BodY taLK

05 Jul

Hey people, thanks for dropping by, before we drop further into the post, please take time out to vote me (“My Scroll, You Scroll)” for ‘Most Humorous Blog’ at the Nigerian Blog Awards. Pls click here to vote me and all your favorite bloggers. Remember to check your inbox/spam/junkmail folders for a confirmation email to validate your vote. Thanks guys…

DISCLAIMER: This post is one of those ‘what tha hell’ kinda posts! If you are able to read and make sense out of this then…you are officially as…ah well, it was inspired by an old post done long ago by @exschoolnerd

Have you ever wondered how life would be if all parts of your body could talk? What would they say and stuff? Well there was a meeting in ‘HeadQuarters’ recently..if you don’t know what ‘headquarters’ is about, please scroll dowwwwnnn and read the post ‘In my Head’…so, me, myself and I decided to see how this would work. Here is the result.

“Ladies and Gentlemen and beings that we can’t really place (eg Weird MC), welcome to Left Side brain, I am the most important part of the body and I shall be your guide. My name is Mouth!
Eye: “You are the most important ke? Guy yimu! How dare you claim relevance where I exist? Can’t u see that without me the whole body is useless?
Mouth: Ode! U’re asking me if I can’t see, isn’t that your ONLY function? Oya what else do you actually do? Ehn? Answer now ‘lukman!’
Eye: *eyes mouth* bone o! I am the window to the world, Eye see you’re just there to pout and stuff! *attempts to hiss, realises its not mouth*
Mouth: haha! Oya hiss now! Mtscheeew…look at this one..its paining u because I get all the goodies, the kisses, the food, lipstick, I get to go to places you have only seen but can’t touch!
Hands: Taaa!!!! Hold it right there, who’s talking about touching? You ehn! Na mouth you just get…
Mouth: duhhhh *attempts to roll eyes, realises its not eye*
Eye: Buhahaha! Oya roll now! Wannabe!
Hands: both of you should calm down, why are we even having this argument? Ok, shake hands and make up…
*realises futile statement*
Ok…kiss and…
*eyes roll* *mouth hisses and yimu’s*
Mouth: Hands go and rest inside one pocket somewhere jare…sensible parts are talking, you sef you’re forming involved.
Hands: I will slap you o!
Cheeks: heysss! Hol’ it o! Shey you know everytime you slap, its actually me you hit. I wonder what it is with your aim sef!
Mouth: *giggles* Slap now! And cheek remember what the bible says o…
Cheeks: will you shut your mouth?! Oh! I should stand and watch while he slaps me and then I should give him the other cheek eh?
Legs: well actually, its my job to stand…
Eyes: and mine to watch…
Cheeks: Fuck you all!
Penis: *rises to the occasion* did someone call?
Mouth: trust you to show up…
Penis: *nods* why so serious mouth? Miss me already?
Mouth: you know very well I don’t do your type…
Penis: yeah yeah, you don’t sound like it when you’re singing Lil’ Wayne’s ‘No Love’ though..
Ears: did I just hear sound?
Penis: *Nods and whispers* what’s up, apart from me?
Ears: oh down boy! Let’s not get all excited…so mouth you were saying?
Mouth: I was just talking about how I’m the most important part
Ears: Ehn! If I hear it?
Mouth: You just did duhhh…are you deaf?
Eyes: shey you see?
Ears: who me? How the heck am I supposed to see, isn’t that YOUR job?
Mouth: you all stink!
Nose: do I smell sarcasm eh? You know this because…???
Mouth: dude, free me jare…
Nose: no o! You will tell me what you know about stench today. Do you know what its like down below while you are ‘blowing’ things?
Penis: oh wow! I’ve gotta hear this…
Ears: yeah, I’m all ears…
Hands: *rubs together*
Nose: answer me mouth or have you lost your tongue?
Mouth: No comment!
Nose: no you must talk o! You just put your mouth everywhere, kissing other ‘lips’..I bear the pain and stigma of odours you will never know…
Mouth: well, what can I say? Come to think of it sef, who is responsible for sexual desires? As in who causes the desire to arise?
Hands: *points to eyes*
Eyes: what? So u’re saying Stevie has no sexual desires? #noWonder… All I do is look juh…*raises eyebrow*
Mouth: well they say “the eyes NEVER lie,” so I believe you…I guess I stimulate the physical act though, along with hands…
Hands: ah well…I no get mouth!
Penis: and I only come ‘in’ when mouth and hands are done…
Nose: eeeewww…y’all are just messed up!


Mouth: what the fuck?
Nose: oh here we go again…
Ears: choi!!!
Hands: *covers nose*
Penis: deflates

Ass: Y’all need to sit down…my MESSage: “True relevance isn’t found in the multitude of your words but the silence that accompanies your presence!”

*a fart makes all the difference!”

Who runs the world? Fart in a room and see


Posted by on July 5, 2011 in Uncategorized


93 responses to “BodY taLK

  1. Nugwa

    July 5, 2011 at 2:11 am

    Well, it haff tey wey kelvin haff Madt so no suprise here… Good one…

  2. MsWaspy

    July 5, 2011 at 2:52 am

    2nd! *windecking*

  3. BBB

    July 5, 2011 at 2:56 am

    such hilarity
    BTW the fart didnt affect the eyes though
    really creative

  4. MsWaspy

    July 5, 2011 at 3:03 am

    Kelvin eh…bobo yii ti ya wayray sha! Nice post, not as twisted as that “In. My Head” post tho’ but the message has been passed! Sometimes silence is key. 😀

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 3:06 am

      Yes dear, I’m glad you ‘saw’ that wa o! U and your plenty aliases, I see u!

  5. zany

    July 5, 2011 at 3:19 am

    “Hands: I will slap you o!
    Cheeks: heysss! Hol’ it o! Shey you know everytime you slap, its actually me you hit. I wonder what it is with your aim sef” LOL!! And d stevie #nowonder bit too……….nice 1.

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 3:21 am

      Oh thanx zany…I got that stevie part from Eva’s ‘done did it’ song…

  6. kitkat

    July 5, 2011 at 3:21 am

    Lol wth.. these body parts jst need to shut the hell up haha. forreals though, if our body parts had a mind of their own i feel like they’ll be nagging and quarreling like every single time lol. My favorite part of a body are the fingers.. while people check out the more “happening” parts, i’m busy studying people’s hands. I’m weird like that :p

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 3:24 am

      *looking at my fingers* smiles…

  7. cecenostockings

    July 5, 2011 at 3:48 am

    As per, seriously. It’s Kelvin. What else? Tyicaal proof of “Ara ga-agbaa ndi ara”.

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 4:37 am

      Meaning? *raised eyebrow*

      • Daizie

        July 7, 2011 at 5:08 pm

        hehe… *coughs and attempts to translate* Madness will catch mad people… literally! smh for me… oh and HILARIOUS post btw! warrahell?

  8. wf_SimonSEEZ

    July 5, 2011 at 4:00 am

    Really amazing stuff..the werkings of Ur mind eh…*eye eyes mouth* hehehe …I think mouth won this battle thou…then is cheap..nice one homie

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 4:02 am

      Thanx bruv, you know I always appreciate your presence on here…yeah! The moral here is ‘talk is cheap’

  9. kemmiiii

    July 5, 2011 at 4:15 am

    *sigh* Kelvin you never cease to amaze me….you are just so mad! hian! lovely work!! *bows*

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 4:19 am

      Ah well…I’m used to ‘mad’
      Thanks hun!

  10. Jide

    July 5, 2011 at 4:58 am

    Yabaleft owns you… You can neva graduate from there 😉
    Ur case is getting terrible day-by-day. Nice one kev.

  11. kovieparker

    July 5, 2011 at 5:04 am

    So early dis morning sha someone has decided it is ryt to make to rest ov us experience some form ov “krazie”. Since we’re all laffing in agreement nd getting the humor, he proves his point dt we re all krazie.
    Hehehehe I wonder wat my vajayjay will say tho nd oh gosh my feet! *covers face*
    Nice one Kev or is it Kelv? *Kanye shrug*

  12. Kleopahtra

    July 5, 2011 at 5:25 am

    Why so serious Mouth? Miss me already?…….. Kelvin thanks for lettin me wake 2 ds beautiful Post… Weldone..! Twas a Funny asin really Funny one..!

  13. runtaj

    July 5, 2011 at 5:25 am


  14. SlevinCalevra

    July 5, 2011 at 5:45 am

    The ass just won it for me mehnn… Good thinking bro! Now I know today’s gonna be a good day. Starting it with such laughter…
    (_x_) (_$_) (_!_) (_?_) (__!__) «— no matter the typa ass, The ass rules. Never underestimate the power of a well delivered fart.
    I get the message though. Very nice!

  15. iamsamsie

    July 5, 2011 at 5:52 am

    So u can have time to draw types of ass on someones blog*swoons*
    Nawa o…someone sha sat down to write this…I bless the lord!u try!!

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 6:13 am

      Don’t mind sushey…and emm…I lay down and typed it on my phone sha!

  16. MzLucyM

    July 5, 2011 at 6:05 am

    It Ws a similar post,”in my head” dt gt mi hooked on dis blog loll. Ony kelvin cn do dis. very interestn nd insightful oo nd mad funny! P.s d ass rules! Hehe

  17. JADE

    July 5, 2011 at 6:20 am

    Kelvin U re just an Ass…yeah U run THIS world. My Scroll, Humorous blog toh badt gan!

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 6:27 am

      Oh my sweerat, thanx for the endorsement!

  18. ibetapassmynebo

    July 5, 2011 at 6:24 am

    Nice (y)
    For those peops still looking for me ‘iff”..check my last tweet

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 6:26 am

      Isn’t this the same thing u said on Tools’ blog ystday eh? Lol

  19. @bule_jr

    July 5, 2011 at 6:32 am

    You my friend are a nutcase. You need help. Something in this story sounds like barney stinson. Or is it just me?!?

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 7:30 am

      Emmm.. What are you insinuating eh?

  20. TheSmilingHat

    July 5, 2011 at 6:35 am

    I have no idea if my comments get submitted or not. :'(. Oh well, this is some funny “ass” early mo-mo “sh!t” ryt ere. Good one boss!

  21. @bubu009

    July 5, 2011 at 7:07 am

    Hmmmn kev i knew it i just knew it its nt 2day it started hilarious post BTW bt u haff madt finish i understand the whole senario u dnt have 2 say much to make ur presence known or to stop a fight if u know what i mean great writing i tell u nyc way 2 start my day cheers boss

  22. Sandie Pandie

    July 5, 2011 at 7:11 am

    I rma this post! Keeps making me laff when I try to imagine! Looooool

  23. shettoo

    July 5, 2011 at 7:16 am

    Am not done reading but I just gotta write something cos am laughing and my boss and the pple in my unit are looking at me like “is this guy mad”….

    My comment for now

  24. chinnydiva

    July 5, 2011 at 7:18 am

    hahahahahahahaha! Kelvin, you sef! and if the heart could speak too…

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 7:22 am

      *sigh* if the heart could speak…I’ll give anything to be made of just ears!

  25. shettoo

    July 5, 2011 at 7:26 am

    You are as madt as anybody can get…..#ThatIsAll

  26. fenelee

    July 5, 2011 at 7:39 am

    Lol. This is so damn funny.”Cheeks: heysss! Hol’ it o! Shey you know everytime you slap, its actually me you hit. I wonder what it is with your aim sef!…” imagine if the hand of naija girls had perfect aim, Blind dudes everywhere. Crazy stuff. So creative.

  27. macallon

    July 5, 2011 at 7:42 am

    Simply brilliant. You definitely deserve the funniest blog award. Funny as hell too!!!

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 7:44 am

      Lol..thanks. Pls make it happen by voting!

  28. thetoolsman

    July 5, 2011 at 7:54 am

    Oh my.. what have the Sawaleh boys been smoking lately.. Kelvin you need to fess up cause I know all this is coming from you… Anyways, it would be interesting to read a version of this post with a female body…

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 7:59 am

      Aha! Trust tools to come up with a sequel post suggestion..emm female perspective can only be done by those familiar with the female anatomy and the things they ‘say’…I can’t claim to be versed in that! Yezzz…lol

  29. musingsofagidimallam

    July 5, 2011 at 7:54 am

    *sigh* What is wrong wit dis mental institutions…they should at least give warnings before they release certain inmates…yesterday it was Sushey, today it’s Kelvin…n very “harly hin da morrin” too o. Oh well…might as well continue laughing. Bwuahahahahahahaha
    Aside from the nose no one else would be assaulted by that mess…ok maybe the mouth too sha…hehehehe. Great stuff bruv…as usual.

    • musingsofagidimallam

      July 5, 2011 at 8:00 am

      *diz mental institutions

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 8:00 am

      Aboki..I’m innocent o, haba!

      • musingsofagidimallam

        July 5, 2011 at 8:01 am

        *sigh* see what I mean…now he has multiple personality disorder…isn’t ur name Kelvin…

  30. @tass88

    July 5, 2011 at 7:57 am

    Hilariously Brilliant!!!! I couldn’t keep myself from giggling while reading…I could just picture it in cartoon motions..u definitely getting my vote. Nice one (Thumbs Up)

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 8:04 am

      Yay!!! *doing the running man/jerk…thanks!

  31. amarachimex

    July 5, 2011 at 7:57 am

    Oh my Lawd! Kelvin u don kolo oh! Lmao! Abeg liv me hand o! I no wan die 4 laff… Great read really! Kip it up bro, I am sooooooo voting *insert thumbs up*

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 8:07 am

      When y’all say I don kolo, I wonder cos it takes game to recognise game jare… Pls voooote o!!! Tell ur ff’ers …thanks!

  32. highlandblue

    July 5, 2011 at 8:17 am

    But you know this is the reason why I feel you are the funniest person I’ve never met. 😀 My favorite character was the Penis. No hate, no bitterness, no attempt at competition. Just rising, nodding, and coming in where necessary. Wish we could all be like that. Kelvin, I don’t think you should allow ur (future) employers see this. Thumbs up.

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 8:30 am

      Haha! I like how you analysed this…and emm for employers, well let’s just say I can’t work where I can’t express myself hence where I am, they know and tolerate me…buhahaha!
      By the way, one such blog post like this got me a writing job so 😀

      • highlandblue

        July 5, 2011 at 8:35 am

        Men u living the dream bruv. More power to your elbows! Lol

  33. BragginRightz

    July 5, 2011 at 8:20 am

    Madman!!! I see U!!

  34. zeesparklez

    July 5, 2011 at 8:46 am

    KWAL is officially C.R.A.Z.Y. I wonder how u come up with ur posts.
    I particularly like the part where the penis comes in.
    Weldone sir.

  35. zeesparklez

    July 5, 2011 at 8:55 am

    @KevinWithanL is officially C.R.A.Z.Y.I wonder how he comes up wit his posts.I particularly like d part where the’johnthomas’came in(the penis has no competition, no trouble. Hehehe).
    Weldone sir.

  36. zoe

    July 5, 2011 at 9:07 am

    LOOOOL (y)

  37. @matthiasuave

    July 5, 2011 at 9:18 am

    “Did someone call?” “Trust u to show up”=D …….you just earned urself my vote

  38. Dhamyhan

    July 5, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Dis must be d most hilarious post I’ve seen in my whole life(nd dat’s saym smthn) …….. U’re good kev…….this irrevocably earns u my vote

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 10:02 am

      Yay me!!! Lol…thanks

  39. Dr Michael Ohiku

    July 5, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Lmao @ *rises to the occasion* You’re something else man! You deserve that ‘Most Humorous Blog’ award! *Thumbs up* brother! 🙂

  40. beeawo

    July 5, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Oh my this is insane. L☺l couldn’t stop laughing

  41. Spiffy

    July 5, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Kelvin!!! What is this??? Smh…there is still hope for you.

    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 1:29 pm

      Oh yes there is!!! Haaha!

  42. ThinkTank!

    July 5, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Body Talk. Funny stuff. I wonder what the Armpits have to say about all this though…


    • Kelvin

      July 5, 2011 at 1:32 pm

      *grunting sounds*

  43. specialeffectz

    July 5, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Hilarious post!nice one… It helped erase the disappointment and anger I felt a few mins ago….. Lovely!!

  44. Kevin

    July 5, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Lovely Lovely!!! I carried last on this post oh…see when I dey read am…and I’m not even going to make the mistake of “LMAO-ing”, I can’t afford to lose one of the most powerful parts of me, of which I don dey lose am small, or I been get before :s, I digress…ur creativity knows no bounds bro…u are an example of a learned mad man all cleaned up in nice clothes…I have commented. 🙂

    • Kelvin

      July 6, 2011 at 2:05 pm

      Well, in the end you weren’t last and as for LYAO, I don’t think u have much to lose there…
      By the way, I haven’t done laundry in a while so cleaned up might be an exagerration…lol
      Thanks bruv!

  45. jael999

    July 5, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    LMAO!! The penis just did it for me!.. umm, ignore how that sounds.. Funniest post I’ve seen in a while.. and yea, the heart should speak, at least once in while..

  46. Nutella.

    July 5, 2011 at 2:15 pm


  47. Emeka Amakeze

    July 5, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Creatively funny!

  48. bsnc

    July 5, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    lol nice blog you have here. Saw you blog at the Naija awards nom. Congrats oh

  49. 0latoxic

    July 6, 2011 at 3:49 am

    *waves last carriers’ association banner*…

    • Kevin

      July 6, 2011 at 6:22 am

      *marching behind banner*…

  50. hawtpee

    July 6, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Laffin my ‘ass’ out!!!!!I don’t regret d last 10mins of my life.hilarious….

  51. chukyjunior

    July 6, 2011 at 8:56 am

    I came, I saw, I laughed-out-loud!! Nice 1. Neck’s silence was noticed by me tho. Lol, he’d hv had loads 2 say I bet.
    Anyways, now eating beans, boiled egg & sprite so I can properly RUN my world today! Thanx 4 d heads up boss!

    • Kelvin

      July 6, 2011 at 9:00 am

      Neck? Hmmm…that twisted fellow, I guess so..on the beans and egg level bruv, ensure there’s a toilet to RUN to when ur tummy starts RUNNING too!

  52. samanthasiren

    July 7, 2011 at 7:47 am

    LMAO. Kev you be fool. Funny

    • Kelvin

      July 7, 2011 at 7:52 am

      Samantha is back here! That is all…#winning

  53. leonmacedon

    July 7, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Most Humorous Blog award is definitely in check…… D ‘penis’ part stil got me lavving lavving

  54. leonmacedon

    July 7, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Most Humorous Blog award is definitely in check…… D ‘penis’ part stil got me lavving

    • Kelvin

      July 7, 2011 at 11:20 am

      Thanks so much bruv…hope u’ve voted tho!

  55. kenny

    July 7, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Give it up for d arse!

  56. OpeyemiWealthAdebayo

    July 7, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    Wow! U re hilarious. You remind me of a good friend of mine.
    You deserve an award.

  57. sonia

    July 12, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Looool! I wonder wah boobs wud say 😀

  58. Dhamyhan

    July 12, 2011 at 9:31 am

    U av to love d penis

  59. kachy

    July 12, 2011 at 9:34 am

    Buhahahaha, like seriously… Who run d world?? Nice one

  60. Art Guiness

    July 12, 2011 at 9:41 am

    Hilarious frm start to finish!! The penis is a bad guy…*No Love* #PutAdickInTheirMouth…Kreativity @ itz best. It must hv taken sumfin to write *presents cold Jik* use it to cool off.

  61. rhaiharnah

    July 12, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    I’ll never call myself insane again! That’d be theft of status! You make a lorrof sense(s)!

  62. Pha't

    July 16, 2011 at 6:24 am

    OMG!!! Ok I see u definitely earned ur award; you’re freaking hilarious. This is your first post of yours that I’ve read. I’m practically rushing to go read others.

  63. terdoh

    October 10, 2011 at 2:57 pm


    • keLvin

      October 11, 2011 at 3:15 pm

      Not anymore… :p


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