>Dateline: January 28th 198… 3:27am…A hospital in Surulere (though I tell people it was jand sha..)
Doctor: “Push ma’am, Push, just a little harder…I can see d head, yes PUSH!!
Lady: mmmhhhmm… what do u think im doing u punk?! Pulling?? Mmhhmm
Man: Honey, u can do it! YES U CAN (and u think Obama was d first? Hmm KMT) Just a lil’more..!! PUSH!!
Lady: mmhhmmm…one more word out of u and I swear next time, u’re d one going to be screaming while the Dentist PULLS out teeth from your mangled mouth..mmhmmm!!!
Doctor: It’s coming…It’s coming… c’mon…
Man: Yes!!! Yes!!! Ye… (hushes up as lady turns to look at him)
Lady: mtscheew!! Bunch of sissy’s, now stealing my lines…mmhmmm!!!
SILENCE!!! ( NEPA takes light)
Doctor: it’s a BOY…!!!
Man: isn’t he supposed to come out crying?
Lady: Hello? Can someone pls cut this line thingy?
Child: (looks around at all in the room) *sighs* “jeez! NEPA!! I’ve been scammed, this isn’t jand!”
Yeah, the above is the story of my birth as witnessed by me while coming outta d womb, whaddyu mean iz a lie, were u there? Was it your mother’s womb? Plix abegabegabeg leave my loif.. ehen jare, as I was saying…I’ve always been a crème kid (thanx 2d constant flooding of my embryo dwelling with cream, u get?)…and u can’t blame my shock and surprise when I came out and was greeted by immediate power outage. Ah ahn! As in,shock did not allow me cry sef and they were all staring at me waiting for me to cry, couldn’t they see (pun intended) that a more devastating thing had just occurred? NEPA: Keeping candle makers in business since 1960!! Smh…
So born, bred and buttered in lagos; Nigeria..life had to go on. Don’t be scared, this isn’t an autobiography on me (Chinamanda abi Chimananda) is working on that as you read, this is just a pause and an opportunity to look back and be thankful for some certain things in me life….Life they say is short, no wonder MI is living it to the fullest.
Some days away from now(depending on when u read this) is my birthday, I’ve had lots of them in the past (obviously) and every one of them provides me with d opportunity to plan ahead, receive gifts, have fun and hangout with those I love etc..This time though, for the sake of posterity I’ve decided to also look back and find some things to be thankful for and of course, share it with y’all. So indulge me will ya…
• For my parents doing the deed (im sure it happened while they were celebrating my dad’s birthday which is in April), I’ve done my calculations and it all adds up!…if they didn’t do when they did, maybe I won’t have been the lucky sperm
• For my mum who carried me about safely for 9 months without shame or gra gra…also cos she ate well and healthy, if not I would have come out looking like TerryG…drugged from the womb
• For the Doctor and Nurses at the hospital in Surulere who administered the right care although I really won’t have minded an AC tight room with DSTV for my first night on earth, is that too much to ask?
• For my big bro and sis who did not decide to throw me into a pit like joseph out of jealousy…They nurtured me till I was 4 and then jetted out of the country leaving me at the mercy of Iya Rashidi’s kids next door as playmates, Thanx to my folks who refused me the opportunity to run round d street with my rainbow pant chasing tyre… I somehow managed to stay posh.
• For the people responsible for suggesting and giving me names during my naming ceremony…I’ve got 5 names by the way, Thank God none is Morufu, Testimony, Akpohwowo or such..u guys chose well.
• For my lesson teachers from Ghana that raised me in the lingua of Queen’s English..(shey u guys had Ghanian lesson teachers too abi?) I think most kids in lag did!…they’re also responsible for the fact that my pidgin English is WACK! I dey try sha on blogs and twirra.But in real life, i suck: like Angelina Jolie on Spaghetti (dry abi? thank u..ga’an write ur own)
• For my primary and sec sch days…the fact that I always came 1st (yeske dis is not a faboo) …helped grow my confidence…i stopped coming 1st when I entered JSS 1 sha but my kids don’t have to know that, do they?
• For my first girlfriend ‘Ada’ in KG2… she taught me how to prove love- I always ate the remnants of sharpened pencil just 4 her and chalk was my mouth’s best friend, we broke up when I entered Nur 1
• For my second girlfriend ‘Omolere’ in Nur 2 who was my seatmate, we always played the “what is under my uniform game” …ehen, why r u looking at me like that? Didn’t you play it too? See pot calling brand new kettle black!
• For my friends down the years, some have stayed, others have strayed but facebook has an annoying way of making them find you..they will now be trying to famz again..mtschheeeww..
• For my church and the light it shone on my path…though that was where I met my first real girlfriend who gave me my first real kiss that led to my first real…iz not whatchuthink u perv’s…my first real petting session #ThatIsALL..The babe was in Vivian Fowler and if u have ‘experienced’ a vivian fowler girl here,i mean, the ‘spirit’ hovered over the ‘dry land’ and it became fruitful..i feel like preaching..can i get an AMEN! Thank u! pls sit down, we’re just talking.she was also my first Val and she footed d bill o! Lord, i miss those days!
• For my University (UniBen) that taught me clearly through first hand experience that Jesus is the way, the Truth and the Life, Cult recruitment that I escaped by the whiskers..it was Matric day parry they called it..Me, i didnt know, it was woman
(she wont read this so i can mention her name: Chichi) that carried me there o, i was in 100 level and was already setting my ‘priorities’.She was in Law, i was in engineering (perfect).Darris how me i followed her, i didnt even get to dance with d girl sef cos she was HOT like that and bigger boys surrounded her..i vexingly left at 11.30pm, recruitment started past midnight…and if u heard of Uniben in 2003, u’d know that cult wasn’t moi moi or beans! I somehow, inspite of lotsa advances managed to stay out! Saw lots of people lose their lives around me in the most gruesome of ways but lets not dwell on that 2day..
• Still for Uniben and my campus fellowship that gave me leadership responsibility..all through till I rose to the peak position of president (no PDP rigging involved o..) y’all surprised? Don’t be..!!
• For my girlfriends in University: R,C,I ,those I had ‘interactions’ with; U,C,A,F…when I consider the money spent on y’all and the fact that I’m d one that is single now, it makes me wanna SCREAM!!! As in ah ah..after all was said, nothing was done! Decode that!!!
• For my first girlfriend in Uni: ‘R’ (we dated for almost 4 yrs, 100level-400level): she is getting married on Mar 5th..guess what guys, I’m gonna be the MC of that wedding..from potential groom to MC..how are the mighty fallen? I didn’t even get Bestman seeing as the Groom is my friend…eez a long tori jor…BTW, dyu know that the BESTMAN, originally from old tradition ought to be the guy who failed in the quest to get the girl? He plays the role as a sign of allegiance and honour to the new couple…think I’m kidding? Google that stuff! So ‘R’ im thankful for (1) bringing out d poet in me- I cant remember how many poems I wrote just 4 u, ensuring one was read to u aloud by your roommates at exactly midnight on ur birthday in ur hostel. (2) The struggle with @Rated_X for ur hand in relationship, Thanx for picking me sha…eat ur heart out X, we shall sit and share wine at d losers table on d wedding day *shrugs* (3) im also thankful for u o..being d FIRST girl to DUMP me, bcos u were about graduating n wanted 2 marry. That was 2007! Dis is 2011 . Na now u dey marry o!! mtscheeew God dey sha!! PLS IT IS NOT PAINING ME !!!
• For ‘C’…thanx for coming into my life after R stepped out, U are solely responsible for making me the man I have become today! YES U!!! Ahem!! U know it o..of course I still remember all, and in detail too..oh! sorry guys, did I leave u behind? My mind was doing a Bolton on me…as much as I would like to use some of these people’s twitter handles, wait…Let me ask ‘C’ for permission (at this point, I asked for permission ‘C’ said no problem!) but…find her amongst my followers, her handle starts with ‘S’ and ends with a vowel similar to one of those in towel
• For all the girls in between ‘C’ and ‘I’ that didn’t make the cut, thanks for filling in the gaps
• For ‘I’ my last relationship…details in previous posts abeg..
• For Obasanjo, thanx so much for bringing GSM to Nigeria and saving me from the hassles of NITEL cards and phone tapping- everytime my parents locked d phone to stop us from calling…y’all did that stuff too abi? Buhahaha… criminals!!!
• For all my GSM phones that kept me in contact with the world starting with my Sagem Mc920 – Nokia 3310-Motorola Talkabout-Samsung R220 (bluescreen)-Telital-Motorola V50-Nokia 6600 (my first coloured screen camera phone)-Sony Ericsson-Nokia 5300-Nokia n73-China TV phone (hehehe)-Nokia E71- Nokia 5330 (dstv)-BB.
Lets play a game shall we? Try and list out all the phones u’ve used in d comments area after commenting o!!!
• For cybercafés and the Internet that have now almost put NIPOST out of biz, what’s NIPOST? Kai!! Some of u have NEVER even been to the post office in your life…smh. Cybercafés that extorted us to open email addresses #200 to open e-mail a/c WTF??? (What’s that for?),..what did we do in cafes in those days sef? 250/hour to browse and chat with white people we dont know and we will be feeling cool with ourselves. shior!!… see why im thankful?
• For Hi5 and facebook: my first social network experience responsible for reconnecting me with almost extinct friends from the past, seeing how far they’ve come, the singles, married and knocked up. Really though, no matter how we might all ‘HATE’ Fb now, we cannot ignore d days of humble beginnings, the days when FB was the air we breathe, when we felt on top of d world whenever we paste a ‘smart’ quote and we get 70 comments; most of which are our own back and forth discussions…FB was our home, our drug, we sought for cheats to ensure we were always online, the blue and white interface brought undescribed joy to our days but all of a sudden, we can’t seem to ignore the abundant GBAGAUNS and meaningless chatter that goes on there nowadays..inboxes full of love letters of EPIC confusion…*naetoC’s voice “things are not d same..”
• And that brings me to Twitter, im thankful that there is a getaway called twitter (though I wonder how long b4 we all get tired of it or it gets infiltrated by FB peeps). Well for now, im so grateful cos here, I’ve met and I have the most wonderful family n friends. I cant mention handles cos i might leave some folks out, u guys are d bomb, For my nuclear Twitfam, u know urselves, Those i just met, #TeamOzone and those i’m yet to meet, u guys really rock!! As in, the opportunities are endless, whichever state in d country I am, I can hola @ someone and have a great time…here there are potential associates, biz partners and who knows after all this play-play and flirt-flirt, maybe a wife!
• Lastly but not lastly…(go figure), I wanna thank God for the gift of life and another year, I don’t just wanna MAKE IT COUNT, at the end, I wanna COUNT what I MADE of IT.
Its my birthday on the 28th of January peeps, feel free to DM credit, BBM credit, SMS credit, just gimme some friggin’ credit so that the ministry can keep moving!
Im popping a bottle of Swan water here on behalf of the GBAGAUN detectors and HATERS, im standing on the pavement of the 3rd mainland bridge, now pouring a drop into the ocean, when u find it, I’ll have your time…MTSCHEEEEW!!!
*Insert your favourite Africa Magic igbo Soundtrack here*
TO GOD BE THE GLORY