17 Apr

It’s Friday evening, 5pm according to his swatch. He trudges in reluctantly, head bowed, trying as much as possible to blend in unnoticed. That was next to impossible because who wouldn’t notice a man who was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders? He settled down wearily into a seat by the entrance, head still bowed this time with hands acting as supports..a million and one thoughts flooding through his ‘headquarters’ at neck break speed. He feared his skull might burst open at any time (actually that was the least of his worries).How did he get here? No, maybe he should be thinking “how do I get out of here?” “do I really want to get out of here?” The questions seemed unending, the answers: far-fetched. “what am I doing here?” he all of a sudden became aware of his surroundings. It must be a church. *sigh* the last time he was in church, he was a little kid with no say. Churches were for those who were helpless and needed someone to handle their problems, a place for sissy’s. he was no such, he was “the man”. he wasn’t going to give in…wait! That was it!! EUREKA!!! it seems he had found the answer. In a place very less likely, he came here to seek help, to lay it all down, he looked up the aisle and beheld the ‘man on the cross’ , he smiled-he wasn’t going to end up like that. Someone might though, he walked out, exhaled deeply, head held high…he looked at his swatch, it was 5.35pm…

Oh! Wow!! You guys are here, jeez! Forgive my manners, I didn’t notice your presence already.. So what’s good my peeps? Its been a minute yeah? you missed me? I know, I missed me too..i mean your pathetic lives must have been all the more pathetic as a result of my absence, I know right?… heiya, oya come and take hug (ladies only please, no side hugs thank you). Yeah, you like that huh? That’s how I do! Thanks to all y’all who ‘checked’ on me in my absence, all who DM’d, BBM’d asking me to come back *sniffs* U’re all far too kind *blows snort*… Ok, so a lot has happened since my ‘absence’…believe me, a whole lot but that’s gist for another day jare, in the meantime we’ve gotta fuckus sorry focus on why we are here! I really do not know why we are here sha, lemme not lie but whatever I feed you, just take it like that.*winks*

At this point though, its only normal I explain why I have been absent BUT there really isn’t anything normal about me so we are gonna skip that and act like I never went anywhere. But just incase someone asks you, a good explanation is that I experienced writer’s bloc or in this case, blogger’s bloc (a chronic scientific malady that causes the voices in the heads of writers to pack out for periods ranging from days to months) yes! That’s my story and im sticking to it, if u have a problem with that, please keep reading and if u don’t, keep reading!
So during my hiatus, I had such a blast reading stuff from various bloggers and im so excited to see that there are really great writers out there. I mean if you haven’t read @thetoolsman , @slimsiren, @Ms_Dania, @RealistXX, @sandiePandie, @adahna @jibolaL ,@Adm3on, @elceedutchess (sexpert) , @FreshPrinzVick amongst others then you are on a long thing with a cap and you need to get your ass off that ‘thing’ and go and read..oya! halele!!! And yeah, not only are there great writers, there are great illustrators as well. If you haven’t been to the redonions blog then *sigh* smh4u (and this is just me being honest) ok, enough of the adverts, you all know the bank account. Thank you very much. So I read a lot and I must say that Nigeria has got talent, whaaat? You think its only singing, dancing and to win BigBrother we sabi? We badt ga’an…

Moving on though, its no news that soon (May 29th), we will have a ‘new’ president sworn in (Re: May 21 though) and everyone has their expectations and stuff, mehn ‘eff’ all that sure I speak the minds of a lot of youths when I say that our needs can be characterized into 3 categories: Light, communication and Entertainment. Dear Mr president, if you/can read this please take note of our 3-point agenda for your govt:

1. We know that it is almost impossible to have steady power in the next 2 years, so we ask that as you resume office, please reduce the prices of generators so that we can overcome the stigma called ‘I better pass my neighbour’. Yes we know that fuel price will not reduce, we have plans to keep bursting pipelines so don’t worry about that. We have also just recently discovered how to siphon from parked cars and tankers. So bother not, we shall cater to that need.
2. On the issue of communication, your excellency, pls WARN MTN o! as in WARN THEM before I open my eyes. On behalf of my brothers and sisters on that network, I beseech you (shebi you understand). We pay for BIS basically to Tweet and chat on BBM, send our naked pics to each other, free voicenotes and videos etc.Nowadays, to send one full sized naked pic will take 30mins and by then the excitement ‘aroused’ in anticipation of the pic would have ‘died down’…MTN is killing our potential and existing relationships faster than Dame Patience murders Queens English!!
We don’t want to make calls, we don’t want to text sef..they should just allow us enjoy our BIS o or you send them back to their country. Sir, if you don’t do something, we will take matters into our hands and you know what we can do. Shey you are hearing? Ehen!
3. Then entertainment, first sports, Sir please change the name of our national team from super eagles to Baby pigeons so that we wont expect much from them and also so that our opponents will have mercy on us..for our local league, you can scrap that sir. We are ok watching and supporting the premiership and La liga. Thank you.
Onto music things, sir I don’t know if you have teenage or adult kids but if you do im sure you might have noticed their flair for music, if they don’t have then something is really wrong with them and they need deliverance (I recommend TBJ, he has more big men and foreigners as clients so your kids will easily fit in) well sha, daddy, we want to ask that you ban some people from coming to 9ja again, #1. R.kelly .sir, information reaching me has it that Mr kels has started a structure somewhere around Car wash bus stop at Dopemu. Further aproko has shown that it is to be a ‘Center for female development’ well sir, Pls look into it asap… #2. Rick Ross…your excellency, except we are prepared for a famine, I don’t understand why we will let 3men carrying one passport into our country (yes hes 3 in 0ne o)… Ive heard from a reliable source (names withheld) called xymon adeyale aka @BragginRightz that Chukwuike Romanus Osondu aka rick ross is related to Oliver D’Coque and is overseeing and acquiring some property for their family at Upper Iweka, Onitsha. I hear he wants to start his own market… Sir pls intervene for the good of our land (consider his effect on our land..pun intended yels). Lastly sir increase the price of weed/kush/shisha…if u cant ban it completely, increase d market price. Let it be packaged (packaging enhances value) and sold only at shoprite. It will stop people like TerryG and Timaya from having anyhow access and thus reduce the level of rubbish we hear in the name of music. Youths too will reason before they spend 3k (BIS money) to buy a nicely packaged pack of kush from shoprite. Mtscheew…nonsense and ingredients

In other news though, nothing mega has been happening around me, life seems to be trudging on gently, boring at times, fast-paced for a bit and then back to normal tempo. I miss the days of living on the edge. #NoMTN I can’t begin to explain it all in this post ‘cos its going to be a long thing, it is already abi? But when I can see clearly, I’ll let you guys in on it. By the way, I have secured a blog writing job with Daily Times online (I write a bit more seriously there though), I’m also on my way to radio (#Lowkey), I also just finished a 2 week training for a company…its been a great year so far, I hope it turns out greater though for us all.

There still are lots of issues that I face, a lot of water has gone under my life bridge this year, times where I’ve wished I would just die (u know that feeling too, yeah?), times where I feel no one cares, times where I feel we are all in one big game and someone is catching trips watching us. Sigh. At times like this, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder. Confusion and blur take over my faculties and thinking is directly proportional to worrying. But then again, worry has never solved any problem. What am I even saying? How did we get here? No seriously…We were laughing and smiling some sentences above, how come its all gloomy now? Is this the sequence of life? Is this how joy easily becomes sadness? How love becomes indifference? Sigh again. Lots of questions, little or no answers. *head on hands* But wait!! If I was able to switch moods just now and even successfully switch yours too, doesn’t this mean we choose how we act or react to situations? EUREKA!!! That’s it!! Its been there all along.. I realize I determine my reaction to circumstances..i smile, I’m “the man” afterall.

*stands up, stretches, checks swatch…5:35pm*

*sidebar: at this point, u’re most likely confused about this post, don’t be! Its not a sub in any way, it’s a real time, real-life occurrence, just try and put the pieces together… buhahaha!!!! Thanks for reading jare…if I did confuse you, then I can boldly say “I’M BACK!” Please be kind enough to let me know what you think in the comments section.

*cripwalking out to the ‘Kush’ song by Dre*


Posted by on April 17, 2011 in RantDom


22 responses to “Re-TURN

  1. thinktank

    April 17, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Disjointed, scatter-brained and mildly incoherent yet still interesting. Nice work. Congrats on the daily times job and er…yeah…welcome back.

    • kelvin..

      April 17, 2011 at 3:15 pm

      Hahaha…well said bro..disjointed, yeah. The body of d post was written between 5pm and 5.30pm (in my head) at d back of d church…

  2. Dr Michael Ohiku

    April 17, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Lol! Funny man! ‘Weed at shoprite’ 😀 First post of yours I’ve read so far! Definitely moving on to the others! *Thumbs up* 🙂

  3. 'Jiböla

    April 17, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Looool *smh* You. Are. Truly. A. Nutter

  4. admeon

    April 17, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Congratulations Kelvin .. May this be the beginning of many more wonderful things to come in your life
    Noticed u’ve left us and moved to wordpress
    Love the post!! Like think said disjointed but interesting to the very last line… Good job 🙂

    • kelvin

      April 17, 2011 at 4:16 pm

      Lol, babes it aint exclusively lyk that sha. Ah well, do and come ‘ere, I’ll keep the next house to mine vacant so we can rub minds n other stuff too..
      Tnx..don’t mind d post, I jst put it down as it happend..glad u still like tho..
      So the house… 😀

  5. admeon

    April 17, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Congratulations Kelvin .. May this be the beginning of many more wonderful things to come in your life
    Noticed u’ve left us and moved to wordpress
    Love the post!! Like think said disjointed but interesting to the very last line… Good job 🙂

  6. Ada

    April 17, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    LOL!!! This boy, you are very mad I swear…I love this! “Center for Female development in Dopemu???” #dead
    As usual, you never disappoint. (Y)

    • kelvin

      April 17, 2011 at 6:11 pm

      Thanks, I aim to please…

      • terdoh

        September 30, 2011 at 9:23 am


  7. Aidee

    April 17, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Hahaha… Nice one. So on point with our communication needs..

  8. musingsofagidimallam

    April 17, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    My first time on ur blog n I must say dis wit all sense of seriousness n decorum…Ʊ NO WELL…gaskiya…havin said dat since me gan no well…WE’RE GONNA HAV A BLAST…Yay!!!
    Seriously tho…Ʊ’r writin is akin to watchin a Tarantino or Rodriguez movie…disjointed n crazy…awesome stuff mehn…now I’m gonna rape ur blog…hehehehehe *Wario laff*

    • Kelvin

      April 17, 2011 at 9:27 pm

      LWKM…tnx so much boss..surely ure not sane, heading to ur blog now…

  9. Ravenzord

    April 17, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    That was a good,funny piece,albeit long, and your train of thought kept changing tracks. . .5 minutes of my time well spent,all in all.

  10. mo'

    April 17, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    Bet u haf madt finish oo kai.I can’t believe I actually read evrything disjointed is an understatement.welcome back and keep it coming.btw congrats on ur achievements

  11. lauryn

    April 18, 2011 at 1:46 am

    Awesome mehn!!! My fav is d part bout d kush prices being bumped up…. Lmfao!!! Hope they give some to wizkid too… Lmao

  12. Azubuike Morah

    April 18, 2011 at 4:22 am

    You simply cannot stop right? You just have to keep smashing my expectations right off the table…way to go cuz! *thumbs up* ‘Pipelines and parked cars’ #CLASSIC

  13. samanthasiren

    April 25, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    blogger’s bloc (a chronic scientific malady that causes the voices in the heads of writers to pack out for periods ranging from days to months).
    Very well said. You are funny as hell. “Ladies…no side hug please!”.
    Going to start stalking your blog now 🙂

    • Kelvin

      April 25, 2011 at 4:13 pm

      😀 I’m deeply honoured…*now ‘dance-spelling’ my name with my ass* …tnx hun!

  14. lepahtohbahd

    May 5, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Baby pigeons?????*buhahahahahaha*Lmao!dis dude is INSANE!!!bt in a good way sha.good work Kev

  15. lepahtohbahd

    May 5, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Baby pigeons????LMAO…brilliant!can’t stop laughing

  16. highlandblue

    June 24, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    Well done Kelvin. If ranting were always this much fun, I would get you angry everyday!


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