In The NewS IV

“Its time for the news o! where is that boy? Has anyone seen KWAL?”
“Sir, he hasn’t come to work since Saturday”
“Since SATURDAY?!!! Who is going to cast the news then?”
“Sir, we have options. There’s MissJailer, There’s Abuka and there’s GossiperGirly”
“Mtscheeew!!! I don’t want any of them. Get me “THE MAN!”
“*gasps* Sir, but THE MAN has retired!”
“I don’t care if he’s tired, tiring or trying to retire. GET HIM!”

Good Morning, Afternoon, Evening and welcome to your someday someday Tonic. My name is PhrankOlizer and I have been drafted in to read the news in the absence of your regular host KWAL. Please note that the management of this station has declared KWAL wanted. Any information about his whereabouts should please be reported to the nearest err…station?!
Welcome again…You sure don’t want to miss this. Here are some of the Major stories for this edition.

Under 25 night driving banned
Hoeliver Twisting banned
Price of Ugwu skyrockets as a result of scandal.
State of emergency declared on Blogsville

We’ll be back after this message from our sponsors.

*#np Chigurl’s Enigma…”don’t be a weist…”

Welcome back.

The Resident and supposed Commando in chief of the Federal republic of 9ja, Dr GridLock JoorOh has been rumored to have introduced a new rule banning people under the age of 25 from driving at night. Our information sources revealed that this rule was necessitated after the resident’s convoy was involved in a near fatal car accident on the ever busy Asokoro road in Abuja. The resident was returning from a night out with the ‘boys’ in celebration of the recent release of 9ja footballer Micah obi’s father.
Riding in Micah’s Range Rover sport, it was reported that Mr Micah had had too much to drink and swerved the car while trying to avoid a pothole thus crashing into the road divider. We got this audio recording from one of the residents aides showing what ensued after:

Resident: “Micah, are you mad? You want to kill me? Are you high?”
Micah: “Your excellency..i ’m … I’m sorry! Blame it on the alcohol”
Resident: “in this drama, you’re still quoting Kanye?”
Micah: “Jamie Foxx actually sir!”
Resident: “You must be high. Shey the Chelsea is worrying you?”
Micah: “Sir, lets not bring my club into this..please”
Resident: *turns to his wingman* “Amadi can you imagine this boy o?”
Micah: “ Sir, I was just trying to dribble past the pothole on your road”
Resident: “Dribble? DRIBBLE? When last did you dribble past anything in your life? Your own is to be carrying ball back”
Micah: “Sir, I shall not stand here and listen to you insult my skills, I am going to sit down.”
Resident: “I’m sure those skills involve inability to score a goal in 4 years” *laughs and hi5’s Amadi*
Micah: “I have had it..i’m walking away!”
Resident: “come back here small boy!”
Amadi: “hahahaa..he’s joking sir, just quoting Craig david.”
*Micah enters car and drives off*
Resident *transfixed* “Amadi, ARE YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND WATCH ME…”
Amadi: “Eminem and Rihanna sir, nice one!”
Resident: “You’re just foolish. Get me the national rule book. I have a new rule to enforce”

So people, that is the inside scoop on the origin of this new rule. Don’t ask me if Micah is under 25. His father has been released, go and ask him.

In more Ban news, the recent musical released from the stables of MOreHeaT titled “Hoeliver Twisting” has been canned by the NBC. Haha! NBC, Canned 😀 ..get it? Yes? 🙂 No? 😦 ok 😐 …The song was banned for various reasons among which are:

Content: we hear that the the lyrics of the song which depict D’bangs desire and intention towards some women were frowned at by these women. Our correspondent reveals that Bee said “who is stopping D’bang from being with me? He better come now before i become the best he never had.” As a result of much confusion, the lyrics are being worked on as we speak by master poet D’prinz

Video: The trouser worn by DonJasi was considered not fit for viewing pleasure as it looked like it was something borrowed out of LuClays Pyjamas closet,
Also, In the background was a paused PS3 game between Arsenal and Man UTD with the score at 0-0. This was also considered misleading and false. A petition was sent to the NBC by ManUtd stating that ” the default scoreline in any match between the two sides should be 8-2″
Lastly, lots of people are reported to have injured themselves while attempting to record their own Twisting videos. The latest victim being Man City’s Samir Nasri who broke his hand while attempting to do some. Kraze Brown type hand movement ish.

*who writes these things? What on earth is ish?*
Cameraman: “Issue sir!”

Hmmm..
In Twitter news, Saturday’s seem to bring out the best of tweeps. This Saturday was no exception as another ‘scandal’ seemed to rock the Twitterverse. The main characters in this drama were Slim, TBN and k..wait! WHAT? KWAL? Our own KWAL? Oh my! Our correspondent TheGuttedPrince who always has his nose in these scandals reports that all hell broke loose when TBN who happened to have been ‘dumped’ out of CaptainPanda’s P-setting class tweeted thus:

“Wait! When Slim cheated on me & left me for KWAL, she let the whole world know! Now that they have split, no blog???” (E can pain sha. Choi!!!)

Before you could scream “Ugwu”, it was everywhere and Slim and KWAL begun trending again (for the wrong reasons eh?). Anyway, its no wonder KWAL has gone AWOL. He’s probably hiding his head under some rock somewhere.. As usual, different theories flew left, right and center and KWAL decided to keep mute. He did however send a text message to his guy ‘Terror’ who leaked it to us for a tube of lube. The text read: “I shall not engage in mudslinging ‘cos I have much respect for mud!” Deeper revelations show that his BIS abi BBWEEK must have expired. KWAL is just a Broke ass, spineless, i-have-shit-in-my-pants Mo’fo. WAIT!! Who wrote this news?

**commotion in newsroom, man dashes into studio, pushes PhrankOlizer off seat*

Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is VickDaFreshPrince and I have a confession. Yes. There was a 3rd guy involved. O_O Don’t believe everything you read on your timeline. This whole thing is one big jersey shore drama and its deeper than you think you know…*evil laugh* You think Slim will just blog and expose herself like that? You think KWAL has become ‘popular’ by mistake? You think its normal that KWAL and Slim are still friends after it all? Oh c’mon. You think KWAL and TBN didn’t plan this shit? I even have a picture of them (which I took) to prove it. (don’t make me leak it). I am the 3rd guy in this trinity..infact, I am actually the first. KWAL is just a serial home wrecker. This is a script written a long long looong time ago. I kid you not. Since the punk ass, silence-is-the-best-answer-for-a-cry-baby-so-i-wont-say-a-thing KWAL won’t say a thing, I, in my awesomeness have taken this load upon myself and will hereby reveal to you all the ‘TRUE 411″ #no419

For more information.
http://freshprinz.wordpress.com/2011/09/08/not-another-ugwu-story/

*drops mic and walks out*

*PhrankOlizer re-enters* well guys you heard the man…

To end the news today, before some other mad hatter runs in here. I’m too old for this shit.

A state of emergency has been declared in Blogsville as it has been discovered that anything you blog can be used against you on Twitter. This has resulted in some popular bloggers taking a back seat to avoid the lash and stoning from the thirsty, stone-in-hand tweeps. We would like to remind our viewers that generalizations are dangerous. There still are some wonderful writers out there and a few bad eggs shouldn’t define the whole. And remember, if you have a Twitter account and enjoy cursing bloggers, be careful because you are also referring to yourself.
According to Wikipedia, “Twitter is an online social networking and MICROBLOGGING service that enables its users to send and read text based posts of up to 140 characters” 😀

That wraps it up for the news ladies and Gentlemen. Remember to live in peace and love with each other. Till KWAL returns from his Ugwu hibernation…

*VickDaFreshPrinz storms in again*
http://freshprinz.wordpress.com/2011/09/08/not-another-ugwu-story/

 

In The NewS

“Oya sit down!”

“What! Is it by force? I’m not in the mood o!”

“You must read news o! Which kain hibernation are you on? Sit down there and read my fren’ olori gbeske oshi!”

*sigh* <—- (my most used word nowadays, I pronounce it sef…sigh!)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening and whatever it is wherever you are. Welcome to the news and here are the headlines.

Car crash at UN building
Blogs and Twitter…the feud continues
The last Naija Virgin speaks
In sports, Arsene Wager awakened at Theatre of Dreams
And finally in entertainment.. The koko behind Beyoncé's baby bump.

And now the details… *Sigh*

Nigerians woke up on friday with many expecting the day to be the 'bomb,' Little did they know it was going to be exactly so. An unidentified man driving a honda Accord defied the massive gate and plunged the car into the UN building in abuja setting off explosions of cataclysmic proportions that resulted in the demise of many. Just before his death, our correspondent who had prior info of this accident was at the scene and got this from the horse' mouth as he was stretchered off:

"Sir, sorry o. What happened?"
Man: "am I dead yet? Are you the first of the virgins?"
"Sir, lets not talk about my sex. What happened here? Where are you from?"
"Man: Ah! I'm not yet dead o! Choi!!! Fuck up!! So this isn't paradise? *sees MTN recharge card seller nearby* Fuck!!!
"Sir, this thing.. attack or accident?"
Man: "its Gboko o! GBOKO!! I visited him and we listened to Timaya's "I wan blow",He told me he has a harem and all I need to do is..ah! I need to die! 77 virgins! 77!! Even that blogger won't pass up the chance *sobs* kill me already o!!!
"Sir, you are disgrace to the Nigerians, you are the jazz and demons that is the problem of the country. You are Evilish, so Evilish!"
Man: †☁DEAD☁†

Thank you Rita for that errr…for that!

Cold wars are normally synonymous with Russia but no russians were involved in the wars that blew up blogsville and Twitter at the weekend. Information from Trusted sources inform us of the real story behind the posts by TheGuttedPrince.

First of all, this should be blamed on IceFish. Remember that 'essay competition, win a BB by IceFish?" Well our sources say that only one contestant entered it and thus won..yes you guessed right. Formerly MrJabuTrash,
This man sought followbacks from these 'celebs' who refused him (choi! E can pain o!) while he was on SnapTu, armed with a BB now, He changed handle to TheGuttedPrince and decided to 'finish' all those who looked down on him in his SnapTu days.

*Ghen Ghen*

..going round blogsville seeking a platform but finding none (most of the bloggers were doing series or just chicken), TheGuttedPrince came in contact with Terror who jumped at the chance to host such a post BUT Terror needed some spiritual back up for a Blog breakthrough and Twitter prominence so he contacted SlimAmbulanceSound and Therepairman for some help and yup, at the end of the day, with 900+ comments and over 10,000 views, TheGuttedPrince had become a SoupOrStar! And then like most people who allow 'fame' get to them, he did a sequel and while the crowd wanted more, he couldn't meet the demand..Recent updates reaching us say he's now begging tweeps to stop going in on the people he dissed. Talk about medicine after death….shit! Am I still reading the news?

Back to the news, so there were posts and counterposts, people deleting their twitter accounts and Blogexplaining why they deleted their accounts and stories about wrapped amalas and sidekicks and gay parties and shit..*uh oh* I'm on air mehn, what tha fuck! I shouldn't be using such vulgar shit here.

*for the last carriers, enjoy these links*

http://terdoh.wordpress.com/2011/08/27/celebrate-me/ (POST 1)

http://thelmatweets1.wordpress.com/2011/08/28/tweetoracle-love-or-angst/ (POST 1 REPLY)

*The blog of post 2 has been deleted*

http://thatcrazyblackgirl.blogspot.com/2011/08/bankyre-organising_29.html?m=1 (POST explaining deletion of post 2)

http://terdoh.wordpress.com/2011/08/28/encore/ (POST 3 explaining POST 1)

I think its safe to say that Blogs be taking over the twitterverse as people who want to 'voice' their opinions in more than 140 characters find their way there. However, while blogs are avenues for personal expression on whatsoever, they shouldn't be used derogatorily or without sense…who am I to talk sef?

*sigh*

In other Blog news, Sir Richard Branson will be proud of news emanating from Nigeria on the emergence of the 'Last Nigerian Virgin'. This revelation came also on blogville as a young man by the name of ToxicWeist decided to shame the devil and all the bad people (too much daddy showkey in the system) and announce his 'stand' (emm is this a good word here?) on the matter. Our correspondent caught up with Mr Weist through a phone call:

"Goodday sir, we've been trying to reach you. Can we come?"
Toxic "ehn? Cum where? Pls stay away from me! You're among them that are now following me abi? You people should stop following me. I'm not doing"
"Sir we just want to know the truth about your stand"
Toxic: "I'm perfectly normal, ignore what you've heard, I'm close to 8inches"
"Sir, so you're the last virgin on twitter doesn't this put you under pressure?"
Toxic: "who says I'm the last? Don't be deceived, we are legion. Remember that yoruba chic that had a tweetfight with her namesake? There's one fresh prince, one thinking tanker, one sisi girl with no socks, we r plenty jare!"
"Sir is it lack of opportunity that informed this decision?"
Toxic: "Lack of opportunity ke? *plays KidKonnect version of Look at me now and does some white man dance* do I look like I don't have chance to knack? Have you seen my TorsoThursday adverter? Don't go there o! I just don't wanna knack. Simple!" If you try me now..ah! This na temptation!
"Sir, a mallam friend of yours revealed that you gave out a major part of your 'kini' and it was used for suya. Is this true?"
Toxic: "choi! Its a lie o!"
"Ok sir can you put up a pic of your kini on Twitter so we can be sure you have……"
Toxic:" Taaaa!! Do I look like Chris Brown?
"So sir, you don't have balls?"
Toxic:" I have balls o, big bouncing balls, but leave it. Filébé "
"Ok sir, Lastly, You seem to be good friends with Wande coal, can you tell us why he's not singing again?"
Toxic "ha! After that picture leak..No Long thing now"
"Thank you for your time sir and may God make you bigger"
Toxic:" your Father!"

Read his story here: http://t.co/PtUuG7r

In Sports News, Arsenal manager Arsene Wager was jolted to reality after his side was humiliated 8-2 at the Theatre of dreams by Manchester Utd…abeg editor, this news is stale juh…

Lastly Pop sensation Beyoncé is about to pop something..ha! (The MoHits connection again) The singer turned world ruler announced her pregnancy to the world. However that is not the news.
The koko of the matter is that Nigerian crooner D'bang is responsible. Yes ke! You heard it here first, how do we know? Have you listened to the 'Oliver' track? What did D'bang say about B? "I like Beyonce but she dey with jigga".. While Jay Z and Kanye were weisting away watching thrones, D'bang was showing B the koko and before we could shout 'Tongolo' they were making Good Music.. Don't believe us, wait for 9 months..if that child isn't born with a silver harmonica in its mouth, call me keLvin.

Ok, Ok… This news report was forced out of me. I don't know if I'm still on break or whether I'm back sef..

Mtscheeew…. *sigh*

Meanwhile, before you open blog on my head or diss me for this, this is NOT the news o! I can't shout! Ehen!