RuLeS oF enGagEmenT

17 Aug

*Beats by Dare blaring mad sounds as this author jerks off…Lyrics playing “…My left hand weak, I put the right in”* Lord, my readers are such pervs! What were you thinking? Jerking off? Left hand? Father purge them.

Welcome guys, Men, I can’t begin to tell you how busy I’ve been/being (sideeye @ Olatoxic). I can’t claim to have writer’s block like Larry Sushey or that terror Terdoh, nah..more like writer’s burn-out, what with the recent features on @bule_jr’s “date days” and Afrosays “Decades” coupled with my weekly newspaper writing schedule and all, men I felt like a slacked pant. And so I took a lil’ break from Twitter and Blogsville for a bit. But I’m BACK! 😀 No applause? Ok, straight to why we are here.

Today guys, we are just gonna talk about the Do’s and Don’ts of Twitter Fights, Twitter Scandals And Voltronism. I was literally rolling during the last Twitter brouhaha featuring Dammiesmalls and her ‘(w)horde’. Having been in the eye of the storm myself, I just thought I’d share these with ya!

1.If you’re both girls and you decide to share stories of your conquests and stupidity, please include names and handles. Whoever mentions names wins.
2.Make sure your avatar is worth looking at (after we get handles of fighters, we ALWAYS check out your picture).
3.Ensure that your spellings are correct and you don’t abbreviate. If you write like a retard, we just conclude that you are. Stuff like “yur jez a feckin gehl, I kent be ngagin yu” No! NO!!!
4.Have solid, original punch lines (things like “your brideprice is one expired sperm, you look like menstruation blood etc :D) Thank you Asabzy!
5.Do NOT delete your account afterwards. (That just makes ‘courage the cowardly dog’ more courageous than you are b!tch)
6.Aunties, if you can back up your tweets with pictures, we will definitely ‘dey your back’
7.For guys, the more intellectual your punches are, the better. (don’t tell us the size of your schlung. We don’t care)
8.Guys, it’s a chicken move to bring family members into your fights. Face the person mano-a-mano. Don’t insult their family
9.Never, NEVER google insults. NEVER!!! *tears shirt and enters sackcloth aka bag of rice*
10.Sometimes, silence does wonders! But not when you started it o!

Moving on, so I was BBming with my boy, @FreshPrinzVick and he had some things to say in addition to these, especially for the broads who are either into aristoism or are sidechics and find themselves in these fights, here are some useful points you should note:
*points in parenthesis are mine*

1.If u must shag anyone and his father, make sure they are both filthy rich. Two generation of wealthy sperm is definitely #winning. (make sure you brag about it. Add it to your Twitter bio, handle and professional CV sef).
2.Keep your medical history to yourself. Even if the V.D sounds like it should be on a breakfast menu. It can and will be used against you when the time is right. (Or when your yansh is being opened *literally)
3.If you’re a side chick or used to be one, NEVER make random discriminatory remarks about other side chicks EVEN if they try to steal your man. #Hypocrisy is a privilege granted only to S.U’s (go figure!)
4.Lastly but MOST importantly, have NO friends! You don’t want to be involved in every catfight. This is bad for business and your true value (per night) might be revealed. (you think Odina has friends?)

Thanks Vic. Incase you’re wondering how Vic knows all these, emm…he ‘was’ an Ex-whore. Oh! He blogs too at (Nigguh, u gon’ pay for this)

Unlike Twitter fights, these do not necessarily involve back and forth confrontation, But a situation where the ‘whole Twitter’ gets on your gist and you are the recipient of several subs, direct insults etc. Emmm, who can I use as example now *thinking deeply* Oh yeah! do you guys remember that chic that wrote a blogpost about her boyfriend #withAnL? You do, yeah? You don’t? ahn ahn…The one with the Ugwu leaves naw? Aha! You remember now abi? E-diots! Well, that right there was a Twitter scandal of epic proportions. Another example was the ‘somti’ issue and then the case of the leaked underwear picture 😀 Lets learn some lessons from these shall we?

1.Like Twitter fights, ensure your AVATAR is worth looking at. This is the first thing that would be checked out (good thing the Siren chic in the #withanL issue was worth looking at, if not…*sign of the cross* the guy has a big nose but I’m sure big is his default size so ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯ )
2.Do NOT try to defend yourself. It’s Twitter. We don’t want an explanation. We want the entertainment.
3.When in the spotlight, your ‘friends’ are revealed. Most will even join and yab you sef. The true ones stay true but for the snakes, (pray that their time comes too and when it does, rub the pepper in well!)
4.Make light humor out of it all. If you can laugh at yourself, the subs and/or hits won’t hurt that bad (but no lie sha, e can pain!!)
5.If you decide to engage your ‘attackers’, ensure you have the intellectual depth to do so. Be witty and smart or just shut the hell up! (Also ensure your battery is full and you have good network reception)
6.That is NOT the time to tweet stuff totally unrelated to the subject.

There are people who will naturally come to your aid whenever sh!t hits the fan. Your team, Your ride-or-die ohon nigguhs. In Twit-lingo, we call them Voltrons. There are some rules regarding voltronism as well. We shall use the most recent fight as case study

1.The AVATAR. This point cannot be over emphasized. Did you see what became of Mr P? Did you see how quick the tables turned on him? Dude was having fun RT’ing and stuff but he ignored the number 1 rule: “Ensure that you have an avatar worth looking at.” If you don’t, remain an egg, don’t use your picture and just hush up!
2.Do not Bite more than you can chew especially if you already have a mouthful…emm, pun NOT intended 😀
3.Do not make an ASS of yourself in the voltronic process..neigh!….pun NOT intended again. 😀
4.If a spoof picture is made of/for you, do NOT use it as your avatar in an attempt to ‘laugh at yourself, it makes you look retarded!
5.Make sure the person you’re forming Voltron for knows who you are. (otherwise, we will enter you next)
6.Except you have some certain kinda levels on Twitter eg u’re a Twitter Celeb, god, Lord etc, do NOT brag about being anyone’s voltron. Most times, all you will get is a seat or Maltina.
7.The most respected Voltrons show their face in their avatars. Dem no dey fear. If u’re hiding behind pictures and stuff, you are just a puny ass coward…You ain’t no Voltron, you is a…*sigh* calm down kelvin, deep breath..

In all of this, sha remember that what goes around comes around. Let Us pray:

“Father, I pray for all that have read this post, I pray that you bless them with wisdom. I pray for all of them that subbed me and insulted me during my own time in the spotlight. Father do their own for them, make them bigger. Give them a scandal. Lord as they have laughed at others, give us reason to laugh at them afterall, your word says we should laugh with those that laugh. Let us be awake when their matter arises, let our network be good. For those seeking followers, father give them a battle-a fight, let them trend as I did. Let them feel what Mr P felt, let them feel how wande coal felt. We know its not a long thing for you to do. Thank u Lord…and the people say…


Ok o, emm..i’ve gotta go. Till I come your way whenever I do, its your boy. Any further advice on these issues, feel free to share. And yeah, a free BB battery for the first to comment! 😀


Posted by on August 17, 2011 in Life


97 responses to “RuLeS oF enGagEmenT

  1. 0latoxic

    August 17, 2011 at 3:50 pm


    • keLvin

      August 17, 2011 at 4:37 pm

      Why would you be first sef? which kind of evu spirit is this?

      • 0latoxic

        August 17, 2011 at 5:17 pm

        The Vic O type. I’ll be expecting my Brand New Original RIM-Made battery when we see this weekend, bruv… I sure say you dey hope say na pesin wey you no go fit deliver to go win am, abi?! God don catsh you…

      • Kelvin

        August 17, 2011 at 5:34 pm

        Well, sorry to burst your bubble bruv, but I didn’t mention anything about ‘NEW battery’ in the post… Yup, I take precautions!

    • Holymoe'

      August 17, 2011 at 4:44 pm

      1st to comment on the 1st comment.. Do I get a free blackberry pouch *expectant smile*

    • 0latoxic

      August 17, 2011 at 5:08 pm

      “I can’t begin to tell you how busy I’ve been/being” Dude still don’t know the difference *smh*…
      “…he ‘was’ an Ex-whore” Yep, he’s defo still a whore…
      “There are people who will ‘naturally’ come to your aid whenever sh!t hits the fan. Your team, Your ride-or-die ohon nigguhs” This is a SUB! Yeah, we decoded that sh!t. The wedding rice was too sweet, what can we say? ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯

      • Kelvin

        August 17, 2011 at 5:22 pm

        Buhahahahahaha…I HATE u holmes!
        Your mates are betrayoing for gold and stuff, ure betraying for wedding rice.

      • 0latoxic

        August 17, 2011 at 5:46 pm

        ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯

        Heyss, you can like to make the drop-down replies here more than 3. Oh, I forgot, u’re too retarded to know how. I could show you though but first…. Pay me! (a Brand New battery would do) 3-|

      • FreshPrinz

        August 18, 2011 at 11:00 am

        But I was d bestman :'(. I couldn’t use my phone during d wedding nau. Plus, none of u informed me till d day after.
        Btw, tokunbo I am not a whore….are u looking for more members for ur club? *super side eye*

  2. BoukkieO

    August 17, 2011 at 4:00 pm


  3. Tomboxe

    August 17, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Hahahahaha… Rolling in the deep with my voltrons laughing… Okay bye.

  4. musingsofagidimallam

    August 17, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Kelvin will not use laff and kill me o…bwuahahahahahahaha…that prayer killed it mehn. Bros ur head is der. This should become an essential read in all twitter-related schools, clubs, events, etc. In fact, it should be published and put in the Library of Congress…hehehehe.
    Great stuff mehn, u no disappoint…as usual.

  5. Okhai_Hov

    August 17, 2011 at 4:04 pm


  6. Andhiii

    August 17, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Nice. 🙂
    Good job, Kelvin. Good job!

    (See I’m saying something nice. I could have trashed you but I’m being nice. That’s is because I’m naturally nice, Kelvin.)

    • keLvin

      August 17, 2011 at 4:39 pm

      Too bad i’m finding this out after our break up Amanda…too bad 😦

  7. thepervnerd

    August 17, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Nothing here about Ibo girls? Oh crap!

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 4:47 pm

      Your search continues then…

  8. BBB

    August 17, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    lmao, best post this week, hands down, im literally rolling, OMG tooo funny

  9. terdoh

    August 17, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    “Thank u Lord…and the people say…


    I fell off my office chair! This is just retarded! Oh, and I know I’m carrying last like a dumb primary 4 kid, but Kel, you owe me gist oh! Which one was “your time in the spotlight”??

    *awaiting the DM*

    (and when did I become a terror? That’s not fair. I’m a good boy. :()

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 4:54 pm

      Ah! Terror, even after I subbed myself here on this post? If you can’t decipher it oya go back to sending love messages on Facebook

      And hope you didn’t break the office chair!

    • keLvin

      August 17, 2011 at 5:54 pm

      Ah! Terroh, even after all the subs i subbed myself even here in this post? you still cant decipher? need to go back to facebook and start writing notes…
      hope you didnt spoil the office chair

  10. Kleopahtra

    August 17, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    Hmmm.. Issorai. The Lord is our Muscle.. Kelvin ByeBye!!!
    Very Funny post. 😀

  11. ibetapassmynebo

    August 17, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    And the moral of the story is………..
    *now heading to delete my account*

    • Giagerry

      August 17, 2011 at 4:40 pm

      As in ehn! looooL–Twitter is getting like another degree of its own yo! Lol

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 4:56 pm

      Emmm…why though?

  12. cecenostockings

    August 17, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Kelvin oh!! Chai!!! I kent. I just kent

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 5:01 pm

      Emm…coco butter mi, u kent what?

      • FreshPrinz

        August 18, 2011 at 11:04 am

        Uhm…no one is allowed to call my cocoabutter cocobutter except me. I thought u had ur own A-cup…:>

  13. mobollah

    August 17, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    VERY HILARIOUS post & YES I rily nid dt battery *sigh*

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 4:58 pm

      Eyah, try the next blog..hahaha…oya, ask olatoxic to dash u.

  14. Folarin

    August 17, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    Kevin, this is vintage you! Made my day.

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 4:59 pm

      Yessir, even I feel that way. Thanks. Glad I did.

  15. dhamyhan

    August 17, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Lmao at ‘neigh, Pun not intended again’…

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 5:02 pm

      Aha! I see you got my drift there…nice!

  16. bolouere

    August 17, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Ok kevin I always love it when ure d one writing**no offence to ur featured artist abi writers**
    I thot I had enough laugh going thru the rules then came d prayer..nice one dear!

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 5:03 pm

      Awww, tanx bibi…and guess what! The prayer was an add-on when I read it just before was just ‘jara’

  17. a_lil_xtra

    August 17, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    ROTFLMAO!!! Kelvin, Ʊ won’t kill ♏ƺ with laff,I swear!!! “And the people say…” I fit faint!!!

  18. sande189

    August 17, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Hilarious stuff! Good going… Now subscribing to your blog.

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 5:05 pm

      Yay! Dancing “who runs the world” Shouting GIRLS!! All na washy o #Lowkey

  19. Kemmiiii

    August 17, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    Chimo! Kelvin o!

  20. tolz

    August 17, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    L.O. #WithAnL

  21. Astorre

    August 17, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Haha! This needs to be in the Nigerian Twitter T&C… Tho, no one would read it there…

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 5:07 pm

      Haha! Eggzaktly! No one reads that stuff.

  22. afrosays

    August 17, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Been a while since I laughed this hard on your blog. Subbing peoples now, ey?
    **Sips voltron engine oil**

    • @bule_jr

      August 17, 2011 at 5:09 pm

      after you.

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 5:09 pm

      Eysss.. S’ora é o! Who did I sub naw? The siren chic or the #withAnL dude? Abegii, let them come. I have digested the rules of engagement and my voltrons are ready too.

  23. atinuke

    August 17, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    Jisox!I have been laughing since! Especially the voltrons getting a seat or a maltina! Hhahahahaha….kevin,you try!

  24. zeesparklez

    August 17, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    Kelvin!! Kelvin!!! Kelvin!!!!……… God go make u bigger. Everyone needs to read this.

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 5:12 pm

      Bigger where exactly?

      • Laydeelara

        August 18, 2011 at 7:52 am

        (*coughs) Everywhere that matters.

      • yemijohnson

        August 20, 2011 at 6:40 pm

        laffin like an ass “Bigger where exactly?” where do u think.

  25. dhamilola

    August 17, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    Uя å certified crazy dude.

  26. edgothboy

    August 17, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    *starts petition for article to be added to #NigerianTwitterForDummies.* About time somebody created rules for twitfights. If only one of those ‘horde’ was on naira tweets… *sigh*

  27. MsWaspy

    August 17, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    O lawdy lawd!
    I just want to say a quick prayer for Kelvin…Lord grant sanity where insanity’s taken over!
    It is well!

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 5:13 pm

      And kelvin says “sanni who?”

  28. Thetoolsman

    August 17, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    He’s not well.. lmao

  29. pheary

    August 17, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    hohhohohohhohohhohoohohooohh i laugh because i cn see.. i see somethn but *lips sealed* Nice Post…

  30. deeza

    August 17, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    #rolling!! Omd! Omd! I’m def taking tips frm this!! *more laughter*

  31. Intoxyka

    August 17, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    *now cradling stomach in arms* Oh goodness kev! If you can do this on paper (literarily) I wonder what would happen face to face. How do your friends cope?

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 5:17 pm

      Don’t be deceived, I’m a ‘scent!’

  32. @mizztosin

    August 17, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    *rolling* twitfights sha…..4 jobless pple na! Both d pple fighting n those of us watching….

  33. Femi

    August 17, 2011 at 5:12 pm



    Yet another…. *sigh*.

  34. Sha-Sha

    August 17, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Buahahahahahahahahahahahaha. OMG my chest hurts! U my friend are a wonderful peoples! Great stuff hun :*

  35. kechilauren

    August 17, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Kelvin I’m going to need you to go on breaks more often..oK? ..this post is tooo funny! (Y)

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 6:10 pm

      I agree dear…

  36. Natasha

    August 17, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Kelvin I love you!

    • Kelvin

      August 17, 2011 at 6:13 pm

      O_O oh my!

    • Slim

      August 17, 2011 at 7:59 pm

      Err, I guess she beat me to it. Kelvin, (Y)

      • Kevmeister

        August 18, 2011 at 11:09 pm

        Lmao!!!!!! *rolling*

  37. jemjem

    August 17, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    I like…esp d prayer..*crickets..
    Reminded of a situation in church whr d guvnor was bn prayed for n d congregation refused to answer..lmao!

  38. Sir_b3llo

    August 17, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    Ldkm4h….rolling in gutter……nice 1 bauss….really really nice….*chews maltina label*

  39. kayaderemi

    August 17, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Okay I had 2 comment 4 d first time…oh Lawd my Gawd!!!I haff die!!!

  40. krimchoco

    August 17, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Lmao, nce write up.. Am so savin dt prayer

  41. aisha

    August 17, 2011 at 8:48 pm

    Kelvin pls can we meet,I like u

  42. aisha

    August 17, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    Pls I love u more than natasha

  43. mobollah

    August 17, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    Olatoxic pls can u “dash” me d battery 😀

  44. Georgeenah (@georgeenah)

    August 17, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    Hahahahahaha!jehovah!!! I don roll reach kafanchan! I don’t even have fave lines cos everything’s just too crazy!and I’m sure some very intelligent people would take notes and start living the life lmao!

  45. MzLucyM

    August 17, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    Lollll dis is alot!! Kelvin Kelvin, hmm I know a good doc dt can help wif dis r crase ooo.

  46. justlikeanoreo

    August 17, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    I just love this..hilarious
    You’re so silly

  47. coolprincee

    August 17, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    #TwitFights Huh…
    you got d rules from a good angle.
    i haven’t really seen a good tweet fight so in my opinion it’s quite over rated till i see manny pacquaio & floyd mayweather in a twit fight 😀

  48. DarkFantasy

    August 17, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    *rolling* this is very hilarious

  49. SlevinCalevra

    August 17, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    He’s said it all. #thatisall.

  50. 'Jibòla (@JibolaL)

    August 18, 2011 at 5:02 am


    I swear ehn, that prayer at the end was too deep! See me saying God Forbid, I reject it! And tryna remember all the things I said in the #withanL matter while still laughing out loud.


    Hahahahahah I rejettt eeeeetttt

  51. lepahtohbahd

    August 18, 2011 at 9:31 am

    Oooh,so Natasha beat me to it 😥
    ‘Thumbs up’ or ‘good job’ won’t xpress ma feelings right so let me put it dis way,I ℓ♥√ع u too much :D….This post is totally insane.i hope my posts would be almost half as good as yours are…watch out o!(Its for charity tho) 😉
    Plus,i think i shud get dat ba3..let’s not follow d usual trend of giving stuff to only †ђξ first 3 pple jor.
    Ehen,beats by Dre…sounds by Pasuma?? OkBye

  52. aisha

    August 18, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Ur u bitches telling kelvin u luv him can like 2 back tha fuck off, kelvin bby I am ur true love

  53. Eromzy

    August 18, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Smh.. Insane boy. #WithAnL

  54. desola1

    August 18, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Oh my days!!! Kelvin…this has made my day! God Bless you…*ROTFLMAO*…especially the prayer!!AMEN.. 😀

  55. thatifygirl

    August 18, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    I receive it, in Jesus name. I hope it’s OK if I add one more prayer point?
    “Lord, please, let our twitfights and scandals actually be noticed. Let us fight with big twitter celebrities that will publicize it and make us popular. N’aha Jesus.”

    Thank you, brother KeLvin.

  56. @ThisBoyPerforms

    August 18, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    I was laughing uncontrollably… Then I saw the prayer!

    Kelvin!!!! You killed it!

    Thanks for the comic relief!!!!

  57. Daisy

    August 18, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Kevin *sigh* I really don’t know what to say here. Oh and I carried last on that #withAnL ish. Oh well ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯

  58. highlandblue

    August 18, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    Twitfight Rule. Don’t tweet too much with time. Space it out so you don’t go into twitjail while everyone is subbing ur ass. It can pain. (Many twitfights come to a premature end because of this :D)

  59. Myne Whitman

    August 19, 2011 at 9:24 am

    LOL….at your tips, I saw the Dammiesmalls gist somewhere, hmmm…SMH.

  60. jhymy

    August 19, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    first paragraph had me laughing so hard my stomach hurt,…. twitfight rule #1 ..DON’T

  61. salvador

    August 20, 2011 at 10:35 am

    Damn some funny eish!! LMAO

  62. DeMorrieaux

    August 22, 2011 at 4:57 am

    interesting/funny read.. “bold” prayer 😉

  63. Wealth Adebayo

    August 22, 2011 at 9:58 am

    Funny stuff. I need to join twitter ASAP, sounds like fun.


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