ChiCkeN Run

24 Jul

A great day to y’ the little way I can, I try to afford some talented people an opportunity to express themselves on here. I’m sorry if you came expecting to read something from me. Let me just say that each week (sundays most likely), I’ll feature at least ONE guest blogger…Today, a lady. Her handle is @mohmahmee.

Before I start this piece,I should inform you first hand that I’m NOT a WRITER. I’m too lazy for that. In as much as I have a lot of deep thoughts dancing in my head begging for release with a pen, I’d like to leave them that way.

So I managed…..eventually to get off my lazy butt and write something, anything. My motivation being that my handwriting is taking the downward spiral…..quickly too. I mean who wears glasses to read their own handwriting please!!?!?

So I decided to write a story about an experience I had with a chicken. Ok that was the cue to slam your phone in disappointment.
Oh well*shrugs*
*tales by moonlight story mode activated*(change outfit to wrapper tied around my neck. oh wait that’s for boys right?what d hell,I make anything look sexy..heehee)

This is a scarring story with scenes of animal violence and blood. The faint hearted can back out now. I almost passed out when it happened so I won’t judge. Well, then again I was 10 so I might still judge…..

Okay,so the time was christmas. The day was actually christmas eve.
All the murderers had gone out and by murderers I mean my mum and my aunt.
My mum had gone out to do last minute shopping and my aunt had gone to make her hair.
My mum had assigned ‘christmas’ chores to me and my sister. You know those chores that your mother subtly threatens you with and makes it look like christmas was hanging by dat one chore and if you didn’t do it,christmas might actually not ‘hold’ dat year?…..yea those chores.
We had finished them and because my 10yr old girl memory is failing me at the moment and I don’t recall everything,I’d say knowing how vain my sister is, she was probably trying on her christmas dress for the umpteenth time and rehearsing her grand entrance into the church in my parents room and me,well I was devising a means to eating everything and not getting full fast(what!!cut me some slack mehn, I was 10. My apologies if I wasn’t reeking of spirituality and sober reflection on the ‘true meaning’ of christmas).

My dad called us. I imagine the tone of his voice would have automatically distorted my delicious reverie as I jump down from my double bunk bed(best believe I still sleep in that bed till now. No,I’m not shitting you)
His next words begin our scarring story. “Get that hot water,grab a basin and knife, we’re going to kill the christmas chicken”

You’re probably thinking what can possibly go wrong? A coupla kids under the adult supervision of their dad killing the chicken for christmas. If anything, this should be cute.
Yea, it would be cute and all…till you know the ‘killing team’

Character summary
My dad
My dad is a loving,caring,dedicated man…….yea and he’s also a WUSS!
He never participates in any killing of any sort. Rats always had a field day with him around. However, he will be more than happy to motivate whoever is willing to do the honours with words of encouragement and the exact location of the rat.
Everything like the character ‘my dad’ except the fact that I don’t kill and I don’t even watch. I just sit in the corner with my feet up and scream and sometimes break into an uncontrollable fit of inexplicable tears.
My younger sister
Murderer wannabe.

Yea so you now see why this was a wrong idea. I was about to look at my sister and tell her with my eyes how this was such a terrible idea just to see she was as happy as a reindeer and my dad was her santa. My dad just looked at me with a look that said: “fear fear girl,my friend grow some balls”. Well, I did say it was a look. We do a lot of ‘looks’ in my family

My dad boldly went into the store to get the chicken. We followed. He bent to pick the chicken, the chicken freaked,my dad backed out. He nervously smiled and said was: “Ahn ahn,this chicken is quite strong oo”. I gave him a look that said: “seriously, strong? There’s no other word in d world. You weigh an entire forest of chickens and this one is suddenly the king spartan of their tribe!”. “Take it downstairs” my dad said.
We went downstairs and my sister was already set with the knife and the chicken. I was with the basin and the hot water.

He held the chicken down, my sister assisted not because she was asked to, just because she could almost see herself gisting my mum excitedly on how she had earned her place as a ‘killer’ too. All the while,she still had that silly gleam in her eyes. Me, well I was making sure my safe running space was clear at all times.
Infact now that I think about it,I don’t even know why I was summoned on this wife-impressing mission. I was just as useful as the basin in the whole frenzy!

Now,the rest of the events that occur from this point is a blur.
My dad poured a little hot water on the chicken,I think that was his ‘anaesthetic’ to weaken the chicken. My sister held it down. They both looked so serious like they knew what they were doing. Bollocks!!! I wasn’t falling for that bullshit. My running space was still clear.
My dad put the knife in its throat, but couldn’t quite hit the kill button. Chicken panicked. Blood splattered. My dad freaked and let it go. My sister freaked and let it go and well, that stupid gleam was finally gone. That was my cue to run for a diamond medal!

In a heartbeat, our chicken was running with a slightly cut neck out of the building.
My brain froze but in all the brain freeze there was still a little transmission that came into the walkie talkie “that’s our christmas chicken running out of the building! Over!!”
Now I wasn’t really afraid that if it ran out and mixed with other white chickens it would be lost forever and we wouldn’t know ours. I trusted that a particular ‘special’ chicken with a dangling neck would be hard to miss anyday. It was just that my dad, the person to save the day looked like he’d just seen a ghost . Once again I gave him a look “even if this thought for some weird reason crosses your mind ever again,don’t involve me EVER, we can bond with something else!”
My sister was already out chasing it. A guy that lived in my neighbourhood and knew us saw her chasing this ‘thing’ that closely resembled a chicken.

Poor guy,God bless his soul saved christmas by the friggin’ bell!
He picked the chicken with such expertise took it back in,killed it properly,even helped us take out the feathers. The scene looked familiar. OH YEA!! That was how the pros did it dammit!
Much later, the murderers came back, they all expressed their shock and demanded to know who the new ‘hit man’ was. My sister gave them an ‘education’ of the story,gesticulating at intervals.

My mum dryly turned to my dad finally and said “but, who sent you?” Then she broke down and started laughing.
Till this day, I always prefer we do frozen chicken. My mum says there’s a difference, I say YI-to-tha-fucking-MU! Frozen chicken any day mehn.
My dad still looks for stuff to bond with. Less life threatening events anyway..thankfully. Like watching super-story together. I rebelled by making him watch ‘friends’. Nowadays, we just sit and talk.

My hands are bleeding from writing all this and at the time of writing this,I’m making a mental note to buy that book from nursery school with red and blue lines for my handwriting

Thanks for reading and I’m grateful kelvin let me guest blog. please comment and go easy on me abeg, its my first time. Do share scarring experiences too.


Posted by on July 24, 2011 in SunDaY GuEsT


57 responses to “ChiCkeN Run

  1. alahyor

    July 24, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    #first πŸ˜€

    • Kelvin

      July 24, 2011 at 2:21 pm

      Hmmm…what to give you now? I’ll get bac to u on that one!

  2. MsAnonymous

    July 24, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    LMAORH! I think you must be my elder brother…Wuss!

  3. leonmacedon

    July 24, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Great Post. There’s no fucking difference between frozen chicken and the live one when it’s cooked. D murderers in my hauz also have a penchant for buying live one. although they know not to enlist me for the job, except they want a blood spatter on their kitchen floor (and I’m not mopping that shit).

  4. @basooh

    July 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    i say YI- to tha fucking-MU *lmao I cld picture it, very well written

  5. MzLucyM

    July 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    2nd? πŸ˜€

  6. Slim

    July 24, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Lmao!! *wiping tears from my eyes*

    YI-to-tha-fucking-MU! Definitely stealing that one. Lovely description, it played like a movie in my head. Thanks for the laughs jare.

  7. ibetapassmynebo

    July 24, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Buahahahaha….I dnt kia bt others but this was actually very funny….
    Nice write up….long but very engaging….didn’t even notice! Lool

    • Kelvin

      July 24, 2011 at 2:23 pm

      Hehe..thumbs upo Mo.. Ibeta likes ya!

  8. alahyor

    July 24, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Yayyyyyyyyy!!!! First to comment.. First time ever..

    This post was totally worth the read and the weird looks..

    I’m at a party n laughing hysterically.. Gt a couple of mean glares 4rm d “gehs” I’m sharing d table with bt I dnt kare *kanye shrug*

    (Y) @mohmahmee.

  9. MzLucyM

    July 24, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    ok noo not 2nd. Hehe . I feel u on dis post tooo.. I’m a proper wuss too. Cnt kill a fly even 😦

  10. alahyor

    July 24, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    @MzLucyM – Better luck next time πŸ™‚

  11. missbeemuse

    July 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    I’m scared of chickens so this whole ish could never have happened in my house.Thinking about it makes me shudder! My mum says that the live ones are sweeter,IMO that’s just -_______- Death to chickens! (Minus the frozen,fried/barbecued ones)

  12. bekezed

    July 24, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Really cool! I can imagine your dad’s embarrassment. Hope you’ve finally learnt how to kill a rat @ least

  13. highlandblue

    July 24, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    I have only killed one chicken in my life and it may be the last. My knife was blunt and after 50 slices the neck was still attached. Needless to say I felt as guilty as a murderer and vowed to stay as far away as possible from such activities. *still recovering from guilt*

  14. musingsofagidimallam

    July 24, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    Good stuff…worthy of being on d b_og #WithAnL…funny, I started participating in d killing ritual at about that age too, till I graduated to hitman status.
    Our own near miss incident was with a turkey, n best believe dat was one mean motha, cos my brother was a veteran hitman as at d time it happened.

  15. dhamyhan

    July 24, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    So I’m in church laffn ma ass off…….My pastor’s close to me wth his hand is on his bible holster(Yes,a holster)……..wat got me was ur sister…..she’s everyman’s dream. mhen!!………anywayz I’m stealing Yi-to da- fucking-MU too….

    • Kelvin

      July 24, 2011 at 2:29 pm

      Two offences: 1.stealing in church 2. Yi-t-da-fucking-MU involves church? Your pastor shd start carrying guns for ur type! Oh! That would be offence no 1 for him!

  16. BoukkieO

    July 24, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Buhahahahaha! I couldn’t stop laughing, this is really cool! And yes, i am a great wuss as well. I once killed a roach then i became sad and started thinking about all the wonderful things it could have done in it’s lifetime if i hadn’t cut it short.

    • Kelvin

      July 24, 2011 at 2:24 pm

      LMAO! Bukky!!! Wonderful things a roach could have done? Seriously??? Like build roads and stuff??? I haff die!

  17. dhamyhan

    July 24, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    I can confidently say I haven’t killed anythng in ma whole life *beats chest*,Yes I’m holy like dat……..em em…abortions don’t count,do they?

  18. dunch

    July 24, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Lol, for ur first attempt dis is great stuff, crackd me up real good. And I’m proudly a wuss too cos I’ve neva n wil neva attempt to murder a chicken or somthing dat closely resembles it.

  19. moh

    July 24, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Hahaha.the comments got me rolling. Thanks guys. I’m glad u like it

  20. alex

    July 24, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Waaat!!! I loved killing d chickens joor! I always did a clean jagged slice right through, chopped d head off! Sigh… Fuuun times!!! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ now every1’s into frozen chicken. Mchewww.:(

  21. awizii

    July 24, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Your first time writing? I love it. So graphic I could picture every scene. Beautiful.

  22. @topesmooth

    July 24, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    Nice one.

  23. Kemi Windapo

    July 24, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    Haha! Nice One!
    I could picture the story in my head!
    A chicken with a dangling head running around the neighbourhood…that will be such a sight!
    Omo mehn! It is an age long family tradition to kill chickens o!
    I sabi am DIE!
    Call me murderer! πŸ˜€

  24. Deevarh

    July 24, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    I’m too much of a wuss and I’m not shy or embarrassed. I’m one of those peeps that r scared of chickens…..wth,I cross the road when I see a chicken on my path….if I see a chicken in my dream,thts def a nightmare!
    Love the story,totally cracked me up!

  25. malota

    July 24, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    Hahahahahahahahahhaha never killed a chicken but after reading this post I will never kill a chicken in my life.

  26. deeza

    July 24, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Lmao!! This is hillarious! My brother has always been the ‘hitman’ in our house…I can’t even hold a life chicken let alone killing one..if I must say I dread chickens infact evrything with feathers!…that’s how1 sexually frustrated chicken chased & scratched me one day(wen I was younger though) since then weneva I see a chicken, I’ll just clear4 it2 pass!.. I can’t afford any scratches again biko

  27. Deola

    July 24, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    So hilarious! As I was reading this, my mom was making me clean a chicken! But it was the frozen type so I didn’t have to kill it πŸ˜€
    I hate killing chickens or anything I eat. I had a dream one day their relatives would hunt me for killing their people. 😦

  28. betty

    July 24, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    Nigerians just like stress…….when I talk people say I’m a spoiled kid but why sweat when there’s a better, easier alternative??? Thank goodness I’ll b the boss in my own kitchen. I’ll buy frozen chicken and already diced carrots. Anything “oyibo” or even fellow nigerians have done to make life less stressful I’ll accept. If you don’t like it, I’ll leave the kitchen for u.

  29. Pha't

    July 24, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Lwkmd!!! “King spartan of their tribe”. Thanks 4 giving me a reason to laff my ass off… U did great 4 a 1st timer chick. Oh n u’re not alone, I’m the family wuss as well… πŸ˜€

  30. TheRealAdonye

    July 24, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    I’m kinda late to the party..
    Anyways, I don’t get what all the fuss is about.. I’m an Okpara (that means 1st son for all you non-speaking Igbo people) and Killing Chickens is like a family ritual for me.. If I’m at home and there is a chicken to kill, I’m the go-to guy..
    I kill Chickens for fun, Insects and other living things too (No Humans tho).. I’m BadAss lyk that.. πŸ™‚

  31. yettty

    July 24, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Lovely lovely write-up…I can’t stop laughing sef (Y)

  32. PreyingMantis

    July 24, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    Not bad. Kelvin read & learn

  33. Chyychy

    July 24, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Hahahahaha This’s Just Hilarious Mehn…..Big Ups!!

  34. SlevinCalevra

    July 24, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Ahn ahn now, but the chicken was quite strong nah!!! Shit. This. Was. Funny!
    Thumbs up Moh. You should write more often…

  35. moh

    July 24, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Thanks guys.*bows*. The network has been such a mess.coming in to see all this has got me warm on the inside.thanx a lot.its good to see I’m not the only wuss @slevin I keep telling myself that too*sighs*.

  36. jAyajade

    July 24, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    This was hilarious!!! I Lol’d for real ‘Yi-to-tha-fuckin-MU!!! *rolling* I remember being asked to kill a chicken….was kinda fun for me, which is odd ‘cos I WILL NOT kill a rat to save the world *shudders* really awesome writing though. Never stop.

  37. chiji

    July 24, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    Moh bby,u got me tumblin’on tis one! Cos I reckon wen i grabbed some girl’s boobs back in college,scared cos they were killin a rabbit for Bio practicals #bigbabywuss..that’s me!!

  38. irokwe francis obinna

    July 24, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    Creative,smart and lovely.very warm and a real tales by moonlight.reminds ♍ƺ of my yonger years,you did a good job.

  39. fenelee

    July 24, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    LMAO! “that was my cue to run for a diamond medal!” Funny as hell. Great post.

  40. 0latoxic

    July 25, 2011 at 1:22 am

    *in my Christopher Walken voice* This is not a comment. This is a thumbs up (in writing) to the good job the writer has done. You have pleased ibeta and the mantis (…and in one post too!) and that is a rare feat. Good to see that I have in many ways inspired you. Again, this is not a comment. You may now carry on…

  41. chica

    July 25, 2011 at 6:18 am

    Ok.why does this story look very familiar? I remember why.its happened to us before only in our case,my dad who was claiming “TERMINATOR” while trying to kill the chicken dropped all firearms and fled for his already spooky life when the chicken with a dangling neck became the very bad guy.I hear people talk about walking corpse but I saw a fleeing corpse and vowed never to eat any manually killed chicken and by manually I mean any chicken killed before moh,I know how this nightmare on Xmas feels.not funny at all but you sure had a way of making it look so funny. Nice one ma.I’m proud of you.this is superCOOL.

  42. Stevey

    July 25, 2011 at 6:23 am

    This write up is really smetime…gat MΜ…Μ²ΜΆΞ΅Μ²Μ£ rolling on ma floor all tru. Thumbs up, to †ђξ writer. ‘Tis Ξ±Μ…Μ² nice one. πŸ™‚

  43. terdoh

    July 25, 2011 at 8:00 am

    Yo! Yo! Yo!!! All the people who are the Wuss of the family and are proud of it should park well!

    That said, as far as killing chickens is concerned, I am the family don! Because of me, they can relive those memories. Cos I take videos of that shit. As far as actually killing them is concerned, omo lock up! I believe you can get AIDS from that chicken blood. Don’t even dull.

  44. moh

    July 25, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Hahaha@chica.I imagine the horror.thanks@olatoxic for the uhhh..thumbs up.if they liked it,I musta done something right then yea?thanks chiji,ob,stevie. Thanks for the encouragement.

  45. Sick_Sage

    July 25, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Funny as hell!! Good descriptive ability too. . .thumbs up moh, look forward to reading more from U.

    P.S: Is hell funny? Really?

  46. Nollywood REinvented

    July 25, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Lol… I don’t feel like writing a comment. I was kinda hoping this would be like facebook so I can just LIKE the post without saying anything…oh well

  47. moh

    July 25, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Lmao@sick_sage. Now that’s a thought..thanks @nollywood,lol.thanks for reading anyway

  48. IsMyNameGenesis?

    July 31, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Laugh has injured my Swag!!! Yi-to tha fucking-Mu??? Loooooooooooool!!!

  49. yemijohnson

    August 4, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    Well written and hilarious, it actually played out like a movie in my head, never killed a chicken before and won’t kill one for your sake

  50. zaynabb

    August 8, 2011 at 9:57 am

    Reading this post reminded me of the same that happened at my uncle’s house. Cheii that man is such a wuss.
    Me oo, I can slaughter anything from chicken to ram sef. *i am bad like that* πŸ˜€
    Thumbs up miss. You did a wonderful job at it.
    Last carriers club.

  51. Intoxyka

    August 17, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Hahahaha!!! This is classic . Your dad is cute, trying to form James bond with you guys. And ‘this chicken is strong o’ comment? I can only imagine the look in your eyes when he musta said that. I can relate with your fear not just od murdering the chickens, but a genuine fear of the chicken. I don’t like em, I eat em only with loads of pepper. And your sister, the wannabe murderer??? I love this post!!!

  52. art guiness

    August 19, 2011 at 10:35 am

    this is as funny as it gets!! A detailed description of a yearly ritual that i hv blatantly refused to engage myself in!!! I hate killin of any sort!! Go girl!! U got a new follower πŸ™‚


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