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Fellow 9Ggerians..

23 Apr

“Tum tum tum tumunununnunun”..”Parara ra ra ra RAAA…” *insert National Anthem jor* while screen shows picture of flag..that same flag since 1990…Anthem ends, frame switches to man sitting on chair…CUT!!!!
“Oh! Can’t u see that his hat is not sitting well on his head?” Hian! Oga pls keep your head straight and look directly at the camera!”
“Young man, uneasy lies the head that wears this hat o! And I thot u said I should read from the teleprompting something?”…
Ok, take 2! Action!!!
*national anthem plays, flag flies*

“Fellow Nigerians..”
It is with joy in my heart and deep gratitude that I address you today. Our country has just successfully gone to the polls and for once in our history, we can boast of having a free and fair election..*whispers* ol’boy I’m not feeling dis tele thing..imma just freestyle up in here, Obama style ayt?”
Ehen! My fellow Nigerians, we went to the polls and some of you still didn’t vote for me! I don’t understand o! Are u people alright? Do u know how much I spent daily on the campaign? Millions o! I have requested for all the ballot papers and I will track down all of u, I will show u in this country..some of u sef, collected our bag of rice, our aso-ebi, even the 5k for vote and u didn’t still press ur hand for me…imagine the wayo! That’s corruption! I don’t just understand! Go and thank your stars that I still won o if not, I swear the phrase “johnny just come” will have a dangerous meaning!

Anyway sha, I’ll like to thank some people who made this election a success: I want to thank my ‘name’sake..prof GEJA for conducting an organised election. Everything went according to the script! My wife who smartly increased my popularity among the women and youth. If there is anything she has taught me, it is PATIENCE! U cannot imagine how my life is daily..I pay my wife 2b quiet and anytime I travel and I’m not around, she will open her mouth and add a new word to d dictionary. She has taught me LONGSUFFERING. In bed, we don’t have pillow talk o! Pillow talk ke? Her words “kill me softly but surely.” That part of the bible “I die daily” was written bcos of me *sobs* and u people will be bombarding me with problems everyday. U don’t know what I’m facing *sigh, sniffs*
Let me thank D’banj for being a great help..oga u’re the koko juh, that interview was Toh bad..haha! I liked ur sweggs mehn.. Nothing do you. You know I told you to nod if you didn’t understand anything? Ur nodding throughout showed that I really put you on a ‘long thing’ haha! See as I’m using all d slangs and then people will think I’m not endowed..filê juh!!!

Fellow 9jas (screw ‘Daro’) I got a letter from one @Kevinwithanl and I shall attend 2d issues raised. (If u didn’t read the letter, read the previous post)..He raised d issue of power and generators..Me sef I am tired of NEPA. Here in Aso Rock, we have light 24/7 its annoying! You ask the butler to get u a drink and they are all frozen, we have to bring soup out of the fridge 2days before so it can defrost and patty (my pet name for d firstlady) isn’t so patient… The AC’s are always refilled with gas cos they are on all day and night..I’m tired of all the light. My aides are angry cos we don’t buy diesel often and they don’t see small small ‘change’ to pocket! Even my kids are compaining because there’s always something to watch on TV. If there was no light, they would be sleeping. I promise to look into the problem and ask NEPA abi PHCN to take light more…for bringing d price of generators down, don’t worry we will eradicate the “I better pass my neighbour” by removing it fm d mkt..only Mikano plants will be allowed. That way all neighbours shall be equal..its either you are rich and can afford Mikano or u rest! By doing this, a lot of you will sleep better without the noise of generators!! Thank you!

On the issue of MTN , hold on let me make a call *engaged dial tone* hmm..let me call customer care *music playing* Ehn ehn! So this is what they do? So u mean you can’t send naked pictures? Wow! That’s bad o! But I suggest NIPOST, at least you know your pics will arrive and if MTN is doing anyhow, just get a NITEL line..I assure you, your calls will always connect, the network isn’t jammed and customer care? As they have few customers, they will be happy to get your call, sometimes sef, they will call you! We can’t send MTN away o, ah! Do you know how many yellow polo shirts they give me? Abeg o..

Sports and entertainment…those boys that call themself Super Eagles, they are just a disgrace..me too I am tired. I’ve asked The president of NIGER republic to come and buy them, he’s pricing $2000 , I told him $3500. Let’s be watching sha but $3400 is my last price jalé….for the local league, as long as its Egbon Mike Adenuga that is sponsoring it, na dem sabi..I can’t be bothered by that!
The writer @kevinwithanl mentioned something called ‘kush’..I was confused o..it was the VP’s nephew that told me Kush is ‘igbo’ ..I laughed (what a ‘cushioning’ name) so I liked d suggestion of packaging it and increasing the price. Someone told me that the child ‘Wizky’ smoked it and then decided to leave school and pursue ‘greener pastures’ LWKM..ok! I agree to do as kelvin asked. We shall package kush, issue NAFDAC number and sell it at shoprite wt a price of #3000 for a wrap..

So my people, thanx again for the next 4yrs. I shall enjoy it to the fullest, I promise you. I shall not be a weist. I will include youth in my cabinet PS ‘youth’ is the coded name for palm wine..and for those that don’t like my face, Ntoi!! Yimu!! If its paining u, volunteer yourself as Suya…

God bless the federal Republic

*man screams from background, “Sir, I just let u finish, but Fash will be d greatest President we shall have*

This post was done as a follow up to my last. Apparently, my dad read it and said “you should write the president’s reply”..so this one is for you dad! Err..please don’t come here again, stick with the newspaper version eh? Thanx man, and now that I’ve granted your request, u might wanna consider Atlanta again…

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27 Comments

Posted by on April 23, 2011 in FicKtioN

 

27 responses to “Fellow 9Ggerians..

  1. lauryn

    April 23, 2011 at 9:21 am

    *rme* tales dat tickle d bumbum…. Tell oga GEJ welldone 4 nt puttin his plick in d wrong place lyk baba iyabo n havin it show to d side of his trouser on national tv…. Nice read

     
    • Kelvin

      April 23, 2011 at 9:24 am

      But why are u like this ehn? Can’t ur comment just be clean?…tnx jare

       
  2. 'Jibòla

    April 23, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Lmfao! Kevin! You. Are. A. Foool! Hahahaha!

     
  3. palavachronicles

    April 23, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Loool @ that is corruption .. The irony … Funny post ..love it..nice one again (y)

     
    • Kelvin

      April 23, 2011 at 9:45 am

      Thanx a lot babes…really appreciate

       
  4. cecenostockings

    April 23, 2011 at 9:35 am

    I really can’t stop laughing! Seriously!!!

     
    • Kelvin

      April 23, 2011 at 9:47 am

      Errr..wud it be right 2say u’ve laughed your socks off? 😀 tnx darl…

       
  5. slimsiren

    April 23, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Lol, ‘cushioning name?’Patty??’ ‘Volunteer yourself as suya??’
    LMAO!
    This dude, you’re just something else I swear. Let GEJ(A) catch you…
    Lovely concept!

     
    • Kelvin

      April 23, 2011 at 9:50 am

      Oh! Trust me..catching me isn’t an option, not if I can help it..Tnx a lot Slim… 😀

       
  6. Kleopahtra

    April 23, 2011 at 9:41 am

    Kelvin…..u r a Big Case…!
    Lmao @ bringin d soup out 2daes b4 usage…as 4 d Mikano Gen.He can lyk 2 increase salary…anyweiz iLoved ds post.

     
  7. musingsofagidimallam

    April 23, 2011 at 9:51 am

    I no I’v said dis severally, but wit every new post I read Ʊ always seem to reinforce it…Ʊ no well.
    Bwuahahahaha…I’m still laffin at “See as I’m using all d slangs and then people will think I’m not endowed..filê juh!!!”
    Beautiful post bruv…ur head dey der…

     
    • Kelvin

      April 23, 2011 at 10:13 am

      Oga mi..I well o! Lol…just a bit twisted, but hey! Aren’t we all? Tnx man..and tnx for clicking the ‘like’ button

       
  8. Dr Michael Ohiku

    April 23, 2011 at 9:58 am

    Lol! *Applauding* You’re hilarious, man! 🙂 Lmao @ ‘Wizky’, ‘GEJA’, ‘swegg’, et al! You’ve got one hell of a mind, man! *Thumbs up* 😀

     
    • Kelvin

      April 23, 2011 at 10:18 am

      Tnx so much boss…*bows*

       
  9. kblewin

    April 23, 2011 at 9:59 am

    hahaha…. Kelvin u r just sumfin else…. ur head no correct small o…. ha! Im in support of ‘Kush for 3k @ Shoprite’ tho 😐 ….
    @lauryn err, no spoil me oooooo

    #ThumbsUp bro. Keep ’em coming

     
    • Kelvin

      April 23, 2011 at 10:20 am

      YesBoss..I shall try 2keep ’em coming..that just sounds wrong…lol..tnx, don’t mind lauryn, it haff tey she haff spwell!

       
  10. palavachronicles

    April 23, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Loool @ that is corruption .. The irony … Verrry Funny post ..love it..nice one again (y)

     
  11. adahna

    April 23, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Unwell things…! Ur dad read’s ur blog..? Nowhere is safe again oh..!

     
  12. Kleopahtra

    April 23, 2011 at 10:28 am

    ”Her words kill me Softly but Slowy”..nw iM rili imaginin dem in Bed…No pillow Talk???So much 4 patience..smh..!lwkm @ Nitel CustomerCare callin U…GEJA,,,JEGA any1 he really played his part wella…as 4 ‘wizky’…i reserve ma Comments..!KelVin u r soooo Twisted..!

     
  13. deraflamz

    April 23, 2011 at 10:41 am

    damn…!!!!…U ARE GOOD!!! This is Too hilarious for my health…nice composition

     
  14. MsAbiye

    April 23, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Funny post. LOL at “her words kill me softly but surely”. Nice one.

     
  15. @IvyOrji

    April 23, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Lwkm! Kev u need visit some patients 4 yaba left!
    Best line :.*whispers* ol’boy I’m not feeling dis tele thing..imma just freestyle up in here, Obama style ayt. Thot I waz d only 1 who noticed hw awkward he looks reading 4RM d tele thingy.
    Nice blog dear

     
  16. Kevin

    April 23, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    HahahahAha…madt man…nice read… Only God knows what happens in the archives of ur head…(Y)

     
  17. pheary

    April 23, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    Hahahahahahahaha kevin patty?? really… u cld v had pity on d guy na.. as per president …… choi!! One again… nice nice nice…. Yo **bringing down my glasses*** Gej shld nt catch u sha……

     
  18. sonia

    April 23, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    Hehehehehe nice one dude, make patty, johnny nd wizky no cash u oh,ℓ☺ℓ @ same flag sins 1990, b4 nko? Luvd it

     
  19. BragginRightz

    April 23, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    Lmao!!!!!!! This is just awesome!! Seriously awesome.

     
  20. ibetapassmyneighbour

    April 23, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    hmmmm…….i must comment ohh becos ds one u want to replace me wv mikano……wahala dey b dat……nice write up

     

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