iN thE NewS

28 Jul

Good Morning/ Afternoon/ Evening.
Welcome to the Twitter news at 7. Here are the headlines:
New vocabulary added to the English Language.
Popular Musician dies.
Twitter Oracle releases plans for Amnesty Programme.
Enigma mania grabs Nigeria And in Style…
We look at what went wrong at the Harsh party.
And now the details…

Language, like change, is a constant variable and this is evident daily as new words spring up and seemingly find their way to our everyday vocabulary. This has been evident in the month of July as lots of words have surfaced and subsequently submerged their predecessors. If you are still using words like superstar, mermaid, hills, self esteem etc then you are so old school and you really need that Upgrade that Beyoncé so generously offered. These words amongst others have been replaced thus:
Superstar—> Soup or Star
Mermaid—-> Marmade
Hills—> heels (interchange at will)
Self Esteem—> selves of steam
Finna—> (I still don’t get this one, sounds really retarded to me)
Do well to inculcate this into your lingo and avoid carrying last.

Popular musician, Emily Wineshack dies mysteriously. As usual, lots of theories surrounding the circumstances of her death have risen. Some say she was on her way to popular club in Lagos ‘rehab’ when she met rapper Overdose, There was ‘a diction’ misunderstanding and then in the scuffle that ensued, she inhaled her last breath…(Bollocks) …Another school of little thought says she decided to go underground for a while, ended up in the cellar of her house and like her surname shows, that wasn’t a safe place to be!
We join millions of people on Twitter and BBM who knew her all of a sudden and we say RIP sister Emily.

Public Enemy no 1 on Twitter, Mazi Oracle has done it again. Information reaching us indicate that this potential father who gets off while engaging 19 year old girls in Tweetfights has instituted a new programme. This program called TAP (Twitter Amnesty Programme) is aimed at granting pardon to some people he had previously blocked!
Ok! Hold it jare! What is it sef? This thing is entering this dude’s head too much. first he torments us with dumb ass questions on the regular, then his brain touches and he tweets dumber ‘facts’ gotten from his left toe, and then regularly ‘fights’ with girls but keeps mute when guys get at him…aaarrrggh *pulling imaginary hair out* taps chest, All iz vell, All iz vell*
But ‘TAP’ though? Someone better tell this dude to stop taking Twitter too seriously and concentrate on the job we hear he has. Or he should just apply to Twitter to be Nigerian branch president. TF!!! TAP my ass! Literally o!

Nigerians woke up on one day like that to the gist of a $2000 prize for anyone who can drop the tightest rap on the Enigma beat dropped by none other than producer extraodina-BabaJay (no free adverts here). As the news spread like Sharon stone’s legs in Basic instinct, every Obinna, Mufutau and Taofeek ‘jumped on the beat’ and attempted to churn out a masterpiece. The aftermath has been amazing ranging from classic WOW’s to the downright ‘#UdonMeanIt’. Some people sha, God will forgive you for the links you tweeted. If Shouting is your idea of rap, then our bus conductors are madly Talented. Yes! This is a news sub!
As for Vic-O, Why? #ThatIsAll
However, here is a sample of my favorite so far, its by @DaviDamage Listen, be blessed and be illuminated

In style and entertainment, we wanted to bring you pictures of the Harsh party that went down recently in the city of Lagos. However, we did not want to be responsible for the images that could ruin your belief in the youth and their fashion sense.
We had superman visit (never knew he was black), we had university bastards in attendance, girls dressed as their favorite food (wrapped moin moin), sweaters and knee high boots (I’m guessing just incase there was a flood) boys in cropped pants looking all gay and shiii, and the oracle even graced the human event.

Maybe it was the red carpet concept that disillusioned many as the outfits are better seen than explained. Check out the pictures here

And that has been the newsround this hour, be sure to visit your Timeline often for more Breaking News and Trends. As long as the lord is on the ‘thrown’ we will do our best to keep you abreast.
This broadcast was brought to you by Maltina..My name is @KevinWithanL

If you have any latest words we can add to the dictionary, please use the comment box to share. Additional news snippets are also welcome.


Posted by on July 28, 2011 in RantDom


64 responses to “iN thE NewS

  1. leonmacedon

    July 28, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    LMAO.!!! …missed the Amnesty update on my TL, thanks for bringing it to (us). Will tune in same post

  2. BragginRightz

    July 28, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Damn I’m second!! Be Right Back *Cocks gun & shoots the 1st person to comment* …. Now,whr were we?

    • leonmacedon

      July 28, 2011 at 3:49 pm

      *bullet bounces of Armor* ODENCHI! *aiming rocket launcher at you. releases trigger**

  3. dhamyhan

    July 28, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Missed d TAP too …..but ‘Emily Wineshack’….Laff has killt me dead…

  4. lauryn

    July 28, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    ‘Kiriwo-nigma’ toh loud! Lmao. A̳̿ mill hugs just 4 diss’… 😀 u rock,

  5. tobi amoo

    July 28, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    is this meant to work as a Twitter round up?

  6. Giammatti

    July 28, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    LMAO at Twitter Amnesty Programme….Mazi Oracle oooo

  7. lauryn

    July 28, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    ‘Kiriwonigma’ toh loud…. Lmao… God bless u for this… 😀

  8. Thelma

    July 28, 2011 at 3:43 pm


  9. Eromzy

    July 28, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Couldn’t stop laughing when i saw dat Oracle introduced ‘Twitter Amnesty Program’. like WTF?

  10. WithOutAnL

    July 28, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Kelvin, free Paul(Oracle). I remember Izien said he dislike bloggers yet he showed you his respect on-air (103.1). Leave the dude alone.
    PS: I’m not anybody’s voltron

  11. wordsofanaries

    July 28, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Hahahaha u 4got anti-perspective (perspirant). Seriously, who needs TV when there’s twitter, nigerian branch? The dramas there alone are enough 2 inspire a hollywood flick. And twitter oracle needs 2 give it a rest. The effect of joblessness and a desperate need for attention is beginning 2 tell on his ever-shrinking blackened brain. Spot on as always KevinWith Anal 🙂 🙂

  12. Slim

    July 28, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Duuuuuuuude!!! Just when I thought you acquired sanity!!

    Love love LOVE this!!!!

    • Kelvin

      July 28, 2011 at 6:28 pm

      Happens when I’m away from u…Aerosmith said it!

  13. BoukkieO

    July 28, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    buhahahaahha! yeeee! LMAO!

  14. cerah

    July 28, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Really nice. Talking abt Vocabs….
    Lately I hear “killed it” in place of “Nailed it”
    Or so,dunno if its old though

  15. Rated X

    July 28, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    TAP? WTF is that? Some people need a life sha. And nice of you to sneak the Enigma link right past us. Trust me we didn’t notice. No free ad my a**. But I like this, a fresh break from your usual. Re-invention maybe? Ratings: 4 stars

  16. Nugwa

    July 28, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Vic-O on enigma… *I died*

    • BoukkieO

      July 28, 2011 at 4:20 pm

      *holding my sides and shaking with laughter*

  17. terdoh

    July 28, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    “Obinna, Mufutau and Taofeek” tho? I laughed hard at Mazi Oracle’s TAP programme! Emily Wineshack? Kelvin, haba! I almost broke my poor phone.

    You sure you don’t want to start your own Tatafo Today?

    And all of you hating on Vic O, I just want to say that you people are jealous cos he has made it and I don’t care “what y’all niggahs say”!


  18. terdoh

    July 28, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Oh yeah! And Throne —» Thrown. (How could you forget that! You’re a twitter celeb!)

    • Kelvin

      July 28, 2011 at 4:13 pm

      Check last paragraph bruv…it didn’t slip me! Lol.

  19. Rated X

    July 28, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Just been through the Ynaija pics and I must say I feel your pain. For the guys I think most of them were trying TOO hard. Clash of too many styles on the same person. Best dressed though would be Jesse Jagz, Dayo and the Oke Lawal dude. Worst dressed: J.J. Okocha, Tee A and Tweet Oracle. The girls were on point. At least most of ’em

    • Kelvin

      July 28, 2011 at 4:20 pm

      Bruv, I knew you’ll feel me mehn..the dudes just had on too much all at once and the ladies..ah well

  20. Jennyphar

    July 28, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    I’ve been finna tell u that u are a soup or star; I hope it helps build ur selves of steam!:D

  21. iamsamsie

    July 28, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    I just had my first laugh in 48hrs.thanks

  22. cecenostockings

    July 28, 2011 at 4:36 pm


  23. SlevinCalevra

    July 28, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    I’ll be back…

  24. moh

    July 28, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    Lmfao.what can I say, the month of july has been very newsworthy. Good stuff kelvin

  25. d3ola

    July 28, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    I’m just shaking my head here! This is too hilarious jor!!!

  26. Ms_Anee

    July 28, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    LOL! Anyone noticed my personal favourite “lack toast and tolerant” (lactose intolerant)?

    • Kelvin

      July 28, 2011 at 6:07 pm

      Ah! I left that out! *slaps self*…lol

  27. ibetapassmynebo

    July 28, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    Kevin pls….leav my uncle auracool…no b voltron mata…remembered wot I told u…pls

    Secondly Vico as far as am concerned killed enigma….for those of u dat dunno….don-jazzy has proposed and I said yes!…hence the free beat…we are searching for a wedding singer…..thanks

    • Kelvin

      July 28, 2011 at 5:34 pm

      Ibeta, anything for u dear..I shall henceforth leave your uncle and as for the wedding, send me an invite asap!

  28. afrosays

    July 28, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Just curious though, what did the oracle ever do to you?

    • Kelvin

      July 28, 2011 at 5:29 pm

      Emmm…constantly irk me?

  29. alex

    July 28, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    😐 Emily??? Obinna, Mufutau and Taofeek ????? Loooool!!! O dear!

  30. SlevinCalevra

    July 28, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    LMAO!!! Just when I thought you had lost it, you prove it to me! I wonder something tho’, upon the number of followers the oracle has got, not a single ‘voltron’?
    Yeah and does that qualify as a new word?
    Shit u got me mehnn!.. Still laughing & yeah, Vic’O is the truth!
    Now going to look at the harsh pictures.

    • Kelvin

      July 28, 2011 at 6:21 pm

      Ah! He has voltrons o! They are still just baby lions…

  31. kunbillionaire

    July 28, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    @ibetapassmynebo u need to wake up girl.
    This had me in stitches, d vocabulary is madt. Good job

  32. MzLucyM

    July 28, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Lmaoooop kelvin u wnt kill me.. Hehehehehehehehehhehehhe I am dyn!!!

  33. OpeyemiWealthAdebayo

    July 28, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Hehehehehehehe your write ups are always side-splitting. I kinda like the fashion tingy.

  34. musingsofagidimallam

    July 28, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    Wait…u want me to say dis is funny…is water wet…dat one na normal na.
    Seriously tho…Mazi’s aura wouldn’t be cool if he read this o…lai lai.
    Great job…as usual…
    Oh n yeah one more word u forgot…
    Ballet = barlay
    *drops d mic n grabs his can of Zobo Adrenalin*

  35. fenelee

    July 28, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    “extraodina-BabaJay”? Beht why? Lol. @DaviDamage made several, I mean plenty sense on the Enigma beat.

  36. kemmiiii

    July 28, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    😦 I had the idea dancing it my fingertips! i will still post it sha..even tho it will not be as good as this…I have additions o!..
    Anti-Perspective Deodorant
    Dizzle = Diesel
    Getting pictures ‘taking’ to ‘catch’ big cheques
    You ditch (diss) lasu girls
    swayed spray (suede spray)
    Leolanda Di Caprisonne

    Emily Wineshack is so extreme..
    other variations…
    Amy whitehorse the rapper
    Amy Whitehouse the actress
    It is well 🙂

    • terdoh

      July 29, 2011 at 3:49 pm

      I had been holding in laughter till I got to “Leolanda Di Caprisonne”. WTF!!!

  37. Eugene Selah

    July 28, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Just aces Kev. Just aces…

  38. kemmiiii

    July 28, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    How can i forget the lords sitting on their ‘throwns’

  39. alahyor

    July 28, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    *rolling* @ taps chest, All iz vell, All iz vell* <—– 3 idiots

  40. Chinny (@chinnydiva)

    July 29, 2011 at 9:07 am

    This just in: reports reaching me indicate that the twitter queen, the only bad bitch who makes loads of cash of twitter followership, none other than her royal pussyness, Odina bubu, has declared that she’s pregnant.

    My sources are unclear whether twit aurakuu or superman drew is responsible, but they are certain that the father of the baby is called legion, for they are many.


    • slimsiren

      July 29, 2011 at 9:24 am


    • terdoh

      July 29, 2011 at 3:52 pm

      Jesus!!! Hey Royal Pussyness?? No be small tin! And Legion. Legion… *sigh* I wish I never…. *closes mouth* Dear God! I was about to let that slip….

  41. highlandblue

    July 29, 2011 at 9:17 am

    So Kelv ur job on twitter is to hate on all the Naija Twitter celebs abi? Issorai. Naughty human being. You just had to show us the black superman right? You’re just mean. 😀

  42. pasyjasy

    July 29, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Kev, if u dare tweet abt you lackin humour again i wee petition twitter 2 block ur acct & i bet oda tweeps wuld back me up. *dabs eyes wit my shirt* i stil cant stop laffin & crying @ d same time. Dude u are a twitter soup of star sittin on a thrown! & your Sense of Human *humour* is as madt as ever
    Evn doh u kinda missed;
    fillet mignon => flaming young…
    One last thing, Culd u do dis weekly?

    • Kelvin

      July 29, 2011 at 1:41 pm

      Doing it weekly? Err..maybe I’ll consider a category for that!

  43. kenny

    July 29, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    U left out ambience → umbeyonce!!!

  44. cikk0

    July 30, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Dude… awesome post. Twice a month would be a more reasonable target no?

    • Kelvin

      July 30, 2011 at 11:14 am

      Yes boss..allows more room for news worthy stuff.

  45. honeysucklebelle

    July 31, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Lol at “all of those who suddenly knew her”. Kevin ur not well o!

  46. honeysucklebelle

    July 31, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Kevin with or without an L, dat link is a scam o! E nor gree open

  47. MsEsiri

    July 31, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    =)) I cnt stop laffin… Love dis!

  48. Jojo

    August 2, 2011 at 4:55 am

    I saw this one yesterday
    Valid Victorian = Valedictorian

    My 2 pences…hilarious in a ludicrous way, I like ;D


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