BurN afTer ReAdinG

18 Jul

Ha! Did this Twitter message bring you here: “The Post you are about to read shall be up for only 3 hours after which it shall be subsequently taken down! Enough said.RT for general good ”
If it did, first tell youself “I’m a gbeborun”, second, applaud my “get them to read tactics”, third, it feels like April 1st all over again innit? Buhahaha…

Anyways, great to have you here again. The piece below ought to have come up on saturday but well…I wasn’t done and 2. I was ‘moved’ to do the ‘Winning’ post based on the blog awards thingy. Here’s thanking everyone who voted and made this possible. Y’all rock…here we go then…

“Water, e no get enemy!” Famous lyrics of a very famous song! However, recent occurrences have caused me to wonder about the truth in these words. Am I saying that the famous Fela was a false prophet? NO!! I just don’t know any fella called Prophet Fela…do you? I thought not!

So, it was a Sunday morning and as early as 6am, the heavens began to weep! What started off as just normal sobs eventually turned out to be something akin to a Mushin raised child crying because he stole meat from the pot that morning, was caught and was told the dreaded words: “Wait till your father gets back!” You know that feeling right? When you know your father will beat the hell out of you and the thought of it makes you cry from the moment you hear it till the moment he walks in! Yup that’s how the rain ‘cried’ all day.

It didn’t even help that it was a Sunday and church choirs couldn’t just decide to be smart…they decided to go ‘with the flow’, singing songs like “Open the Floodgates of heaven”, ‘Let the rain of your presence fall”, “Showers of blessings” amongst others…As the rains increased, I’m sure these choristers must have felt ‘at sea’ with the effect they had made. However, I doubt even their faith could have prepared them for what lay ahead.



Yeah, we’ll get back to Sunday but let’s review the events of epic Saturday, shall we? The saturday when a certain blogPost shook the foundations of the Twitter community..For those of you last carriers who didn’t get to read it, fear not! Its not deleted, its privatised. Once we get sponsors, we’ll put it out again (and wow,, them voltrons went in hard on the comments I’ve been asked for my side of d story too often, what’s here is an abridged summary though..

Woke up in the morning and I get off my feet, say a Thank you prayer and I grabbed my phone to tweet…(lyrics fail me here).. .moving on… then I saw the subs…Ha!!! They were like missiles from left, right and center..”…sore Loser withanL” WOW! This is what Libya must feel like, I thought to myself. So I walked to the dining area and settled to breakfast, scrolled through my TL and took it all in with a pinch of salt…lol. Them subs kept coming and now even more directly.”Na me be this? Oh Lawdy Lawd!”. Here’s the thing yeah?

“Power isn’t determined by how hard you hit when pushed to the wall, but how well you can refrain from hitting!”

Let’s just say that I could be a good power horse advertiser..haha! Through all the insults and abuse, my concern was for Slim and how she must be handling it, oh! She was strong through it all, though she almost cracked and wanted to respond at some point! (Me too sef) to admit that some things written in the post could have been avoided (no doubt) but I ain’t/wasn’t gonna cower and leave her to herself. HECK NO!!! (But mehn, you guys can yab sha! I mean from whence came all the creativity?) Some people who hardly tweet became all so vocal, it was really nice to see..Kai! There were some who changed handles! Jeez!! I was too slow, woulda claimed ’em!!
Oh! It was a good day, I got calls from strangers, some applauding, some threatening, one revealing *wink*, Pings every second, my blog had its highest visit count ever 3241 in a day and she had 5425 at last count. More people subscribed, and as is common in cases like this, follower count increased..S/O to all new followers..God go make you Bigger!

Unfortunately for me, my battery ‘died’ at about 1pm (curse you BB!) and I missed out..i returned much later after charging to see that #WithAnL was trending…yay! Me!!! It wasn’t just trending in lagos, it was trending WORLDWIDE (Check for details)…haha. I wonder if this was what the Bible meant when it said “your name will go places your feet haven’t” (paraphrased). While all this was going on, my ‘boys’ were eating at some wedding reception (weldone o! Vic, Femi and Toks) , my own voltrons were missing, basically non-existent (please how can I recruit voltrons? Pls apply within abeg). Slim and I felt like Bonnie n’ was “we against the Tworld” and the Tworld seemed to be winning *sniffs* S/O to @SamanthaSiren for having our backs though!

Anyways sha, there were lessons learnt, friends, haters and enemies revealed. yeah! I see you…the most painful was when someone who I considered a ‘friend’ took so much pleasure in cc-ing me into some particular tweets and subbing the shit outta me! (Yeah you) E pain! I no go lie!!! I’m off that though but the ‘friendship?’…nah, don’t think its worth it!

Anyway, like every other Twitter issue, we are on to the next one! And oh! The theories that arose were just hilarious..PS: My post ‘SERIOUSLY 1 and 2’ has NOTHING to do with TPN.


So, the rains poured down all day and the whole of VI looked like the scenery for TITANIC 2. I’m like WTF? (What tha flood?) Someone had asked “God why?” and I wonder if God was thinking, “if I could just find one Noah in VI to build an ark”… but do you know anyone by the name Noah in this time and age? My thoughts exactly! Its funny though cos while many were stranded as a result of the floods, many others in the comfort of their homes were making good use of the weather! S/O to the kids that will be born on April 20th 2012. Me I was at GET Arena literally chilling with my boys (@freshPrinzVick, MallamSawyerr, OlaToxic and jonNeski), girls (stephHailey, d3ola, boukkieO) and my girl (Slim))…Details of this ‘adventure’ coming to a blog near you (not mine!)

Life is funny you know. Somehow, disorganization seems to reveal who we really are. Guys, if you want to know that chic for real, wait till she’s in a messy situation. I saw chics who normally will strike me as those that never fart or eat beans and stuff. You know them now, they’re all over The palms…yeah! Those heel wearing, cat walking, BB pressing types. You should have seen what they morphed into…heels in hands, muttering words that had no semblance to their usual ‘yeah’ ‘finna’ and ‘innit’…stuff sounded like “iru ojo wo leleyii gaan” and if you as much as said ‘Hi’, you’ll get something like “ab’oloshi ni e nii?”

Babes were not smiling o! Brazilian hair and wigs gone ‘down the drain.’ haha! One lady’s wig developed a mind of its own and was far ahead of her in the flood..she was caught between the wig and the deep brown flood! Eventually, she decided to ditch the wig (some guy will remedy that afterall)… And for the guys, it didn’t matter if you were in a Range or a G-class, if it wasn’t a 180horsePowered, wooden interior, alloyed paddle CANOE, then you were not winning! You couldn’t pick the chics cos no one wants to push in the event you enter a hole or the car just stops.

*sidebar* I’ve ordered my neighborhood carpenter Monsuru (who sits in a corner wearing Dolce & Gabanna) to get on the canoe making job for me..i cant carry last!

Ok, at this point, I’m wondering where I’m going with this…errrmm..I should just stop, yeah? Yup! I thought so too! You could have told me earlier that you were tired though, *shrugs* ah well..wrapping up…I just wanna…oh fack it.

*drops BB*


Posted by on July 18, 2011 in Uncategorized


74 responses to “BurN afTer ReAdinG

  1. Boukkie

    July 18, 2011 at 5:25 pm


  2. 0latoxic

    July 18, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    First jor! :p

  3. me

    July 18, 2011 at 5:27 pm


  4. fenelee

    July 18, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    2nd! Can’t believe I just did that . . . . Oh well, time 2 read.

  5. alahyor

    July 18, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Bwahahaha.. U r just a sick young man!

  6. Boukkie

    July 18, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    lmao! Hillarious post!

  7. Boukkie

    July 18, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    yes! yes! first! yes! *dancing round my office*

  8. missy

    July 18, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    So can we get the password?? Or is she still too chicken to handle the comments she obviously deserved?? You handled it quite well tho, staying silent even tho you gloated a bit… As for d babe, she has it coming… What goes around comes around… Oh my joy will be full if you happen to be tge one to break her heart… Hopefully awaiting that day…

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 6:27 pm

      But sometimes, what goes around doesn’t come around in point: try throwing an egg…

      • jAyajade

        July 18, 2011 at 7:12 pm

        Nice! (Y)

  9. raihanah

    July 18, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    *sighs*..2nd!!. Issorai tho..
    Nice one..Monsuru will make a fortune.. No1 actually bears Noah anymore.. (Hmm..didn’t think of this)..

    The wig lady I sincerely sympathise with..

    This post mustu combust oh!oh I’ll cast a spell..

  10. cecenostockings

    July 18, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    😐 I see. Izolgud.

  11. okhaihov

    July 18, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    LOL at *180horsePowered, wooden interior, alloyed paddle CANOE*

  12. ThinkTank!

    July 18, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Hmmmmmm… #WithanL

  13. stephhailey

    July 18, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    what more could a girl ask for than to have her man beside her through thick and thin? kelvin, u’re such a darl… :*. sometimes certain things need to happen, so you could know where u stand… love you guys… xxxelvin, u’re such a darl… :*. sometimes certain things need to happen, so you could know where u stand… love you guys… xxx

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 6:22 pm

      Steph Darlin…u know I love u yeah? And let oga come and put a gun to my head, I’ll say it again still…Love u babes!

  14. VGBG

    July 18, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Simply Uproarious!!!! P.S I fainted cuz I was laffing hard after reading this*

  15. leonmacedon

    July 18, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    April 12?? LOLiiiing….. instead of a canoe, try ordering one of those shoes talked about by Klint da drunk…. #WithanL

  16. betty

    July 18, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    :s *scratching my head*

  17. still a voltron

    July 18, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    U must have been outta breath when u were writing this..cos mayne u don’t know how to write! Wrong punctuations and all..too long, boring and unnecessary..

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 6:01 pm

      I apologise.

    • terdoh

      October 13, 2011 at 4:17 pm

      As Kel’s voltron, I advise that you view this page with a browser, look to the right of the blog page, and review this comment. Thank you.

      * carries last and leaves*

  18. The Capoeira Panda

    July 18, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Hilarious post. ” I’ve ordered my neighborhood carpenter Monsuru (who sits in a corner wearing Dolce & Gabanna) to get on the canoe making job for me” LOL.
    Like I said on that funny day, I keep my opinions to myself. Not everything is meant to be said. I think that’s what’s best.

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 6:00 pm

      For some reason I really can’t point out, I really respect your sincerity and maturity as I’ve watched for a while…rare characteristics these days.
      Cheers and Thanks.

  19. BragginRightz

    July 18, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    Heehehe… _aughs #WithAnL

  20. MzLucyM

    July 18, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    asssociation of last carriers member here 😦

  21. Dominatrix

    July 18, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Na wa o! Yet again, you fail to acknowledge me. I’ll castrate you o!

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 6:24 pm

      Castrate?! Oh my!! *now acknowledging*

  22. pheary

    July 18, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    Ya just evil….

  23. terdoh

    July 18, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Complete foolery here mayne! COMPLETE! The last two paragraphs? #ThatIsAl_ #WithAMissingL. Oh, and what the fuck happened on twitter. I feel like I missed out on my own wedding anniversary! Wharrahell? This stupid school sef!

    • terdoh

      October 13, 2011 at 4:21 pm

      Dear Past Terdoh,

      We still don’t know what happened. You hate Kel for it, but I respect him for it. It’s funny, but just understand why Oga didn’t tell you anything. You weren’t meant to know. No one was.

      With the deepest respect and regard, I ‘say’ “:P”.

      With Love (No homo)
      Future Terdoh.

  24. bukiola

    July 18, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Lmao @ caught between the wig and the deep brown flood. Dis ‘1st to comment’ rilly pisses m off sha….*kmt

  25. bekezed

    July 18, 2011 at 6:11 pm


  26. ibetapassmynebo

    July 18, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    Urs truly…
    Ibeta WithAnL…..

  27. 0latoxic

    July 18, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Choi! My own haff finish ooooo!!! The sad tin be say I nor even see food chop for that wedding. I for don rub belle know say “at least the food sweet” but it was not to be so…. *smh*

    Good tin be say, as your very guys, we shall be your voltrons any day, any time….

    as long as BB batteries allow us… *covers face and strolls off*

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 6:29 pm

      Toks, ure just a phool…better go buy extra batteries :p

  28. esuga_suga

    July 18, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Hahaha. The hilarity of this post made the whole drama seem easy. Anyways,you both should be commended for your bravery. Though I think the whole thing on twitter was unnecessary and could have been avoided,It will be worth it only if u do not end up breaking up. Wish u guys the best. *now back to minding my biz*

  29. Nono

    July 18, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Ok firstly, as I must have been working the day the whole drama erupted, I of course carried last. Got to know about the whole ish recently. Now I don’t support anyone airing their dirty or semi-clean laundry in PUBLIC for whatever reason so I guess that states where I stand. Moving on…..I was one of the stuck peeps on that day. My bed all but threw me off when I got back. Bitch apparently didn’t like staying two days without me *sigh*. I’ve bought a canoe btw. I keep it tied to third mainland bridge……

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 7:01 pm

      So that canoe is yours eh? You might wanna check that its still there though, seeing as you were at cafelicious during yesterdays rain!
      And in other business, I totally get your point

  30. kemmiiii

    July 18, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    Kelvin, I really admired the maturity you guys displayed…aasin I would have blown o! If I was the one…
    Anyways,I support Mr. Panda..not everything should be said..
    This is a really lovely post (as always)
    I’m sure one of my abdominal muscles got displaced from its origin because of those chics at palms that change their ringtones because of the messy situation..
    And that lady that let go of her wig…maga must to pay UTUNU!!
    I’m out! #withbyforceL 😀

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 8:06 pm

      Well, different people handle ‘drama’ differently, I’ve learnt to let things simmer cos there’s no wisdom in the ‘swarshes’ of words… 😀
      Were u at the palms? Cos we were there before we moved to GET…
      Ah well…mwah!

  31. Nugwa

    July 18, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Mayne this flood obviously wasn’t beans oh… wish i experienced it… woulda been fun. Nice post bruv…

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 8:14 pm

      Fun eh? I’m sure that was what jack sought after on the the end, he met a watery grave! Lol..Tnx

  32. highlandblue

    July 18, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    I always find Kelvin funny. And he wants me to match him. *sighs*

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 8:13 pm

      Match ke? Joor o!!! Stop playing with fire dude!

  33. okikiola

    July 18, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    Nice Piece Of Work ….. U inspire sha

  34. SlevinCalevra

    July 18, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    You be yeye fowl.
    Anyway, I don’t really have a problem with the flood. The Yacht was on point… Another thing. I think all people who throw subs are cowards unless of course the subs are just jokes. As for the love post by Slim. Here’s my take:


    Privatising it wasn’t a good idea either. People wanna read, don’t deprive them of the opportunity.

    *now going back to form for this girl that is doing my runs…*

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 8:09 pm

      Sushey yii sha…

  35. The Relentless Builder

    July 18, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    Ah, I had a professor whose last name was Noah, and he was a (for lack of a better phrase) “pompous fish head” (I borrowed this from a friend), and a choir director who named his son (Yup! You guessed right), Noah!

    LOL @ Ab’oloshi ni e ni?! I suppose the Brazilian weaves that were floating around were later harvested and put to good use…I enjoyed reading this though!

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 8:11 pm

      Haha! The weaves would be recycled and repackaged as another form of attachment I guess…lol

  36. teebimbs

    July 18, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    I honestly think the storm would make u guys stronger but honestly I applaud u both ur ability to stay strong, mistakes were made but well it will make u grow. I wish u guys all d best. Ciao

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 8:21 pm

      Funny you just had to mention ‘storms’ in this post…lol
      Thanks though, there’s no smooth sailing experience in life, there r always jolts n stuff…we make mistakes n learn. .
      Thanks 4d wishes…and get a canoe for your storms oh!

  37. freshprinz

    July 18, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Hmmm…about ‘the post’, u already know my views on this so I won’t bother saying it again. BUT, I’m kinda sad I missed out on d action dat saturday. You know as a #TeamSawaleh Elder statesman its my duty to defend u against all ‘external bodies’.

    Now, about the flood…uhm…*scratches head*…coming soon to a blog near u. (Not mine either) 😉

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 11:29 pm

      You people can like to hurry with this ‘coming soon’ business…


  38. otas

    July 18, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    I mean the whole world already knows how I feel about the saturday issue, so its what it is. I really was just upset his biz was put out there without proper consent.

    The rest of the post was incredibly funny. Loool I actually want to be in Lagos so I see all the flood related comotion.


    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 11:26 pm

      Lol…we should probably start arranging your ticket and you have to arrive on a sunday cos that’s when all the action goes down so yu don’t miss a thing!…lol

      Tnx dear..

  39. slimsiren

    July 18, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Lol!!! The BB ladies speaking yoruba killed me. Ha! I can’t believe you wanted to throw this post away! Kelvin, how do you think up these things? We have to ga’an wash your head o…

    As for Saturday, well. Controversy was always my thing, so I had a little fun laughing at the jokes. As for the subs, I’ve never heeded cowards.

    And for that miserly voltron chatting shit up there, honey,you must be deluded. You’re far from a voltron now. Nit-picking just makes you a houseboy/girl. Plus, you don’t even have your identity up. That’s a whole new level of pathetic…

    Nice post love. 🙂

  40. Johnny Sushey

    July 18, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    Yo Kev!
    Bonnie & Clyde? come on! You guys are way cutter than that i suspect.
    One thing I’ve learned in life is, never fail to lend a helping hand but always mind your own business.
    To me, that day was just a Saturday. Keep your head up bro.

    • Kelvin

      July 18, 2011 at 11:27 pm

      Very well said…words of sage..Thanks man!

  41. OpeyemiWealthAdebayo

    July 18, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    Funny post.

  42. musingsofagidimallam

    July 18, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    LMAO…Kelvin…nice to know the award didn’t make you normal. Wonderful piece as usual.

    Guess you already know how I and the rest of #TeamSawaleh feel bout that post and the issue as a whole, but hey, you be our bruv, so we got your back anytime. Meanwhile, you know sey no be our fault na, the wedding was bunz, but network was shitty, na why we no fit do voltron that day.

    As for the flood, when life throws lemons at you, you open shop and start selling lemonade and cocktails. That entire day was trips for me thanks to y’all…and yes folks, it is coming to a blog near you…(not mine as well).

    *drops mic and picks up his flute of Zobo Imperial*

  43. Zeezam

    July 19, 2011 at 12:44 am

    Awwwwwwww I luv dat u did this….I ddnt get to read Slim’s post but the subs wur massive! I jst put my chin in my hand nd watched ikon Allah (hausa for God’s wonders) some ppl suprised me with their cc-ing sha,very disappointin….don’t really know u guys beyond ur tweets bt I lyk u guys nd those #withAnLs wurnt rili funny…sha keep ur heads up k? 🙂

  44. Master Sushey

    July 19, 2011 at 7:48 am

    *yawn*……..baskaliwag…Bonny ati Clyde bawo *kmt*
    okay the post funny small sha…*sigh*

    btw, tell Slim to unprivatize that post already or else na BPE and EFCC we go call for her as she no file the necessary papers to privatize am. If she no take care, her case go be like that of NITEL and you my friend shall be arrested for being an accessory too if she doesn’t do it ASAP.

    *Strolls away with Monrufu on a leash*

  45. Master Sushey

    July 19, 2011 at 7:52 am

    and by the way….was so gonna use that nfana ibaga line “Woke up in the morning and I get off my feet, say a Thank you prayer and I grabbed my phone to tweet” in one of my posts of the 30day challenge but u my friend beat me to it…..i go still use am sha….u fit call Copyright Commission, na u sabi

  46. lawunmikeks

    July 19, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Emmm..jst read dis on 19/07/11..well-ova 3hrs afta u pt dis up(jst tot u shld kno)..anyway,luvin ur blog..uv gt skills(am nt much of a blog fanatic but ur blog hs sumhw succeeded in bcumin one of my bookmarked sites)..stil tryna solve d@ mystery:-) job..*skips off 2 read older posts*

  47. StandupChic

    July 19, 2011 at 11:32 am

    *sigh*Kevin oh kevin! *big smile smiley* wish i was following u b4 d@ faithful saturday! 😦 sad much! wud definately have had ur back! people r just so quick to judge others … but the people talk talk shit the most r d grimmiest sons of bitches!

    as for the floods, 😀 we thank God there is nuthn my dry land in the FCT! 😛 hehehe!

  48. Eromzy

    July 19, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    It’s stale when you use ‘hilarious’ to classify kev’s write ups.. Metaphors on point, Use of English: 1st grade.. Keep it up bruv. It’s in you!

  49. MsWaspy

    July 20, 2011 at 9:20 am

    Kevin #withanL why dyu choose to exhibit different phases of ur madness with each passing day? Save some for us na 😦

    Love this post (y)

    Ps. I’m a sore member of the last carriers association 😦

  50. yemijohnson

    August 4, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    I know am kinda late as it is my culture and I’ve seldomly said dis but y’all wouldn’t know so I had say it again ‘water no get enemy, na rain get enemy’. RIlly wish I was around for d lagos rain, well *sighs* I have always been a member of the last carriers association.

  51. art guiness

    August 19, 2011 at 9:57 am

    okay…im no 70 (came after my fav no. (69) bite me) (bite me again for carrying last) and i missed out on the exclusive post (bite me again) but…this is d reason u and thetoolsman are my favorite bloggers. U bring the excitement to the story mehn!! And from dis day onward, i promise nt to carry last!!! If i ever come last again, bite me!!! Lol… (at this rate, i’ll turn to dead meat in no tym!!!)

  52. terdoh

    October 13, 2011 at 4:32 pm


  53. BoukkieO

    December 8, 2011 at 3:20 pm



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: