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In The NewS

04 Aug

Good Morning/ Afternoon/ Evening
Welcome to the news round up.
Here are the headlines…

Scandal surrounding status of popular Twitter big girl.
Big Bother ends
Musician Ice Fish falls down the scales
Weather changes observed as we enter ‘leaking’ season
And in style and entertainment,
We tell you how to match your underwear.

And now the details…

Popular Twitter Business woman and share holder at Slut, Ordinary baby came out with a shocking revelation indicating that she is pregnant. Being a heavy pill to swallow, we caught up with her at Oniru bitch and engaged her in a quickie. Here are excerpts:

“Swallow o! You must swallow! Shebi you’re always swallowing on my TL oya..come, don’t bite me o!” #MoneyCannotWaste
“I can’t swallow juh, I’m pregnant!”
“Pre-gini? *kini goes limp* ah! Who’s the father?”
“Legion! For they are many” (thanks chinnydiva) *wink*
“Odina, you read the bible?”
“No o! It was father francis that made me recite that during a counsellng session we had while he pounded me from behind!”
“So are you going to remove it?”
“Remove ke? I pray its a girl, she will join the business. I can’t afford staff now so..”

We wish Ordinary baby a safe deliverance, sorry delivery.

91 days of Pain, Torture, Laughter and Tears has finally come to an end as the curtains are drawn on Big Bother. The show ended on a high with a Nigerian yet again carting away the star prize of $200,000. Reports reaching us indicate that the organisers realised at the inception that Nigeria will definitely win the moola (9ja no dey carry last) and so decided to have two winners hence the emergence of Mr WhenDull.
There are lessons to be learnt and here are some of them as sent in by correspondent @stephHailey through a friggin’ BBM BC.

1. Shit happens (The result) :O
2. Virginity still has great rewards (Wendell) 🙂 3. Dying your hair doesn’t win shit (Lomwe) =))
4. Too much ‘fonee’ no dey bring bar (Vina) =))
5. Over-confidence dey dull man (Sharon o) 😐
6.. Yam-leg na dullin (Vina) =D
7. Wearing your bathrobe at the final changes results (Luclay)
8. Plastic rules (Karen)
9. Nigerians too vote..ahn ahn!!!=))

Moving on to entertainment, Rapper Ice Fish recently toppled down the scales of respect and admiration as he single handedly ‘fell his hand’ (how does tha( even work when you’re single handed? ¯\..(•͡.Ì® •͡ )../¯ ). Apparently bored and lonely (as MI dey yankee), the rapper came up with his own competition, towing the line of DonbubbaJay’s ‘Enigma’. Dubbed ‘EssayGma’, the cool rapper asked his ‘fans’ to write an essay on “why I love Ice Fish” and stand a chance of winning a BB 9800. As at the time of filing this report, we hear that nobody is ‘feeling the boy’ as his e-mail inbox still reads ‘0’. Talk of a choc boy gradually becoming a chalk boy- †☁DEAD☁†

In weather reports, a special breeze is blowing across the land. This breeze generally referred to as ‘owu’ is that which is responsible for opening fowl yansh/nyash (whatever). This ushers in leaking season. Our correspondents gather that Nigerian songstress Tiwa Savage was just hit by this ‘owu’ as her email a/c was hacked into and songs from her yet-to-be-released album leaked.
Two questions for Tiwa though (Tiwa means ‘our own’ in yoruba by the way)
1. Is she sure the savages that did this aren’t part of her household, afterall what is hers is ‘our own’ too?
2.Where the hell are the leaked songs naw? Or are they that bad?

Finally, we share with you some style secrets as learnt on Twitter. In this season of P setting where ‘less is more’, its necessary we know how to wear our underwear. Whether or not colours match or the material is similar, the key to a power underwear look is CONFIDENCE! If you can boldly snap a picture in your underwear and share it, then that right there is Winning!
Emmm….don’t give your ‘hey! I’m wearing underwear’ pictures to a boy, he will lick, sorry leak it.

Oh finally finally, here are some recent additions to our lingua.
Ordersity > Audacity
Shredding tears > shedding tears
Orange Jews > Orange juice
Sower > Sour
Umbeyonce > Ambience
Areance > Arrears

Maltina didn’t sponsor this episode so it might be till two weeks time before you get another news broadcast. Don’t ask me. It wasn’t my idea.

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47 Comments

Posted by on August 4, 2011 in News RoundUp

 

47 responses to “In The NewS

  1. @TheRealAdonye

    August 4, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    1st??

     
    • keLvin

      August 4, 2011 at 7:00 pm

      Yes you are 😀 what do you want as a gift?

       
      • @TheRealAdonye

        August 5, 2011 at 1:07 pm

        Shilled LaCasera… No Sausages tho..

         
  2. @ThisBoyPerforms

    August 4, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    First!

     
  3. zaynabb

    August 4, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    (Y). I was reading this while a patient was in the room and I am sure she tot the doc has gone crazy. Hehehehehehehehe. I love the lessons from BBA.
    Sips orange *jews*.

     
  4. d3ola

    August 4, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Kelvin ….
    U ARE MAD!!!!
    Hilarious stuff!!

     
  5. babaneyo

    August 4, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Some serious reporting. Shredding tears still has me rolling on the floor after I sip some orange jews. LOL!!! Nice concept

     
  6. BoukkieO

    August 4, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    wharrappen to Maltina na? Why evils?

     
  7. JideA

    August 4, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    LHFM(Laff Has Finish Moi)

     
  8. aiesecbenin

    August 4, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Issorai.
    Legion *smh

     
  9. Didi

    August 4, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    First 5? 😦

     
  10. MafabaAlaso

    August 4, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    2 weeks? Why why why why why why evils?
    *now sending ice fish my essay titled ‘nobody is feeling the boy’*

     
  11. KIm

    August 4, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    LOL u 4got to add soup or star nd selves of steam-self esteem in d lingua franca part
    Very amusing post!!!

     
    • keLvin

      August 4, 2011 at 7:37 pm

      Oh kim, you should read the first news post , soup or star featured prominently….cheers and thanks.

       
  12. terdoh

    August 4, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Kelvin oh! Kelvin!

    Odina has suffered in your hand. (And I hope its a girl too. For reasons known to me. 😉

    As for Ice Fish, I hope my essay was good enough. This Curve 1 has got to go!

     
    • keLvin

      August 4, 2011 at 7:16 pm

      buhahaha…for your sake as well, i hope it was.

       
  13. MzLucyM

    August 4, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Lolll Kelvin ooo kelvin, thou has lost it pata pata. lmaoo @ orange Jews tho! Chei!

     
  14. Eromzy

    August 4, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Is odina really pregnant? Good news!

     
  15. highlandblue

    August 4, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    WhenDull was my best name. But they are all on point. Now Kelvin you are not mad. You are perfectly normal and it is the rest of us that are mad. Well done….

     
  16. yemijohnson

    August 4, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Can’t stop laffin at d lessons learnt from BBA

     
  17. Slim

    August 4, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    EssayGma…choc boy becoming Chalk boy…
    Wow, Kelvin. Wow.

     
  18. KobbyJR

    August 4, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    KeLvin win everybody!!! As for Ice Fish, I’m sure he can like to drop that BB in a blender and make blackberry Jews!

     
    • missfadesomi

      August 4, 2011 at 5:23 pm

      Lmao @ blackberry jews.
      And this post is just crazily funny. Gosh!

       
  19. Nugwa

    August 4, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    *We wish her a safe delivery… sorry deliverance” #IDied

     
  20. anon

    August 4, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    EssayGma?? Lmao

     
  21. @YesVs

    August 4, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    Lmfao niice!

     
  22. kunbillionaire

    August 4, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    Lol @ blackberry jews, rotfl @ inbox still 0 this is so hilarious

     
  23. mzsweetie

    August 4, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    Why Evils Kelvin! Oh wow. This got me laughing real hard! Sme1 asked if I was alright. U forgot to add Dirth to the lingua section. LMAO. I’m glad I got back on twitter whhen I did. Nigerian twitter is just awesome.

     
  24. SlevinCalevra

    August 4, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Hahahahahahahahahaa Jimzzesss!!!
    Na real legion. Me I’ve been carrying steady last so! Didn’t even know ice did something like that.
    Orange jews tho’ I thot it was orange jeans.
    Serioussly, u no well at all dude. Nice one! (Y)

     
    • keLvin

      August 4, 2011 at 7:17 pm

      SC, me sef i tire for oyu, im guessing work is being a female dog eh?

       
  25. Kemmiiii

    August 4, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Ha! Kelvin You are mad for this!
    Wetin Odina do you na?
    Haha…Choc Boi to Chalk boy..noice!!

     
    • keLvin

      August 4, 2011 at 7:20 pm

      Ordinary baby did nothing to me naw, haba! This is a news report! hian! 😀

       
  26. ibetapassmynebo

    August 4, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Nice (y)

     
  27. Intoxyka

    August 4, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Poor ice fish!!!:( He overestimated his street value. How fish go make mouth where meat dey? Nice one kev! Can’t wait for sunday to hear the results of Donbubbajay’s contest. May the best man Win!!!

     
    • keLvin

      August 4, 2011 at 7:23 pm

      Thanx dearie…The scandal on sunday wont be a small something sha…

       
  28. dunch

    August 4, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    I’m shredding tears cos I’m laughing so darn hard! Lol

     
  29. freakyjoangeL

    August 4, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    Essygma! Arreance! LOL.. i just can’t..nice post!!

     
  30. 0latoxic

    August 4, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    We need to organise delivery… sorry, deliverance sessions for this dude. They must be conducted somewhere with some nice umbeyonce that serves orange jews aftawards….

     
  31. @Basooh

    August 4, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    I hope I get to meet kevin one day n tell him aw his posts really make me feel. God bless u bro. Gosh LWFM *like highlandblue said it’s us dat z mad not ke_vin #withanL

     
  32. teeva

    August 5, 2011 at 12:05 am

    Nice!
    L☺L

     
  33. PreyingMantis

    August 5, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    (Y). Nice 1 man

     
  34. Folarin Michael

    August 5, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Nice one man, this is d best blog post I have read this month….*eating meat-“pile” n sipping apple “jews”

     
  35. leonmacedon

    August 6, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    I hate carrying major last!! So Ice Fish is giving out a Touch 2 d winner.. I’m tired of tis my ‘Palassa’ Nokia sef, lemme follow MafaAbalaso & whip up my post; “Nobody is feeling the boy”.

     
  36. Wealth Adebayo

    August 10, 2011 at 11:11 pm

    Why do i always come last? Ahanahan. This post is hilarious. I am so thirty from laughing i wanna go drink some orange jews.

     
  37. coolprincee

    August 17, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    ok ok….good as usual,
    Silicon rules as long as u put yourself up for eviction & u’re a not so good lookin nigerian girl you’ll surely win Big Brother 😀

    http://www.coolprincee.wordpress.com
    http://www.twitter.com/coolprincee

     
  38. art guiness

    August 20, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    dis is d most hilarious post i’ve read in a long wyl!! Big ups bro!!!

     

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