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Do YOU?

05 Jun

This post is very impromptu, disorganised and is the result of the demand from the people for a post (Now I know How Moses felt when they asked for water) *sigh*

Its common knowledge that the most ignored part of most negotiations is the ‘Terms of Agreements’ especially if its almost 10 pages long (which is mostly the case). Many partnerships have failed, businesses have crashed and people have felt cheated all because they didn’t have the patience to read through 10 paged small print of legal jargon.

Who can blame them though?

This right here though, is a MUST read! Yes! If you don’t, well (I’ll try compose a BC to that effect)…Every business , transaction or interaction between 2 people normally has terms of Agreement n this binds the parties involved once they agree.. So I was thinking, it won’t be a bad idea to have dating terms of Agreements signed by both parties before they embark on the relationship…remember that verbal agreements hold no water so this will be typed out and signed by both ‘dater’ and ‘datee’

Feel free to download and use after reading.

DATING TERMS OF AGREEMENT BETWEEN _________ and ___________ dated this _____ day of______ 2___

His part.

1. I am the man in this relationship, whether I wear pants, boxers or G-string, I am still the man and should be treated as such.
2. I shall NOT be compared to any other man living or dead, especially your Ex.
3. I am your boyfriend NOT your Father, so he is responsible for bringing you up and maintaining you. I am responsible for bringing ‘me’ up and maintaining yours..#GoFigure
4. I love you BUT I love my boys too #NoHomo so do NOT interrupt when you see me with them, it falls hand.
5. Never ask me where I am at 10pm, I will lie or talk nonsense.
6. You see me with any girl, let your default thought be “oh wow! A new sister”
7. Do NOT discuss our sex life (if existent) with your friends except you’re suggesting a threesome
8. Movies, Credit, Lunch and all that fun stuff shall last 3 weeks into the relationship after that we will buy #150 dvd, make our own chicken etc
9. You will NOT move more than 4 articles of. Clothing to my room/house. These are Towel, panties and bra…the fourth is a french maid apron thingy 🙂
10. In the event of arguments, do NOT smash any of my plates or ornaments. Walahi, you will pay for them o!
11.Because I have a car doesn’t make me YOUR driver, and the front seat isn’t your right, get over yourself!
12. You cannot have more than 10 male BBM contacts, 5 must be from your family, 4 from your church..then I.
13. If you EVER ‘lol’ ‘lmao’ etc at any guys tweets. Prepare to explain why…
14. You CANNOT follow TweetOracle…#ThatIsAll
15. Don’t EVER be fooled, girls DON’T run the world! Except the world is a synonym for kitchen
16. We are dating. This is NOT marriage, we will NEVER wear the same cloth material.
17. I have sole access to ALL parts of your body, others should NOT even get a full hug. Handshake or side hug kpere!
18. Money will be given to you as I deem necessary, I do NOT work in a bank, even if I do #IsItMyMoney?
19. If u want to give me a nickname, names like Stud, The Rock, ChuckNorris etc are cool, NEVER! I repeat NEVER call me your TeleTubby or ChubbyWobby…
20. If by mistake you ever catch me on top of or underneath another woman, don’t break the flow, wait till I’m done then verbally attack.

Her Part

1. I am the Woman, I am NOT weak in sex or any other thing..don’t make me prove it.
2. In every argument, I have the LAST word, whatever else you say will start a new one apart from ‘Yes Dear!’
3. Whatever you did while toasting me, you better make sure you continue cos face it, there are others waiting to get on this bus!
4. I will cook when I’m hungry, you will buy US take-away when YOu are hungry.
5. If/when I come to your house for the weekend, the remote is mine and we will ‘do’ if I feel like ‘doing’
6. Bags, BIS , Brazilian hair etc are your responsibility…prove you can take care of me.
7. NEVER take any of my friends out
8. In the club, you dance with only me or any of my ugly, harmless friends I send your way cos I wanna grind some hot guy.
9. When I ask you ‘how I look?” Any answer apart from “beautiful” might make you lose me
10. I’m a late comer, NEVER on time… #goFigure
11. If you do NOT use my/our picture on your BBM DP at least 4 times in a week, its over!
12. What is yours is mine, what is mine is mine!
13. If you invite your friends over without telling me, prepare to attend to them cos either way I’ll have somewhere to go
14. Whenever I say I’m on my period, accept it like that.
15. You will celebrate every occasion for me: childrens day, workers day, eid-el-maulud, Good friday, Martin Luther King day, ALL…with gifts!

I have read and hereby agree to these terms of agreement…bla bla bla…

Signed
________________ and. ________________

Pls peeps, this is just a figment of my imagination NOT my stance o! Abeg don’t koba me o! Anyway, do share the points you would love to have in a potential TOA form use the comment box…adios!

PS: I’ll be doing the Female version of ‘SensEablE’ on a friend’s blog as a guest…so watch out for that and other exciting ish too…VERY SOON

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57 Comments

Posted by on June 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

57 responses to “Do YOU?

  1. ibetapassmyneighbour

    June 5, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Abeg e too long…I no read oh

     
  2. musingsofagidimallam

    June 5, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Absolutely hilarious mehn…good thing I’m home alone right now…cos I was guffawing like a jack ass on crack…

     
  3. musingsofagidimallam

    June 5, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Technically I was first seein as Ibeta didn’t read it before commenting…as usual *rolls eyes*…

     
  4. awizii

    June 5, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    In times of spontaneity lies true creativity..well done. Thank me!

    Point no.14 for male terms and conditions #ThatIsAll

    Good read! 😀

     
  5. ibetapassmyneighbour

    June 5, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    Buahahahahahahahahahahah kelvin ohhhh….

    Male’s number 6..female’s number 4 then 10-15!!!!!!

    JEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What we’re u fnking????????

    MY CHEST OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Buahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahhahaha

     
  6. Elle

    June 5, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    Inspired by laide uhn?

     
    • Kelvin

      June 5, 2011 at 3:10 pm

      Did laide do something like this? I’m not aware…this was just a spur of d moment write up!

       
  7. Spiffy

    June 5, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    LOL! His part No. 6?? Heads will roll!funny post

     
  8. wordsofanaries

    June 5, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Kelvin…I’m tired of telling you how nuts you are. I’m sure by now, it’s been taken as a second name. this is e-lah-rius…I laughed in Swahili all through. but i don’t agree with one thing: that the front passenger seat of her man’s car is not a woman’s right. my friend, gawk not, it is. I dare any female 2 sit there still when she sees me approaching. omo mehn, blood shall flow!

     
  9. ibetapassmyneighbour

    June 5, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    @mallam….seriously!!!!…oya cry naaa….boo hoo…drink zobo…..

     
  10. Kleopahtra

    June 5, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…! *wipes Tears*…Lemme Digest it..i’l be back!!!!

     
  11. Kleopahtra

    June 5, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Lmao @Male Part : 1;3;6;8;10;11;16;19……LoL @TeleTubby n ChubbyWooby…wait a sec..! Gurls rili call deir BFs Dat????!….
    Kelvin iLoved Ds Post….*thumbsUp*

     
  12. chinietwit

    June 5, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Funny funny really funny…..

    I shd really consider writing out the “terms and conditions” of my next relationship……hmmmmmmmmm

    Btw…pls shorten ur next hiatus!

     
  13. d3ola

    June 5, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    You are stark, raving MAD!!!!
    This is too effing hilarious!!!
    *stands up from floor and then falls again from laughter*

     
  14. MzLucyM

    June 5, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Lmaooooooooo dis is a lot! Haha I must get a copy of this. 😀

     
  15. Annie

    June 5, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    U’r neva gonna get any1 2 sign this cos some of those terms contradict each other. #ThatIsAll #OkBye

     
  16. AfroSays

    June 5, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    I’m bored at some razz poolside reading this. Apart from the girl wearing fushcia pink panties on a dead, black spotted, yellow, open back, swimsuit, this is cracking me up! Oh! There’s also a fuschia pink skinny jean wearing lady too. A pity twitpics don’t come in comment boxes.

    Sir!
    You always, always crack me up.

     
  17. @hueyblack

    June 5, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    @male part- dear girlfriend- I hope you are intelligent? Go figure… Rotflmao

     
  18. ekwe

    June 5, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    hehehe…really funny.

     
  19. Adahna

    June 5, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    You made the male’s term seem as though he’s taking up a female sex-(and other things)-slave 😐

     
    • Kelvin

      June 5, 2011 at 3:48 pm

      Ada, sex slave? Abeg o!!!

       
  20. u_ezimah

    June 5, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    Funny :D, male conditions 3 and 12, female 9 hit me up.

     
  21. chukyjunior

    June 5, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    KevinwithanL, d little men running around in ur head r clearly on a mix of Alomo & Henessey!! Dey hv things all mixed up. Hilarious post…ladden wit salient truths… #6 for guys: the Setup….u go produce family pictur noni!! Lol.
    Two thumbs & big toes up!

     
  22. Kevin

    June 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    The male part is just too hilarious…nice one bro…

     
  23. Didi

    June 5, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    LMAO!!!! the male part is just crazy! Female number 15… hehe, i like.

     
  24. Jide

    June 5, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    dis dude is somtin else…erm if u see me tweet @ Lolade ur cupsize is too small & if i follow ordinabarbie then u need to confirm ur status…EFPM (erin fe pa mi)@late comer.

     
  25. kenny

    June 5, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    His part no 12…most def a deal breaker!!!possesive bastard!​L☺L ,no 19-ow abt “moonpie”?

     
  26. kenny

    June 5, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Her part no 12…me likey,but it isn’t fair….her part shd be longer dan his part!!!

     
    • Kelvin

      June 6, 2011 at 5:56 am

      Yeah, I know…I ran out of ideas…u can share some here though

       
  27. Cleo

    June 5, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    One word….Classic!

     
  28. ThinkTank

    June 5, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Even with all this, no one ever reads the terms and conditons. we just click the box. I’m sure the same would happen with relationships

     
  29. MsDuro

    June 5, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    😡 😡 😡
    Nice work u did ere….

     
  30. slim

    June 5, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    this is familiar…well whatever. im definitely sittimg on that front seat,whether u like it or not.
    funny post, as usual.

     
    • Kelvin

      June 6, 2011 at 5:52 am

      Its familiar in your head babe cos we think alike and errr…front seat? D whole car is yours! Lol

       
  31. cecenostockings

    June 5, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    Kelvin!! Chai! I SO made the right decision not opening this in church. The ‘HIM’ section nos. 6, 14 & 20 especially killed me. You are not fully right up there!

    *now printing TOA*

     
    • Kelvin

      June 6, 2011 at 5:54 am

      Good babe, print on!

       
  32. Thalionezz

    June 6, 2011 at 5:38 am

    Lmao…..*im a late comer, never on time*

     
  33. samanthasiren

    June 6, 2011 at 6:19 am

    LMAO! Kevo
    “Do NOT discuss our sex life (if existent) with your friends except you’re suggesting a threesome.”
    I’m the type to break all these rules most esp #10

    No worries though, hot stramy make up session right after 🙂
    And I agree with all of “her part” . *fist in the air*
    What is mine, is might….#RightON
    Loved this. Love you Kevo

     
    • Kelvin

      June 6, 2011 at 6:44 am

      Haha! Oh I knw u get high on breaking rules eh? Seen…the aftermath of course is worth looking fwd to…
      U break stuff? Oh wow! Smashing!!!
      Love ya too babes

       
  34. oyinkan

    June 6, 2011 at 10:52 am

    14. You CANNOT follow TweetOracle…#ThatIsAl…. Lmao =))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º‎​=))

     
  35. Luciano

    June 6, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    This is sick yo! But errrr is the consequence of a breach of contract termination of the dating process, shouldn’t there be some sort of penalty?

    I raise the motion to set up a committee to elect a committee to review the dating TOA contract & set up a proof reading committee which would approve this to be passed on to the Legislature for deliberation

    *now downloading sha*

     
  36. kblewin

    June 6, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Lwkmd! hahaha… u, Mr Kelvin, are something else!
    But u forgot one thing… She shudnt answer calls on my phone or read my msgs. At all. afterall she isnt my P.A or secretary… Very important stuff i tell you!

    i shall now print a copy and make copies…

     
  37. Pretty Lashes

    June 8, 2011 at 10:23 am

    looooooooooooooooooolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

     
  38. kitkat

    June 9, 2011 at 12:20 am

    smh!! smdh!! lool!.. why do dudes have more rules than girls..typical male chauvinism *long nollywood hiss*

     
  39. bolouere

    June 9, 2011 at 8:07 am

    Omg!my ribs hurt from laughing..funny enough these terms can be related to both ways.

     
  40. MimiB

    June 9, 2011 at 10:50 am

    Numbers 16 & 17 for His part strike me as a totaly contradiciton. Seems like ‘He” wants all of the rights and none of the responsibilities of being a husband. Typical! SMH

    Number 6 for Her part, RME, KMT. Say no to “shan’t gree girls”. LOL

     
  41. cikk0

    June 9, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    gawd!! I laughed… at many points, i laughed! issues mein.. u gat issues!

     
  42. CherryWine

    June 10, 2011 at 10:39 am

    My mother is a practitioner of number 12 therefore by default, I am too. Yes o! I discovered this blog at work. If I don’t have a job tomorrow, I’m coming to look for you. I almost died at the we’re dating, we will NEVER wear the same cloth material. Some girl tried to punk my cousin like that. thunder fire the boy and the girl i caught him with. Finish whatever you have to finish in HEAVEN. Definitely co-sign on the female ToA, plus we run the world, we just let you think you do. (ask Laurent Gbagbo)

     
  43. dammydiva

    June 11, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    Lmao….funny post…hahahhaa..bn laughin soo hard..nice one..
    But if I’m to v 10 male contacts, he hd better reciprocate n no church members…:|

     
  44. Yvvyeve

    June 11, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Lmao!!! I died and fainted….. This is so hilarious. My jingles. Agreement to die in perpetual sorrow be this…..

     
  45. SlevinCalevra

    June 11, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    First, can’t believe I’m just reading this almost a week after! *na wa for me* Kelvin.Whenever.I.Read.Something.From.You.I.Realise.How.Sane.I.Am. Were!!! You go soon enter market…

     
  46. Daizie

    June 12, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Finally got around to read this, laughed so hard, my tummy hurt…..
    Buh err… if i hear for #6 ehn! (the guy’s part) this was an amazing writeup tho, and i TOTALLY agree with everything in the girl’s part 🙂 *switches to twitter to #nf*

     
  47. 'Dania

    June 13, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Oh wow, this had me literally rolling with laughter! Especially his part. I knew there was a reason i nominated you for most humorous blog. As far as I’m concerned there’s no contest there.

     
    • Kelvin

      June 13, 2011 at 5:07 pm

      Awww…Dana u just made my day! Wish I could favourite this…Thanks! (((Hugs)))

       
  48. Nollywood REinvented

    June 28, 2011 at 4:42 am

    Ok! Am I slow? What is wrong with following tweetoracle? The guy prays every morning regardless of his reckless flirting

     
    • terdoh

      October 10, 2011 at 10:52 am

      THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH TWEETORACLE!! WHO IS HE PRAYING TO??? IS GOD DECEIVED? WHICH GOD??

      *calms down*

      What am I doing here? *straightens up and walks away with my strepsils*

       
  49. Sirkastiq

    June 18, 2012 at 8:52 am

    Reblogged this on The Sirkastiq Center and commented:

    Posting some of my favorite pieces ever on here..hope you enjoy

     

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