Do not Bite more than you can chew especially if you already have a mouthful…emm, pun NOT intended 😀
3.Do not make an ASS of yourself in the voltronic process..neigh!….pun NOT intended again. 😀
4.If a spoof picture is made of/for you, do NOT use it as your avatar in an attempt to ‘laugh at yourself, it makes you look retarded!
5.Make sure the person you’re forming Voltron for knows who you are. (otherwise, we will enter you next)
6.Except you have some certain kinda levels on Twitter eg u’re a Twitter Celeb, god, Lord etc, do NOT brag about being anyone’s voltron. Most times, all you will get is a seat or Maltina.
7.The most respected Voltrons show their face in their avatars. Dem no dey fear. If u’re hiding behind pictures and stuff, you are just a puny ass coward…You ain’t no Voltron, you is a…*sigh* calm down kelvin, deep breath..

In all of this, sha remember that what goes around comes around. Let Us pray:

“Father, I pray for all that have read this post, I pray that you bless them with wisdom. I pray for all of them that subbed me and insulted me during my own time in the spotlight. Father do their own for them, make them bigger. Give them a scandal. Lord as they have laughed at others, give us reason to laugh at them afterall, your word says we should laugh with those that laugh. Let us be awake when their matter arises, let our network be good. For those seeking followers, father give them a battle-a fight, let them trend as I did. Let them feel what Mr P felt, let them feel how wande coal felt. We know its not a long thing for you to do. Thank u Lord…and the people say…

*crickets*

Ok o, emm..i’ve gotta go. Till I come your way whenever I do, its your boy. Any further advice on these issues, feel free to share. And yeah, a free BB battery for the first to comment! 😀

 
97 Comments

Posted by on August 17, 2011 in Life

 

WinNinG

3:05am Saturday, July 16th 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen on Twitter who ought to be sleeping but are not, probably because of these awards, No light hence major discomfort, have no beds cos you’ve been out clubbing or for whatever reason…The award for Most Humorous Blog goes to…

@naijablogawards: The Most Humourous Blog is KevinWithanL’s My Scroll…You Scroll… Visit http://ow.ly/5FRKY

*applause applause applause*

*Winning ‘Team’ song plays* kpakorokpa kpakorokpa kpomkpom kporokpotom…Baby Sawaleh..

Walks up stage with #WithAnL fami_y and #TeamSawaleh

Wow! What a night this has been for me, I mean 8 hours ago, I was stuck in Oshodi Traffic..it wasn’t funny mehn.. who woulda ‘thunk’ that hours later I’ll be here receiving this award for Most Humorous Blog…lol
But anyways thanks are in order *clears throat* wait Mrs Organiser, amn’t I supposed to have like some plaque to hold while I make this speech? Why am I just clutching my kpalasa Curve 2? At least, give me a Bold 4 or sumn..

Ah well, first of all like everyone does (even though they sure as hell don’t mean it), I’ll like to thank God for being there for me (looks up at ceiling), then I wanna thank the lady who drove me to blogsville after breaking my heart in August, I also wanna thank ‘Barbie’ for giving me lotsa tales to write about in them early days while I was chasing her (yeah I didn’t get her) , mehn shit wasn’t even funny then! (Read Experience, Twitterave and older posts) Its weird how I’ve gone from ‘heart ranter’ to funny…

I shoulda prepared a list but you know how it can pain when you go through your pocket days from now and see that list and realise “kai! I didn’t win sha”..yeah..e can pain!
So I’m just doing this freestyle like Wizkid on the ‘Tease Me’ song..roit!

I wanna thank etisalat, MTN, glo and airtel for allowing people have access to the internet during the nomination n voting period..I know MTN guys didn’t find it easy but mehn 3K BIS cannot waste o!
ShoutOut to all the browsing cheat users, if not for your cheats, some opera mini fans would have dulled. All My SnapTu people, thank you..
Same goes to my yahoo yahoo boys with multiple e-mail addresses (I DON’T know you o) but weldone and I hail!

Shout Out to all my Twitter people who voted, mehn, couldn’t have done this without you, all those who RT’ed, nominated and subsequently cast their vote! Like Nigeria to the IMF, I’m in your debt…emm..when 9ja clears its debt, I’ll consider paying mine too 😀
My BlogFam..you guys are definitely the best, taking out time to ‘advertise’ the voting links and categories on yours…all those who kept my blog rolling with their guest articles; Bee, Slevin and Bule..thanks…grateful doesn’t quite cut it! Bless your hearts

To fellow nominees, I woulda loved to say ‘I feel u’ but I don’t! Ha! In your face suckers!!! *dougies* Just kidding lol…without you, there’s no me! Haha! #winning!!! Kelvin behave!! God go make you bigger? No? Keep doing you jare..Y’all rock #NoRolling

And Lastly, those who hate, emmm…yes I didn’t get any cash award (damn!) Neither did I get a new BB (this is a coded plea) but in the immortal words of Nas “you wanna hate me, then hate me, what can I do?” Quit hating and famz while opportunity _asts #WithanL! Oh and thanks for making #WithanL become a world trending brand!

Is this the part where I tell y’all that I promise to do better and churn out more nice stuff? Well emmm..I pray o! Cos my laziness these days can only be matched by D’prince reciting nursery rhymes in place of a thought up verse! But I’ll try sha

So Dear Organisers, im’ma stop here but allow me sha, HOW ON EARTH DID @thetoolsman NOT WIN ANYTHING?

Keep it coming bruv…To me and plenty others, you ARE our BLOGGER OF THE YEAR!

Comments/Answers/Theories anyone?

*#TeamSawaleh out..kpakorokpa kpakorokpa*

 
53 Comments

Posted by on July 16, 2011 in Life

 

BroKe BlokeS

Hey Guys, its been a minute…yeah, thing is I’m neckdeep in my certification exams this month and its crayzee. Its not beans trying to balance all that I have on my plate at the moment. Please bear with me. I couldn’t stay away totally though for the love of y’all, so I’ve contacted a couple of blogger friends of mine who will keep the blog rolling in my ‘absence’ I hope you find them as interesting as I do. Today we shall enjoy from one of my ladies. She’s @MsCantFindAname on Twitter…

Oh! By the way, nominations for the Nigerian Blog awards are on going. Pls visit http://www.nigerianblogawards.com/register.php and nominate me using the blog address https://kevinwithanl.wordpress.com/ Don’t forget to also nominate your other favorite bloggers in other categories as well…(Yeah, I’m nice like that)
——————————————————–

Hello folks. The name is Bee. When Kelvin told me he’d been considering me guest-writing on his blog, I wondered if there was anything wrong with him. I mean we all know him as that dude with one or two bolts out of place but to leave me in charge of his audience for a day, even my mother would question that decision. But hey, it’s been finalised, he can’t back-track now. Besides, who wouldn’t jump at the chance? I feel honoured to be here, at the service of you beautiful folks, and the not-so-beautiful ones too.all join!! So here goes.

Money they say is the root of all evil. I say money is.umm.actually I have no deep philosophical adage to coin here besides that without money, you are pretty screwed mate! Money is good. I love money, you should too. There’s no greater feeling than walking into a mall and just picking items off the railings without looking at the price tag. I mean, forget that you are broke for a second and just picture it. I trust my naija peepz – oppression galore.

Only people destined to be broke throughout their lifetime say such dumb things as ‘money is not everything’. I for one can never date a broke guy in my life.ever again. Oh yes, I’ve done it before. The old tale of love. The Jack and Jill syndrome. But Jack and Jill though? Did those two date? They weren’t siblings were they? They could have been you know. Hmm.some incestual goings-on in that nursery rhyme none of us ever noticed. You see, you learn everyday.You are welcome!

Moving on.

What I’ve noticed is that a lot of broke guys swear by MI’s One Naira. Some have gone as far as making the ‘.whether na one naira, whether na one million, baby you got me’ line their anthem. That’s how you know the ones that won’t be going far in life. One million though? Is that all you aspire to? In naira again, can you imagine? Four thousand pounds pere! That won’t make me milk in my panties honey! You gotta aim higher mehn. You gotta famz with USD, GBP, JPY – although they all sound like abbreviations of venereal diseases but these letters rule the world. Tell me, how do you expect people to take you serious when you’ve never seen dollars before? And err.no, $1 notes don’t apply here!

Yes, I’d never in my life date a broke guy ever again. If you are asking me out, I need your account statements for the past 3 months to shortlist your application before even going though the rigorous accent screening. I may be coming across as a bitch but giving a fxck is the least of my priorities right now. Seriously, there’s gotta be a law which requires broke men to never live among the regular lot. If you’re approaching a lady, respect yourself and deal within your means. If you approach a Bose or Chinwe, chances are you’d get an easy ride. But Beckys and Debbies? Even you gotta pay just to form association with those names. Bose/Chinwe can ask you credit for her Alcatel OT222 but Debbie has to know that the iPad2 is one of your least expensive toys at the moment. Bose may be cool with your ‘o samo’ lingo but if you as much as omit the words ‘finna’ and ‘innit’ from your vocabulary in your wooing speech to Becky, just terminate yourself. No chance in hell bro!

What I find so laughable is when people compare suitors to one’s father. Just because I asked that he be driving at the least, a 2009 model of any car, reside in a house which has a minimum of three bedrooms, preferably in the SW London area, a very healthy account balance and a Royal Bank of Scotland ‘Black Card’ credit card and I’ve been deemed a gold digger. ‘Is he your father?’ I hear them ask. But my father’s not trying to get in my pants, is he? Well, I can assure you he’s not. If that makes me a gold digger, then yeah lemme dig away. I’d rather you tell me you’re cheating on me after an expensive 3-course meal at The Savoy or that’s it over after my three-week trip through the Swiss Alps. Tell me you don’t love me anymore after you’ve signed that car to my name and I won’t even as much as flinch. Have a good life, I’d tell you. But that I’d hop on these grimy London buses with you, put up with numerous McDonald’s dates, most of which you paid for with vouchers, be stricken down with Pneumonia because you couldn’t afford heating in your tiny studio apartment in Kidbrooke and then be dumped for something that looks like what even Amadioha would reject as sacrifice, is stupid on my part. Never again. Thank you very much Ade!

You men gotta wake up and smell the coffee. We women love money. Don’t mention love, it’s got nothing to do with this. Thank you Tina Turner. We love spending. We love rubbing it in our friends’ faces when we get something we know they’d love to behold. Don’t come at me if you know you can’t live up to my expectations. Some call them unrealistic, I tell them to go find a cow in heat and make it happy. I’m a girl that takes pride in her appearance. My grooming bills are high but hey, these firm butts don’t come cheap. You’d like to squeeze them, right? Grope the righteousness out of them innit? Same way I feel about that bulge in your trousers. Go on, take it out, let’s have a look.the wallet, not the.ermm.tool!

I cannot work hard to look this good and you’ll just come and reap the benefits and walk away with your oblong head intact.no way Jose! You say you want a woman that looks good but you don’t want to pay for sh*t – any chance you might be high? As Yoruba people say, ‘obe to dun, owo lo pa’. Translation – a thick delicious soup has dollar signs swimming in it. You want something good, you gotta pay for it. No Pay, No Lay. I know that sounds like the service policy of a registered ‘adult-leisure’ company but really though, can you enjoy an excellent ‘service’ in good conscience knowing that you never ‘enhanced’ it in any way? You can? Really? Selfish git!

Broke guys? I laugh in Swahili at those two words. Some of them are brave though, as in you just gotta respect their hustle. Only a brave broke guy will make an elaborate effort to hide his empty-wallet condition by attempting to make you dinner at home so he doesn’t have to take you out to a paid one. He serves you what he calls ‘Le Garria la Vivre’ which you find has a very distinct flavour. He tells you not to worry, it’s an acquired taste, he says. A closer inspection of the dish and you realise the buffoon just served you a 4-day old eba, garnished poorly. Garria though?? Kunle, I curse you every time I remember this incident. May you never again experience the joy of morning wood.

I did not come here to laden my sob stories on you. Rather, I want to educate my fellow boob-carriers in the house. Girls, forget love, it doesn’t do sh*t. Your honey pot is your power house. With that, you can compel even the world’s most powerful to bend to your wishes. But gawk not, not every girl has that golden triangle that can disengage a man’s brain from the rest of his anatomy. That’s achievable though, but that’s one for another time.

It’s been lovely infiltrating your cranial box for the past couple of minutes. Again, you’re welcome. See you soon! Signing out.peace!!

 
76 Comments

Posted by on June 11, 2011 in Life

 

Bye-LinE

Ok, this is the last of the ‘Seriousness’ ahn ahn “why so serious?”…here’s something sent to me as a result of the pain and hurt felt by one of us as she read the previous pieces.

By @ThelmaTweets

Why do we girls equate an orgasm with feelings? Why cant we just do it for the high of it like the boys? Wouldn’t that be swell? Lemme tell u some stories.

Cool headed Frank was flirting with Nike and heating things up on twitter and bbm. They were compatible and Nike thought she’d found that special person that made her feel sweet -soul mates! But oh! that was before the AY Show and the 2 rounds of sex right after that and the ominous silence that followed thereafter.
Same could not be said about Tessy, who had been dating Chijoke since their 3rd year in the University and they had a beautiful Non-Sexual-Relationship aiming at an altar-bound future…well, that was before they joined Twitter where some girls asked Chi for a meet and greet. In no time, Chi asked Tess to close her twitter account, but he didn’t know Frank (referred to above). Frank, who sends strictly DM’s to Tess and does not tweet @ her. Frank had surreptitiously given her more attention than Chijoke had and even opened her mind to sexual possibilities. Frank, eventually frankly penetrated and moved on.
But here I am! With Frank! Who does not tweet @ me because everything we do is between Yahoo messenger and DM’s. He says he loves our convo and when I asked why, he said he wants to put it on me! So, right now, Frank imagines doing naughty things to my body while Tessy cries to me on bbm on how to revive what she had with Chijoke and how Frank ‘soiled’ her but Frank is unaware of the salient fact that I know and cry with Tessy some nights….

I may have changed the names but these are true stories. As girls, we need to realize and embrace the fact that while attraction translates to feelings for us, it only leads to sex for dudes. SEX- its their Testosterone, has got nothing to do with logic or reasoning.
There’s this huge line between Sex and Love. Those stories were shared so as to help us make less mistakes. Mistakes we may never recover from. Yes, I know that it takes a lot of observation to know if the guy wants sex or wants you as a whole, so, always ask what the objective of the liaison is. Even when he says love, remember, it is far easier for a guy to suppress his feelings…so, don’t go falling unnecessarily as you may never know his real intention.

The single thread shared by Tessy, Ify and Nike is not that they have been used and dumped, they have been lied to, heartbroken and now trying to pick back the pieces of their lives but they will never remain the same! They are speaking out to help us, warn our sisters, friends and loved ones to exercise just a little caution, a little reasoning and to know that love is easier said than given!
And if you’ve been in such a precarious situation before, know that, no mistake, no heartbreak can take away what you are meant to be and that verily, in each tear, there’s surely a lesson!

Yes, that most people are not worth wasting your feelings on. Its futile. Don’t go there! Ask them if they want Sex or a Relationship and when you venture into pure sexual ish, set your emotions accordingly and hope your head and heart obeys you. And of course, you can always say NO! And let go of the orgasm. Better ones are yet to come. It is not love. Do not get it mixed up.

And guys, yes I’m aware boys will be boys and being truthful all d time won’t get d girls.. Don’t go professing love wen u just wanna have sex. Be a little clearer from the onset. Don’t pretend you are interested in their life and a relationship when u just wanna get laid! Trust me, you won’t consider it cool when the tables are turned! Who do you think you are? Leaving scars scattered everywhere.

Karma is a bitch, I tell u!

 
20 Comments

Posted by on May 8, 2011 in Life

 

SeRIOuslY 2

I know its said that you should remove the speck in your eye before attempting to remove the log in another’s. What you are about to read isn’t someone’s account or information received by virtue of study. This right here is me sharing stuff that I (Dizzle) has done Yup! so it was really easy getting into the mind of the guy in this ‘story’

I’m no Saint.. ain’t much of a Sinner either

I’ll probably be crucified after this but *shrugs*, call me Jesus.

*BB headphones blaring at maximum volume* “Oleku! Tell me shawty wey I no fit screw, do not open this sir…she’s feeling this boy”….

*doing the choc-boy sway*

Yessir! That has been my theme song for the past month because it so aptly describes my conquests. Oh yes! I’m a conqueror, NO! Scratch that, I’m MORE than a conqueror! Its fun being me, don’t give me that eye, a lot of you will give anything to be where I am..for the sake of those who just came from MySpace, Mars or Bounty, the name is Dizzle. Its no use saying again that “I’m your LADIES man! She must have told you that already. Or you must have heard/read about me. Yes! When it comes to ladies and me, be afraid…be VERY afraid!

Oh, fuck you too!

*knock on the door* “NIPOSTman”

“A letter, who the ‘ell writes letters in 2011? This person must either be old fashioned, miserly or its some spam letter ish. I hope its not those ‘Awake’ bulletins o…I can like to give iya Ruki down the road to fry her akara..I’m sure by the time I give her 100 copies, she will trust me when I ask her to let Ruki come to my place and pick some more, of course, I will ‘awake’ in Ruki something she hasn’t experienced before she leaves”

*snaps back to reality, opens letter, sees sender, heart skips, skips again, sinks 2d floor*

“What the fuck?! I’m not reading this letter ahn ahn, this babe abeg free me…”

*paces around room, screams silently*

“Why is she on my case? Is she the first? That’s why I don’t like all these smallies!” Fuck! Fuckitty! Fuck!!!

*reminscing* It started on Twitter…

I can’t find any humble words to say “I’m blessed”. That’s the ‘humblest’ I can go. I’m blessed with looks, a voice to make traffic lights stay on green and a brain that works overtime, constantly churning out sarcasm, wit and creative rubbish at speeds that most minds can’t conceive…throw in Tech savvy, cool and trendy and yup! That’s your man: Dizzle…it was only normal I joined Twitter.

9 months after and 62,000 tweets in d bag, I had become a kinda icon. Everyone knew ‘Diz’-the ladies man..I used my wit so easily I charmed d ladies easier than a flute playing snake charmer. Of course, it wasn’t hard..I tweet funny stuff, they RT, I reply with a “MWAH!” And they get all wet..yup!

Easy as A,B see?

Its not news that we guys are moved by what we see (avatars) and girls are moved more by the things they hear/read (in this case). I look out for the daring avatars, the sexy, attractive ones..then i monitor your words: how ‘vocal’ you are with words like ‘fuck’, ‘dick’ etc…yeah i like that!! Like an enemy in the sight of cross hairs, i fix my aim and prepare to squeeze the trigger…

I hardly miss..nah! I DON’T miss!

Then I saw her…she had the sexiest avatar I had seen in a while, while others were trying hard, downloading boobs from the net and pouting like hooked fishes in front of toilet mirrors, she was a natural! Yeah, her top two buttons were undone so I could see the heave, the bulge (OMG! Its so vivid)…she RT’d a tweet of mine..and I replied with my normal *MWAH!* we got into light convo and then she did the norm “#nwff dizzle, pls ff back!”. Now I don’t ff back just ‘cos you follow me but..I followed her and immediately DM’d saying “I would follow you to the end of the world babe”…she giggled..

I knew I had her.

She became the object in my DM’s..I’d check up on her early in the morning, flirt with her, Tweet at her, sub her, the whole 140 characters aka 9 yards…then 2 days later, I said “babe 140 xters aint allowing me express my desires, gimme ur pin”. Test of her tripping..she didn’t even object..this was gonna be easy.
After plenty Voice Notes, picture sending, videos and chats, I told her I ‘loved’ her and she said she felt the same. That was IT! JACKPOT!! (This word ‘love’ seems to be the key to their hearts! I don’t get it but it works for me..ha!) we decided to meet..Before then though, I had made sure the content of our discussions were mostly sexual..we had played Truth or Dare..she had sent me a half nude picture (with her top and bra off), I had sent her a pic of my ‘kini’, I had shared all my sexual escapades with her (mostly fantasies and lies)..in her mind, I was a god! This was so that when we meet, she’ll have those thoughts clog her mind and it will be easy to make my move..

TL—>DM—>BBM—>MOVIES—>SEX—>on to the next tweep

That’s my cycle… 3 weeks after she followed me on Twitter, I had her follow me to a hotel room, Fuck! I had followed her for 3 weeks, I normally seal the deal in a week. I had been patient enough. Oh! The sex was good. She loved d way I ‘handled’ her, I could tell cos she moaned ‘dizzle’ (try saying that in the height of pleasure, you see?) That night, we went four rounds..I had to make sure I was totally satisfied. I slowly took her to ‘heaven’. We stopped along the way a couple of times just to ensure that the crave for the euphoric feeling was worth it..

I had promised to “follow her to the end of the world”. We had just got there.

*Another one bites the dust*

That’s how I roll, that’s what I do on Twitter..relationship? Nigga What??? Nah..Its strictly sex, but they don’t know that! There have been plenty others, a whole lot! Don’t be judging me, Love hasn’t been kind to me. I realize that the only place or time I can have any feelings whatsoever is at marriage-if i get there… Till then though, its still Dizzle burning up your TL

There are more now since I won “most popular tweep, @sexy_lipsss is my latest”

*BB beeps*

DM From: @sexy_lipsss
Sent: May 4th, 2011 20:28

Baby, been pinging u! What time do we meet at d hotel? Pls reply..I love u

And this one is writing me letter…she should fucking go and deal with her insecurities!

*tears letter*

So friends, here’s the general thought pattern of the normal Twitter flirt. .sound familiar? Do let me know your thoughts in the comment box…cheers!

 
109 Comments

Posted by on May 6, 2011 in Life

 

SeRIOUslY?

The post you are about to read is much more than a post. It is a real occurence.Names have been changed for security and privacy reasons yet the emotions expressed here are as real as they come. Written from a shared experience and “acted” out by the writers, I present to you scene 1: “HerStory”

Written by @SlimSiren

The sun was burning hot.
People climbed up and down, looking at the crazy black girl sitting on the sunny side of stairs. “Wouldn’t you step into the shade, madam?” “Madam, would you like some sunscreen?” One even gave me a bottle of cold water. These oyingbo people sef. When did they stop minding their business?
Couldn’t they see? I needed it. I needed its warmth to seep through my skin, to pervade my cold, cold, being. I needed to roast, I needed my emotions to stew and run like boiling lava down my system. Would they flow like tears from my eyes? Perhaps it would help me wash my insecurities away.

Ha.

Burn me, dammit!

All it did was prickle my skin like sharp, tiny pins. It didn’t matter. I welcomed the pain too.

Get rid of your insecurities. Get rid of your insecurities. Get rid of your…shut up! Fuck you!!

My insecurities are YOU, bastard!

Did I have insecurities before you came into my life? Did you see insecurities tattooed on my forehead when you perused my twitter avatar?
Mr Dizzle. Answer me. Did you smell insecurities when you mentioned me in that tweet, that tweet that made my heart dance and hair curl? “Perhaps, I should let one my followers know already. Miss @Ifeomatics, you are one hell of a dime and some!”
And those DMs. The proud feeling I got every time one of your thirsty followers questioned your ensuing absence from their timelines, because you were filling my own time with your colorful, panty-dropping lines. The half-a-dozen xoxo’s you sent every time I slept, for each hour you missed me.

Lol. I’m smiling. Damn you, Seye.

How I wish I could roll back to the time you asked for my blackberry pin, and erase that reply that held it. That pin punctured everything beautiful, everything sacred. You became too available, easily readable. I loved that I could talk to you 24/7, until I realized that you didn’t have 24 hours a day to share with me. I didn’t worry too much, was too happy you were there at all. Who wouldn’t want The Dizzle on their BBM list?
It didn’t take too long for me to notice eventually. I wish I never figured it out, I swear. All those BRB’s and never coming back. The different beauties on your display picture every other day. Why wouldn’t I get worried? They were each more beautiful than I was. I was jealous of every one of them, I wanted to rub charcoal on their wide toothed smiles and scream, get your filthy hands off my man!! I had to cinch the deal. When you mentioned us meeting and I jumped at it saying I was free that exact same period, you thought it was coincidence. Hmm. Coincidence indeed.

I wipe the moisture coursing down my face. What, My lava? Oh no. No, please don’t evaporate yet. I’m not out of steam. Please, be sweat.
My Dizzle. The Dizzle. What did I do to you? Where did I go wrong? We had fun at the movies, didn’t we? You laughed so much, tears ran from your eyes and salted the popcorn. I ate them, savoring the taste of you. You taste so beautiful, did you know? When we made love that night, I ran my tongue around your groin, drinking in every bit of you, the sweat, your sperm, my tears…
Did they all do that? Did they hold you while you slept, shivering and babbling incoherent residues from your haunting nightmares? I loved you, Dizzle. Yes. I. Loved. You. Why did you leave? Where did you go? All those read BBM pings and no replies, all those unanswered mentions. More beautiful display pictures. Less xoxo’s.

Until they disappeared all together.
It’s starting to get cold. I look at my wrist watch; its evening already. The cold bottle of water that guy with the mole gave me is still sitting next to me, untouched. I open it and take a swig, get up and dust my behind. Its late, but I’m not in a hurry to go home to Ngozi’s mocking eyes again. Yes, I dated a guy I met online. Yes, I’m in love with a guy I met on twitter barely three weeks ago. Yes, I’m stupid.
Stupidly in love.

I gather my back pack and books together, ready to go home. I don’t bother to check my phone, I know there are no missed calls. He blocked me from every social network- Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo, Blackberry Messenger…

Its not that easy though, Seye. I can’t let him go like that. I would write him a letter.

…So people, this is scene 1, I’m sure some can relate to this. Remember though, this was borne out of the pain one of ‘us’ felt…you may have advice for her or want to share your own experiences as I know she’s reading this.pls drop it in the comments box and also your opinions on @SlimSiren’s character portrayal… Scene 2 should be up tomorrow…

 
139 Comments

Posted by on May 5, 2011 in Life