*Beats by Dare blaring mad sounds as this author jerks off…Lyrics playing “…My left hand weak, I put the right in”* Lord, my readers are such pervs! What were you thinking? Jerking off? Left hand? Father purge them.
Welcome guys, Men, I can’t begin to tell you how busy I’ve been/being (sideeye @ Olatoxic). I can’t claim to have writer’s block like Larry Sushey or that terror Terdoh, nah..more like writer’s burn-out, what with the recent features on @bule_jr’s “date days” and Afrosays “Decades” coupled with my weekly newspaper writing schedule and all, men I felt like a slacked pant. And so I took a lil’ break from Twitter and Blogsville for a bit. But I’m BACK! No applause? Ok, straight to why we are here.
Today guys, we are just gonna talk about the Do’s and Don’ts of Twitter Fights, Twitter Scandals And Voltronism. I was literally rolling during the last Twitter brouhaha featuring Dammiesmalls and her ‘(w)horde’. Having been in the eye of the storm myself, I just thought I’d share these with ya!
TWITTER FIGHT RULES.
1.If you’re both girls and you decide to share stories of your conquests and stupidity, please include names and handles. Whoever mentions names wins.
2.Make sure your avatar is worth looking at (after we get handles of fighters, we ALWAYS check out your picture).
3.Ensure that your spellings are correct and you don’t abbreviate. If you write like a retard, we just conclude that you are. Stuff like “yur jez a feckin gehl, I kent be ngagin yu” No! NO!!!
4.Have solid, original punch lines (things like “your brideprice is one expired sperm, you look like menstruation blood etc :D) Thank you Asabzy!
5.Do NOT delete your account afterwards. (That just makes ‘courage the cowardly dog’ more courageous than you are b!tch)
6.Aunties, if you can back up your tweets with pictures, we will definitely ‘dey your back’
7.For guys, the more intellectual your punches are, the better. (don’t tell us the size of your schlung. We don’t care)
8.Guys, it’s a chicken move to bring family members into your fights. Face the person mano-a-mano. Don’t insult their family
9.Never, NEVER google insults. NEVER!!! *tears shirt and enters sackcloth aka bag of rice*
10.Sometimes, silence does wonders! But not when you started it o!
Moving on, so I was BBming with my boy, @FreshPrinzVick and he had some things to say in addition to these, especially for the broads who are either into aristoism or are sidechics and find themselves in these fights, here are some useful points you should note:
*points in parenthesis are mine*
1.If u must shag anyone and his father, make sure they are both filthy rich. Two generation of wealthy sperm is definitely #winning. (make sure you brag about it. Add it to your Twitter bio, handle and professional CV sef).
2.Keep your medical history to yourself. Even if the V.D sounds like it should be on a breakfast menu. It can and will be used against you when the time is right. (Or when your yansh is being opened *literally)
3.If you’re a side chick or used to be one, NEVER make random discriminatory remarks about other side chicks EVEN if they try to steal your man. #Hypocrisy is a privilege granted only to S.U’s (go figure!)
4.Lastly but MOST importantly, have NO friends! You don’t want to be involved in every catfight. This is bad for business and your true value (per night) might be revealed. (you think Odina has friends?)
Thanks Vic. Incase you’re wondering how Vic knows all these, emm…he ‘was’ an Ex-whore. Oh! He blogs too at http://www.freshprinz.wordpress.com (Nigguh, u gon’ pay for this)
Unlike Twitter fights, these do not necessarily involve back and forth confrontation, But a situation where the ‘whole Twitter’ gets on your gist and you are the recipient of several subs, direct insults etc. Emmm, who can I use as example now *thinking deeply* Oh yeah! do you guys remember that chic that wrote a blogpost about her boyfriend #withAnL? You do, yeah? You don’t? ahn ahn…The one with the Ugwu leaves naw? Aha! You remember now abi? E-diots! Well, that right there was a Twitter scandal of epic proportions. Another example was the ‘somti’ issue and then the case of the leaked underwear picture Lets learn some lessons from these shall we?
1.Like Twitter fights, ensure your AVATAR is worth looking at. This is the first thing that would be checked out (good thing the Siren chic in the #withanL issue was worth looking at, if not…*sign of the cross* the guy has a big nose but I’m sure big is his default size so ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯ )
2.Do NOT try to defend yourself. It’s Twitter. We don’t want an explanation. We want the entertainment.
3.When in the spotlight, your ‘friends’ are revealed. Most will even join and yab you sef. The true ones stay true but for the snakes, (pray that their time comes too and when it does, rub the pepper in well!)
4.Make light humor out of it all. If you can laugh at yourself, the subs and/or hits won’t hurt that bad (but no lie sha, e can pain!!)
5.If you decide to engage your ‘attackers’, ensure you have the intellectual depth to do so. Be witty and smart or just shut the hell up! (Also ensure your battery is full and you have good network reception)
6.That is NOT the time to tweet stuff totally unrelated to the subject.
There are people who will naturally come to your aid whenever sh!t hits the fan. Your team, Your ride-or-die ohon nigguhs. In Twit-lingo, we call them Voltrons. There are some rules regarding voltronism as well. We shall use the most recent fight as case study
1.The AVATAR. This point cannot be over emphasized. Did you see what became of Mr P? Did you see how quick the tables turned on him? Dude was having fun RT’ing and stuff but he ignored the number 1 rule: “Ensure that you have an avatar worth looking at.” If you don’t, remain an egg, don’t use your picture and just hush up!
2.Do not Bite more than you can chew especially if you already have a mouthful…emm, pun NOT intended
3.Do not make an ASS of yourself in the voltronic process..neigh!….pun NOT intended again.
4.If a spoof picture is made of/for you, do NOT use it as your avatar in an attempt to ‘laugh at yourself, it makes you look retarded!
5.Make sure the person you’re forming Voltron for knows who you are. (otherwise, we will enter you next)
6.Except you have some certain kinda levels on Twitter eg u’re a Twitter Celeb, god, Lord etc, do NOT brag about being anyone’s voltron. Most times, all you will get is a seat or Maltina.
7.The most respected Voltrons show their face in their avatars. Dem no dey fear. If u’re hiding behind pictures and stuff, you are just a puny ass coward…You ain’t no Voltron, you is a…*sigh* calm down kelvin, deep breath..
In all of this, sha remember that what goes around comes around. Let Us pray:
“Father, I pray for all that have read this post, I pray that you bless them with wisdom. I pray for all of them that subbed me and insulted me during my own time in the spotlight. Father do their own for them, make them bigger. Give them a scandal. Lord as they have laughed at others, give us reason to laugh at them afterall, your word says we should laugh with those that laugh. Let us be awake when their matter arises, let our network be good. For those seeking followers, father give them a battle-a fight, let them trend as I did. Let them feel what Mr P felt, let them feel how wande coal felt. We know its not a long thing for you to do. Thank u Lord…and the people say…
Ok o, emm..i’ve gotta go. Till I come your way whenever I do, its your boy. Any further advice on these issues, feel free to share. And yeah, a free BB battery for the first to comment!