In The NewS

Good Morning/ Afternoon/ Evening
Welcome to the news round up.
Here are the headlines…

Scandal surrounding status of popular Twitter big girl.
Big Bother ends
Musician Ice Fish falls down the scales
Weather changes observed as we enter ‘leaking’ season
And in style and entertainment,
We tell you how to match your underwear.

And now the details…

Popular Twitter Business woman and share holder at Slut, Ordinary baby came out with a shocking revelation indicating that she is pregnant. Being a heavy pill to swallow, we caught up with her at Oniru bitch and engaged her in a quickie. Here are excerpts:

“Swallow o! You must swallow! Shebi you’re always swallowing on my TL oya..come, don’t bite me o!” #MoneyCannotWaste
“I can’t swallow juh, I’m pregnant!”
“Pre-gini? *kini goes limp* ah! Who’s the father?”
“Legion! For they are many” (thanks chinnydiva) *wink*
“Odina, you read the bible?”
“No o! It was father francis that made me recite that during a counsellng session we had while he pounded me from behind!”
“So are you going to remove it?”
“Remove ke? I pray its a girl, she will join the business. I can’t afford staff now so..”

We wish Ordinary baby a safe deliverance, sorry delivery.

91 days of Pain, Torture, Laughter and Tears has finally come to an end as the curtains are drawn on Big Bother. The show ended on a high with a Nigerian yet again carting away the star prize of $200,000. Reports reaching us indicate that the organisers realised at the inception that Nigeria will definitely win the moola (9ja no dey carry last) and so decided to have two winners hence the emergence of Mr WhenDull.
There are lessons to be learnt and here are some of them as sent in by correspondent @stephHailey through a friggin’ BBM BC.

1. Shit happens (The result) :O
2. Virginity still has great rewards (Wendell) 🙂 3. Dying your hair doesn’t win shit (Lomwe) =))
4. Too much ‘fonee’ no dey bring bar (Vina) =))
5. Over-confidence dey dull man (Sharon o) 😐
6.. Yam-leg na dullin (Vina) =D
7. Wearing your bathrobe at the final changes results (Luclay)
8. Plastic rules (Karen)
9. Nigerians too vote..ahn ahn!!!=))

Moving on to entertainment, Rapper Ice Fish recently toppled down the scales of respect and admiration as he single handedly ‘fell his hand’ (how does tha( even work when you’re single handed? ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯ ). Apparently bored and lonely (as MI dey yankee), the rapper came up with his own competition, towing the line of DonbubbaJay’s ‘Enigma’. Dubbed ‘EssayGma’, the cool rapper asked his ‘fans’ to write an essay on “why I love Ice Fish” and stand a chance of winning a BB 9800. As at the time of filing this report, we hear that nobody is ‘feeling the boy’ as his e-mail inbox still reads ‘0’. Talk of a choc boy gradually becoming a chalk boy- †☁DEAD☁†

In weather reports, a special breeze is blowing across the land. This breeze generally referred to as ‘owu’ is that which is responsible for opening fowl yansh/nyash (whatever). This ushers in leaking season. Our correspondents gather that Nigerian songstress Tiwa Savage was just hit by this ‘owu’ as her email a/c was hacked into and songs from her yet-to-be-released album leaked.
Two questions for Tiwa though (Tiwa means ‘our own’ in yoruba by the way)
1. Is she sure the savages that did this aren’t part of her household, afterall what is hers is ‘our own’ too?
2.Where the hell are the leaked songs naw? Or are they that bad?

Finally, we share with you some style secrets as learnt on Twitter. In this season of P setting where ‘less is more’, its necessary we know how to wear our underwear. Whether or not colours match or the material is similar, the key to a power underwear look is CONFIDENCE! If you can boldly snap a picture in your underwear and share it, then that right there is Winning!
Emmm….don’t give your ‘hey! I’m wearing underwear’ pictures to a boy, he will lick, sorry leak it.

Oh finally finally, here are some recent additions to our lingua.
Ordersity > Audacity
Shredding tears > shedding tears
Orange Jews > Orange juice
Sower > Sour
Umbeyonce > Ambience
Areance > Arrears

Maltina didn’t sponsor this episode so it might be till two weeks time before you get another news broadcast. Don’t ask me. It wasn’t my idea.