“Its time for the news o! where is that boy? Has anyone seen KWAL?”
“Sir, he hasn’t come to work since Saturday”
“Since SATURDAY?!!! Who is going to cast the news then?”
“Sir, we have options. There’s MissJailer, There’s Abuka and there’s GossiperGirly”
“Mtscheeew!!! I don’t want any of them. Get me “THE MAN!”
“*gasps* Sir, but THE MAN has retired!”
“I don’t care if he’s tired, tiring or trying to retire. GET HIM!”
Good Morning, Afternoon, Evening and welcome to your someday someday Tonic. My name is PhrankOlizer and I have been drafted in to read the news in the absence of your regular host KWAL. Please note that the management of this station has declared KWAL wanted. Any information about his whereabouts should please be reported to the nearest err…station?!
Welcome again…You sure don’t want to miss this. Here are some of the Major stories for this edition.
Under 25 night driving banned
Hoeliver Twisting banned
Price of Ugwu skyrockets as a result of scandal.
State of emergency declared on Blogsville
We’ll be back after this message from our sponsors.
*#np Chigurl’s Enigma…”don’t be a weist…”
The Resident and supposed Commando in chief of the Federal republic of 9ja, Dr GridLock JoorOh has been rumored to have introduced a new rule banning people under the age of 25 from driving at night. Our information sources revealed that this rule was necessitated after the resident’s convoy was involved in a near fatal car accident on the ever busy Asokoro road in Abuja. The resident was returning from a night out with the ‘boys’ in celebration of the recent release of 9ja footballer Micah obi’s father.
Riding in Micah’s Range Rover sport, it was reported that Mr Micah had had too much to drink and swerved the car while trying to avoid a pothole thus crashing into the road divider. We got this audio recording from one of the residents aides showing what ensued after:
Resident: “Micah, are you mad? You want to kill me? Are you high?”
Micah: “Your excellency..i ’m … I’m sorry! Blame it on the alcohol”
Resident: “in this drama, you’re still quoting Kanye?”
Micah: “Jamie Foxx actually sir!”
Resident: “You must be high. Shey the Chelsea is worrying you?”
Micah: “Sir, lets not bring my club into this..please”
Resident: *turns to his wingman* “Amadi can you imagine this boy o?”
Micah: “ Sir, I was just trying to dribble past the pothole on your road”
Resident: “Dribble? DRIBBLE? When last did you dribble past anything in your life? Your own is to be carrying ball back”
Micah: “Sir, I shall not stand here and listen to you insult my skills, I am going to sit down.”
Resident: “I’m sure those skills involve inability to score a goal in 4 years” *laughs and hi5’s Amadi*
Micah: “I have had it..i’m walking away!”
Resident: “come back here small boy!”
Amadi: “hahahaa..he’s joking sir, just quoting Craig david.”
*Micah enters car and drives off*
Resident *transfixed* “Amadi, ARE YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND WATCH ME…”
Amadi: “Eminem and Rihanna sir, nice one!”
Resident: “You’re just foolish. Get me the national rule book. I have a new rule to enforce”
So people, that is the inside scoop on the origin of this new rule. Don’t ask me if Micah is under 25. His father has been released, go and ask him.
In more Ban news, the recent musical released from the stables of MOreHeaT titled “Hoeliver Twisting” has been canned by the NBC. Haha! NBC, Canned 😀 ..get it? Yes? 🙂 No? 😦 ok 😐 …The song was banned for various reasons among which are:
Content: we hear that the the lyrics of the song which depict D’bangs desire and intention towards some women were frowned at by these women. Our correspondent reveals that Bee said “who is stopping D’bang from being with me? He better come now before i become the best he never had.” As a result of much confusion, the lyrics are being worked on as we speak by master poet D’prinz
Video: The trouser worn by DonJasi was considered not fit for viewing pleasure as it looked like it was something borrowed out of LuClays Pyjamas closet,
Also, In the background was a paused PS3 game between Arsenal and Man UTD with the score at 0-0. This was also considered misleading and false. A petition was sent to the NBC by ManUtd stating that ” the default scoreline in any match between the two sides should be 8-2″
Lastly, lots of people are reported to have injured themselves while attempting to record their own Twisting videos. The latest victim being Man City’s Samir Nasri who broke his hand while attempting to do some. Kraze Brown type hand movement ish.
*who writes these things? What on earth is ish?*
Cameraman: “Issue sir!”
In Twitter news, Saturday’s seem to bring out the best of tweeps. This Saturday was no exception as another ‘scandal’ seemed to rock the Twitterverse. The main characters in this drama were Slim, TBN and k..wait! WHAT? KWAL? Our own KWAL? Oh my! Our correspondent TheGuttedPrince who always has his nose in these scandals reports that all hell broke loose when TBN who happened to have been ‘dumped’ out of CaptainPanda’s P-setting class tweeted thus:
“Wait! When Slim cheated on me & left me for KWAL, she let the whole world know! Now that they have split, no blog???” (E can pain sha. Choi!!!)
Before you could scream “Ugwu”, it was everywhere and Slim and KWAL begun trending again (for the wrong reasons eh?). Anyway, its no wonder KWAL has gone AWOL. He’s probably hiding his head under some rock somewhere.. As usual, different theories flew left, right and center and KWAL decided to keep mute. He did however send a text message to his guy ‘Terror’ who leaked it to us for a tube of lube. The text read: “I shall not engage in mudslinging ‘cos I have much respect for mud!” Deeper revelations show that his BIS abi BBWEEK must have expired. KWAL is just a Broke ass, spineless, i-have-shit-in-my-pants Mo’fo. WAIT!! Who wrote this news?
**commotion in newsroom, man dashes into studio, pushes PhrankOlizer off seat*
Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is VickDaFreshPrince and I have a confession. Yes. There was a 3rd guy involved. O_O Don’t believe everything you read on your timeline. This whole thing is one big jersey shore drama and its deeper than you think you know…*evil laugh* You think Slim will just blog and expose herself like that? You think KWAL has become ‘popular’ by mistake? You think its normal that KWAL and Slim are still friends after it all? Oh c’mon. You think KWAL and TBN didn’t plan this shit? I even have a picture of them (which I took) to prove it. (don’t make me leak it). I am the 3rd guy in this trinity..infact, I am actually the first. KWAL is just a serial home wrecker. This is a script written a long long looong time ago. I kid you not. Since the punk ass, silence-is-the-best-answer-for-a-cry-baby-so-i-wont-say-a-thing KWAL won’t say a thing, I, in my awesomeness have taken this load upon myself and will hereby reveal to you all the ‘TRUE 411″ #no419
For more information.
*drops mic and walks out*
*PhrankOlizer re-enters* well guys you heard the man…
To end the news today, before some other mad hatter runs in here. I’m too old for this shit.
A state of emergency has been declared in Blogsville as it has been discovered that anything you blog can be used against you on Twitter. This has resulted in some popular bloggers taking a back seat to avoid the lash and stoning from the thirsty, stone-in-hand tweeps. We would like to remind our viewers that generalizations are dangerous. There still are some wonderful writers out there and a few bad eggs shouldn’t define the whole. And remember, if you have a Twitter account and enjoy cursing bloggers, be careful because you are also referring to yourself.
According to Wikipedia, “Twitter is an online social networking and MICROBLOGGING service that enables its users to send and read text based posts of up to 140 characters” 😀
That wraps it up for the news ladies and Gentlemen. Remember to live in peace and love with each other. Till KWAL returns from his Ugwu hibernation…
*VickDaFreshPrinz storms in again*