DISCLAIMER: first of all, I am not @thetoolsman, second, this is NOT @thetoolsmans blog, third everybody chill..breathe in and out, Fourth, long comments are ok (within 100 words), textbooks, handouts and fellow blog posts should be reserved for @thetoolsman, fifth , this post isn’t about @thetoolsman…
Moving on…so why are we here? Good question…well, following the news making the rounds everywhere concerning the SCAMdal involving the erstwhile speaker of the House and seeing as everyone was quick to crucify our dearly beloved speaker, me being the angel I am, *rotates halo* decided to do some inception things and speak from the ‘horses’ mouth…neigh! I didn’t just call our ex honourable a horse!
What you are about to read is…fack it! Read anyway or abort!
*in spiffy, flawless Queen’s English*
My name is Vivian chukwurah, I’m chwenny Chree years and I’m representing Gombe state, you should vote for me because I want to project the name of our country in overseas and because I like traveling I can do this very well. my number is V15, that’s V one- five…Sh!t!!! Wrong script people…
My name is DeeTwo Banks and I was the erstwhile speaker of the House of Reps! Yeah! I just recently handed over the reigns of power, yeah?! I’m not gonna go into details of my history, except that 69 was a very good year and is a very good position…go figure you nitwits. I’m a history maker, that’s what I do, little wonder I was the youngest ever elected speaker of the house at age 37, As it seems presently too, I’m making history as the latest speaker to be caught in a web of fraud and funds mismanagement! But HOW? HOW can I, Alhaji DeeTwo Banks, the son of Alhaji Banks, Husband to Alhaja Tinu Banks be accused of such? These ingrates don’t know anything! I mean…I studied Public Finance at the prestigious Harvard University after graduating from Oxford! They are jealous of my ability to ‘manage’ public finance codedly. I tell you, my enemies are at work. Let me tell you the truth as it is!
First sha, you know all that phoneh I speak on TV and stuff, that’s for show. Allow me to get into my normal razz mode here, ehen! Correct!!!
It all started in 2007 *sigh* (picture Nollywood style flashback)
The speaker at the time, that hairdresser was involved in a serious scandal. She had made history as the first ever female speaker in this country, she allowed it get to her head…hahahaaha…Hairdresser,get to her head..Mo badt ga’an…so sha sha, based on who we be, we were allocated some money to renovate our accomodation and stuff. Can you imagine, they gave us each 4 bedroom qtrs at Apo, fully air-conditioned , fully furnished but who told them that its everybody that likes Leather chairs and sofas? So we moved a motion (I like saying this thing eh, I don’t know what it really means sha)..so we moved a motion for furniture allowance and we got it! Long story short sha, Speaker Hairdresser used only N628 million for her renovation (we were the ones that approved the motion, but we wanted to finish her, so we leaked it to the press)..so now, she was impeached and I was humbly exalted to the seat.
Since I climbed this seat, mehn its not easy o! Choi!!! There’s money in this country. As Nigeria’s number 4 citizen, doesn’t this make me Nigeria’s number 4 labourer? You know the saying about a labourer and his wages? Well that’s crap! The bible also says something about “not nozzling the Ox while its treading the corn” paraphrasing, “na where man dey work Im dey chop”..Ol’ boy as I entered my office first day! See AC! See persian rug! I lay on that rug for 2hrs first..when my secretary entered, I formed as if I was sprawled out in reverence to the Most high! My table? Sh!t…italian upholstery toh kwoliti..if I wanted, I would do my secretary there all day everyday..isn’t that what is meant by “attending to pressing issues?” (Don’t investigate this o! This isn’t E!) It was heaven on earth o! Emi D.banks, speaker?! You go fear fear nah..
So I set about, fitting into my role, I had to upgrade my wardrobe (bone o! Speaker and megaphone no be d same thing)..I first got a new Dolce & Gabbana Wooden Leather wardrobe imported from italy..small money..then I set about filling it up. Strictly on some native things, I got my tailor flown to abuja, bought him a house and set him to work..shey you know that its an abomination to repeat cloth twice? You don’t know? Hian ask Mr. President nah.. So idris my tailor was in work for at least 260 days every year.
Me I didn’t know that all these bad belle people had started talking o! Its all of us that were enjoying together.they wanted to put sand-sand in my garri. That’s how they woke up one day and started asking for NYSC certificate! Awón Alakoba!! Where did they want me to find that one? Oh! Because I’m young abi? Dem fit produce their own? Well thank jah for “that place in Lagos where you can get any certificate” I won’t advertise here..God pass dem..I scaled that hurdle! As a bad guy sha, I didn’t bother. I continued serving myself and my country. That’s how I travelled in 2009 and came back, next thing-ACCUSATION! “Speaker spends N52bn on travel expenses!”
See this people o! Don’t they know that the glory of the latter is GREATER than the former? I don’t get it! Madam hairdresser rocked her birthday in the UK with about N11m, me I travelled and my expenses totalled N52bn…what’s the difference? People will just be talking anyhow. Do you know what was in the list my wife gave me? Or the one my siblings did? You think travelling is beans or shopping is paid for by name? Bone! I can account for that N52bn, yeske…
FastForward to today my fellow Nigerians, here I am no longer above the law, no immunity…my house was infiltrated by policemen (these same policemen that I used to settle! Choi! Life is a female dog!) They say I resisted arrest for four hours? Na wa o..I was in the toilet when they came, afterwards, we all decided to have dinner because they couldn’t resist the aroma from the kitchen (some iyan and gbegiri things)..we then rested a while washing our mouths with White wine…tell me how this is resisting arrest? They even said I wanted to flee the country through an illegal route..I didn’t know there was road from my compound to the UK…and NO! I wasn’t going to dress like a woman, who do I look like? Denrele?
Sigh* I’m being charged with “conspiring to inflate the cost of TV’s, PC’s, Printers, photocopiers etc…shuo! When you go to the market, do you plan to go with little money or big money? I’m only being careful with the small small N100m I put on each of these items, just for safety reasons. I was going to return the change, I swear!
*Rigging the bid for bullet proof Range Rovers and 3 Benz jeeps… See ehn, I knew where we could get very strong bullet proof vehicles at good prices, u know as Rita in Koko Mansion said “in Nigeria, we do Jazz and Demons” most of the bullets nowadays have demons and jazz that can penetrate most of these vehicles, I was only trying to help..as for rigging the bid, well..isn’t rigging what brought us here? What’s new? *shrugs*
Well, just when I thought I had scaled that yam head lawyer’s accusation..LWKM, shey you know Fest kaYAMu has yam head sha, lol…just when I thought I had escaped all the charges, EFCC brought their own..which kain tin be dis naw? Which kain first class winch be dis ehn *wails* baba, who haff I offend? Baba iyabo? Who? I wasn’t even given a chance to cry and apologise like that Weiner guy in yankee, I would have done it well complete with catarrh dripping and all…
Fellow Nigerians, the end is near…guilty or not guilty? My only plea in the matter is that if I’m found guilty, I should be placed in the kind of ‘jail’ that Alhaji Mustapha is: complete with DSTV, king sized bedding and weekend meals delivered to me from home. YES!
May I live long (wetin u want make I talk before? Federal republic never live long reach?)
And oh yeah…just incase I’m incarcer…na wa for english, just incase I’m locked up abeg, pls someone hook me up with Wizkid’s album…I’m into fuji! God go make you BIGGER!