>Letter To Her

29 Mar

>*silence* door cringes, its 5am in d morning, huddled on a chair neckdeep in scribbling is this author…and then…a phone rings "…play any TerryG chant here* aaaarrrgh!!! There goes my epic intro…darn!!!

Hey y'all, welcome again to what promises to be a 'worth it' 10minute read..yeah, let's get str8 2d point————–> .
Ok, 2 of my fave bloggers did a post recently that inspired this.. @exschoolnerd wrote a letter to her unborn girl child view here and @nobsdasluushkid did one for his unborn son…since I was out of options n didn't wanna be cliche, I'm hereby writing this letter to my wife-to-be..

At Home (which is benin for now but will definitely change to Abuja (1st choice), New Lagos (2nd choice)

Hey sweetness, hon, babe, darlin, how u doing this beautiful day..yes I shall refer to u as any of d above n more most often, names like mama ____ will not be allowed in our home. What u will call me is up 2u as long as its not papa ___ or 'tomato jos' or 'jollof rice' Anyway, I'm sure u'll be too posh for that! So how are u? I'm going to skip the initial list of my preferences (tall, short, black, yellow, busty, slim etc) and go straight 2d issues..u can come from any part of d country although I seem to tend 2wds my type (no offense)..ok sweets, I know u're waiting for me somewhere, don't worry, I'm doing all I can to ensure that I'm with u in no distant time (say 'X'yrs from now) in the meantime, I hope u are not following men o! I hope nobody is 'doing' u…see I'm 'keeping' myself for u so u berra be doing d same. If uve been 'doing' tins, then u shd stop IMMEDIATELY u finish this note! Ahn ahn! No wife of mine would have shared things with every Punk, Dick and Horny that pays for BIS for her or takes her to u berra stop o! Ehen!!
Ok love, I'm a sucker for beauty I mean, look at me-u shd be able to complement all of this (yes)..this means I appreciate u looking good like always! Even in d house, I don't care how many wrappers ur mum n family friends gave u, they shd remain IN THE BOX they came with. The only wrapping u shd tie around d house is d duvet..ehen! Bum shorts are totally welcome, just ensure that u don't wear it in d presence of visitors (I don't want them drooling on our persian rug). Then hairnets, baybee I have no problem with them, as long as they don't smell like a skunk curled up in there and died..and err, u don't need to wear em all d time we r home.I love running my hand thru ur hair..ehn? What? Its Brazilian?! Ehen?? So brazilians don't run their hands..what rubbish! Behave o! *exhales*..
Yeah, pls ensure u spice up your underwear collection, Victoria Secret is definitely in (I can't wait to 'reveal' d secret) don't buy Victor's secret o! Ehen. Granny things are OUT! G-strings, C-strings even No-strings are allowed! Just be Hawt! Hawt! Hawt!!!
Alright babes, u know how ladies say "men are liars and cheats?" Here's d deal: I WILL lie to u! Yes I will!! Relax, calm down first naw, lemme explain! Haba!! Ehen! U should be happy I'm giving u dis heads up before time sef..yes as I was saying! I will lie to u..whenever we have a function to attend, know that I will reduce d time by 2hrs so that we will get there on time still, taking into consideration how u ladies need about 2hrs to fix your face but still to avoid delay, I'll make sure you have your own car so you can meet up..Also B, pls know that on days when I'm tired or ure delaying, my 'default' answer to d question "how do I look?" Will be "fine"….and Yes, I will cheat you..I don't know how yet, but I'm working on something and it doesn't involve another woman…or man! Maybe eating from your chicken when u ain't looking or something like that!
Now let's talk cooking..they say d way to a man's heart is his stomach, well that doesn't apply to me sha. I don't see why u shd go thru d stress of passing d stomach 2d heart when u can just go thru d chest…Anyways, (u'l get that if ure smart..I'm sure u are)…so yeah, I'm not so much of a food freak but I love 'eating'. I will come 2d kitchen often, help u slice stuff here n there, watch u waltz around with nothing but the CD player on..hehe..and then we can have interval 'snacks' *winks* while we await d food..(Yes its our house n we can parry where we wanna)..does this make me a sex freak? My dear, do u buy a BB and leave it without BIS all thru d yrs? Hian!! See groove o! U think I've been torturing myself watching spartacus for nothing? U think I read Nackson and Better Lover those days just bcos I loved reading? We musto do utunnu, room, kitchen, library/study, terrace, bathroom, visitor's room…be prepared o! How did we leave d issue of food and enter sex sef? Ah well, its a common progression. I'm sure u will get used to it.
Alrighty then, to d issue of kids..err..well, its d 21st century so having kids like rabbits is so old fashioned, I'm thinking we do a maximum of 3, I'm just thinking sha, ehen! But during our first year of marriage, we aint gonna be 'doing' for kids o! Abeg, I don't want no baby sucking from the same milk factory yet, after one year she/he can join! I'm selfish? Oh yes! Leaf it like dat!!! Moving on cupcakes, this part is quite sensitive so we must tread with caution. It concerns the REMOTE! Yes that object used to control the TV…well, naturally its a male toy and we get the best from it when we hold it, it just makes the world more beautiful..whenever I'm with it, I'd appreciate if u just quietly come and cuddle beside me, play with my chest hairs and whisper sweet nothings into my ear..telling me to get the door or help u get sth at dat time is a No-No! If I'm watching footie, oh! That's like new year service, hard to miss…also babes, pls get some PS3 or Xbox experience cos we definitely are gonna have that in our home..imagine me thrashing u in FIFA or both of us teaming up in Call of Duty..mad stuff, and when we r victorious, we can have mad, steamy sex..*oh get a grip kelvin* anyway, u catch my drift yeah? In our home there shall be no 'do me, I do you' so don't expect me to sit n watch AfMagic with u..I can endure desperate Housewives and Cougar Town but jim Iyke n Tonto Dike? Hell NO!!! What kinda name is Tonto Dike sef? Take out 2 letters from d name and u have a whole new meaning…smh..
Oh! BTW, I'm a good repairman, I can change bulbs and fix in batteries, that's it! The fact that I studied engineering doesn't mean I can fix d TV or d generator or the blender/toaster…let's not be greedy, let d money go round.
Okay love, I've written a lot and I'm sure with these few points of mine, I've been able to paint a clear pic..let's not go into how we'll treat inlaws n stuff, joint accounts etc..we'll yarn that one during d honeymoon..and yeah, just incase ure one of d expectant 'wedding night action' ladies, errr…pls bear with me if I sleep off based on stress, heck! We've got our whole lives ahead of us…I love u already B, u can like to show up now in girlfriend form..emm..if ure in unilag now, there might be a problem, covenant uni is a plus but a graduating 'test' will have 2be done 2ensure that goods invested in are in perfect condition.

This letter is written with love and sealed with a kiss.
XXXXXXXXXXX <——–shebi this is kiss?

Ok peoples, the letter has been sent, not by NIPOST sha, so that she gets it on time..Meanwhile, allow me to welcome to Blogsville my *clears throat* darling @SlimSiren . You should please check out her stuff on She's one helluva writer and pls carry your brains along when reading her stuff, u know here we just drop 'em n read along but u're gonna need 'em there! Heehee

Its a wrap people, if this blog has inspired u to do great things and explore your hidden potentials to make this world a better place, pls share with your family and friends and help them tap their untapped strength, dormant ability…oh shut up kelvin! U're not THAT good!!!

*walks away, pen in mouth*


Posted by on March 29, 2011 in Uncategorized


15 responses to “>Letter To Her

  1. @seunsalami

    March 29, 2011 at 8:58 am

    >@KevinWithAnL Always hilarious! It takes a lot to think and write like this, trust me.

  2. Bagz' bloggin!

    March 29, 2011 at 9:24 am

    >@KevinWithAnL: LWKMD4H o! Jeez!! Mos def the hilarious stuff I've read yet! Kudos Kevin.

  3. @seryxme

    March 29, 2011 at 9:31 am

    >Wanted 2 post 1st buh…wtf, i can say warreva's on my mind, weneva.Ok, 1st, *talkin 2 Kev's B*, he didn't mention he's kinda crazy but i'm sure u'd see dat in his 'erratic thot progression'.2nd, he's actuali a kewl guy, if u tk out d 'craziness' (which won't exactli leave mch of him but u can mng sha).3rd, (wat else can i add?)…emmm…Let's leave it like dat 4 nw…watch out 4 pt. 2 of my comment! In theaters soon!!Ok, now to address d 'problem' called Kev himself…another creative one from dat crazy mind o' urs! Bet she got a good insight! And how 'bout…'HER'?

  4. Anonymous

    March 29, 2011 at 9:50 am

    >I love! I wish you wrote more coherently though. It would have made this so much more fun to read.

  5. @Thelmatweets

    March 29, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    >Oh my! Kev, Thankx soooo much for the thrilling lecture. But, I'm sure u r aware dat PES3 n d likes will def bring chaos- so, u watch out for dat, no woman shud endure dat n btw, family responsibilities will eradicate it,slowly n surely.I had fun reading it. Thank u.

  6. Jennifer Erosi Abah

    April 5, 2011 at 11:56 pm

    >remove two letters from tonto dike….hmmmmm…lol…good stuff..your writing is always delightfully entertaining

  7. B

    May 4, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    Chest hair!!!! *faints*

    • Kelvin

      May 5, 2011 at 5:02 am

      Oh my! When I saw ‘B’, I thot it was..*ahem*, haha! Tnx dear, u need CPR?

  8. Bee

    May 4, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    Chest hair!!!! *faints* *faints again*

  9. Terdoh

    May 5, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Nice post Kev. Real nice. And that To(n)to Dik(e) part was real creative.

    • Oge Ngonadi

      June 30, 2011 at 3:45 pm

      HA! For a minute there I just thought Tonto Dike, remove two letters was referring to —> Onto Dik (you know take away the first T and last E)
      Maybe it’s just my mind…. (cough) (cough)

  10. Kris Paow

    May 9, 2011 at 12:25 am

    Nice piece…my gf says she had fun reading it!!!!
    I loved all d sex points..buh hey wat bout standing beside her n discussing while she shiitting!!!!lmao..

  11. honeysucklebelle

    May 12, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Absolutely love this write up. Not only do I agree wit what u say, I think I fit d profile a lil too perfectly.
    I shd show up in girlfriend form abi? No wahala. Let’s start frm somewhere.
    Sorry I’m jus readin u for d first time, what’s ur twitter acct?

    • Kelvin

      May 12, 2011 at 4:05 pm

      Hehe..tnx…I’m @KevinWithAnL , pls do find time to ‘enjoy’ the rest..and ‘see’ u soon

  12. a.d

    June 28, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    kevin kevin kevin, wrote a leta2her an actuali got a ‘close match. Lol awesome read, adding2ma blogroll


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