WorD oF MoUtH

*intro music plays* “The Lazy Song”…writer waltzes to center of stage and perfectly choreographs the pelvic region bumping sequence, audience goes nuts! (Pun intended), all scream, some faint, others die, some throw items of inner clothing, writer dodges a measly boxer, WTF?!

*Applause Applause*

Goodevening Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to your favorite TV programme: “The KevD show” My name is Kevin With an ‘L’ and I shall be your host as usual…So I discovered that I’ve been writing about lots of relationship stuff of recent. This has caused me to question my sanity and check from whence I have fallen. One of the voices in my head tells me its as a result of my present status, I beg to differ though, but that’s gist for another day.
Today, we shall look into the phenomenon of CONVERSATION as it affects dating and relationships! Please note that I am not an authority and most of what I’m saying might be gibberish, I’m under the influence of the torture of listening to Kel attempting to sing abi rap abi moan (I’m not sure sef!)

Moving H’on…

WAIT!!! Before we move, this isn’t an attempt to lay down any rules but then again it is! This isn’t me giving you advise but then again it is…you know what they say about advise..you don’t? I don’t too…

Moving H’on…

WAIT!!! Oh they say “take my advise, I don’t use it anyway!”

Mov… (Yeah, u get it..)

A lot of guys/girls will agree with me when I say that your inability to hold convos is one of the quickest way to end a relationship. Infact many prospective relationships end on the first date because of this problem. So what causes it n how can it be solved? Yes! That is why I’m here, I think…

Point 1. NEVER set a date without having successfully held conversation for at least One hour! Yes! One hour!! Sharrap! I didn’t say you should ga’an buy #1500 credit and burn it like that o..Thank God for things like Midnight calls, wait! Before u will be squeezing your face as if u don’t do it, sharrap! There is no shame in making midnight calls, get your skanky head outta your ass! The thing is a 5 min call isn’t enough to convince yourself that you are ready to sit with someone for 4hours and successfully hold conversation..sadly enough we never prepare for how convos would go…Practice makes PERFECT you first class nitwit!!! A 5 min call doesn’t give you the required confidence..NOTE: I didn’t say CHAT o! I said CALL…

A lot of you think chatting on the phone ie BBM, WhatsApp or 2go (dies!!) Is the same as real talk..but How? Are you really this dumb or aiming for the Olympic gold in dumbness?

This is how a convo goes on let’s say BBM…

Kev: Hi, its finally nice to have u on my BBM
Sexyhawt: lol..
Kev: so tell me about yourself…
Sexyhawt: ah! I don’t know how to answer this question, just ask me anything and I’ll answer…lol
Kev: err..ok…a/s/L?
Sexyhawt: *BBM confused smiley*
Kev: PING!!!
Sexyhawt: brb…

I mean, are you facking kidding me? Age/sex/language in 2011? Oh she’s 15, she’s a MALE and she’s from friggin’ Cambodia speaking english…*sigh* *sips sprite to relax*

*sidedbar* Most guys go from the “tell me about yourself” part to the intimates “tell me about him”, “who’s the lucky guy” line—-> FAIL!!!!

But this does happen! On a 3min call though, it sounds like this:

Kev: Hello…hey! Its me kev, whatsup?
Simi: hey, I’m ok jare…just chilling nuthin much..how was ur day?
Kev: oh! Twas just there..urs?
Simi: well, stayed home, did my laundry. Cooked…the works sha
Kev: oh ok..(Here your brain freezes for 7secs and then you say something STUPID like..)…so nothing much happened today eh?
Again?! Paraphrased? Sheeeshh..DIE!!!

So how then should conversation proceed and be sustained? Remember the golden rule though.

“Be comfortable on PHONE with the person FIRST before agreeing to a date!”

2. Organise your thoughts well before calling, have a goal in mind. Eg a call to check how your day is going, a call to share breaking news, a call to remind of something! Don’t just call because you have credit and end up saying nothing!
Prior to setting a date, dedicate time to getting to KNOW this person..on phone, don’t say “tell me about yourself” ask Specific questions : “how many are u in the family, wat position are u? What do your siblings do? These prolong convos and hidden in them are keys to unlocking other questions that make the conversation interesting..

3. Listen…this is an art! We grow up in life taught how to talk but no one teaches us to listen so majority of peeps don’t know the importance of listening. Listening isn’t silence by the way, its respect!

Listening is different from hearing what a person is saying…for example…when you play an MI cd, you listen to the words he says BUT slot in TerryG and then you can hear all the ‘Tileh Tileh..freeMeNow…’ But you don’t exactly dedicate effort to listen and get meaning. Capisce?

So now u’ve passed the One hour phone test and a date is set, you’re looking all dapper in your starched and ironed TM.Lewin shirt and jeans with your Terre D’Hermes perfume oozing confidence…she’s sexily clad in a lovely short LV black dress and killer heels. Now its time to open your mouth…(Your heart is mashing yam in your chest)…you compliment her (“you’re looking good/Thanks for coming..”)…you pull out her chair (if your sense reach like that)…then you sit and then BAM!!!, You discover all that comes out next is “so tell me about yourself!” Oh! This happens a lot! You know why? Because the foundation wasn’t there..if u have done point 1-3 though, this will be a stroll in the park!

Lemme tell u what I do sha, as a very good bad guy, if I have successfully engaged you in previous convos and we meet, I’ll do my best to make sure you’re the shy one! (Truth is, both parties are shy and nervous at first meet but someone’s gotta have the balls) A good score is to get the other person to LAUGH! Laughter relaxes…I didn’t say you should start reciting Nite of a 1000 laffs o! Just light humor..if it doesn’t come naturally, abeg just park! You should use the One hour phone call to practise.. If you can’t make her laugh steady, you’re not ready!

So, the setting of the date also determines how conversation goes, a dinner date requires more intimate, intellectual communication, informal dates like house visits, movies etc are easier but still require good skills. Rather than say “tell me about yourself”, you could play a game called “tell me who you think I am”…and laugh over the responses..see? Laugh? SCORE! #WINNING
Talk about the location of the date “I hope you like this place/ hope you’re comfortable”, Talk about others, just ensyre you’re both eased in and relaxed.

Basically peeps, there isn’t any set rule to convos, just have genuine interest, laced with humor, be comfy in your own skin (everytime I say this, I always remember Wande coal’s picture) , don’t be forming phoneh when u naturally speak Wizkid (yes its a language, axe somborri)…maintain eye contact (NOT stare!! It shows interest and that you’re listening) and I sad EYE contact NOT BREAST contact, watch body language (topic for another day)…and have fun!
Pls I did NOT say that after you do all of this the girl will not be looking at you like a Mannequin, I only came to share what has worked for me…but then again, I’m the SI unit of charm and elegance so *shrugs*

Err well, now that you’re here..you can still exercise your fundamental human rights,.Click http://www.nigerianblogawards.com/register.php to NOMINATE your fave bloggers at the Nigerian blog awards, (use blog web address). Share on your TL and tell your friends, Nominations end on Friday!

Thanks for reading, the comment section will cater to questions, contributions, rants, other blog posts insults etc…

*picks up that measly Boxer and throws it back to the crowd, gathers the Thongs and bras #winning*

#exit music plays “All I do is Win”*