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BanKs’ AccOunT

22 Jun

DISCLAIMER: first of all, I am not @thetoolsman, second, this is NOT @thetoolsmans blog, third everybody chill..breathe in and out, Fourth, long comments are ok (within 100 words), textbooks, handouts and fellow blog posts should be reserved for @thetoolsman, fifth , this post isn’t about @thetoolsman…

Moving on…so why are we here? Good question…well, following the news making the rounds everywhere concerning the SCAMdal involving the erstwhile speaker of the House and seeing as everyone was quick to crucify our dearly beloved speaker, me being the angel I am, *rotates halo* decided to do some inception things and speak from the ‘horses’ mouth…neigh! I didn’t just call our ex honourable a horse!

What you are about to read is…fack it! Read anyway or abort!

*in spiffy, flawless Queen’s English*

My name is Vivian chukwurah, I’m chwenny Chree years and I’m representing Gombe state, you should vote for me because I want to project the name of our country in overseas and because I like traveling I can do this very well. my number is V15, that’s V one- five…Sh!t!!! Wrong script people…

*my bad*

Fellow Nigerians
My name is DeeTwo Banks and I was the erstwhile speaker of the House of Reps! Yeah! I just recently handed over the reigns of power, yeah?! I’m not gonna go into details of my history, except that 69 was a very good year and is a very good position…go figure you nitwits. I’m a history maker, that’s what I do, little wonder I was the youngest ever elected speaker of the house at age 37, As it seems presently too, I’m making history as the latest speaker to be caught in a web of fraud and funds mismanagement! But HOW? HOW can I, Alhaji DeeTwo Banks, the son of Alhaji Banks, Husband to Alhaja Tinu Banks be accused of such? These ingrates don’t know anything! I mean…I studied Public Finance at the prestigious Harvard University after graduating from Oxford! They are jealous of my ability to ‘manage’ public finance codedly. I tell you, my enemies are at work. Let me tell you the truth as it is!

First sha, you know all that phoneh I speak on TV and stuff, that’s for show. Allow me to get into my normal razz mode here, ehen! Correct!!!

It all started in 2007 *sigh* (picture Nollywood style flashback)

The speaker at the time, that hairdresser was involved in a serious scandal. She had made history as the first ever female speaker in this country, she allowed it get to her head…hahahaaha…Hairdresser,get to her head..Mo badt ga’an…so sha sha, based on who we be, we were allocated some money to renovate our accomodation and stuff. Can you imagine, they gave us each 4 bedroom qtrs at Apo, fully air-conditioned , fully furnished but who told them that its everybody that likes Leather chairs and sofas? So we moved a motion (I like saying this thing eh, I don’t know what it really means sha)..so we moved a motion for furniture allowance and we got it! Long story short sha, Speaker Hairdresser used only N628 million for her renovation (we were the ones that approved the motion, but we wanted to finish her, so we leaked it to the press)..so now, she was impeached and I was humbly exalted to the seat.

Since I climbed this seat, mehn its not easy o! Choi!!! There’s money in this country. As Nigeria’s number 4 citizen, doesn’t this make me Nigeria’s number 4 labourer? You know the saying about a labourer and his wages? Well that’s crap! The bible also says something about “not nozzling the Ox while its treading the corn” paraphrasing, “na where man dey work Im dey chop”..Ol’ boy as I entered my office first day! See AC! See persian rug! I lay on that rug for 2hrs first..when my secretary entered, I formed as if I was sprawled out in reverence to the Most high! My table? Sh!t…italian upholstery toh kwoliti..if I wanted, I would do my secretary there all day everyday..isn’t that what is meant by “attending to pressing issues?” (Don’t investigate this o! This isn’t E!) It was heaven on earth o! Emi D.banks, speaker?! You go fear fear nah..
.
So I set about, fitting into my role, I had to upgrade my wardrobe (bone o! Speaker and megaphone no be d same thing)..I first got a new Dolce & Gabbana Wooden Leather wardrobe imported from italy..small money..then I set about filling it up. Strictly on some native things, I got my tailor flown to abuja, bought him a house and set him to work..shey you know that its an abomination to repeat cloth twice? You don’t know? Hian ask Mr. President nah.. So idris my tailor was in work for at least 260 days every year.

Me I didn’t know that all these bad belle people had started talking o! Its all of us that were enjoying together.they wanted to put sand-sand in my garri. That’s how they woke up one day and started asking for NYSC certificate! Awón Alakoba!! Where did they want me to find that one? Oh! Because I’m young abi? Dem fit produce their own? Well thank jah for “that place in Lagos where you can get any certificate” I won’t advertise here..God pass dem..I scaled that hurdle! As a bad guy sha, I didn’t bother. I continued serving myself and my country. That’s how I travelled in 2009 and came back, next thing-ACCUSATION! “Speaker spends N52bn on travel expenses!”

See this people o! Don’t they know that the glory of the latter is GREATER than the former? I don’t get it! Madam hairdresser rocked her birthday in the UK with about N11m, me I travelled and my expenses totalled N52bn…what’s the difference? People will just be talking anyhow. Do you know what was in the list my wife gave me? Or the one my siblings did? You think travelling is beans or shopping is paid for by name? Bone! I can account for that N52bn, yeske…

FastForward to today my fellow Nigerians, here I am no longer above the law, no immunity…my house was infiltrated by policemen (these same policemen that I used to settle! Choi! Life is a female dog!) They say I resisted arrest for four hours? Na wa o..I was in the toilet when they came, afterwards, we all decided to have dinner because they couldn’t resist the aroma from the kitchen (some iyan and gbegiri things)..we then rested a while washing our mouths with White wine…tell me how this is resisting arrest? They even said I wanted to flee the country through an illegal route..I didn’t know there was road from my compound to the UK…and NO! I wasn’t going to dress like a woman, who do I look like? Denrele?
Sigh* I’m being charged with “conspiring to inflate the cost of TV’s, PC’s, Printers, photocopiers etc…shuo! When you go to the market, do you plan to go with little money or big money? I’m only being careful with the small small N100m I put on each of these items, just for safety reasons. I was going to return the change, I swear!
*Rigging the bid for bullet proof Range Rovers and 3 Benz jeeps… See ehn, I knew where we could get very strong bullet proof vehicles at good prices, u know as Rita in Koko Mansion said “in Nigeria, we do Jazz and Demons” most of the bullets nowadays have demons and jazz that can penetrate most of these vehicles, I was only trying to help..as for rigging the bid, well..isn’t rigging what brought us here? What’s new? *shrugs*

Well, just when I thought I had scaled that yam head lawyer’s accusation..LWKM, shey you know Fest kaYAMu has yam head sha, lol…just when I thought I had escaped all the charges, EFCC brought their own..which kain tin be dis naw? Which kain first class winch be dis ehn *wails* baba, who haff I offend? Baba iyabo? Who? I wasn’t even given a chance to cry and apologise like that Weiner guy in yankee, I would have done it well complete with catarrh dripping and all…

Fellow Nigerians, the end is near…guilty or not guilty? My only plea in the matter is that if I’m found guilty, I should be placed in the kind of ‘jail’ that Alhaji Mustapha is: complete with DSTV, king sized bedding and weekend meals delivered to me from home. YES!

May I live long (wetin u want make I talk before? Federal republic never live long reach?)

And oh yeah…just incase I’m incarcer…na wa for english, just incase I’m locked up abeg, pls someone hook me up with Wizkid’s album…I’m into fuji! God go make you BIGGER!

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62 Comments

Posted by on June 22, 2011 in FicKtioN

 

62 responses to “BanKs’ AccOunT

  1. Gee

    June 22, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    first?

     
    • Kelvin

      June 22, 2011 at 4:38 pm

      Yes! And for that you get our special Zobo imperial specially prepared by @MallamSawyerr and served by our in house @CeceNoStockings…enjoy darl…u can buy gala

       
      • Gee

        June 22, 2011 at 5:01 pm

        buhahahahah!! i wont mind at all o! its been a minute since a girl had zobo! loooL!!–Can we switch the gala for suya tho? LoL! X_X

         
  2. Gee

    June 22, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    Booyah!! I am! Lemme scroll back up and read! lol @ the V15 wrong script!! heheheheheh!!

     
  3. Deola

    June 22, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    First!
    Guy … U have issues!!!! This was hilarious !
    *waiting for gala and coke*

     
  4. Gee

    June 22, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    “I didn’t know there was road from my compound to the UK…”—LoL that was the crack up right there!!

     
  5. riley

    June 22, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    There is no coming first here is there?…. Ok.

     
  6. cecenostockings

    June 22, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Kelvin, God will bless you for this 🙂

     
    • Kelvin

      June 22, 2011 at 4:53 pm

      Amen Cece… Amen!

       
  7. Leema

    June 22, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    The guy is just unlucky (to have been caught). There are worse people than he. See hundreds of millions…my millions *sigh* Nigeria will move forward one day. Amen.

     
  8. Kleopahtra

    June 22, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    Hmmmm…

     
  9. Ekwe

    June 22, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    LMAO…I wasn’t aware of that 52b travel expenses!

    That part about a route from his compound to the UK was just hilarious!!

    nice one!!

     
  10. musingsofagidimallam

    June 22, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Bwuahahahahaha…*rolling on the floor of his office*

    *gets up slowly and starts clapping with tears in his eyes from the laughter*
    Only Kelvin can think this…only your ludicrously psychotic mind can generate something this funny. Great stuff bruv…absolutely great stuff. All those people that are vexing on Tula’s blog should come and relax with this one…

     
    • Kelvin

      June 22, 2011 at 4:52 pm

      Brotha, are you inviting essay writers? Well please o 100 words!!! I use my BB to moderate and you know how battery dey be..yeah? Thanks

       
  11. Kleopahtra

    June 22, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Kelvin, u just Buttered the Truth wiv Humour… DeeTwo rili needs 2 check who he has offended…

     
  12. Kleopahtra

    June 22, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    I really wish i could borrow your brain for a day. I Liked the post.

     
    • musingsofagidimallam

      June 22, 2011 at 4:34 pm

      that may not be entirely healthy for you m’dear…trust me on this one…

       
    • Kelvin

      June 22, 2011 at 4:47 pm

      Seeing as I lose it often, I dunno when next it’ll be available! Lol

       
  13. ibetapassmynebo

    June 22, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Kevin with an “elu”….

    U RE MADTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     
  14. Michael Ayodeji

    June 22, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    I wonder how the wheels of ur mind works, this is really good stuff…..
    @michdeji

     
  15. pyiz

    June 22, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Nicley done. Standing ovation…. Loling and my mum looks out 2 see if all is well.

     
  16. alahyor

    June 22, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Great read.. Bwahaha!!!

     
  17. Dr Michael Ohiku

    June 22, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    *Wipes laughter tears* OMG! Lmao! Dude you have issues, man! And clearly, we have those same issues too, seeing as we ‘get’ every bit of humour here! *Applauding* Great post, man! Great post! *Goes back to the MBGN side-post* 😀

     
  18. dumebi!

    June 22, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Err, can I? Yes? 😀 okay, chweny chree?Lmao!And Alhaji Dee-Two Banks tho? Tite name mayne.Good post 🙂 Nice to read something that is not abortion. I don’t need a life jacket here 😀

     
  19. SlevinCalevra

    June 22, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Were! You are maddttt.
    Fest Kayamu?! *Jimzess*
    I’m into Fuji. Wizkid must read this. I am going to cc him ASAP.
    Bros…U no well. This is laughter for ages mehn… You are notjustok.com.
    Lemme ga’an read it again.

     
  20. baddessst

    June 22, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    Nice post mayne…

     
  21. MzLucyM

    June 22, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Lmaoo! Kelvin only u cn do dis hehehe.

     
  22. BragginRightz

    June 22, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    Lmao!!!! Bankole is gonna kill you for this one.. You’ve finally gone crazy! *sighs*

     
  23. village maiden

    June 22, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Hehehehehehe…this guy! Nna mehn this post toh badt

     
  24. fenelee

    June 22, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    “she allowed it get to her head…hahahaaha…Hairdresser,get to her head..Mo badt ga’an…” laff wee nat kee me . . .
    And what an intro!
    God bless the mind that thought of this. Chei!

    Time to check the contestant that’s V.15 . . .

     
  25. PreyingMantis

    June 22, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    This is so lame. A desperate attempt to throw humour on a sensitive issue. Sadly it fell flat. How old are you again?

     
    • musingsofagidimallam

      June 22, 2011 at 5:47 pm

      *sigh* Alas today’s heavy rains have brought this unsavory member of d Insecta Phylum to d party…fortunately for us tho *brandishes his trusted Baygon* Be gone u fiend!!!! *sprays thoroughly* dat will be all ladies n gentlemen…hehehehe

       
    • Kelvin

      June 22, 2011 at 6:14 pm

      Thanks for visiting good sir…indeed I shall try harder next time to make sure my humorous attempts fall safely on those with sense and not lame insects..as for my age, unlike the one digit Insect IQ (if existent), its a 2 digit figure!

       
  26. Slim

    June 22, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    “11m and 52bn…what’s the difference??”

    LOL!

     
  27. 'D!

    June 22, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    This insect of a fellow!
    Plix don’t u come up here and contaminate our laffter!
    Shey u’ve read What Men Don’t Want, if u r a female insect, witout humour u’ll die single…Mayb dats wat is even making u cranky sef.
    Kevin, great job jor!

     
  28. PreyingMantis

    June 22, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Gidi mallam as the houseboy of this nauseating blog, you’re doing a poor job in keeping this dump insect-free. You’re fired

     
    • musingsofagidimallam

      June 22, 2011 at 7:16 pm

      *cricket sounds* darn it…just when I thot Baygon wld be enuf…*sigh* guess I’ma hav to go biological…for ur species dat usually finishes d job…*brings out a female praying mantis* there…dat shld do it…

       
  29. @FoluShaw

    June 22, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Craze woman don show this boy pant!

    F.

     
  30. @Basooh

    June 22, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    I died while reading dis post #datisall

     
  31. jstdwayifeel

    June 22, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    Lmao…the *who do I look like* hilarious

     
  32. este

    June 22, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    Kelvin!! U painted d story with much and I give it to u,it was gud!bin a while I read ur blog bt av got 2 get bak to all dat av missed.kip using ur pen till u make history *nw running away b4 Mr Banks gets me*

     
  33. foxy

    June 22, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    Fantabulous right up … Got me LMAO here n got my food going d wrng way … Thumbs up. Btw, prayn mantus abi wot’s ur alias??? U can like to jump onto a high voltage transformer heading 4 kanji dam cos I honestly don’t understand how it affects ur left kidney

     
  34. Azubuike Morah

    June 22, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    *dis girl, lemme first na* my chic wouldn’t lemme be, she wants to know the reason behind this chaotic laff session I just had. Bro, u killed it – shey you know Fest kaYAMu has yam head sha – now that one was classic on all fronts. I duff my hat Kevin+L *now passing the fone to my chic*

     
  35. rozAy

    June 22, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    Nice 1 kev…… D fest keYAMu part was effing HILARIOUS …..

     
  36. freshprinz

    June 22, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    @kelvin: they say ‘show me ur friends & I’ll tell u who are’, well no one needs to tell me, I knoow I’m a nutcase x_x. Brilliant stuff bruv. I love how u always turn such serious stuff into comic relief. (Y)

    P.S- I resisted the temptation to turn this into a blogpost by commenting on the moral decay of our so called leaders and the joke that our judicial system has turned into. Hi5 for me :D. No? 😦

     
  37. awizii

    June 22, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    You did good Kelvin trust me….It’s only a creative mind that can turn a sensitive subject to something so funny and still pass the message across…this is your writing style…it’s good, and I get it. Well done.

    Plus, life shouldn’t be so serious, contrary to what someone here thinks.

     
  38. 0latoxic

    June 22, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    This is a comment!

     
  39. 'Dania

    June 22, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    *sigh*

    I’m sha glad i know you now.

     
  40. Babajide Shobowale

    June 22, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    Bullets With Jazz n Demons! BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… Ayaf Die Hia o! Nice One Bruv

     
  41. tobicomm

    June 22, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    Even the title alone is creativity.

     
  42. tobicomm

    June 22, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    *pure*

     
  43. ibetapassmynebo

    June 22, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    I want 14 shades of grey☹☹☹☹>”

     
  44. Skilobo

    June 22, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    This is the 50th comment (-__-)

     
  45. Afrosays

    June 23, 2011 at 12:35 am

    You’re in love with Wizkid.

     
  46. lauryn

    June 23, 2011 at 8:26 am

    So long as winchkid is tissed, u av my vote or comment as D̶̲̥̅ case may be. Let oga Dee shw me dat backyard rd 2 london. I wee help him do D̶̲̥̅ math of 11m n 52bn

     
  47. QT

    June 23, 2011 at 9:01 am

    OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RoTfL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is a ‘story’ i’m sure i’ll otherwise have never read to the end 😐 …………..Witty and absolutely hilarious delivery (y)

     
  48. Eugene Selah

    June 23, 2011 at 9:21 am

    *chuckling* Quite a wittily crafted lore. Cannot say I’m in stitches but its commendable. And I think even if the mantis decides to have a contrary opinion,its just being its natural obnoxious self. Plus now its being acknowledged… So oga please keep the baygon. You don’t get angry at a bull dog because its frowning,that’s just how its face is… Good one Kev

     
  49. @bubu009

    June 23, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Mad Man seen u r nt just ok nice BTw *Dont Feed The Troll*

     
  50. Okhai_Hov

    June 24, 2011 at 5:30 am

    Nice one Kev.

     
  51. mummy

    June 24, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    I read this post twice yesterday, trying to see what was so hilarious. I just read it again and I agree with Preying Mantis. It’s lame. I’ve seen you write better things. You can do better.

     
  52. kitkat

    June 25, 2011 at 12:45 am

    LMAO, it’s jst weird reading a post that isn’t somehow linked to relationships :p
    U make even politics sound good..mmm

     

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