My MuSic PlaYeR

Hey People, in continuation of our Sunday Guest Category, we have the pleasure of reading a random piece from one of my guys. Kinda a deviation from the typical humour we see on here but in my opinion creative nonetheless.
Remember though, sundays are for Guest writers on here. If you feel you wanna take the plunge and put your GOOD stuff out there, do hola at me, yeah?
In the meantime, enjoy @nugwatweets’ music shuffle and his interpretation of the songs!

Its 10p.m,Sitting at home eating oatmeal cookies (ben and jerry’s aint got nothing on this) Watching TV, well I was…now I’m typing…Warning… this will be incoherent…*pours a glass of Starmont Chardonnay*Say what? It’s cheap? Waka…*plugs in earpiece*

Hate to know what’s coming on next… kills the buzz when I do…I’m weird ☺…*Selects Random* Songs determine my mood…*sighs*

Five for fighting – Its not easy to be me,
Gidi-born, gidi bred, naija buttered… growing up was fun… Never knew my dad much… he travelled around a lot, years on end. My mum was everything. That was a conscious effort, because making sure your kids lacked nothing even without their father was no mean feat… civil servants don’t get paid much. No pity party here, kids with New York and Manchester as 3rd term holiday destinations weren’t asking for pity.*sips from wine-glass*
It’s unlike me to be home on a Saturday night…my crazy cousins must have somewhere to drag me to… sometimes I go myself… Preferred spot is crystal lounge. It’s classy and still has lotsa Nigerians… But why do naija guys think a fat white chick gives you swag? Cuz she’s white? *spits*.  A topic for another day.I’m an introvert, and an extrovert… Can’t decide. Living alone doesn’t help. My sister visits once in a while. The campus is her more permanent abode. So solitude gives me time to think, and the thoughts become more twisted with each episode. I’m not forming “dark and mysterious”.Don’t even want that.

BEZ – Stop pretending.
Much better song…Well not really, because the message shows me how much of a façade my life is right now. From the outside, He’s a young, driven lad with a bright future. Good job, Nice car, lives in the Upscale Downtown area… (no pun intended)
Bullshit…Not because it’s not true but because it feels nothing like it looks…Working a nine to five isn’t my thing… I just know I’m supposed to be doing something else… don’t know what… but till I find out what, that space remains empty… and emptiness hurts, cuz every ticking of the clock feels like I died, and it’s not death that scares me… *faint smile*… Its dying unknown. Not talking about fame. F*ck that. I’m talking about not making an impact.*Bites a sugar frosted Bagel, wipes fingers clean*

The Game ft lil wayne – My life
What on earth did my Tablet smoke this evening? So so sad songs… Mpstcheeeew…Anywho, Just like lil wayne asked “why hasn’t He taken my life?” Probably cuz there’s something I’m still to do… I’d be damned if I stay in the cooperate rat race for the better part of my youth. Probably why I’m quitting my job next month. I just have to jump… can’t stand here, I’m jumping. Mum’ll scream when I tell her, well, IF I tell her. She won’t understand, you probably don’t. Don’t blame you. But the destinies that ride on me call me… and I have to go…The breaking point was when my aunt died last month, I know she’s with God now but the question is if that was me would He be happy with me? Get the feeling he wouldn’t. Because there’s something untapped in me that’s not for me… it’s for my family, friends and country, and it’s gotta come out.

Brooke Fraser – Something in the water.
Finally!!! A happy song! This tablet needs deliverance sha…So my brother is coming next week. Uber cool! And he’s bringing kilichi! How I miss kilichi… *sighs… throws away bagel*… I never knew you could bring that here without it being seized, till my cousin brought some last month when she returned from the burial. See grown men fighting for meat! Still have the scar from when Kaycee punched me after I used my right hand to pack the bulk of the meat and run into the toilet… And this chick I’ve been eyeing was there o… cousins friend… Sexy like mad… naija babe born and bred here. She actually asked me (when we were much younger) if Africans actually live on trees… God punish yankee media.On the flip side, I promised to take her lion hunting when she visits naija next year for the first time… *dodges slippers*

Mali Music – Yahweh
Ah… my song… All the glory belongs to HIM… true…I’m a spiritual being… sometimes in the office or on the road, I catch myself taking to God… at least I hope it’s Him. For someone who rationalizes a lot of things I’ve asked myself a lot of questions. Questions that shake the foundations of the faith of my upbringing. I’ll share a common one. Does God exist? I answer this via the elimination method. Atheists believe two atoms collided spontaneously and a continual explosion created all we see… That only shows one thing… ATHEISTS HAVE FAITH. Because it takes as much faith to believe this as it does to believe that a virgin conceived. And if I have to believe something, it’s that There’s a God who loves me and wants the best for me and when I die, I’ll be with Him. End of Discussion.

Naeto C – 5 and 6Love song
Me I’m not into all that love crap… used to be… long story. Let’s just say I realized that not everyone is worth your time. But when I hear this song, I catch myself hoping. All girls can’t be bitches… God can’t be that heartless. But when you are Vidic (5) and your (6) is squillachi, I pity you. (football fans understand this). And when every other “6” looks like Yobo against man u in 2006, (through pass to rooney), I’d rather defend alone. But jokes aside tho’ I know she’s out there… and our defensive partnership will be one toh quality!*Switches off media player*

It’s your boy @nugwatweets, Thanks to @kevinwithanL for the feature. Loved it? Hate it? Use the comment box. I’m out

 

iN thE NewS

Good Morning/ Afternoon/ Evening.
Welcome to the Twitter news at 7. Here are the headlines:
New vocabulary added to the English Language.
Popular Musician dies.
Twitter Oracle releases plans for Amnesty Programme.
Enigma mania grabs Nigeria And in Style…
We look at what went wrong at the Harsh party.
And now the details…

Language, like change, is a constant variable and this is evident daily as new words spring up and seemingly find their way to our everyday vocabulary. This has been evident in the month of July as lots of words have surfaced and subsequently submerged their predecessors. If you are still using words like superstar, mermaid, hills, self esteem etc then you are so old school and you really need that Upgrade that Beyoncé so generously offered. These words amongst others have been replaced thus:
Superstar—> Soup or Star
Mermaid—-> Marmade
Hills—> heels (interchange at will)
Self Esteem—> selves of steam
Finna—> (I still don’t get this one, sounds really retarded to me)
Do well to inculcate this into your lingo and avoid carrying last.

Popular musician, Emily Wineshack dies mysteriously. As usual, lots of theories surrounding the circumstances of her death have risen. Some say she was on her way to popular club in Lagos ‘rehab’ when she met rapper Overdose, There was ‘a diction’ misunderstanding and then in the scuffle that ensued, she inhaled her last breath…(Bollocks) …Another school of little thought says she decided to go underground for a while, ended up in the cellar of her house and like her surname shows, that wasn’t a safe place to be!
We join millions of people on Twitter and BBM who knew her all of a sudden and we say RIP sister Emily.

Public Enemy no 1 on Twitter, Mazi Oracle has done it again. Information reaching us indicate that this potential father who gets off while engaging 19 year old girls in Tweetfights has instituted a new programme. This program called TAP (Twitter Amnesty Programme) is aimed at granting pardon to some people he had previously blocked!
Ok! Hold it jare! What is it sef? This thing is entering this dude’s head too much. first he torments us with dumb ass questions on the regular, then his brain touches and he tweets dumber ‘facts’ gotten from his left toe, and then regularly ‘fights’ with girls but keeps mute when guys get at him…aaarrrggh *pulling imaginary hair out* taps chest, All iz vell, All iz vell*
But ‘TAP’ though? Someone better tell this dude to stop taking Twitter too seriously and concentrate on the job we hear he has. Or he should just apply to Twitter to be Nigerian branch president. TF!!! TAP my ass! Literally o!

Nigerians woke up on one day like that to the gist of a $2000 prize for anyone who can drop the tightest rap on the Enigma beat dropped by none other than producer extraodina-BabaJay (no free adverts here). As the news spread like Sharon stone’s legs in Basic instinct, every Obinna, Mufutau and Taofeek ‘jumped on the beat’ and attempted to churn out a masterpiece. The aftermath has been amazing ranging from classic WOW’s to the downright ‘#UdonMeanIt’. Some people sha, God will forgive you for the links you tweeted. If Shouting is your idea of rap, then our bus conductors are madly Talented. Yes! This is a news sub!
As for Vic-O, Why? #ThatIsAll
However, here is a sample of my favorite so far, its by @DaviDamage Listen, be blessed and be illuminated

http://bit.ly/q21kOU

In style and entertainment, we wanted to bring you pictures of the Harsh party that went down recently in the city of Lagos. However, we did not want to be responsible for the images that could ruin your belief in the youth and their fashion sense.
We had superman visit (never knew he was black), we had university bastards in attendance, girls dressed as their favorite food (wrapped moin moin), sweaters and knee high boots (I’m guessing just incase there was a flood) boys in cropped pants looking all gay and shiii, and the oracle even graced the human event.

Maybe it was the red carpet concept that disillusioned many as the outfits are better seen than explained. Check out the pictures here

On the colourful night when #Hashtag rocked Lagos!

And that has been the newsround this hour, be sure to visit your Timeline often for more Breaking News and Trends. As long as the lord is on the ‘thrown’ we will do our best to keep you abreast.
This broadcast was brought to you by Maltina..My name is @KevinWithanL

If you have any latest words we can add to the dictionary, please use the comment box to share. Additional news snippets are also welcome.

 

ChiCkeN Run

A great day to y’all..in the little way I can, I try to afford some talented people an opportunity to express themselves on here. I’m sorry if you came expecting to read something from me. Let me just say that each week (sundays most likely), I’ll feature at least ONE guest blogger…Today, a lady. Her handle is @mohmahmee.

Before I start this piece,I should inform you first hand that I’m NOT a WRITER. I’m too lazy for that. In as much as I have a lot of deep thoughts dancing in my head begging for release with a pen, I’d like to leave them that way.

So I managed…..eventually to get off my lazy butt and write something, anything. My motivation being that my handwriting is taking the downward spiral…..quickly too. I mean who wears glasses to read their own handwriting please!!?!?

So I decided to write a story about an experience I had with a chicken. Ok that was the cue to slam your phone in disappointment.
Oh well*shrugs*
*tales by moonlight story mode activated*(change outfit to wrapper tied around my neck. oh wait that’s for boys right?what d hell,I make anything look sexy..heehee)

Disclaimer:
This is a scarring story with scenes of animal violence and blood. The faint hearted can back out now. I almost passed out when it happened so I won’t judge. Well, then again I was 10 so I might still judge…..

Okay,so the time was christmas. The day was actually christmas eve.
All the murderers had gone out and by murderers I mean my mum and my aunt.
My mum had gone out to do last minute shopping and my aunt had gone to make her hair.
My mum had assigned ‘christmas’ chores to me and my sister. You know those chores that your mother subtly threatens you with and makes it look like christmas was hanging by dat one chore and if you didn’t do it,christmas might actually not ‘hold’ dat year?…..yea those chores.
We had finished them and because my 10yr old girl memory is failing me at the moment and I don’t recall everything,I’d say knowing how vain my sister is, she was probably trying on her christmas dress for the umpteenth time and rehearsing her grand entrance into the church in my parents room and me,well I was devising a means to eating everything and not getting full fast(what!!cut me some slack mehn, I was 10. My apologies if I wasn’t reeking of spirituality and sober reflection on the ‘true meaning’ of christmas).

My dad called us. I imagine the tone of his voice would have automatically distorted my delicious reverie as I jump down from my double bunk bed(best believe I still sleep in that bed till now. No,I’m not shitting you)
His next words begin our scarring story. “Get that hot water,grab a basin and knife, we’re going to kill the christmas chicken”

You’re probably thinking what can possibly go wrong? A coupla kids under the adult supervision of their dad killing the chicken for christmas. If anything, this should be cute.
Yea, it would be cute and all…till you know the ‘killing team’

Character summary
My dad
My dad is a loving,caring,dedicated man…….yea and he’s also a WUSS!
He never participates in any killing of any sort. Rats always had a field day with him around. However, he will be more than happy to motivate whoever is willing to do the honours with words of encouragement and the exact location of the rat.
Me
Everything like the character ‘my dad’ except the fact that I don’t kill and I don’t even watch. I just sit in the corner with my feet up and scream and sometimes break into an uncontrollable fit of inexplicable tears.
My younger sister
Murderer wannabe.

Yea so you now see why this was a wrong idea. I was about to look at my sister and tell her with my eyes how this was such a terrible idea just to see she was as happy as a reindeer and my dad was her santa. My dad just looked at me with a look that said: “fear fear girl,my friend grow some balls”. Well, I did say it was a look. We do a lot of ‘looks’ in my family

My dad boldly went into the store to get the chicken. We followed. He bent to pick the chicken, the chicken freaked,my dad backed out. He nervously smiled and said was: “Ahn ahn,this chicken is quite strong oo”. I gave him a look that said: “seriously, strong? There’s no other word in d world. You weigh an entire forest of chickens and this one is suddenly the king spartan of their tribe!”. “Take it downstairs” my dad said.
We went downstairs and my sister was already set with the knife and the chicken. I was with the basin and the hot water.

He held the chicken down, my sister assisted not because she was asked to, just because she could almost see herself gisting my mum excitedly on how she had earned her place as a ‘killer’ too. All the while,she still had that silly gleam in her eyes. Me, well I was making sure my safe running space was clear at all times.
Infact now that I think about it,I don’t even know why I was summoned on this wife-impressing mission. I was just as useful as the basin in the whole frenzy!

Now,the rest of the events that occur from this point is a blur.
My dad poured a little hot water on the chicken,I think that was his ‘anaesthetic’ to weaken the chicken. My sister held it down. They both looked so serious like they knew what they were doing. Bollocks!!! I wasn’t falling for that bullshit. My running space was still clear.
My dad put the knife in its throat, but couldn’t quite hit the kill button. Chicken panicked. Blood splattered. My dad freaked and let it go. My sister freaked and let it go and well, that stupid gleam was finally gone. That was my cue to run for a diamond medal!

In a heartbeat, our chicken was running with a slightly cut neck out of the building.
My brain froze but in all the brain freeze there was still a little transmission that came into the walkie talkie “that’s our christmas chicken running out of the building! Over!!”
Now I wasn’t really afraid that if it ran out and mixed with other white chickens it would be lost forever and we wouldn’t know ours. I trusted that a particular ‘special’ chicken with a dangling neck would be hard to miss anyday. It was just that my dad, the person to save the day looked like he’d just seen a ghost . Once again I gave him a look “even if this thought for some weird reason crosses your mind ever again,don’t involve me EVER, we can bond with something else!”
My sister was already out chasing it. A guy that lived in my neighbourhood and knew us saw her chasing this ‘thing’ that closely resembled a chicken.

Poor guy,God bless his soul saved christmas by the friggin’ bell!
He picked the chicken with such expertise took it back in,killed it properly,even helped us take out the feathers. The scene looked familiar. OH YEA!! That was how the pros did it dammit!
Much later, the murderers came back, they all expressed their shock and demanded to know who the new ‘hit man’ was. My sister gave them an ‘education’ of the story,gesticulating at intervals.

My mum dryly turned to my dad finally and said “but, who sent you?” Then she broke down and started laughing.
Till this day, I always prefer we do frozen chicken. My mum says there’s a difference, I say YI-to-tha-fucking-MU! Frozen chicken any day mehn.
My dad still looks for stuff to bond with. Less life threatening events anyway..thankfully. Like watching super-story together. I rebelled by making him watch ‘friends’. Nowadays, we just sit and talk.

My hands are bleeding from writing all this and at the time of writing this,I’m making a mental note to buy that book from nursery school with red and blue lines for my handwriting

Thanks for reading and I’m grateful kelvin let me guest blog. please comment and go easy on me abeg, its my first time. Do share scarring experiences too.

 

BurN afTer ReAdinG

Ha! Did this Twitter message bring you here: “The Post you are about to read shall be up for only 3 hours after which it shall be subsequently taken down! Enough said.RT for general good ”
If it did, first tell youself “I’m a gbeborun”, second, applaud my “get them to read tactics”, third, it feels like April 1st all over again innit? Buhahaha…

Anyways, great to have you here again. The piece below ought to have come up on saturday but well…I wasn’t done and 2. I was ‘moved’ to do the ‘Winning’ post based on the blog awards thingy. Here’s thanking everyone who voted and made this possible. Y’all rock…here we go then…

“Water, e no get enemy!” Famous lyrics of a very famous song! However, recent occurrences have caused me to wonder about the truth in these words. Am I saying that the famous Fela was a false prophet? NO!! I just don’t know any fella called Prophet Fela…do you? I thought not!

So, it was a Sunday morning and as early as 6am, the heavens began to weep! What started off as just normal sobs eventually turned out to be something akin to a Mushin raised child crying because he stole meat from the pot that morning, was caught and was told the dreaded words: “Wait till your father gets back!” You know that feeling right? When you know your father will beat the hell out of you and the thought of it makes you cry from the moment you hear it till the moment he walks in! Yup that’s how the rain ‘cried’ all day.

It didn’t even help that it was a Sunday and church choirs couldn’t just decide to be smart…they decided to go ‘with the flow’, singing songs like “Open the Floodgates of heaven”, ‘Let the rain of your presence fall”, “Showers of blessings” amongst others…As the rains increased, I’m sure these choristers must have felt ‘at sea’ with the effect they had made. However, I doubt even their faith could have prepared them for what lay ahead.

*PAUSE*REWIND*

SATURDAY

Yeah, we’ll get back to Sunday but let’s review the events of epic Saturday, shall we? The saturday when a certain blogPost shook the foundations of the Twitter community..For those of you last carriers who didn’t get to read it, fear not! Its not deleted, its privatised. Once we get sponsors, we’ll put it out again (and wow,, them voltrons went in hard on the comments mayne..lol).. I’ve been asked for my side of d story too often, what’s here is an abridged summary though..

Woke up in the morning and I get off my feet, say a Thank you prayer and I grabbed my phone to tweet…(lyrics fail me here).. .moving on… then I saw the subs…Ha!!! They were like missiles from left, right and center..”…sore Loser withanL” WOW! This is what Libya must feel like, I thought to myself. So I walked to the dining area and settled to breakfast, scrolled through my TL and took it all in with a pinch of salt…lol. Them subs kept coming and now even more directly.”Na me be this? Oh Lawdy Lawd!”. Here’s the thing yeah?

“Power isn’t determined by how hard you hit when pushed to the wall, but how well you can refrain from hitting!”

Let’s just say that I could be a good power horse advertiser..haha! Through all the insults and abuse, my concern was for Slim and how she must be handling it, oh! She was strong through it all, though she almost cracked and wanted to respond at some point! (Me too sef)..safe to admit that some things written in the post could have been avoided (no doubt) but I ain’t/wasn’t gonna cower and leave her to herself. HECK NO!!! (But mehn, you guys can yab sha! I mean from whence came all the creativity?) Some people who hardly tweet became all so vocal, it was really nice to see..Kai! There were some who changed handles! Jeez!! I was too slow, woulda claimed ’em!!
Oh! It was a good day, I got calls from strangers, some applauding, some threatening, one revealing *wink*, Pings every second, my blog had its highest visit count ever 3241 in a day and she had 5425 at last count. More people subscribed, and as is common in cases like this, follower count increased..S/O to all new followers..God go make you Bigger!

Unfortunately for me, my battery ‘died’ at about 1pm (curse you BB!) and I missed out..i returned much later after charging to see that #WithAnL was trending…yay! Me!!! It wasn’t just trending in lagos, it was trending WORLDWIDE (Check Trendsmap.com for details)…haha. I wonder if this was what the Bible meant when it said “your name will go places your feet haven’t” (paraphrased). While all this was going on, my ‘boys’ were eating at some wedding reception (weldone o! Vic, Femi and Toks) , my own voltrons were missing, basically non-existent (please how can I recruit voltrons? Pls apply within abeg). Slim and I felt like Bonnie n’ Clyde..it was “we against the Tworld” and the Tworld seemed to be winning *sniffs* S/O to @SamanthaSiren for having our backs though!

Anyways sha, there were lessons learnt, friends, haters and enemies revealed. yeah! I see you…the most painful was when someone who I considered a ‘friend’ took so much pleasure in cc-ing me into some particular tweets and subbing the shit outta me! (Yeah you) E pain! I no go lie!!! I’m off that though but the ‘friendship?’…nah, don’t think its worth it!

Anyway, like every other Twitter issue, we are on to the next one! And oh! The theories that arose were just hilarious..PS: My post ‘SERIOUSLY 1 and 2’ has NOTHING to do with TPN.

*FAST FORWARD*PLAY*

So, the rains poured down all day and the whole of VI looked like the scenery for TITANIC 2. I’m like WTF? (What tha flood?) Someone had asked “God why?” and I wonder if God was thinking, “if I could just find one Noah in VI to build an ark”… but do you know anyone by the name Noah in this time and age? My thoughts exactly! Its funny though cos while many were stranded as a result of the floods, many others in the comfort of their homes were making good use of the weather! S/O to the kids that will be born on April 20th 2012. Me I was at GET Arena literally chilling with my boys (@freshPrinzVick, MallamSawyerr, OlaToxic and jonNeski), girls (stephHailey, d3ola, boukkieO) and my girl (Slim))…Details of this ‘adventure’ coming to a blog near you (not mine!)

Life is funny you know. Somehow, disorganization seems to reveal who we really are. Guys, if you want to know that chic for real, wait till she’s in a messy situation. I saw chics who normally will strike me as those that never fart or eat beans and stuff. You know them now, they’re all over The palms…yeah! Those heel wearing, cat walking, BB pressing types. You should have seen what they morphed into…heels in hands, muttering words that had no semblance to their usual ‘yeah’ ‘finna’ and ‘innit’…stuff sounded like “iru ojo wo leleyii gaan” and if you as much as said ‘Hi’, you’ll get something like “ab’oloshi ni e nii?”

Babes were not smiling o! Brazilian hair and wigs gone ‘down the drain.’ haha! One lady’s wig developed a mind of its own and was far ahead of her in the flood..she was caught between the wig and the deep brown flood! Eventually, she decided to ditch the wig (some guy will remedy that afterall)… And for the guys, it didn’t matter if you were in a Range or a G-class, if it wasn’t a 180horsePowered, wooden interior, alloyed paddle CANOE, then you were not winning! You couldn’t pick the chics cos no one wants to push in the event you enter a hole or the car just stops.

*sidebar* I’ve ordered my neighborhood carpenter Monsuru (who sits in a corner wearing Dolce & Gabanna) to get on the canoe making job for me..i cant carry last!

Ok, at this point, I’m wondering where I’m going with this…errrmm..I should just stop, yeah? Yup! I thought so too! You could have told me earlier that you were tired though, *shrugs* ah well..wrapping up…I just wanna…oh fack it.

*drops BB*

 

WinNinG

3:05am Saturday, July 16th 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen on Twitter who ought to be sleeping but are not, probably because of these awards, No light hence major discomfort, have no beds cos you’ve been out clubbing or for whatever reason…The award for Most Humorous Blog goes to…

@naijablogawards: The Most Humourous Blog is KevinWithanL’s My Scroll…You Scroll… Visit http://ow.ly/5FRKY

*applause applause applause*

*Winning ‘Team’ song plays* kpakorokpa kpakorokpa kpomkpom kporokpotom…Baby Sawaleh..

Walks up stage with #WithAnL fami_y and #TeamSawaleh

Wow! What a night this has been for me, I mean 8 hours ago, I was stuck in Oshodi Traffic..it wasn’t funny mehn.. who woulda ‘thunk’ that hours later I’ll be here receiving this award for Most Humorous Blog…lol
But anyways thanks are in order *clears throat* wait Mrs Organiser, amn’t I supposed to have like some plaque to hold while I make this speech? Why am I just clutching my kpalasa Curve 2? At least, give me a Bold 4 or sumn..

Ah well, first of all like everyone does (even though they sure as hell don’t mean it), I’ll like to thank God for being there for me (looks up at ceiling), then I wanna thank the lady who drove me to blogsville after breaking my heart in August, I also wanna thank ‘Barbie’ for giving me lotsa tales to write about in them early days while I was chasing her (yeah I didn’t get her) , mehn shit wasn’t even funny then! (Read Experience, Twitterave and older posts) Its weird how I’ve gone from ‘heart ranter’ to funny…

I shoulda prepared a list but you know how it can pain when you go through your pocket days from now and see that list and realise “kai! I didn’t win sha”..yeah..e can pain!
So I’m just doing this freestyle like Wizkid on the ‘Tease Me’ song..roit!

I wanna thank etisalat, MTN, glo and airtel for allowing people have access to the internet during the nomination n voting period..I know MTN guys didn’t find it easy but mehn 3K BIS cannot waste o!
ShoutOut to all the browsing cheat users, if not for your cheats, some opera mini fans would have dulled. All My SnapTu people, thank you..
Same goes to my yahoo yahoo boys with multiple e-mail addresses (I DON’T know you o) but weldone and I hail!

Shout Out to all my Twitter people who voted, mehn, couldn’t have done this without you, all those who RT’ed, nominated and subsequently cast their vote! Like Nigeria to the IMF, I’m in your debt…emm..when 9ja clears its debt, I’ll consider paying mine too 😀
My BlogFam..you guys are definitely the best, taking out time to ‘advertise’ the voting links and categories on yours…all those who kept my blog rolling with their guest articles; Bee, Slevin and Bule..thanks…grateful doesn’t quite cut it! Bless your hearts

To fellow nominees, I woulda loved to say ‘I feel u’ but I don’t! Ha! In your face suckers!!! *dougies* Just kidding lol…without you, there’s no me! Haha! #winning!!! Kelvin behave!! God go make you bigger? No? Keep doing you jare..Y’all rock #NoRolling

And Lastly, those who hate, emmm…yes I didn’t get any cash award (damn!) Neither did I get a new BB (this is a coded plea) but in the immortal words of Nas “you wanna hate me, then hate me, what can I do?” Quit hating and famz while opportunity _asts #WithanL! Oh and thanks for making #WithanL become a world trending brand!

Is this the part where I tell y’all that I promise to do better and churn out more nice stuff? Well emmm..I pray o! Cos my laziness these days can only be matched by D’prince reciting nursery rhymes in place of a thought up verse! But I’ll try sha

So Dear Organisers, im’ma stop here but allow me sha, HOW ON EARTH DID @thetoolsman NOT WIN ANYTHING?

Keep it coming bruv…To me and plenty others, you ARE our BLOGGER OF THE YEAR!

Comments/Answers/Theories anyone?

*#TeamSawaleh out..kpakorokpa kpakorokpa*

 

MusT ReaD

Wow! What a weekend!!! I don’t know where to start, how to proceed or even where to drop anchor (lol)…but anyways, allow me say here that y’all made my weekend most memorable. For those visiting here for the second time (many visited on saturday), here’s the bell of bless 4u..*gbagaun gbagaun* 😀 ..to all new followers on Twitter, do hola for a follow back 😀 #TeamSawaleh you guys rock pieces! S/0 to @FreshPrinzVick @MallamSawyerr @OlaToxic @SlimSiren @StephHailey @d3ola and all those who came through (the rains and flood) @Thetoolsman weldone o! Shebi TheToolswoman ‘rocked your boat’..you shall be summoned!

Anyway, I ain’t writing today..lol..nice catchy Topic eh? 😀 …here’s a piece from a great guy and brother..potential Sawaleh recruit..calls himself the “Love Doctor” hmm…Ladies, Gentlemen and things we can’t describe..its @bule_jr

Firstly let me thank @kevinWithanL for giving me an opportunity to add a scroll to this scroll.I was brought up well and taught to introduce myself whenever I was in front of a new audience if not na slap go follow, so I am Oluwafemi Adebule but from here on @bule_jr will be preferable.My Dear Rosebuds. *picks up pen from basket of Love*Kelvin has the funniest blog around and I write on relationships so when I got this invite I thought, I have to mix both of them with this blender of a brain I’ve got and what came out was #theawkwardmoment.On Twitter this #haRsh# tag has been thoroughly bastardised and half of those tweets are not even awkward, anyway that is not my forté, let Kelvin write on that another day.

But I am not talking about that. I am talking about those little awkward moments before you get intimate for the first time with someone you REALLY like. *if it wasn’t awkward for you, it means you are a very good badt guy and you shouldn’t be reading this post, you need a baba/uselu to pray for you* *adjusts halo and sips holier than thou juice*You don’t know what I’m still on about? Let me give you a few Seeeeenarios.

1. You have chased this girl for months, and after ‘catching’ her and hanging out a number of times you feel the need to err get ‘closer’ and exchange the product of your salivary gland. You drive her home and as you start to lean in, you decide to go left and she goes right and your foreheads do the first kissing *OUCH*. She says goodnight and giggles away. You drive home with not only a bruised head but a deflated spirit. Try again next time. :p

2. Lets assume you get beyond first base. As its your first kiss you are in deep thought whether to ‘tap current’ or not. You don’t want to be to forward and look like a desperate kind of guy. Your hands end up being in the ‘planking position’ throughout. That’s #winning.

3. Or you have planned the entire day in your head. Go to the spa for a massage, have some Chinese lunch, a movie and a nice dinner at the waterfront and then over some red wine you guys magically share that kiss and VOILA the Chinese you had for lunch gives her food poisoning and you have to cut everything short and take her home. #moneyhaswastedAnyway, these things happen. If they never did happen to you, it means you became a very bad guy at a young age and your case is now in the hands of the gods. 

Moving on, Let me do a bit of my stuff.  I have tried with the humour abi? If you don’t think its was funny, go plank on a hard set of nails. L. you’ve hurt my E.G.O.Talking about E.G.O.I was very late in reading Thetoolsman post on E.G.O and didn’t want to share a comment since I though it should drive a discussion I will share a few things.

By the way my close friend @banxman(afro says) calls me the love doctor, let me see if I can prove him right.Intelligence, Intelligence, Intelligence. What does it mean? How is it measured?  There are no intelligence scales on which you can weigh up a potential P and know whether you or the other person are compromising on who is more intelligent, or who has a vast depth of knowledge.The only thing that should count at the onset for me is chemistry and physical attraction.

After meeting and hanging out, you then find out what’s on the inside and whether the P is worth setting.I’ve seen people go to Ivy league schools home and abroad who are Olodos so trust me, there is no way of telling from a Facebook profile page oo. Eh ehn!! You have been warned.There’s a theory that in all relationships there is a reacher and a settler.Reacher: someone that is obviously ‘reaching’ for someone above their league.Settler: someone that’s settling for another below their usual standards.I say: BOLLOCKS. Absolute BOLLOCKS.Cant people just like one another and their social status and standing not be a factor?No 2 people are ever going to be on the same level. #dontarguejustacceptitCan you have equal intelligence? Equal Finances? Equal Travel experience? Equal knowledge? NOT POSSIBLE.

What makes a relationship for me is that you find someone in whom you do not have to form with and at all times you can just be you.Who cares if she has more money than you? As long as she ‘Genuinely’ likes you and doesn’t rub it in your face and respects and understands you, it shouldn’t ideally bring up any problem.You can see I said Ideally right? Because I know it doesn’t work that way.But as long as you have a plan for yourself and know are going somewhere you will and should be fine.

The problem is the upbringing we have had ensured that too much is expected from the man and women were expected to sit back and just watch. Times have changed albeit slowly but it has so catch up and stop living in the 19th century. By the way, CHI isn’t dead to me. Its in  an ice chamber cooling off.She likes Africa Magic and you are willing to watch a few ‘pointless’ Nollywood movies with her? And so?  If she watches the EPL with me walahi talahi we are cool and good to go.Guys: Do NOT go for a bimbo, you will tire soon enough. Find a girl that challenges you, a girl that will make you want to get more knowledge and upgrade yourself. Such that even if it ends you will easily look back and know the next girl that gets you is getting a better person.Girls:

Many admitted to liking a guy that is more intelligent, my advice is: its cool but don’t just sit there and waste away. Learn something from him. Find out what he likes that’s totally out of character for you and seek to understand it e.g. soccer, superbowl, NBA and Tennis. Trust me we really like the effort put in, and even though you might still not get it, you will have a whole new meaning to us. 😀

So I’m done. Two distinct issues but very entertaining to discuss.My take on the 2nd issue is fact, don’t argue with me, you can never win oh. Just concur and get gala and la caséra.So what awkward moments have you had when about to be intimate?What’s your take on the whole relationship issue?Feel free to share them. Its supposed to be fun. Or so I am told.

Please no comments like ‘First’ or (Y).. say something. You can’t be that boring. 😀 @bule_jr / love doctor signs out. *drops pen into basket of love*.Fades into sunset.Bye Rosebuds

 

BodY taLK

Hey people, thanks for dropping by, before we drop further into the post, please take time out to vote me (“My Scroll, You Scroll)” for ‘Most Humorous Blog’ at the Nigerian Blog Awards. Pls click here http://bit.ly/jGeCOj to vote me and all your favorite bloggers. Remember to check your inbox/spam/junkmail folders for a confirmation email to validate your vote. Thanks guys…

DISCLAIMER: This post is one of those ‘what tha hell’ kinda posts! If you are able to read and make sense out of this then…you are officially as…ah well, it was inspired by an old post done long ago by @exschoolnerd

Have you ever wondered how life would be if all parts of your body could talk? What would they say and stuff? Well there was a meeting in ‘HeadQuarters’ recently..if you don’t know what ‘headquarters’ is about, please scroll dowwwwnnn and read the post ‘In my Head’…so, me, myself and I decided to see how this would work. Here is the result.

“Ladies and Gentlemen and beings that we can’t really place (eg Weird MC), welcome to Left Side brain, I am the most important part of the body and I shall be your guide. My name is Mouth!
Eye: “You are the most important ke? Guy yimu! How dare you claim relevance where I exist? Can’t u see that without me the whole body is useless?
Mouth: Ode! U’re asking me if I can’t see, isn’t that your ONLY function? Oya what else do you actually do? Ehn? Answer now ‘lukman!’
Eye: *eyes mouth* bone o! I am the window to the world, Eye see things..you you’re just there to pout and stuff! *attempts to hiss, realises its not mouth*
Mouth: haha! Oya hiss now! Mtscheeew…look at this one..its paining u because I get all the goodies, the kisses, the food, lipstick, I get to go to places you have only seen but can’t touch!
Hands: Taaa!!!! Hold it right there, who’s talking about touching? You ehn! Na mouth you just get…
Mouth: duhhhh *attempts to roll eyes, realises its not eye*
Eye: Buhahaha! Oya roll now! Wannabe!
Hands: both of you should calm down, why are we even having this argument? Ok, shake hands and make up…
*realises futile statement*
Ok…kiss and…
*eyes roll* *mouth hisses and yimu’s*
Mouth: Hands go and rest inside one pocket somewhere jare…sensible parts are talking, you sef you’re forming involved.
Hands: I will slap you o!
Cheeks: heysss! Hol’ it o! Shey you know everytime you slap, its actually me you hit. I wonder what it is with your aim sef!
Mouth: *giggles* Slap now! And cheek remember what the bible says o…
Cheeks: will you shut your mouth?! Oh! I should stand and watch while he slaps me and then I should give him the other cheek eh?
Legs: well actually, its my job to stand…
Eyes: and mine to watch…
Cheeks: Fuck you all!
Penis: *rises to the occasion* did someone call?
Mouth: trust you to show up…
Penis: *nods* why so serious mouth? Miss me already?
Mouth: you know very well I don’t do your type…
Penis: yeah yeah, you don’t sound like it when you’re singing Lil’ Wayne’s ‘No Love’ though..
Ears: did I just hear sound?
Penis: *Nods and whispers* what’s up, apart from me?
Ears: oh down boy! Let’s not get all excited…so mouth you were saying?
Mouth: I was just talking about how I’m the most important part
Ears: Ehn! If I hear it?
Mouth: You just did duhhh…are you deaf?
Eyes: shey you see?
Ears: who me? How the heck am I supposed to see, isn’t that YOUR job?
Mouth: you all stink!
Nose: do I smell sarcasm eh? You know this because…???
Mouth: dude, free me jare…
Nose: no o! You will tell me what you know about stench today. Do you know what its like down below while you are ‘blowing’ things?
Penis: oh wow! I’ve gotta hear this…
Ears: yeah, I’m all ears…
Hands: *rubs together*
Nose: answer me mouth or have you lost your tongue?
Mouth: No comment!
Nose: no you must talk o! You just put your mouth everywhere, kissing other ‘lips’..I bear the pain and stigma of odours you will never know…
Mouth: well, what can I say? Come to think of it sef, who is responsible for sexual desires? As in who causes the desire to arise?
Hands: *points to eyes*
Eyes: what? So u’re saying Stevie has no sexual desires? #noWonder… All I do is look juh…*raises eyebrow*
Mouth: well they say “the eyes NEVER lie,” so I believe you…I guess I stimulate the physical act though, along with hands…
Hands: ah well…I no get mouth!
Penis: and I only come ‘in’ when mouth and hands are done…
Nose: eeeewww…y’all are just messed up!

*PuUUURRRHHHH*

Mouth: what the fuck?
Nose: oh here we go again…
Ears: choi!!!
Hands: *covers nose*
Penis: deflates

Ass: Y’all need to sit down…my MESSage: “True relevance isn’t found in the multitude of your words but the silence that accompanies your presence!”

*a fart makes all the difference!”

Who runs the world? Fart in a room and see