01 Feb

>DISCLAIMER POST: Do not read further!! Pls visit for disclaimer notice…THANKS!!
Done? who r u kidding? Be doing as if u actually read the DISCLAIMER…anyway, Welcome Guys, I see that I have somehow managed to get you to visit this blog once again by just posting a link on Twitter, ehn ehn? So its that easy to control mortals? I must be a god or something (buhahaha)! What if this is all u came here to see, what would’ve happened? U’ll sue me, unfollow me? But alas! I’m not as cold-hearted as that, ashualey, I am o! the last time I checked, I “had an ice-box where my heart used to be” *pops collar* oh yels, I’m a badt guy like that…

But I must at ths point appreciate you guys for always checking up on me here, it gets quite lonely in blogville nowadays, my neighbour @adahna ( ) is hardly around, I dunno the man that is taking her time away from here, @Sandie_Pandie ( ) lives some streets away and does check on me often sha, @SheriphSkills is always at stadia, play or some other joint in Abj, ah well *sigh* @exschoolnerd ( used to be my loyal crime partner around the ‘blogk’ ,up until she fell in love with Funbi …she’s our President here o so I cant complain but she’s cool like that. So, I’ve being visiting @MsJazzyfied ( ) quite often, we just chill on the steps and listen to @THEBEAT999FM all day, cool stuff I tell ya!!

Ok, having said thanks and all the introductory ish, let us now delve into the koko of d matter that has brought us here! It is summed up in one word “VALENTINE”!!! Yes! This one word has been/being (ive said I don’t know when to use either, so pick one n lezz continue)..where were we? Ok…this one word has wrecked so many potential futures- monetarily, relationship-ly, intimately and otherwise. Im not even going to try n go into d history of d day cos me sef I dunno, when did they born me dat u expect me 2 knw? Any story that works for u, believe jare! Anyway, Vals day is here again and if u’re a guy, u would agree with me that this is d one day we wish NEVER existed on the calendar! I’m Lying? See this guy o! ok bcos u don dey touch small money now abi, wait first naw, shebi dis is ur first official valentine..e go soon over u!! Seriously though 99% of us guys hate VALS day! Its not because of the money 2 b spent,(LIE!!!) its just it has a semblance of a well crafted SCAM that benefits the lady folk..ok, ladies before u chop my head off, I know u also do some ‘giving’ on the day BUT u only give when u’re sure that we are giving or have given… Alright, let me personalize this..I HATE VALS DAY!!!

DISCLAIMER: All views from this point on are strictly mine, your boyfriend did not ping me to ask me to do this so please don’t crucify him for sending you the link to this post. At the same time, if u r a lady or potential chic that is falling for me, don’t let this post change your mind- its all fiction, this is emmm..,just for laughs ok? Thanks for understanding!

Before u start thinking I’m just a selfish stingy SOB, take a walk in my shoes a bit will ya? My grouse with vals day has nothing to do with the spending (who am I kidding?), it ranges from the awkward display of ‘love’ that u see to the annoying hike up of prices of almost everything. It totally irks me when I come out of my house on feb 14th and everywhere u go, people are dressed up in red like aiyelala loyalists: as in red shirt, red shoes, all red everything, so because they said that ‘love is in the air’, it now means that we should not see road again abi? I swear, if I catch any of my followers or friends dressed in red…ok o! Then all these aiyelala people all seem to be headed to the same place: either an eatery, restaurant , cinema or joint..first of all, your foodstuff has finished at home abi? Rice and shicken that u ate on new years day here (bad as e bad), then to one cinema with 1000 other aiyelala people to watch one movie that we could have bought in Lekki traffic for #150 on a good day…abegi!! Do u see the extortion? Its annoying because it is on that day that your girlfriend remembers the ONLY scripture she knows: Jn 3:16 “for God so loved d world, that he GAVE…” she will stop at ‘gave’ and proceed to give u a Chris Okotie inspired exegesis on how love is proved by giving! As a bad guy sha, me sef I know bible: Ladies could you stop reading at this point or jump to d next paragraph thanks. So guys this is what u say when she uses this line- tell her: the bible says “GOD is LOVE”, Jesus and GOD are one, no be so? That means Jesus is also if God so loved the world and thus gave Jesus, It means God so loved d world and gave LOVE…so what God gave was love!!! Tell her “today I’m giving u love and I don’t have to spend money to do that! buhahahaha…(ensure ure well protected when u say this sha).

Welcome back ladies, sorry for pushing u out, I just had to tell your guy how best to meet your vals day needs and we wanted to keep it a secret, yeah, I have ur interests at heart, Thank me later! U know its true that as Vals day approaches, guys are looking for ways to break up, girls are looking for ways to be nicer.. Hey Guys!!! Guess what? ManU and Arsenal coaches are holding a press conference RIGHT NOW, u may wanna check that out…GO! GO! GO!!! good boys!

*now whispering* ladies if they know I told u what im about to, I’m DEAD, so please be quiet…sshhhhh*

Here are some things we often do to get away from our ‘responsibility’ , all we need to do are make up excuses of being busy, working late etc…here are some: they range from the mundane to the downright absurd
• we start complaining about our financial situation from jan 28th (or whenever salary is paid)t so that we can refer to it later by saying “remember how I told u I’ve been managing since, all d debts I had to clear with January salary…”
• we raise your hopes for a future explosion “mehn, if the money im expecting in march just comes…” whenever we avoid February, u should catch the drift!
• Now with BB, its easier for us to pass the message, all we need to do is put up ‘funny’ statuses and DP’s about how we are broke or anti-vals etc FORGET O!! those ain’t jokes, its our way of sending subliminal msgs to u
• When our ringtone and favorite song all of a sudden becomes “One naira by MI and Waje” or “Not the girl by darey”
• My BB is dead and u’re pinging me???
• “I have a lot going on right now, I need some time to get it all together”
• if u ever have a convo on BBM that looks like this, it’s a sign…

But if u’re one of the lucky few who are destined to have a great valentine’s day, then I am indeed happy for you. For the rest of us (yes u included, don’t form, u’re part of this group). We can still have a swell day even without a val, how? Not to worry…see, I don’t think u should torture yourself by going to places where you are definitely going to come across all these love birds. It makes no sense to wake up and then decide that u’re gonna go to the cinema all by yourself on such a day..Why? when u can just stay home jejely and watch ur movie if PHCN allows u o..Eateries are also out of it, u’ve been going to iya asisa’s place since o but bcos its vals day, u now decide to baff up n go to eat Chinese all by yourself!! Omo bone! Go to iya asisa and order n eat your fill abi na full..rice, eba, assorted toh kwoliti and wash it down wella!!! If u’re alone this val, don’t feel bad. Its ashualey a blezzin from God so that u can save money for your kid’s future academics etc..(I hear plenty hisses…buhahaha)

Another dilemma is GIFTS! Girls often wonder what to get their guys, their minds don’t seem to go beyond Shirts, boxers, perfumes and cufflinks, as in ahn ahn? What happened to X-box, Samsung 45” flat screen TV, iPad’s or a year’s subscription for our DSTV to enjoy the Premier league etc? seriously, we are tired of all d shirts, did I say I wanna start a boutique? On my birthday-shirt!, xmas-shirt! Wedding aso-ebi even Burial T shirt!!! And when u buy me boxers and u have never seen me in them, what’s the use? How do u know that u’re buying the right size sef? *side eye* I don’t want again! Perfumes, I’ve been shouting I want Terre D’Hermes and u ga’an buy ugo I a phool? U expect me to actually wear that? Mtscheeew!! See, we are MEN! And we also have needs, we love big things, things our hands can work or fix (catch my drift?).

And guys, I know shopping for the ladies is always a task, not because we don’t know what to get but bcos the options are NUMEROUS!! Here’s a tip: NEVER ask your lady what she wants. NEVER!!! She will tell u all she wants and as she continues, she remembers those Jimmy Choos she saw justina wearing and the Brazilian hair Ronaldo’s gf used…u go just WRECK!!! Here are my sagely suggestions: Vals day is synonymous with Teddy Bears and flowers: do NOT buy any of these!! Except ure dating Miss Piggy and u wanna stylishly give her a gift that looks like her. No Flowers!! Na 9ja we dey so, that ish doesn’t fly, I don’t care whether d flowers were freshly plucked from the edge of the Nile..she wee use it to cook your next soup, just be looking!!! So what then should you get her? Really though, I might not be in d right position to tell you that but I’m going to whether u like it or not, afterall its MY BLOG and u’ve patiently read this far so a lil’ more wee not kee you..Ladies will always get gifts-they don’t need a special occasion! I think a lot of them are not so much crazy about what you get them (except it’s a LandRover 2 or HSE), Most just want you to spend your “currency of life” on them –TIME! Whether u take her to the movies or a Togolese restaurant, it’s the TIME spent with her that she really craves, she will still shit the green slimy soup 5hrs later so WTH? Guys whether na One Naira u spend or na One million, ensure that she can look into your eyes and say “Baby u’ve got me!” I really shouldn’t be writing this cos im now getting emotional seeing as im going to sokpa on Vals day as always, I’ll probably be watching Monday night football on TV while y’all will be whipping up sheets and stuff… *boo hoo sob sob*

Well, to round up this round up, I decided to sample opinions of some of my Tweeps, They are the one that RT’d this link to you because they want you to see EXACTLY what they want for vals day..hahaha..yes, this has been a set up all along. Now you can not say “I didn’t know what you wanted…”

Read and be Blessed…

@gigachic– “I want a romantic candle lit dinner for me and the one I love”
@eagiddy– “I want my very own man for vals day, not one who will walk away after a while, sm1 who wld call me bone of my bone..sm1 I can call my forever valentine”
@Rated_X– “I want jade and a 1998 bordeaux” cc @jade
@walegafar; “I want an ipad and a car noni”
@IvyOrji– “I want an Ipad and/or Chevrolet CRUZE cc @emperorcaesar
@WF_SimonSeez– “I just want her to be here, make the plan, and make me go through with it and I’ll pick the Cheque!”
@bleezers– “I want a red All Star converse sneakers with a Transparent sole”
@sheriphskills – “ an Xbox kinnect and/or a pair of shoes/sneakers size 43 will do”
@misjuwa– “hey Cupid! We need to talk, I wanna know something…”
@tojubikz – “I want a getaway to somewhere new with friends where we can jst be kids again n enjoy nature”
@SlimSiren– “I want these books-‘Say you are one of them by Uwem Akpan’, The secret lives of Baba Segi’s wives by Lola Soneyin’ and an Easel
@Chyychy– “I want the perfume ‘Velocity’ by Mary Kay
@MsJazzyfied– “I want the perfume ‘Very Irresistible’ by Givenchy
@AdeYossie– “I just want time, no gifts, just attention and time spent together”
@lilmissfoy– “I want to be invited to lag by him, I want him to come out in the open and stop being shy, then he’ll flex me on the love boat thingy, movies, beach, shopping, he should be responsible n not pressure me to have sex with him cos nothing for him between my legs”
@SpitGucci– “I want a fancy dinner at Golden Gate”
@Sumbyjay– “I want any perfume from J’lo and a cake”
@JustAdivaa– “I just want an ipad”
@HUGOverified– “I want a sincere lady to woo me and val me”
@JunkyP– “I just want 100k, I dey find money jor”
@Le_Maxx– “ I want an Xbox pad battery and charger
@lilmissbeebee– “a pink PsP and gold pendant with my name on it
@BragginRightz “all I want 4val is for u to be here with me, I’ll make it up for these days we’ve spent apart, U are all I think about, U should know I need your love to hold me up when its all too much to bear, I just pray I’ll be here waiting when U come back, Happy Vals Soleil
@Lawrahh5 – “anything at all, its the thought that matters”
@M4minx – “Chocolate Fudge cake and Paco R’s, 1m women’s gift case (with the contents of course)

Its been a long post and if u’ve read this far, I really must appreciate your patience, endurance…i’m always humbled whenever im told “I love ur blog” it keeps me going..Thanks so much guys! God bless you!!!

So guys, Happy Valentines day but remember..this is just a day, let the Love go round all year through and oh! If u really think I’m gonna be alone this season, then ur brain needs to be checked by a dentist (go figure!)..its gonna be a wonderful threesome for me…hanging out with…ME , MYSELF & i…

To the haters and all those scanning for Gbagauns, if you actually think that your phraseology or parlance is at par with my lingo dexterity, then it is of plenary desideratum, inexorableness and extreme exigency that you unhesitatingly proceed for a cerebral appraisal…in simple english: Get your head examined! *Drops Mic and moonwalks away*


Posted by on February 1, 2011 in Uncategorized


10 responses to “>VALENTINE’S BLUES abi red???

  1. Anonymous

    February 1, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    >This ya post long, but twas an interesting read. I see you've been stalking blogs :D…..glad u stalk mine too. Might have a vals day post as well, nothing like urs tho, I no get that kind time.@Sheriphskills

  2. sexy smooth ajebo

    February 1, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    >where do i start? loved it and just incase i decide to adopt any of your tips…. "it wasnt me" My girl should read this. Nice one again again

  3. @Rated_X

    February 1, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    >Na who be this @tojubikz? WTH? You be Mary Poppins or something?And @Adeyossie are you female and single? Cos if you are, then i've got a ring waiting…Kelvin, since we no get vals na to watch football together that day. I'll bring the Suya.

  4. Anonymous

    February 2, 2011 at 7:34 am

    >Its true, we just want attention from d 1 we "truely" care about n gifts fom our numerous "toasters"…..

  5. Anonymous

    February 2, 2011 at 7:46 am

    >Very nice blog

  6. @kblewin

    February 2, 2011 at 7:59 am

    >Lwtmb! Nice one bruv… very interesting points. Thumbs up!@JunkyP i dey feel u mehn! Loli c iPads, even CAR! Na so. Jet nko?IMO val's day shud be about 'showing love' and not about the 'spending'

  7. @N01JADE

    February 2, 2011 at 9:09 am

    >U ashualey surpassed my expectation! U were sooo on point with what ladies want! But we want d 'gifts' too oh! Yes I luv u luking in2 my eyes and blah blah blah, me I no go make d eyes fine 1st b4 u fit luk inside?That being said, me I have 'big things' a guy's hands can work o. I can lyk to give them but… *sigh* guess I'll just have to strap…I mean wrap them till further notice or someone notices…Luv u bro…u be d itch and I can scratch this blog till my fone start to hang, hehehe

  8. @soniabladetweet

    February 2, 2011 at 9:37 am

    >Lwtmb ur so on point nucca, candle lit dinner ni, hehe nyc one bro

  9. Evie

    February 3, 2011 at 11:38 am

    >Ok, im not nigerian but man, yo the best!! This is the best shit i've read in a long while, kai!! na wa o!!

  10. @seryxme

    February 8, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    >Dis guy is seriously out of touch with the rest of the world. A'min, see wat 'alone-ness' does to som1's brain. Hw'd I get to finish reading dis tin sef?Lemme just advice u, the 'alone-ness' is doing u good o (since evry1 seems to be liking dis) so no let am go o! Maybe u can consider going to the monastry 2 ensure total 'alone-ness'.Btw, X's proposal(jst i case @AdeYossie doesn't respond on tym) will mk 2 of u gay enuff 4 the night (chk ur mind o).I'm almost writing a blog in response to dis ur 'nonsense-less' tin disguised as a comment but me, mah, my gf don dey call me. I no go fit finish! I don dey go sha. I'll let u knw hw Val's day goes!Toe's Up 4 u bro!!!


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