EOW 101

14 May

“…although we’ve come to the end of the world, still I can’t let you go, its so natural, u belong to me, I bel…”

CRAP!!! Wrong song *insert any Enya song* maintain slow tempo *

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are watching this video now, then it is exactly 7 days (one week) to the end of the world. I have been away in solitary confinement in a place far far away (somewhere close to Abbottabad) to prepare myself for this great event. I have had to ensure that my body, soul and mind are devoid of any corruption hence you would have noticed my absence from Twitter over some days…yes, I had to spiritually purge and prepare myself. In my time away also, I have connected with ‘highly’ placed spiritual bodies that have given me first hand Insight into how to make sure you are not left behind as we approach the end of the world *inflates eyeballs.*coughs* I am here to share these with you…

First of all, if you know anyone close to you who is still NOT on Twitter as you read this, stop reading and get them to open an a/c…and of course FOLLOW ME! I am the chosen fore-runner (kinda like JTB..john the Baptist, though my handle is @KevinWithAnL). The first prerequisite for making it to heaven is having at least 12 followers like our Lord did in His time..I’m sure you all do, fine!!! I’m sorry for those on sources said something about how they don’t want ‘pokers’ in Heaven, seeing as we will all be dressed in white garments with NO undergarments.

So next, information reaching me says that what we shall hear won’t be a Trumpet per say ( this how its spelt? Oh fack it! This is a video recording) yeah…so what we WILL hear in 9ja will be the instrumental of Sauce Kid’s “Under G” I mean what better way to announce the event than with some Sinzu/ Don baba J beats.. But just incase Dj Angel Micky can’t get the ordered copy from Alaba on time, 2face’s “Implication” is the 2nd choice theme song for D-day (its St. Steven’s favorite song) so keep your ears to the sky as the case is..buhahaha!

For those who don’t know, May 21st is D-day, as for the time, 8pm is the unofficial time. This is because, the guys in Heaven want to be done with supper by 7pm to avoid having to cater for a mighty influx of people. The Kitchen dept have had their proposal accepted so 8pm is ‘Arice’ time…eat before that time ‘cos no dinner will be served and breakfast? What??? I hear they don’t ‘break’ their ‘fast’ there so you may wanna pack some box noodles or Agege bread. Don’t worry, there’s enough milk and honey from one certain river like that!

Before the ‘Under G’ things though, there are some necessary things you must do or undo to ensure you are ‘take-away’ able..

-Ladies if there is a guy you have been styling for who has been toasting you since he knew what the word ‘toast’ meant, this period will be a good time to allow him get some ‘action’..don’t let the verse “DO unto others as you will have them DO unto you” be used against you.

– Remember Absalom? David’s son who got stuck in a tree because of his long hair? Yes!!! Ladies, Brazilian, Peruvian, Taliban or HorseTailian hair will NOT get you there, infact, it disqualifies you automatically. So u better revert to Team Natural (ask @Ms_Dania) for some tips.. Or you could go all skin afterall, there is no male or female there….

– I know we all will want to look good on our last day on earth and some of us have started our shopping but PLEASE, whatever you wear, do NOT wear PRADA!!! Incase you don’t know, “the Devil wears Prada” so, do the math *shrugs* also anything with illuminatti insignia is a bit too cocky or heady as the case may be!

-Guys Skinny jeans!!! Seriously, MJ had enough problems getting in, Twas the moonwalk performance that granted him entry, u need to see him do it on d streets of gold, its Heavenly! Oh yeah!! So no skinnies, D’banj and @WaleGafar be warned!!!

-Bling Bling!!! For crying out loud, this is heaven for Chrissakes (hehe! How apt), we’ve got pearly gates, streets of gold, diamond banisters, and you think your $1000 necklace is anything to feel cool about? You should see Solomon’s collection. So ditch the blings ok? I’m sorry for those with platinum teeth and stuff, I’m sorry, hell awaits you.

-Also, just as it is in big companies, Govt. Agencies and institutes where connections take you far, the same applies in Heaven to…to get to Heaven, its who you know that matters! So you better follow Jesus and NO! Not the spoof a/c on Twitter. But you should follow me on Twitter being the forerunner like I said earlier.

A good verse to live by in these times is “Lay down the weight that so easily besets…” Remember that, the plan is to levitate as the ‘trumpet’ sounds, if you are too heavy (more than 80kg) this might be a problem. Now will be a good time to lose that weight. Also “narrow is the road to eternal life, wide is the path to destruction..” That’s another verse to BUTTress the fact of your weight…ehn? Do something! If you are at the Gym when the ‘trumpet’ sounds, forget it..keep lifting your weight.

So my people, these are the words I bring to you out of my place of solitude and deep meditation…Hearken to them or face earthly damnation…oh yeah! Less I forget..the following types of people on Twitter will not make it so don’t bother…

-if you’ve ever said KSB is a good musician
-if you RT @Tundeednut’s joke attempts and add LWKMD
-if you’ve told @odinabarbie she looks like heaven
-if you partake in the daily display of high level display of displayed mumuism displayed daily by one who calls him/herself @TweetOracle, then forgerrit! U will never make it! Not ever!! NEVER!!!
-if Im following you and you are NOT following back, how on EARTH do you expect to make HEAVEN?
-lastly, if u watch BBA…it is clear you don’t wanna miss a moment. You are granted freedom to stay. Heaven is not for you.

That will be all my people. I have recorded this and sent out via internet, pls share with your family and friends. The end has come. It has been fun knowing you. See you naked as we rise. Its your boy…

*play Kumbaya here*


Posted by on May 14, 2011 in FicKtioN


78 responses to “EOW 101

  1. ibetapassmyneighbour

    May 14, 2011 at 9:22 am

    Am I d first to comment????

  2. ibetapassmyneighbour

    May 14, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Oh yes… d first!!!…..hehehehehe….*now scrolling bak up to read*

  3. Gidi Mallam

    May 14, 2011 at 9:26 am

    SMH…so u’r psychosis has now reached celestial proportions…SMH again…
    Only God knows wat u were takin when u got d inspiration for dis…totally heelahrious…too many lines got me rolling mehn…gud to hav u back…
    Oh n yeah I’m d 1st again…

  4. Gidi Mallam

    May 14, 2011 at 9:27 am

    @ibeta…u’r not well o…we will deal wit dis at home…at least i read b4 i commented sha…

  5. zany

    May 14, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Hahahahaha…..jst need to follow you n take off my weave then I’m good to go. Ohh bba…well I’ll buy dstv mobile.

  6. ibetapassmyneighbour

    May 14, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Wow!!! This is d “bestest” and “funniestest” post I hav ever read….(If u gbagaun me…wallahi hellfire straight))
    D brazillian n peruvian hair stuff and weighing above 80kg…c’mon kelvin…wot we’re u thinking??? Lwmawtbwd (laff was make arsenal win trophy B4 world end)…

    Btw I gbagaundetector and hawtie01 are sooooooo making it into heaven…..*dont ask why*

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 9:50 am

      Ok, I won’t ask why, come?

  7. 0latoxic

    May 14, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Ibeta and Mallam, yav come again here, abi?! The ‘holiness’ of ur matrimony is in serious question here. Don’t forget y’all’ll havta either stay back afta may 21st to stay together or come to heaven with us and free each other: no spouses up yonder, remember? The choice is yours…

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 9:47 am

      Tell them preacher…lol

  8. ibetapassmyneighbour

    May 14, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Hehehe….@gidi mallam….pls read my bio….see my location…I was behind kelvin wen he was sendin d post naaaa…plus…u eff’d up last nyt mehnnnnn…in dat cold…all we did was jus half round!!!….*afta d burontashi I put in ur akamu*
    Ll take olatoxic’s comment….am leaving u behind…*i heard there re well endowed guys making it to heaven…e.g kelvin!

  9. masonicnerd

    May 14, 2011 at 9:56 am

    “D banj and @walegafar be warned” – buhahahahaha totally hilariously Insane!! πŸ˜€

  10. ibetapassmyneighbour

    May 14, 2011 at 9:58 am

    @ kelvin ….des guys re funny naaa…I mean we need jesters in heaven too…..*or hell for those who it may concern!*

  11. chinietwit

    May 14, 2011 at 10:01 am

    This is funny ^infinity!!!
    Can’t stop laffin….welldone
    Gud to ve u bak!!!

  12. BragginRightz

    May 14, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Lmao!!! Lmaoo!! “@TundeEdnut’s attempts at jokes”,”@TweetOracle’s mumuness” and “@Odinabarbie heavenly” ?? I support you 100% ,those offences are punishable,,

    This post cracked me up.. Especially the closin’ paragraph.. Nice one Kelvin.

  13. 0latoxic

    May 14, 2011 at 10:06 am

    My friend, GidiMallam, was a good man. He died after being emasculated by his wife Ibeta, in the abode of his friend, Kelvin who had become the object of Ibeta’s epic proportions of lustfulness and affection. This after a particularly dismal performance on their matrimonial stage the night before. Solemnly *smh

  14. ciogbuehi

    May 14, 2011 at 10:12 am

    hehe. dude, i thot i crossed with my piece… but you? damn… lolz sha. liked d end d most…

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 10:17 am

      Oh no! U murderlized it on your post like whaat?? Had to follow secretly like Nicodamus did that 9t..

  15. ibetapassmyneighbour

    May 14, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Sorry am replyin late…I go borrow dictionary from my neighbour bcos of olatoxic’s comment…..
    So na mallam’s ghost dey comment now abi???

    Ehnnn…he is not capable again bcos his “iya ile”…lindaseriki abi wetn…has drained him….

    Pls I need young blood….I need to b fresh at least in heaven…kelvin…he is jus my type…plus he is witty…wot more can I ask for….*and benin environ don shape am*

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 10:22 am

      Yay!!! Doing the jerk…

  16. pheary

    May 14, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Lmaooooo…… This is a clear case of d idle d……. u know d rest……. i’ve alwayz known u to b i’m not surprised…. atleast i’m follown u… shea i’ll make it….. osheeeeee…..

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 10:28 am

      Oh I’m taking u with me babe, confirmed!

  17. esuga_suga

    May 14, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Hahhahaahaa. You didn’t say anything about our blackberries. I will like to tweet and gossip with the bbm from heaven…solution??? πŸ˜€

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 10:32 am

      Well sadly, all BB’s will be dropped at the Pearly gates, communication shall be via handwritings on walls…peace my dear!

  18. cecenostockings

    May 14, 2011 at 10:26 am

    I can’t stop laughing! This post is too hilarious!!! I can’t even pick one thing that isn’t funny.
    But ehn, the hair one, I’m sure there’s back door entry. There has to be. because using weave-on that my mother bought at a price she keeps reminding me about can not be easy.
    Just in case sha *taking out weave*

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 10:36 am

      Worry not about what u shall ‘wear’ and stuff like that…samson has a barbershop called “Delilah’s”…they can hook you up with a nice amber rose kinda look…

  19. Sick_Sage

    May 14, 2011 at 10:27 am

    LMFAO!!! Kevo, my sources tell me the arrival song will be ‘E don shele oh’, what’s this abt UnderG? Also, there’s this thing abt virgins not getting in, not too sure bout that one sha, I was busy ogling Karen’s fake tits when that info came in. . .

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 10:39 am

      Your sources must be d ones who said Osama was in a cave for the virgins, there sure is one in Heaven

  20. wordsofanaries

    May 14, 2011 at 10:47 am

    LMAO @ Tunde Ednut, Odinabarbie and tweetoracle…hey, thou shalt not discriminate. such ‘special’ people have ‘special’ places assigned to them in heaven. on earth, it’s called a loony bin. any idea what it is up there??

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 10:55 am

      Me I’m not discriminating o, I bring you the instructions as I received ’em…but if they do get a place, it just might be somewhere close to the Valley of dry bones..

  21. wf_SimonSEEZ

    May 14, 2011 at 10:55 am

    hilarious stuff from a deranged mind…

    I could pick better songs to replace the trumpet thou..but one thing is for certain..all @tweetOracles followers will b singing Timi Dakolos *heaven pls* when they r left behind…

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 11:09 am

      Hahahaha… Heaven pls…

  22. a_lil_xtra

    May 14, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Lwtmbfh!!! Dunno which is funnier…d blog itself or d comments all these yeye ppl like @Sick_Sage hv put here… πŸ˜€
    So good to have u back,Kev…me sha i know i’m covered..u won’t leavd me behind,abi???

  23. a_lil_xtra

    May 14, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Lwtmbfh!!! Dunno which is funnier…d blog itself or d comments all these yeye ppl like @Sick_Sage hv put here… πŸ˜€
    So good to have u back,Kev…me sha i know i’m covered..u won’t leave me behind,abi???

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 11:10 am

      Oh def not…we have ‘unfinished’ business…

  24. cecenostockings

    May 14, 2011 at 11:00 am

    But wait. Kev, you didn’t say anything about purgatory. Surely some people will be given a chance to redeem themselves?

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 11:11 am

      *now purging in toilet*

  25. Delphine

    May 14, 2011 at 11:04 am

    LMAOOOOOO! Ya just plain silly! Too many good lines! LOL at “the plan is to levitate so pls lose weight…” *rolling*

  26. Afrosays

    May 14, 2011 at 11:25 am

    I think websites are like real life places you discover, and like to visit.

    This should be another peppersoup place for me.

    Onto the naughty!

  27. musingsofagidimallam

    May 14, 2011 at 11:36 am

    BOOM!! *ground quakes from d impact of his landin*
    I see one of my detractors has arrived in my absence…n unfortunately dis time my twiyawo kekere has sided wit him…alas dis is but a small matter…*turns to @Olatoxic n does d hand seals “keyboard” “scroll pad”* PANUMO NO JUTSU! *puts him in an extended state of “shut mouth”*
    *looks askance at @Ibeta* for d sake of our twiluv I will overlook dis indiscretion…u will be wise not to test me again like u did last nite…n also neva mention my twiyawo agba in dez matters…
    *faces Kelvin* U wer still in ur self imposed seclusion wen @Ibeta n I solemnized our twitrimony…so no put ur mouth…u’r not d only one who was imbued wit power from “On High”…dnt lemme do to u wat Herod did to JTB…nuff said…
    But seriously tho…dat final caveat go carry plenty ppl go hell fire o…a whole @TundeEdnut, @TweetOracle n HRH @Odinabarbie…kai…Allah kiyaye…

  28. mariam

    May 14, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Awesome post! Extremely funny. Hahahahaha heaven pls, d comments r hilarious…brb

  29. ibetapassmyneighbour

    May 14, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Aboki…..I dnt thnk ds rel wud work…its not u…am d pb…I jus found tru love and he’s ryt in front of me…
    Dnt take it personal but kelvin n I…ve a date for may 22…

    I fantasize bout him everynyt…y do u thnk I close my eyes evrytym we make luv?? Dats cos I imagine its kelvin…

    Ohh this adonis….I cnt wait…*np akon ft tpain – I can’t wait*

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 12:29 pm

      *pressing up* reads commemt* Oh my! *increases press ups*

  30. mo'

    May 14, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    Lwkmd!kelvin u haf mad finish..thank God I don’t fall in any of the categories above so am making heaven *adjusts halo*bu kev I haf a wedding o shd I stil go bcos the rice there would be heavenly and there is a bobo I want to block…nice and creative(y)

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 12:33 pm

      My dear, our Lord performed his first miracle at a wedding. He approves of weddings..since d wedding is before 8pm, make sure u go and come back on time…for d bobo sha, I suggest u wait to see if he makes it so u don’t die of a broken hrt…

  31. Sandie Pandie

    May 14, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    What a post to ignite some fear :s jokes! So much to say… No bearing. My brother, you have done well. Rmba d choco milo u begged for? Oya let’s gaan buy before the world ends. Lovely post!

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 12:40 pm

      *smiles* glad to have u here..thanx

  32. cecenostockings

    May 14, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    *clears throat* so…erm…seeing as we are now setting heaven p, let me now take this opportunity to announce that I am currently without any p. Yes. Yes. This an advert. -_-

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 12:54 pm

      Errr…that makes two of us, so what say you..we get us a room for a 7 day vigil and offer up our bodies as emm…u know, we set p togerra

      • cecenostockings

        May 14, 2011 at 1:10 pm

        You? Aren’t you the same Kev ibetapass is talking about? Plixx plixx. I can like my remaining week to be drama free. But maybe it’s another Kevin, then a vigil is perfect.

  33. eromzy

    May 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Hilarious.. That’s all.

  34. freshprinz

    May 14, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    My namesake + L, u have done well. I’m sure d council will take back its expulsion letter after reading. Even tho u betray us occasionally u’ve still done well. I don’t agree with d 80kg levitation limit sha, dat wud mean guys like me, Idris Elba, dat guy from Thor, Usher Raymond, Maye Hunter, Ramsey Nuah, Taye Diggs, amongst others shall not make it 2 heaven. Dat one no go work o, I bet a lot of babes will stay back just to get a chance no matter how ‘slim’ d possibility is.:D

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 2:10 pm

      Haha, I see your sub…right now I’m just UberConfused…I really DO want it all to end..heaven or hell would be much better than where I am now..u know w’sup! Thanx bro!

  35. musingsofagidimallam

    May 14, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    hmmn…It wld seem dat I bit off more dan I cld chew wit my latest twiyawo…n she’s further tryin to make me kill a member of d High Council of d Brotherhood…*ponders*…NAH!!!! @Ibeta…I will show u pepper…Kelvin o jare…nothin do u…*now scannin for his own “heavenly” P or Ps*…hehehehehe *Wario Laff*

  36. ibetapassmyneighbour

    May 14, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Hehe….so afta splitin wv my aboki for u kelvin u dey scope anoda baby for our very before????….

    My mallam…my aboki….my olowo ori mi…dat post was a joke…I jus wan do last april fool ohhhh… See ehnn…I jus got ds new set of handcuffs..n whipcream ….so wot we talkin about….tonyt huh???

  37. musingsofagidimallam

    May 14, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    @Ibeta…it is said by my fathers ppl…”idi ere la ma n mo ooto oro”…ayam not doin again o…me sef ayam goin to goan set my “heavenly” P…wetin I wan use handcuff do…se olopa ni mi ni…n whipped cream…nah…too sweet…der’s diabetes alert…catschya…*drives off*
    *slows down beside @cece* need a ride m’lady?

    • cecenostockings

      May 14, 2011 at 4:55 pm

      Ah! *bluishing seriously* Yes, please. :o) But wait. Shey you’re not going to ask me any difficult questions? Because me I’m not down for all that one, oh! Let me know now so I can arrange and manage the Kevin.

  38. musingsofagidimallam

    May 14, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    dnt worry m’lady…we’r done wit all d quantum mechanics n mathematics…so let’s leave dis arena n discuss oda matters in a more “serene” n secluded environment…

  39. kitkat

    May 14, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    OMG the D-day is gonna be on my mum’s birthday! not fair!! can we shift it to may 22nd somehow? πŸ˜›
    and i’m an avid BBA fan so there’s no hope 4 me? :s

  40. ibetapassmyneighbour

    May 14, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    *about jumping inside soakaway*..
    Kelvin…pls jus tel me u want me……PLEase….
    *calling ikay to keep rat poison for cece!*
    KELVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…….say sumthing!!….
    *np stylplus – call my name*

    • Kelvin

      May 14, 2011 at 5:14 pm

      “I want u”… “Sumthing!”

    • cecenostockings

      May 14, 2011 at 6:09 pm

      LOL! Rat poison ke? Ode-eshi!!! All’s fair in lust and p setting dear. Besides Kev is still there. And if you want, three of us can even get together and vigil. I’m not greedy :o)

  41. musingsofagidimallam

    May 14, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    bwuahahahaha…LNGTMB…dis gehl no go kill person…@Ibeta…person wey go marry u ehn…oti gbase gidi…Kelvin…can u handle it?

  42. ibetapassmyneighbour

    May 14, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    @cece …naaaa…I don’t go bak to my vomit…u can have him…his pencil aint worth it abeg…..

    @mallam….pls kevin can handle it…ahaan adonis…ko easy…fresh face…pink lips..25 abs…ko soh ro!!…

    *np can u handle it – usher*…..
    Kevin I can handle it…I can go ther baby with you*…ouhhhhh!

  43. musingsofagidimallam

    May 14, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    @Ibeta…bwuahaha…if u say so…altho deluding urself doesnt change d truth sha…
    I prolly should dispel my Panumo No Jutsu…I didnt think @Olatoxic would stay bound by it for dis long…guess his chakra manipulation is way lower than I thot…hehehehehe
    I’v also noticed Kelvin is rather quiet…u no wan talk again…

  44. MzLucyM

    May 14, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Lmaoooo I looove dis! Now taking out my weave and hitting d gym X_X

  45. 0latoxic

    May 14, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    This stupid Gidi Mallam, you killed my keyboard for 12 straight hours! You dey madt ni?! You and phcn don dey collaborate, abi?! I’ll be at mfm tomorrow morning sorting you out. Besides, wassup wiv the identity crisis you seem to be having?

    @Cece, o ma ti je gbese! Ko ya gbe ja ti o ba fe ko dara fun e!!

  46. cecenostockings

    May 15, 2011 at 1:13 am

    @ibeta God bless you. It’s better for us to live in peace. One man’s meat and all that. Me, I know size doesn’t matter. I believe the mallam is diligent in his work. πŸ™‚

    @olatoxic, biko, you can like to translate for me. Yoruba, I speaketh/heareth/readeth not.

  47. thelmatweets

    May 15, 2011 at 5:56 am

    Kev, I will trade my place cuz my Perivian Hair is d ish! Hilarious post! But, u won’t ‘kee’ my friend the oracle! L☺l

  48. loba

    May 15, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    Pls can u all take your p setting to a more private arena, besides, y’all r wasting time talking..less talk more time for action, may 21st is just right around the corner. This post is actually quite funny.

  49. Wumie

    May 15, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    Haha..End of the world!well I’m clean,are you? o:)

  50. HUGOverified

    May 16, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Good One…

  51. crystalclearwords

    May 16, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Err… so what happens to u if we are ff u on twirra and u dont ff “beck”… tis d hottest part of hell for u abi? hehe…
    So… incase u decide to ff me im @crystalsay4 and I can pray that May 21st u shall be rawking with us in heaven, aii

  52. crystalclearwords

    May 16, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    Very nicely written btwz! Gr8 read πŸ™‚

  53. Ogaeynna O'landoz

    July 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    U’r sure you’re a human being?

  54. terdoh

    September 30, 2011 at 11:19 am

    *reverses truck and parks beside crane*

    Ah yes. Drop the last in the back. A little to the left…left… left. Right there! Good. Clip it on. Thank you.

    *Drives off carrying last*

  55. ibetapassmynebo

    September 30, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Lool reading d comments again n d post
    I was clearly drunk dat night lol


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: