“…although we’ve come to the end of the world, still I can’t let you go, its so natural, u belong to me, I bel…”
CRAP!!! Wrong song *insert any Enya song* maintain slow tempo *
Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are watching this video now, then it is exactly 7 days (one week) to the end of the world. I have been away in solitary confinement in a place far far away (somewhere close to Abbottabad) to prepare myself for this great event. I have had to ensure that my body, soul and mind are devoid of any corruption hence you would have noticed my absence from Twitter over some days…yes, I had to spiritually purge and prepare myself. In my time away also, I have connected with ‘highly’ placed spiritual bodies that have given me first hand Insight into how to make sure you are not left behind as we approach the end of the world *inflates eyeballs.*coughs* I am here to share these with you…
First of all, if you know anyone close to you who is still NOT on Twitter as you read this, stop reading and get them to open an a/c…and of course FOLLOW ME! I am the chosen fore-runner (kinda like JTB..john the Baptist, though my handle is @KevinWithAnL). The first prerequisite for making it to heaven is having at least 12 followers like our Lord did in His time..I’m sure you all do, fine!!! I’m sorry for those on FB..my sources said something about how they don’t want ‘pokers’ in Heaven, seeing as we will all be dressed in white garments with NO undergarments.
So next, information reaching me says that what we shall hear won’t be a Trumpet per say (err..is this how its spelt? Oh fack it! This is a video recording) yeah…so what we WILL hear in 9ja will be the instrumental of Sauce Kid’s “Under G” I mean what better way to announce the event than with some Sinzu/ Don baba J beats.. But just incase Dj Angel Micky can’t get the ordered copy from Alaba on time, 2face’s “Implication” is the 2nd choice theme song for D-day (its St. Steven’s favorite song) so keep your ears to the sky as the case is..buhahaha!
For those who don’t know, May 21st is D-day, as for the time, 8pm is the unofficial time. This is because, the guys in Heaven want to be done with supper by 7pm to avoid having to cater for a mighty influx of people. The Kitchen dept have had their proposal accepted so 8pm is ‘Arice’ time…eat before that time ‘cos no dinner will be served and breakfast? What??? I hear they don’t ‘break’ their ‘fast’ there so you may wanna pack some box noodles or Agege bread. Don’t worry, there’s enough milk and honey from one certain river like that!
Before the ‘Under G’ things though, there are some necessary things you must do or undo to ensure you are ‘take-away’ able..
-Ladies if there is a guy you have been styling for who has been toasting you since he knew what the word ‘toast’ meant, this period will be a good time to allow him get some ‘action’..don’t let the verse “DO unto others as you will have them DO unto you” be used against you.
– Remember Absalom? David’s son who got stuck in a tree because of his long hair? Yes!!! Ladies, Brazilian, Peruvian, Taliban or HorseTailian hair will NOT get you there, infact, it disqualifies you automatically. So u better revert to Team Natural (ask @Ms_Dania) for some tips.. Or you could go all skin afterall, there is no male or female there….
– I know we all will want to look good on our last day on earth and some of us have started our shopping but PLEASE, whatever you wear, do NOT wear PRADA!!! Incase you don’t know, “the Devil wears Prada” so, do the math *shrugs* also anything with illuminatti insignia is a bit too cocky or heady as the case may be!
-Guys Skinny jeans!!! Seriously, MJ had enough problems getting in, Twas the moonwalk performance that granted him entry, u need to see him do it on d streets of gold, its Heavenly! Oh yeah!! So no skinnies, D’banj and @WaleGafar be warned!!!
-Bling Bling!!! For crying out loud, this is heaven for Chrissakes (hehe! How apt), we’ve got pearly gates, streets of gold, diamond banisters, and you think your $1000 necklace is anything to feel cool about? You should see Solomon’s collection. So ditch the blings ok? I’m sorry for those with platinum teeth and stuff, I’m sorry, hell awaits you.
-Also, just as it is in big companies, Govt. Agencies and institutes where connections take you far, the same applies in Heaven to…to get to Heaven, its who you know that matters! So you better follow Jesus and NO! Not the spoof a/c on Twitter. But you should follow me on Twitter being the forerunner like I said earlier.
A good verse to live by in these times is “Lay down the weight that so easily besets…” Remember that, the plan is to levitate as the ‘trumpet’ sounds, if you are too heavy (more than 80kg) this might be a problem. Now will be a good time to lose that weight. Also “narrow is the road to eternal life, wide is the path to destruction..” That’s another verse to BUTTress the fact of your weight…ehn? Do something! If you are at the Gym when the ‘trumpet’ sounds, forget it..keep lifting your weight.
So my people, these are the words I bring to you out of my place of solitude and deep meditation…Hearken to them or face earthly damnation…oh yeah! Less I forget..the following types of people on Twitter will not make it so don’t bother…
-if you’ve ever said KSB is a good musician
-if you RT @Tundeednut’s joke attempts and add LWKMD
-if you’ve told @odinabarbie she looks like heaven
-if you partake in the daily display of high level display of displayed mumuism displayed daily by one who calls him/herself @TweetOracle, then forgerrit! U will never make it! Not ever!! NEVER!!!
-if Im following you and you are NOT following back, how on EARTH do you expect to make HEAVEN?
-lastly, if u watch BBA…it is clear you don’t wanna miss a moment. You are granted freedom to stay. Heaven is not for you.
That will be all my people. I have recorded this and sent out via internet, pls share with your family and friends. The end has come. It has been fun knowing you. See you naked as we rise. Its your boy…
*play Kumbaya here*