>Now, this one is for my guys with all your swag and style…do read, ponder and act/change
From FELA DUROTOYE
I consider it a great honour and privilege to be writing to you, mighty man of valour.
A few days ago, I posted a thought on FaceBook, speaking to women, about Becoming the Woman of His Dreams. I wanted women to understand the age old question of “what do men want”?
In that note, I was able to outline the 3 types of men that were out there:
• The Scavenger
• The Hunter
• The Gardener
Time doesn’t allow me to redefine these concepts over again, but if you haven’t read it, do take some time out to read that particular article on the “Notes” section of my FaceBook page.
I was particularly touched by the comments made by the ladies; in response to it. It’s sad that they seem to be surrounded by either scavengers or hunters. I know that’s not who you are.
I know that you’re a gardener.
So, why am I here? I just wanted to “talk” to you for a bit.
To become the dream husband that your dream spouse is looking for, there are a few things that I think you should know.
• You must have VISION: As God’s man and the head of your home – to – be, vision is very important! Your vision is a picture of your future destination (yours and hers). A man without vision is blind. While I was dating and eventually married Tara, I would paint pictures of where God was taking me, and where inevitably, I was taking her. Even though my location denied my vision, there was something about the force of my convictions that inspired her to take a “crazy” leap of faith to believe in me.
At this time, I was “broke, busted and disgusted”, living in a small “one bedroom room” in a boys’ quarters, had only a mattress, cane dustbin and one chair. But I knew where I was going, who was taking me there, even if I didn’t know how I was going to get there! If you have no vision, don’t get involved in a relationship! Wait until you get one! Most men want women to submit to them and they throw a fit when they don’t. But take a look at the word “submission”. It’s a compendium of 2 words; “sub” (meaning under) and “mission” (meaning purpose or intent). For a woman to “submit”, she must first understand your mission before she can “sub” to it. What’s your mission? Where there’s no mission, there can be no submission!
• You must take ACTION: Vision without action is only a dream! You know the saying; “if wishes were Range Rovers’, everyone would drive”. But it’s not what you drive that matters, it’s what drives you!
Too many men talk, without having corresponding action. One of my sons, Remi Dairo always says; “those who take steps, get help”. You’ve got to take steps!
While I was still living in that room, I started my company (then called V.I.P Consulting). I had no computer, no internet access, no printer, no tables nor chairs. But in my vision, I hired 2 staff! Since we had no tables or chairs, Tara and I would take out our bed in the morning, my “staff” and I would sit on the bed and cane dustbin as our “office”. Every morning, for 2 weeks, I facilitated an induction process for them! We had no clients at the time and seemingly, nothing else to do, but I would pump them for hours, telling them what this great company was going to do! Then, we would write our proposals and send them out to our clients. We didn’t just “talk the talk”, we “walked our walk”. Today, I walk in the vision I saw 10 years ago! Take steps now! Don’t just talk about it! Do it and let others talk about it!
• You must have WORK: I didn’t say you must have a job, I said you must have work! What’s the difference? From your job, you can make a living, but from your work, you find your life’s purpose. Remember that in Scripture, God put Adam into the garden to tend it and take care of it. But don’t get me wrong, a job is important! Like it or not, women are wired to recognize that a job means security. Women recognize the long term effects of being in a relationship with you. They’ll analyze whether or not you can take care of them, and inevitably, the children. You must be either be gainfully employed (with a job), gainfully employable (you’re the right candidate for employment in the process of getting a job) or gainfully employing (entrepreneur or business owner)! You must have the ability to stick to a course of action. Too many men are distracted. Don’t chase money! Let money chase you. Look for problems, proffer solutions that add value and naturally, wealth follows value as a reward.
• You must respect your BODIES: Most men have the ability to have relationships with many women over the course of a lifetime, but a REAL MAN is one that has the ability to stick with ONE WOMAN for ALL OF HIS LIFETIME! You must set the standards for physical intimacy in your relationship.
I know it’s not easy, but you must set boundaries for yourselves.
That means you can’t be alone in a room together, if you know that it causes you to fall and make mistakes. Meet in open places in full view of people. Don’t start what you know you can’t finish! There’s no point! The cost to both of you is high! I don’t believe in “safe sex”, I believe in “saved sex” (which is sex within the boundaries of marriage)! Can you handle the consequences of a few minutes of pleasure and a lifetime of regret and guilt? If you can’t remain celibate till marriage, then, get married. I know it sounds old fashioned, “everyone’s doing it”. That’s not true. God holds you to a much higher standard. Deal with your thoughts, because your mind will determine what your body does.
• Girls date guys, but marry MEN! You can’t believe the number of times I hear “Fela, there are no good men in church. All we see are boys”. That’s really sad! My dear gardener, women are extremely perceptive. They can look at you and instantly tell where you’re going! They know if you’re going somewhere in a hurry or nowhere fast! Don’t sag your trousers. It’s not the “responsible look”. Make sure your nails are well trimmed (don’t save that last multi-purpose finger nail), shine your shoes, smell and look like your future, not your present. Listen, money will determine the quality and quantity of what you wear or buy, but your mindset will determine HOW you wear it! Tara said that she knew how clean and neat I was simply by noticing the arrangement of my books. I would arrange them neatly in ascending order (I’m still like that, by the way)
• You must have the right ASSOCIATIONS: It’s said that “birds of the same feather, flock together”. The Bible even says “that he who walks with the wise, shall himself be wise; but the companions of fools shall be destroyed” (Proverbs 13:20). Who are you walking with? Are they considered wise BY OTHERS (not by you) or otherwise? If you want to be successful, start learning from successful men. I believe that “experience is not the best teacher, but other people’s experience is the best teacher”. When you learn from the experiences of others, it shortens your learning curve. Women can tell where you’re going, simply by looking at your associations!
• You must have the right COVER!
As Christ is the Head of the Church, you are the head of your family, but you must have cover. A covering could be a mentor that you respect and are in submission to. This must be a person of integrity, whose instruction you value and who has the right to call you to order if need be. A man without a cover is like a city without walls! Women recognize that if you’re not “under cover”, you may have no regard for authority. Your relationship with God comes first! You cannot lead your home, if God does not lead you. I don’t mean the regular act of Sunday worship or Friday prayers, you must have a relationship with God that goes beyond your religion.
Before I got married, I’d developed the habit of hearing from God. For example, God had told me that I was to get married on my 30th birthday, so I knew that I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend.
Over time, Tara knows that when I say “God said…” she knows that I’ve heard from God. Why? Because it’s been proven over time that I hear from God.
Every time God asked me to give out a car, it was by instruction. I heard Him first. You must never use God’s Word to you to manipulate your spouse; that amounts to witchcraft! Get a word from God before you get married; ask Him if who you’re with is your wife or not.
Remember, I believe in you and I trust that as a true gardener, you will see women as seeds to nurture and bring out their potential, not as prey to satisfy or gratify your needs for conquest as hunters do. Stick with one woman and bring out all that God has pushed into her.
Make me proud!
The proof of a good gardener is his garden.
I know you’ll take care of yours.