In The NewS IV

08 Sep

“Its time for the news o! where is that boy? Has anyone seen KWAL?”
“Sir, he hasn’t come to work since Saturday”
“Since SATURDAY?!!! Who is going to cast the news then?”
“Sir, we have options. There’s MissJailer, There’s Abuka and there’s GossiperGirly”
“Mtscheeew!!! I don’t want any of them. Get me “THE MAN!”
“*gasps* Sir, but THE MAN has retired!”
“I don’t care if he’s tired, tiring or trying to retire. GET HIM!”

Good Morning, Afternoon, Evening and welcome to your someday someday Tonic. My name is PhrankOlizer and I have been drafted in to read the news in the absence of your regular host KWAL. Please note that the management of this station has declared KWAL wanted. Any information about his whereabouts should please be reported to the nearest err…station?!
Welcome again…You sure don’t want to miss this. Here are some of the Major stories for this edition.

Under 25 night driving banned
Hoeliver Twisting banned
Price of Ugwu skyrockets as a result of scandal.
State of emergency declared on Blogsville

We’ll be back after this message from our sponsors.

*#np Chigurl’s Enigma…”don’t be a weist…”

Welcome back.

The Resident and supposed Commando in chief of the Federal republic of 9ja, Dr GridLock JoorOh has been rumored to have introduced a new rule banning people under the age of 25 from driving at night. Our information sources revealed that this rule was necessitated after the resident’s convoy was involved in a near fatal car accident on the ever busy Asokoro road in Abuja. The resident was returning from a night out with the ‘boys’ in celebration of the recent release of 9ja footballer Micah obi’s father.
Riding in Micah’s Range Rover sport, it was reported that Mr Micah had had too much to drink and swerved the car while trying to avoid a pothole thus crashing into the road divider. We got this audio recording from one of the residents aides showing what ensued after:

Resident: “Micah, are you mad? You want to kill me? Are you high?”
Micah: “Your excellency..i ’m … I’m sorry! Blame it on the alcohol”
Resident: “in this drama, you’re still quoting Kanye?”
Micah: “Jamie Foxx actually sir!”
Resident: “You must be high. Shey the Chelsea is worrying you?”
Micah: “Sir, lets not bring my club into this..please”
Resident: *turns to his wingman* “Amadi can you imagine this boy o?”
Micah: “ Sir, I was just trying to dribble past the pothole on your road”
Resident: “Dribble? DRIBBLE? When last did you dribble past anything in your life? Your own is to be carrying ball back”
Micah: “Sir, I shall not stand here and listen to you insult my skills, I am going to sit down.”
Resident: “I’m sure those skills involve inability to score a goal in 4 years” *laughs and hi5’s Amadi*
Micah: “I have had it..i’m walking away!”
Resident: “come back here small boy!”
Amadi: “hahahaa..he’s joking sir, just quoting Craig david.”
*Micah enters car and drives off*
Resident *transfixed* “Amadi, ARE YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND WATCH ME…”
Amadi: “Eminem and Rihanna sir, nice one!”
Resident: “You’re just foolish. Get me the national rule book. I have a new rule to enforce”

So people, that is the inside scoop on the origin of this new rule. Don’t ask me if Micah is under 25. His father has been released, go and ask him.

In more Ban news, the recent musical released from the stables of MOreHeaT titled “Hoeliver Twisting” has been canned by the NBC. Haha! NBC, Canned 😀 ..get it? Yes? 🙂 No? 😦 ok 😐 …The song was banned for various reasons among which are:

Content: we hear that the the lyrics of the song which depict D’bangs desire and intention towards some women were frowned at by these women. Our correspondent reveals that Bee said “who is stopping D’bang from being with me? He better come now before i become the best he never had.” As a result of much confusion, the lyrics are being worked on as we speak by master poet D’prinz

Video: The trouser worn by DonJasi was considered not fit for viewing pleasure as it looked like it was something borrowed out of LuClays Pyjamas closet,
Also, In the background was a paused PS3 game between Arsenal and Man UTD with the score at 0-0. This was also considered misleading and false. A petition was sent to the NBC by ManUtd stating that ” the default scoreline in any match between the two sides should be 8-2″
Lastly, lots of people are reported to have injured themselves while attempting to record their own Twisting videos. The latest victim being Man City’s Samir Nasri who broke his hand while attempting to do some. Kraze Brown type hand movement ish.

*who writes these things? What on earth is ish?*
Cameraman: “Issue sir!”

In Twitter news, Saturday’s seem to bring out the best of tweeps. This Saturday was no exception as another ‘scandal’ seemed to rock the Twitterverse. The main characters in this drama were Slim, TBN and k..wait! WHAT? KWAL? Our own KWAL? Oh my! Our correspondent TheGuttedPrince who always has his nose in these scandals reports that all hell broke loose when TBN who happened to have been ‘dumped’ out of CaptainPanda’s P-setting class tweeted thus:

“Wait! When Slim cheated on me & left me for KWAL, she let the whole world know! Now that they have split, no blog???” (E can pain sha. Choi!!!)

Before you could scream “Ugwu”, it was everywhere and Slim and KWAL begun trending again (for the wrong reasons eh?). Anyway, its no wonder KWAL has gone AWOL. He’s probably hiding his head under some rock somewhere.. As usual, different theories flew left, right and center and KWAL decided to keep mute. He did however send a text message to his guy ‘Terror’ who leaked it to us for a tube of lube. The text read: “I shall not engage in mudslinging ‘cos I have much respect for mud!” Deeper revelations show that his BIS abi BBWEEK must have expired. KWAL is just a Broke ass, spineless, i-have-shit-in-my-pants Mo’fo. WAIT!! Who wrote this news?

**commotion in newsroom, man dashes into studio, pushes PhrankOlizer off seat*

Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is VickDaFreshPrince and I have a confession. Yes. There was a 3rd guy involved. O_O Don’t believe everything you read on your timeline. This whole thing is one big jersey shore drama and its deeper than you think you know…*evil laugh* You think Slim will just blog and expose herself like that? You think KWAL has become ‘popular’ by mistake? You think its normal that KWAL and Slim are still friends after it all? Oh c’mon. You think KWAL and TBN didn’t plan this shit? I even have a picture of them (which I took) to prove it. (don’t make me leak it). I am the 3rd guy in this trinity..infact, I am actually the first. KWAL is just a serial home wrecker. This is a script written a long long looong time ago. I kid you not. Since the punk ass, silence-is-the-best-answer-for-a-cry-baby-so-i-wont-say-a-thing KWAL won’t say a thing, I, in my awesomeness have taken this load upon myself and will hereby reveal to you all the ‘TRUE 411″ #no419

For more information.

*drops mic and walks out*

*PhrankOlizer re-enters* well guys you heard the man…

To end the news today, before some other mad hatter runs in here. I’m too old for this shit.

A state of emergency has been declared in Blogsville as it has been discovered that anything you blog can be used against you on Twitter. This has resulted in some popular bloggers taking a back seat to avoid the lash and stoning from the thirsty, stone-in-hand tweeps. We would like to remind our viewers that generalizations are dangerous. There still are some wonderful writers out there and a few bad eggs shouldn’t define the whole. And remember, if you have a Twitter account and enjoy cursing bloggers, be careful because you are also referring to yourself.
According to Wikipedia, “Twitter is an online social networking and MICROBLOGGING service that enables its users to send and read text based posts of up to 140 characters” 😀

That wraps it up for the news ladies and Gentlemen. Remember to live in peace and love with each other. Till KWAL returns from his Ugwu hibernation…

*VickDaFreshPrinz storms in again*


Posted by on September 8, 2011 in News RoundUp


Tags: , , , , ,

44 responses to “In The NewS IV

  1. Uncle Amowi

    September 8, 2011 at 3:13 pm


  2. Genesis

    September 8, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯

    • @YesVs

      September 8, 2011 at 3:22 pm

      i concur

  3. Thegothprince

    September 8, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    I’m a correspondent!!! *dancing* And to the idiots who diss bloggers, well, I don’t know. I can’t start to shout.

  4. okikiola

    September 8, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    Lmaoo Kevin you are a Genius, d way u express ur toughts is really awesome

  5. Pha't

    September 8, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    Lmao!!! Good one Kelvin esp on the blogsville paragraph.

  6. nugwa

    September 8, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    I so love the way my peeps are taking this matter… let people kill themselves while u have fun! Nothing do you joor! (Y)… funny post… Libya got nothing on blogsville and naija twitter these days…

  7. isetfiretotherain

    September 8, 2011 at 3:26 pm


    • awizii

      September 8, 2011 at 4:27 pm

      as in.

  8. Sonia

    September 8, 2011 at 3:26 pm


  9. passthesaltband

    September 8, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    LOOL! *harvests Ugwu leaves*

  10. kulJoe

    September 8, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Damn! I love dis piece

  11. coolprincee

    September 8, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    U’re good with d puns
    , u might as well be a pawn blogville

    NBC canned oliver twist 😀
    Mikel & Chelsea ish

  12. eromzy

    September 8, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    This blog dribbled me like leo messi does his opponents.. I’m lost. 😦

  13. miz_estaa

    September 8, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    LOL! Ugwu hibernation! *still rolling*

  14. Daisy

    September 8, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Kevin! *hugs you very well, very very well* you get ma point abi? Ok! I have missed ur blog oh (let’s not start with why yu don’t cc me again 😦 ) my sister was just giving me side eye as I read this. Would give her later so she can read. (Y)

  15. sexilicious

    September 8, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Now i know why kelvin’s lips looks funny (like a duck actually)…too much gibberish

    • keLvin

      September 8, 2011 at 4:27 pm

      Oh my 😦 Time to change avatar. Lol

  16. feline_eyes

    September 8, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Very nicely & creatively written

  17. monsieuruwem

    September 8, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    … I ❤ this 😀 … Oya Voltrons leggggo

  18. terdoh

    September 8, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Why am i ALWAYS the butt of the joke? Why am I always the last card before you check up?

    Is it because I’m the Joker?


    The only reason I won’t say that the post is below standard is because KWAL did not write it…(And also because he did not give us any actual details but decided instead to insert more puzzles and make us think he is a genius…But I won’t tell you that)

    I see what you did there… -____-

  19. dhamyhan

    September 8, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Me I sha Love bloggers(NoHomo whr necessary)…..nd how did I miss d TPN,slim n KWAL Saga??….*Now proceeds to exorcise self*

  20. @FoluShaw

    September 8, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    I can’t help but think the twitter drama is all an act.

  21. ibetapassmynebo

    September 8, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    kelvin…wot happened to ur sense of humour? Where did it go to?? U didnt bring it out am sori ve got to tel u d truth!

    • keLvin

      September 8, 2011 at 4:56 pm

      Dont be sorry hun..I take truth , curses, praise, insults etc with the same attitude.

  22. leonmacedon

    September 8, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    Wat’s d reward for finding KWAL? Cos I know where he is. Fuck those rumors about his supposed sorjourn at USELU-left. I’m just from his Kualla Lumpar hometown

  23. goldie

    September 8, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    I understand not:|

  24. 'Deolu Bubbles

    September 8, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    (Y) Nice……..

  25. keetkat

    September 8, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    We’ve all been PUNK’d lol

  26. bolouere

    September 8, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    Me love this,totally!**runs off to track mikel’s father**

  27. Honeysucklebelle

    September 8, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    Lol at BBWEEK n quoting eminem n rihanna. You’re just an ass. I’m sure you know that

  28. MichDeji

    September 8, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    Wow; dis explains evrythin…loffli Post Kevin

  29. Weirdisnottheword (@no_Deemples)

    September 8, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    (Y) Be using us to play ‘ten-ten’ o! I dnt even knw wat 2 bliv nymore. Jokes on point! U r one sarcastic mo’fcker sha! *in Chigyal’s voice* U r not ah weist.

  30. Beenwaiting

    September 9, 2011 at 12:10 am

    I shud believe saturday was planned? Bleeehhhhhh!

  31. CeeJay John Nweke

    September 9, 2011 at 6:55 am

    Dude, started following ur blogs recently – read all ur posts in abt one night. U are freakin hilarious. Granted. Language use is definitely PG-50, bt I guess your audience loves it. You’re good man. The thing is, parts of this post makes no sense to me. Who’s Slim? And you have a love life that trends on twitter (according to the link U provided for the ugwu leaves or sumn (that bit wasn’t funny tho))?? How?
    Bobo, Jay-Z and Beyonce got married in New York, and NO ONE knew – until like hours after the wedding. You can do the same bro. Despite the Nigerian urge to always have gist – and the accompanying tendency to use oter people’s lives to fulfill that need – you can do it.

    Then again, who am I to make suggestions without even knowing the full gist? I don’t even know who the lady in question is. Anyway, Just wanted to say I love ur blog, and pls don’t give in to all these pple saying “KWAL ur post is not as funny as it used to be”. Shebi na them born U ni? Them dey pay U for writing? Bone them abeg. The moment u try to say something funny on purpose to get them, the moment u start becoming dry. Just do you, and write for you, at ur own pace. Have a good one and God bless.


    • obi_jay

      September 9, 2011 at 8:36 am

      #word…but d sermon too long sha.

  32. obi_jay

    September 9, 2011 at 8:38 am

    lol @ micah obi’s story.

    “Sir, I shall not stand here and listen to you insult my skills, I am going to sit down” smh 4 u. U haff madt finish.

  33. doeminoe

    September 9, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Nice one……….(y)

  34. Myne Whitman

    September 9, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    I was laughing all through. What drama!

  35. jhymy

    September 9, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    finally! glad to have you back…even though i hardly understand whats going on there…funny post as usual

  36. yemijohnson

    September 9, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    my president, the international futbol star and whoever the hell Amadi is, they are crazy ass niggars. they made me wet myself

  37. CeeJay John Nweke

    September 12, 2011 at 7:37 am

    Finally found out who the elusive ‘Slim’ was. Slimsiren. She looks REALLY slim tho – I guess the name’s appropriate.

    So, since I’m the one who doesn’t get all the inside jokes in the post, can someone kindly explain what the drama is all about? I’m kinda lost between all the posts,

  38. chillysauce

    September 14, 2011 at 6:58 am

    @ceejay. don’t bother.. not worth it.. unless u r under 15


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