In The NewS

31 Aug

“Oya sit down!”

“What! Is it by force? I’m not in the mood o!”

“You must read news o! Which kain hibernation are you on? Sit down there and read my fren’ olori gbeske oshi!”

*sigh* <—- (my most used word nowadays, I pronounce it sef…sigh!)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening and whatever it is wherever you are. Welcome to the news and here are the headlines.

Car crash at UN building
Blogs and Twitter…the feud continues
The last Naija Virgin speaks
In sports, Arsene Wager awakened at Theatre of Dreams
And finally in entertainment.. The koko behind Beyoncé's baby bump.

And now the details… *Sigh*

Nigerians woke up on friday with many expecting the day to be the 'bomb,' Little did they know it was going to be exactly so. An unidentified man driving a honda Accord defied the massive gate and plunged the car into the UN building in abuja setting off explosions of cataclysmic proportions that resulted in the demise of many. Just before his death, our correspondent who had prior info of this accident was at the scene and got this from the horse' mouth as he was stretchered off:

"Sir, sorry o. What happened?"
Man: "am I dead yet? Are you the first of the virgins?"
"Sir, lets not talk about my sex. What happened here? Where are you from?"
"Man: Ah! I'm not yet dead o! Choi!!! Fuck up!! So this isn't paradise? *sees MTN recharge card seller nearby* Fuck!!!
"Sir, this thing.. attack or accident?"
Man: "its Gboko o! GBOKO!! I visited him and we listened to Timaya's "I wan blow",He told me he has a harem and all I need to do is..ah! I need to die! 77 virgins! 77!! Even that blogger won't pass up the chance *sobs* kill me already o!!!
"Sir, you are disgrace to the Nigerians, you are the jazz and demons that is the problem of the country. You are Evilish, so Evilish!"
Man: †☁DEAD☁†

Thank you Rita for that errr…for that!

Cold wars are normally synonymous with Russia but no russians were involved in the wars that blew up blogsville and Twitter at the weekend. Information from Trusted sources inform us of the real story behind the posts by TheGuttedPrince.

First of all, this should be blamed on IceFish. Remember that 'essay competition, win a BB by IceFish?" Well our sources say that only one contestant entered it and thus won..yes you guessed right. Formerly MrJabuTrash,
This man sought followbacks from these 'celebs' who refused him (choi! E can pain o!) while he was on SnapTu, armed with a BB now, He changed handle to TheGuttedPrince and decided to 'finish' all those who looked down on him in his SnapTu days.

*Ghen Ghen*

..going round blogsville seeking a platform but finding none (most of the bloggers were doing series or just chicken), TheGuttedPrince came in contact with Terror who jumped at the chance to host such a post BUT Terror needed some spiritual back up for a Blog breakthrough and Twitter prominence so he contacted SlimAmbulanceSound and Therepairman for some help and yup, at the end of the day, with 900+ comments and over 10,000 views, TheGuttedPrince had become a SoupOrStar! And then like most people who allow 'fame' get to them, he did a sequel and while the crowd wanted more, he couldn't meet the demand..Recent updates reaching us say he's now begging tweeps to stop going in on the people he dissed. Talk about medicine after death….shit! Am I still reading the news?

Back to the news, so there were posts and counterposts, people deleting their twitter accounts and Blogexplaining why they deleted their accounts and stories about wrapped amalas and sidekicks and gay parties and shit..*uh oh* I'm on air mehn, what tha fuck! I shouldn't be using such vulgar shit here.

*for the last carriers, enjoy these links* (POST 1) (POST 1 REPLY)

*The blog of post 2 has been deleted* (POST explaining deletion of post 2) (POST 3 explaining POST 1)

I think its safe to say that Blogs be taking over the twitterverse as people who want to 'voice' their opinions in more than 140 characters find their way there. However, while blogs are avenues for personal expression on whatsoever, they shouldn't be used derogatorily or without sense…who am I to talk sef?


In other Blog news, Sir Richard Branson will be proud of news emanating from Nigeria on the emergence of the 'Last Nigerian Virgin'. This revelation came also on blogville as a young man by the name of ToxicWeist decided to shame the devil and all the bad people (too much daddy showkey in the system) and announce his 'stand' (emm is this a good word here?) on the matter. Our correspondent caught up with Mr Weist through a phone call:

"Goodday sir, we've been trying to reach you. Can we come?"
Toxic "ehn? Cum where? Pls stay away from me! You're among them that are now following me abi? You people should stop following me. I'm not doing"
"Sir we just want to know the truth about your stand"
Toxic: "I'm perfectly normal, ignore what you've heard, I'm close to 8inches"
"Sir, so you're the last virgin on twitter doesn't this put you under pressure?"
Toxic: "who says I'm the last? Don't be deceived, we are legion. Remember that yoruba chic that had a tweetfight with her namesake? There's one fresh prince, one thinking tanker, one sisi girl with no socks, we r plenty jare!"
"Sir is it lack of opportunity that informed this decision?"
Toxic: "Lack of opportunity ke? *plays KidKonnect version of Look at me now and does some white man dance* do I look like I don't have chance to knack? Have you seen my TorsoThursday adverter? Don't go there o! I just don't wanna knack. Simple!" If you try me now..ah! This na temptation!
"Sir, a mallam friend of yours revealed that you gave out a major part of your 'kini' and it was used for suya. Is this true?"
Toxic: "choi! Its a lie o!"
"Ok sir can you put up a pic of your kini on Twitter so we can be sure you have……"
Toxic:" Taaaa!! Do I look like Chris Brown?
"So sir, you don't have balls?"
Toxic:" I have balls o, big bouncing balls, but leave it. Filébé "
"Ok sir, Lastly, You seem to be good friends with Wande coal, can you tell us why he's not singing again?"
Toxic "ha! After that picture leak..No Long thing now"
"Thank you for your time sir and may God make you bigger"
Toxic:" your Father!"

Read his story here:

In Sports News, Arsenal manager Arsene Wager was jolted to reality after his side was humiliated 8-2 at the Theatre of dreams by Manchester Utd…abeg editor, this news is stale juh…

Lastly Pop sensation Beyoncé is about to pop something..ha! (The MoHits connection again) The singer turned world ruler announced her pregnancy to the world. However that is not the news.
The koko of the matter is that Nigerian crooner D'bang is responsible. Yes ke! You heard it here first, how do we know? Have you listened to the 'Oliver' track? What did D'bang say about B? "I like Beyonce but she dey with jigga".. While Jay Z and Kanye were weisting away watching thrones, D'bang was showing B the koko and before we could shout 'Tongolo' they were making Good Music.. Don't believe us, wait for 9 months..if that child isn't born with a silver harmonica in its mouth, call me keLvin.

Ok, Ok… This news report was forced out of me. I don't know if I'm still on break or whether I'm back sef..

Mtscheeew…. *sigh*

Meanwhile, before you open blog on my head or diss me for this, this is NOT the news o! I can't shout! Ehen!


Posted by on August 31, 2011 in News RoundUp


Tags: , , , , , ,

55 responses to “In The NewS

  1. @TheRealAdonye

    August 31, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    I was here..

  2. alahyor

    August 31, 2011 at 3:42 pm


  3. @edgothboy

    August 31, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    *Rolling* ojigbijigbijigbi. i need to go and wash my head at Aladura, this post has killed me.

  4. ,,,,,, no coment...........

    August 31, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    awesome blogpost i liked the d’bang part *silver harmonica*

  5. highlandblue

    August 31, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Silver harmonica. Kai. I’m crying here. For real though, what if Jigga’s genes are so strong and Queen Bey gives birth to a daughter that looks like him? 😦

  6. BragginRightz

    August 31, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    3rd huhn?

  7. talesbysunlight

    August 31, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Top 5!! 😀

  8. tobicomm

    August 31, 2011 at 3:54 pm


  9. cecenostockings

    August 31, 2011 at 3:55 pm


  10. yemijohnson

    August 31, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Would gladly call u keLvin

  11. sheSays

    August 31, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    LMFAO….Evilish?? Really, keLvin?? Hilarious post btw…and Yaaaaay! I’m in the top 10..ahh, after all these yrs *whew*.

    • Kelvin

      August 31, 2011 at 4:10 pm

      YOU!!! Give me your Twitter handle!

  12. rhaiharnah

    August 31, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    hehe.. Dbang abi..
    lol @ terror

  13. ibetapassmynebo

    August 31, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    ok…happy new mth btw oh plus i heard d car was actualy a toyota camry nt honda

  14. awizii

    August 31, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    *sigh* This boy yeeeeee….

  15. ThinkTank

    August 31, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    Kelvin, why are you like this?

    • Kelvin

      August 31, 2011 at 8:45 pm

      ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯

  16. Jasmine

    August 31, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    ‘I have a confession, don’t take it personal….’ Go figure.
    The blog wars still has me rolling.

  17. goldie

    August 31, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    Funny as usual!Good to have u back!I hope O:)

  18. supergal

    August 31, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    lol!! kevin…

  19. fenelee

    August 31, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    “a MALLAM friend of yours revealed that you gave out a major part of your ‘kini’ and it was used for suya. Is this true?” hahahahahaha… The aliases are something else; SlimAmbulanceSound, terror… Lol.

  20. Ekwe

    August 31, 2011 at 4:39 pm


  21. Honey_wealth

    August 31, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Hahahahaha! Abeg no kee me with laff jor.

    I wish news was this fun, I’d pay more attention to it.

  22. sheSays

    August 31, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    @Kelvin. U ff’d back already…few days back actually. Thanks.

  23. thetoolsman

    August 31, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    <_<… so this is 1-1 abi?

    • Kelvin

      August 31, 2011 at 5:15 pm

      I told you I’ll get you :p

  24. kponja

    August 31, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    *rolling* ….in the deep 😐

    Hilarious mehn, this should be regular bro, help get the stress out of this hustle.

    SlimAmbulanceSound and ToxicWeist….TROLOLOLOL!!!

  25. @bule_jr

    August 31, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    You my friend are not well. LOOOOOOOOL

  26. terdoh

    August 31, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    I loved the “suicide bomber”s convo. Really good stuff! And the subliminals and name changes in this post are something else!!!!

    But why wasn’t I subbed? I never get subb…wait! *goes back up to read again*

    Okay. I see. I was subbed adequately.

    And for that, I won’t comment! Hmph!

  27. coolprincee

    August 31, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Osheee….nice concept
    who 2face go give belle if him com go abroad? Jada pinket?

  28. Mister West

    August 31, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    And I thought I had problems :D. Good work!!!

  29. 0laToxic

    August 31, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Arsene Wager…

    ToxicWeist… *sigh*

    • Kelvin

      August 31, 2011 at 8:39 pm

      Enough said eh? I’m getting you.

  30. moh

    August 31, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Lmao. I actually like the way u take these very little details and make them….news!

  31. talesbysunlight

    August 31, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    U drop more subs than a coach in a friendly match!! Damn!! Ur news is always hilarious!! NtA shld take note!!!

    • Kelvin

      August 31, 2011 at 8:27 pm

      NTA? Ahn ahn..not even CNN?

  32. Mz_Shadee

    August 31, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Hahahahahahahahaahahaha. Kai tell me again why u av a girlfriend! I shld be d one marrying u. 😦

    • Kelvin

      August 31, 2011 at 8:23 pm

      Emmm…but I’m not ready for marriage o!

    • 0latoxic

      September 1, 2011 at 9:09 am

      Dis geh, how many bobo you wan marry sef?! /:)

  33. Noreos

    August 31, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Thank God I didn’t have to wait for sunday for this post *sigh

    • Noreos

      August 31, 2011 at 6:59 pm

      *till sunday

  34. yetee

    August 31, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Nice and hilarious..
    I likey

  35. Dr Michael Ohiku

    August 31, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    _maooo #WithAnL Kelvin ooooh! You’re 2nd to none jare! *Thumbs up* 😀

  36. slim

    August 31, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    LOL! You’re just an idiot, I swear. I died at those dialogues, esp the ToxicWeist one.

    Guest blog for me someday? Please? Pretty please???

    • Kelvin

      August 31, 2011 at 8:15 pm

      Someday I guess…

    • 0latoxic

      September 1, 2011 at 9:11 am

      Na dat one you go use dat yua opolo eye see nah… *eyes rolling to calabar*

  37. SlevinCalevra

    August 31, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    Ol boy!!! I have to be more careful in this twitterverse man. I can’t survive all this. Pls do not use laugh to kill son of man abeg!
    Ehen, what state are you from? You deserve a political appointment… I’m thinking Chief jester of the state!
    LMAO… This is too much! *psi*

  38. bolouere

    August 31, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    Almost carrying last but I still had fun reading jare!kev no disclaimer?no make voltrons blog on u oh!

  39. Didi

    August 31, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    Literarily LMAO!!! Good one KeLvin

  40. Georgeenah (@georgeenah)

    August 31, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    You have been certified a terminal joker,no hope kelvin,no hope!You’re finished!
    P.s: pls do this a lil more often abeg,some of us need to really laugh from the belly like I did tonight.

  41. kitkat

    September 1, 2011 at 3:29 am

    remember what i said about u not being a clown? I take it back!! you’re my clown :’) ♥

  42. obi_jay

    September 1, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    lmao…dis guy na correkt case. smh

  43. gboukzi

    September 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    I sha hope the bomber is “responding to treatment” sha? Hehehe! But toxicwaste?ha ha, why not olatosic!! Hehehe!laff haff wan to kee me o! Nice write-up sha! I wish I could be this funny!!

  44. Purple_posh

    September 4, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    LAST 😥
    Hillarious post tho’…too bad I dont laugh @ funny things anymore 😦


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