BeinG BuYsexuaL

Hey Guys, here’s a ‘little’ *snickers* something from a twisted friend of mine who stars as my Guest Blogger today @SlevinCalevra *insert applause here* . It seems the post by @MsCantFindaName got to him eh…enjoy!

*Saunters into Kelvin’s blog smelling like a mothafucker…*

“Oh ye daughters of Eve, I come in Piss”.

Ehenn?! I said daughters of Eve because I know that you lot constitute majority of the audience here anyway. Here’s proof. I bet you 1000 bucks that one of our jewels of inestimable pride has already gone ahead to be the first to comment on the blog. La casera and gala? No! Alomo and groundnuts, yes! 😀

************************************************************************************************************************************

This post is dedicated to you.

I love materialistic girls. The gold-diggers. I like to call them buy-sexuals.

Materialistic girls are the most insecure bunch of girls out there. The ladies who want the Jimmy Choo , Stuart Wietzman, Tory Burch and Steve Madden shoes. The ones who rock the Gucci purses, Louis Vuitton bags and want to get married wearing a Marchesa dress. The same ones who want to fly out on shopping sprees toParis,Dubai,Milanand New-York. Vacationing in the South of France, Saint Tropez! The CarribeanIslands. Barbados!! TheMiddle East.Yemen!!

Mtscheeeuw! “You go old!”

The word buy-sexual is a multi-faceted word which means someone who gets turned on by, or derives sexual pleasure from, shopping or being taken shopping. It also means some one who collects money for sex (prostitute) or someone who dates another just for money the other will spend on them. (Gold-digger)

Therefore by simple logic, we can infer the following

A gold digger = Buy-sexual = Prostitute.

To every gold-digger: You are a like a road side whore. Only smarter but eventually end up worse. I prefer a bad girl who is good enough to admit that she is bad than the bad girl who isn’t and continues to pretend that she is what she isn’t.

Same ol’ same ol’

You see Larry Sushey loves ‘buys’. You ask why? Well, because they are the easiest girls to get. Show me a ‘buy’ and I’ll show you her panties. I will come back to this.

A person who needs to upgrade definitely has to start somewhere yeah? For example, a baby doesn’t begin to run immediately after birth. It has got to crawl first, then stand, then walk before learning how to run. You cannot be a village ‘omalicha’, new in a city and then decide to hook up with Paddy Adenuga! You’ve got to climb up the ladder. Say from the neighbourhood gangster who has an okada (Note: The okada being the main attraction to him) to the next guy, the young undergraduate with the 1991 coupe Honda – accord (Levels don change now, but the principle remains the same, the car being the main attraction). The next guy is a Yahoo boy with a yellow hummer (Hummer and Yahoo money being the main attraction, still, the same principle). And so on…

Now in every relationship the so called boyfriend pounds you likeBenuepounded yam and gives you money to make your hair. You climb up the ladder to collecting money to buy designer jeans, shoes and other accessories and so on till you finally reach the level of traveling abroad on shopping sprees and the like.

Progression you say? Regression or at best, stagnation I say.

You see, I am a BroKe Bloke. A proud one at that but do not forget that I am just a step in the ladder I described in the last paragraph. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon but it sure ain’t wooden.

I went to school. I have a job. I have a six figure salary (if you remove the decimal point). *looks away, six digits noni* And I will always have a buy-sexual looking to take a substantial chunk of the little I have. Because there is some “plantain seller” out there who thinks I’m a gold mine. And so it is for every step of the ladder you go. As long as you enter a relationship with a man for his money, you have already belittled yourself and whether he does it consciously or not, you will always remain his little ‘plantain seller’. The little ashawo. Another downside for the buy-sexual is that all blokes, broke or not always like to look out to the better girl (By better, I mean the one who has her own). The one who offers a lot more than just great sex and taking your money. Once we find that person, out the window you go. You might even take the house in Lekki along with you and the BMW X6 but guess who the real winner here is. You are 38, single, jobless and just got promoted to the next step on the ladder.

Yayyy!

Now you can go ahead and look for the richer guy who will buy you a jet maybe? In Geography they say the higher you go the cooler it becomes. In this case the higher you climb the more difficult it is to score.

I laugh in Cantonese.

Money is not the root of all evil. Money is the root of all wealth. Therefore Women, there is nothing wrong with chasing after money, as long as you do so by working for it. What I find disturbing is chasing after men with money. The valuable time used in gold – digging could be put into getting your own paper.

I am a broke bloke. I said before that I love ‘buys’. Show me one and a bell rings in my head * Ashawo alert* All i need to get the attention of one is a ruse. Hide behind a smoke screen. You know the difference between a rich dude and a broke bloke like me is the C letter word.

Not Chedda(h)r dumbass! That’s cheese. I mean CONFIDENCE. (Not the Big Brother housemate)

An air of confidence exudes success. Smelling good gives that air of confidence so I always smell great. Buy-sexuals cannot really tell the difference between myself and Katung Aduwak when I walk into a room. I walk with “swheggz”. I don’t mean walking in a half bounce like a disgruntled Tony Tetuila. I mean walking in with a cocky gait. Slightly arrogant. This is important because it gives me an air of mystery. When I talk to a buy-sexual I always maintain eye contact. I talk to their brains; their souls and they will unconsciously begin to convince themselves that I am Mr. Tiger Woods. This act is called ‘washing’. I will wash you and talk you to places you have never been before. No lies o, that is the buy-sexual’s job. The average buy-sexual will lie to herself every time.

Maybe five drinks and a cigarette…

*N.B There is no need cramming all these moves because it will still work for you.* I even have scientific proof.

A Sunday Times article I dug up from some time in 2009 stated that scientists had found that supposedly wealthy men give women more orgasms.

“Women’s orgasm frequency increases with the income of their partner,” said Dr Thomas Pollet, theNewcastleUniversitypsychologist behind the research.

Orgasm + Riches? Bill Gates’wife must be in heaven then…

He believes the phenomenon is an “evolutionary adaptation” that is hard-wired into women, driving them to select men on the basis of their perceived quality. Key word being ‘perceived’.

The study is certain to prove controversial, suggesting that women are inherently programmed to be gold-diggers.

Who would you rather have an orgasm with? Katung or Flava Flav?

Note that the quotes never actually mentioned money being a factor rather it pointed to ‘perceived quality’ and ‘high quality’ as pre requisites. Define High quality how you want, the important thing is that the ‘buy-sexual’ perceives you to be rich and you are on a home run.

Truth is most buy-sexuals end up hanging with broke blokes like me. We will buy you shawarma and perfume, but we always take it all back in some form and then use you as a stepping stone to get a new whore. You know what they say, women do not want a man no other woman wants. At the end of the day, I win again.

Okay, let us assume that the woman actually finds some rich bloke. Responsible, handsome, down to earth, God fearing, athletic bla di bla di bla. The perfect man. I suggest that the woman wake up from that dream and slap yourself. “I doesn’t exist.”

The key to actual progression for a woman is to actually be with the ‘broke bloke’ who is always willing to give you more than he gets from you. Yes I will sing it o…*Clears throat…Ahem. “Whether na one naira…”

“If it is too good to be true, it probably is. A man who will lavish expensive gifts on you at your every whim if not under your spell is a ritualist, scam artist, assassin, drug dealer, armed robber or Nigerian politician. When the toilet explodes and shit hits the fan you will now remember Jesus.

Hian!!!

Women who still think they are attracted to the money are either immature or buy-sexual. N.B. Maturity doesn’t necessarily come with age. Ask Confidence Haugen.

To be fore warned is to be fore armed. Find a broke bloke today.

Here’s a download link to the song I listen to whenever this broke boy dumps another gold-digger.

http://www.4shared.com/get/Uhzxs8P_/Havent_met_you_yet-Micheal_Bub.html

Side note: The reason I smell of piss by the way is cos the buy-sexual I was with last night went ghetto on me when I told her I didn’t have money and asked her if she would take cheques. The b*tch emptied a bucket of pee on me.

I wonder why she kept a bucket of pee anyway. She probably doesn’t have plumbing.

Larry Sushey.